Learning the Ways
They tell me I should be dreaming by now, that the images and scenarios should be well-embedded into my brand-new subconsciousness, but for me, all there has been is color. No. That’s not right. When I close my brand-new eyes, all that consumes me are the shifting shades of grays and blacks, and I’m not sure if this is something I should be worried about or not. I’ve been in this human simulation environment for quite some time now, and I’m guessing that part of my “humanness” hasn’t kicked in yet. But I’ve heard the others talking and describing their dreams, and I’m getting anxious for my first one. Revalia, the closest thing I have to what humans call a “best friend,” has told me the fabulous tales of her dreams. She says sometimes she doesn’t even want to wake up. She says the images and sounds and smells are so overpowering, so overwhelming, that when she wakes up, she desperately longs to go back to that dreamy, lazy place between the conscious and unconscious mind. I wish I knew what she was talking about.
I know my lack of dreams worries Camael. He has told me many times the human experience is multi-pronged and multi-faceted, and in order for me to complete my calling, I must be immersed in the most basic of human functions. There’s no other way for me to complete my mission because there’s no other way for me to be a “believable” Guardian to the human I am assigned. And if I don’t complete my mission successfully, I will never move up the ranks and become a Guardian Angel. Camael is in a higher order of angels than I am—the Dominions. He’s my mentor, and it’s his job to prepare me for the journey that I’m about to embark upon.
Yes, I’m an angel—we all are: Camael, Revalia, the others, and me. But, my rank right now is that of angel—the lowest rung on the ladder. My goal is to move up to Guardian, and hopefully beyond. It’s the natural progression for my kind, and I’m excited to serve the Creator (or God, as the humans refer to Him) and all of His glorious wonders.
There is no time—not the way humans divide time up at least. I’ve always existed, yet there are others and elders who were here in Ilarium before I was created, and since I’ve been given the ability to communicate in human language, it seems hard for me to put into words all the thoughts and feelings that I had before. Before, there was just love and peace and a willingness to serve and please, but now there is an actual lexicon, a vocabulary of tens of thousands of words, that I’m still trying to figure out how to effectively communicate and verbalize what’s in my heart. Never having had a heart before, it takes some getting used to.
We angels who are preparing for our callings have been thrust into a human-like world in order to become accustomed to the actual life of a human. The Powers That Be have replicated the physical world and have created buildings and structures for us, given us languages, infused us with feelings, and given us body shapes all in preparation for our descent to Earth.
While angels are neither male nor female, I have the body of a woman now, and I will be assigned female attributes from here forward. I rather do like the contour of the female form, I always have, and perhaps my partiality towards women is what prompted the Creator to put me in a woman’s body. My wings are more defined too; they are heavy on my shoulders with the feathered tips almost irritating the backs of my arms and legs. As the human notion of time becomes more ingrained into our routine, the weight of my wings becomes more and more cumbersome. Camael has said that the awareness of our wings was important so when we lose them on our descent, the shock wouldn’t be so bad. I don’t know; I’m still trying to understand all my teachings. Like how we’re going to be given a set of human memories specific to us and our assignment, yet have all the knowledge of our angelic lives. The thought of blending the two perplexes me.
This leads me to right now. This time. This place. The unfamiliarity of it all. Camael says this is a school, and the human I am assigned to help goes to one. I know this. I’ve seen them, the humans. I’ve watched them from up high, but actually being in a school—the four white walls and chairs called desks filed in rows with children sitting at them—is quite an adjustment. I sit in the front of a single aisle. We’re in alphabetical order, and I’m Aestra, so that means I’m first in the row. Revalia is a few desks behind me. I turn my head to try to catch her attention, but she’s staring out the window, deep in what Camael calls a “daydream.” I look at her a few seconds longer hoping my gaze can break her trance, but she’s too far gone, mesmerized in her human thoughts. The one disadvantage to being in this human shape is we angels can no longer feel the thoughts and emotions of others without speaking them. If I had been free from this woman body, I would have been able to read Revalia’s mind, but then again, if we weren’t in these human forms, Revalia wouldn’t be having such thoughts as hypnotizing daydreams…
I can’t even have a subconscious dream, let alone a conscious one! The lack of a dream and my desire to have one plagues me. Perhaps I’m so concentrated on having one, that I’m actually stopping it from happening? That doesn’t seem to make sense, and yet it does. I know Camael will not let me go to the human world unless I have a dream, and as if he was reading my mind (because as a Dominion, I know he still can), Camael appears in front of the classroom to begin our training for the day.
I look away from Revalia and focus my attention on my mentor, my guide: Camael. When he was in his natural form, his light shone beyond any angel I’ve ever seen. His aura would pulse different colors as if it was singing in its own choir. The love from his majestic light was so soothing that to think of it now makes me want to weep. He appears before us in a human shape as well, only because it is part of the training, but even a mortal shell, he can’t hide his grace and beauty. His wings have absorbed most of his glowing radiance, and they shine so brightly, ever-changing their melodious colored pattern. The bright blue color of his eyes is so un-humanlike sometimes I don’t even know why he bothered with a human figure in the first place. His power and brilliance must be too extreme to be contained in the flesh. My heart swells up inside of me—my devotion to him is powerful and pure.
We angels don’t have families as people do. In fact, each angel is a new species, a different being made from the vision of the Creator. But I’ve always felt a special bond with Camael. He always looked out for me, showed me his eternal love and devotion, and has been an amazing teacher.
“And you must be ever cognizant of your surroundings, for there will be forces there sent to impede your mission…” Camael speaks, but it is the routine set of instructions reminding us of the dangers of the physical world and, quite possibly, beyond. Sometimes I wish he would use the words of our age group and speak in the cadence of an eighteen-year-old. The practice would be nice.
“And lest you forget any aspect of your mission, remember the only connection to me or Ilarium is through your Watcher. Consult with your Watcher; confide in him or her.”
I know all this; we know all this. Every angel in this room is well aware of his or her calling: help the person we are assigned, help them overcome any physical or mental or emotional battles he or she may be facing, help them to defeat their own personal demons and…
“That is correct, Aestra,” Camael interrupts my thoughts and sidesteps his usual oration. The room gets very still and silent. Not a mumble or mutter or flutter of a wing can be heard, and my cheeks suddenly get hot. Is this embarrassment?
Camael chuckles, “Yes, it is! Embarrassment is a very real, very common, human emotion. Everyone, look at Aestra!” In a flash, the entire room is in front of me, staring at me. My cheeks burn hotter, and I dip my head down slightly so I can’t see their eyes. “See, everyone,” Camael continues, “that is raw and tangible emotion, one that humans feel regularly. Shame, guilt, embarrassment, all can come on in that way.”
“How does it feel?” a voice asks.
“Not good,” I answer.
“Does it hurt?” another chimes in.
I’m so uncomfortable, I don’t know how to respond. The others are all in awe of my sudden display of humanness. My head is still shifted downwards, and from the corner of my eye, I see one angel is not in front of me with the others. Revalia remains at her desk, her face turned toward the window again, lost in her thoughts…
“Alright, alright,” Camael says, getting everyone’s attention again. “Take your seats