I was on my third Starbucks venti wet latte on Sunday morning before I was prepared to accept that writing a blog wasn’t going to be as easy as I’d hoped. I stared at the blank white screen waiting for inspiration. I knew Mary wanted the intro and three diary pieces and I knew it would make sense to do Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Mary had been quite insistent on the dating theme, and that would cover my first dates with Tyler and Alex. But I didn’t know how to talk about the dates without a) sounding like a total tart, and b) sounding like I was gossiping about two different guys with the whole city. Wasn’t that rude? Should I blog about Tyler and Alex without their permission? Was I genuinely sitting in Starbucks in New York all hopped up on caffeine asking myself ridiculous questions? I necked the dregs of my coffee and started typing. Instead of worrying about what other people would think, I tried to think about what I would want to read. So I started out writing about something easy. Something I loved.
My lovely, lovely Marc Jacobs handbag.
The Adventures of Angela: How a handbag healed a broken heart
I gave it a loving look and a gentle pat, nothing potentially damaging though, obviously. I still couldn’t quite believe I’d spent half a mortgage payment on a bag. On some bits of leather and metal, stitched together to hold my stuff. Stitched together by angels … Why had I never bought something so fabulous before? Probably because I didn’t think I deserved it. Probably like I didn’t think I deserved to be dating gorgeous guys like Tyler and Alex. Probably like I thought I didn’t think I deserved the blogging job. Probably like I didn’t need another coffee. Oh, wait, that I didn’t need, but it was what I had. Like the bag. Sod it. I started typing and went for it. All the details. It was almost fun, the Angela in my diary was living such a great life and without any of the pesky concerns that plagued the real Angela. Once I’d finished, I went through and deleted anything that would upset my mother. Then I put it back in. No more coffee for me.
With the diary pieces in place, I went back to the introduction. I had to front my break-up while I was on a roll, Mary was expecting it, but even as highly caffeinated as I was, this was much trickier than writing about dating. All my life I’d been someone’s something, Annette’s daughter, Louisa’s friend, Mark’s girlfriend, but who was I now? I had run away from being Mark’s ex, the bridesmaid who ruined the wedding, the girl who lived with her mum. For the last week, with Jenny, Erin, Vanessa, I’d been the slightly crazy girl with the bad/heroic break-up. With Tyler I’d been the quirky English girl who liked to break men’s hands, and with Alex, I’d managed to barter my way down to just a slightly quirky English girl. With any luck, I’d be able to have someone describe me as ‘just some girl I met, I think she’s British’ by the end of the month.
I decided there was only one thing to do. Be completely and brutally honest. I opened up the diary I’d written back in The Union and re-read it. It was all there, finding Mark in the car park, yelling at Louisa, bashing Tim with my shoe, right through to pissing in Mark’s toiletry bag. This was the version for Mary. Maybe not the weeing in the toiletry bag. I apple-X-ed the incident, but still sat there with a little smile, imagining the look on his face the next time he went to use his badger hair shaving brush. Yes Mark, it does smell a bit funny.
Despite Jenny’s insistence that it was absolutely fine to date two men at once (and blog about it), it still felt a bit weird going out with Tyler less than twenty-four hours after seeing Alex. I’d even wondered what the protocol would be on suggesting Jenny dated him instead, he was just her type, but when I opened the apartment door and saw him standing there, head to toe in black Armani, I reconsidered.
‘Hi,’ I said, accepting his kiss on the cheek and feeling distinctly underdressed in a little Splendid T-shirt dress and Havaianas. ‘Erm, you did say cinema, didn’t you?’
‘I did,’ he said, nodding towards a cab across the street with its engine running. ‘But then I thought, you’ve only been in the city for a week, and I’d really be doing New York a disservice if I took you to a multiplex to see some Cameron Diaz movie, so I had a rethink. I hope you don’t mind?’
‘Not at all,’ I said, getting into the waiting yellow car. ‘I just, am I dressed OK?’
Seriously. Black Armani suit, white shirt open at the neck, and there was not even a hair out of place.
‘You’re dressed just fine,’ he said, sliding his arm around my shoulder. ‘You’ll love it, I promise.’
I shrugged and smiled. So far, so good. A little surprise like a change of venue couldn’t hurt.
A few tense horn-honking minutes later, we pulled up outside a theatre.
‘It’s kind of like going to the movies,’ Tyler said, opening the door and letting me out. It was nothing like going to the movies. It was absolutely like going to a Broadway show. I was so excited. ‘I managed to score some tickets to Wicked from a guy at work. It’s supposed to be really good, have you seen it?’
I shook my head. ‘That’s amazing! I wanted to see this in London but never made it. Musicals are my guilty pleasure.’
‘Well, you said you liked music,’ he said, leading me through the lobby like a pro. It was an interesting interpretation of my liking music but I wasn’t complaining. What a thoughtful, nice man. And with his arm around my waist, guiding me into my third-row seat, I was reminded that the nice man attended the gym very regularly. ‘So, have you broken any hands since I last saw you?’
I shook my head, starting to regret having told him any details of my break-up. The Rules were rules for a reason, I understood that now. ‘Nope, I did get a job though,’ I offered, filling him in. This time, I did hold back a little on the detail. I just didn’t feel as if he’d necessarily be ecstatic about being the star of an online search for love.
‘Well, that’s great!’ he said, kissing me quickly and unexpectedly. ‘This is a celebration then. You should have told me.’
‘It’s nothing huge,’ I said, blushing. He thought I should have told him. Ahh. ‘Just an online thing, it won’t go in the magazine at all.’
‘Don’t talk it down,’ he admonished, taking my hand in his as the lights flashed twice. ‘You said you wanted to be a proper writer and now you are.’ He looked across at me. ‘You’re a real inspiration, you know? One week in the city and see what you’ve achieved. I really hope some of this luck is going to rub off on me.’ He really did know just what to say to make me feel amazing. The orchestra struck up as he leaned across the velvet-covered armrest and kissed me deeply.
‘I suppose that might help the luck rub off quicker,’ I said, pressing my lips together after the endless kiss.
‘I’m prepared to keep trying until it does,’ Tyler whispered while the actors took the stage.
I sank back in my seat and grinned in the dark. At least I was going to have something to write about in my diary tonight.
The rest of the evening was so special. I was completely carried away with the romance of the show, squeezing Tyler’s hand, resting my head on his shoulder, burying my face in his jacket during the sad bits. Afterwards, we wandered down to a tiny candlelit restaurant around the corner. In no time at all, I’d turned into a purring kitten, all coquettish giggles and bicep stroking. God, if Mark had known musicals had this effect on me, he might have taken me to more.
‘You really are remarkable,’ Tyler said, spoon feeding me ice cream. Usually that kind of couplish behaviour made me want to vom, but with Tyler, it just seemed sweet and loving. ‘I can’t believe you’ve managed all this in a week. I guess I’m just not a risk taker like you.’
‘It’s so weird being described by someone else,’ I said, offering a spoonful of cheesecake in return for the ice cream. ‘The one risky thing I’ve ever done is come to New York, but that is working out fairly well. Maybe I ought to look into this risk taking thing more.’
‘I think that sounds like a wonderful idea,’ Tyler said. ‘I’ve always had my life so mapped out. Ivy league college, good job with a great bank, next is supposed to be wife and kids, move to Connecticut, retire to Florida.’
‘Sounds like fun,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘I think I had something like that planned, and then I found my boyfriend with his pants around his ankles. I don’t recommend it.’
‘If I were to find my boyfriend with his shorts around his ankles, something would have gone wildly wrong with my plan.’ His eyes crinkled lightly as he shook his head and laughed. Oh, he looks nice when he laughs, I thought, musing over his good points. Sweet, funny, great prospects, makes me feel like royalty, and quite frankly, not bad to look at, and there were rock hard abs under that suit.
‘If you were going to go wildly off plan,’ I had to find a chink in the perfection somewhere, ‘what would you do?’
‘I don’t know,’ he said, leaning back in his chair. ‘If I were being totally selfish? Do anything I want?’
‘Anything you want,’ I confirmed.
‘I’d take a year off and follow the Yankees. Every game,’ he said, smiling to himself. ‘Can you imagine?’
‘Not really,’ I frowned. Not the romantic answer I’d been hoping for.
‘Or, I would rent an island, like the one the Virgin guy has,’ he suggested.
‘Necker Island?’ More like it.
‘Yeah,’ he nodded. ‘I’d rent Necker island and just hide away for a few months. Just the sun and the sand and some great wines and whiskeys. And a satellite TV for Yankees’ games. And a WiFi connection so you could keep writing, of course.’
‘I’m there?’ I asked, playing with my napkin.
‘It’s my fantasy, right?’ he said, reaching out for my hand across the table. ‘So I get to take whoever I want.’
Silently blushing from head to toe, I tried to meet his gaze, but I had instantly become a Complete Girl and couldn’t even look at him.
‘The food here is really great, but the coffee is awful,’ he whispered just loud enough for the waiter to hear as he walked by. He sniffed loudly and carried on walking. ‘And I have a suspicion we’re not that welcome any more,’ he laughed. ‘I, however, have great coffee. You want to come back for a while?’
I looked over at the waiter who was already running up our bill. It really did look as if he might spit in our coffees. At best.
‘I’m only ten minutes from here,’ Tyler said, pulling out his wallet and placing the fabled black Amex on the bill the second it arrived without even looking. I really had wanted to pay tonight, but in a way, I really did love the fact that he wouldn’t let me. ‘And it’s really good coffee. I have a Gaggia.’
Whatever a Gaggia might have been, it swung the deal. It was just coffee after all, there was no way Tyler was going to be less of a gentleman than Alex. We ducked out into a cab and drove slowly around the park. Somewhere I still hadn’t visited, it looked so beautiful lit up at night.
‘You want to walk the last couple of blocks?’ Tyler asked, reading my mind. I nodded eagerly and jumped out onto the pavement, leaning against the wall and looking out across the lake. It was like a scene from a movie. My movie.
‘Sometimes you forget how lucky you are to live with all this on your doorstep,’ he sighed, taking off his jacket and resting it on my shoulders. It was lightly scented with his aftershave and still warm. ‘It’s amazing to see it through someone else’s eyes.’
I turned to say something, but was cut off by his kiss. His arms encircled my waist and without breaking away, he lifted me up and placed me on the wall, as if I were made of air, as if I weighed nothing. Pressing against him, I let the kiss grow deeper and deeper until my hands were lost in his thick hair and my legs were carelessly knotted around his. I had completely forgotten I was in the middle of a busy street, I was so entirely given over to this kiss, this moment. Suddenly, I felt all of my frustrations bubble up to the surface, every night I’d laid in bed alone waiting for Mark to come home, every hopeful smile I’d had rejected, every touch that had gone unacknowledged, even Alex’s refusal to come upstairs with me the night before, however honorable his reasons, it all burst out in that one kiss.
‘My apartment is just around the corner,’ Tyler pushed me away gently. His eyes burned and I knew I just had to. I wanted him so badly. The absolute certainty that I was in for a thoroughly good seeing to burned in my chest as we moved in silence, somewhere between a quick walk and a slow run. It was only a couple of minutes to his Park Avenue apartment, but it felt like a million miles. Falling through the door, I tore at Tyler’s beautiful suit and kicked away my flip-flops as we rolled down the hallway. I knew that I should step back, work out what I was doing. But I didn’t care. I didn’t care if it was revenge sex, a sexorcism, or just something I needed with someone I wanted. All I knew was that the doorknob pushing into my lower back needed to be turned if it led to the bedroom. And it did. Tyler pulled me in, flicking on the low bedside light as we crashed on to his huge bed. This wasn’t the time to work out my motives, I told myself, feeling so small and delicate as Tyler lay on top of me, his hands frisking my curves firmly, his lips still pressing against mine. This was time to let my body make some decisions for me. And if all my body’s decisions felt this good, I would be consulting it far more regularly from now on.
Morning declared itself with a chirping alarm clock. I had absolutely no idea what time it was, but it felt early. Really early. Stretching my arms out, I marvelled at how wide the bed felt, how soft my sheets were. How bright the sun was through the giant picture window … hang on a minute.
‘Morning,’ Tyler appeared in the doorway, fully dressed in a suit and tie as I clutched the covers tightly around my chin. Quick visual check, yes, I was naked. He sat down on the edge of the bed and placed two steaming cups of coffee on the side table. ‘Since we never got to it last night,’ he said, bending down and offering a long, slow kiss.
I still wasn’t quite sure what to say.
‘Sorry, it’s so early,’ he carried on regardless, picking up his coffee and sipping thoughtfully. ‘Monday’s are a bitch, I have to be in before all the meetings start, otherwise I don’t stand a chance. I’m usually tied to my BlackBerry all Sunday night and, as you know, I had better things to do last night.’
I smiled weakly and fumbled for my coffee. ‘Mmhm,’ I nodded and sipped slowly. The longer this took, the less likely it would be that I might have to make conversation. Damn, I thought, sipping again, he really does make fantastic coffee.
‘Anyway, I’m gonna get gone.’ He smoothed my hair and came in for another kiss. ‘Just let yourself out whenever,OK? The door locks itself, so don’t worry about alarms or anything. Call me later?’
I nodded and accepted one more kiss before he stood up to leave. I set my coffee down and buried my face in the pillow, not seeing Tyler pause in the doorway.
‘I just wanted to say,’ he called across the room, ‘good luck for your meeting.’
Thank God he hadn’t said anything about how amazing it had been. I just couldn’t cope. ‘Thanks,’ I managed without sitting up.
‘And I actually just wanted to say, last night was really,’ I’d spoken to soon, ‘really amazing.’
Ooh, so close.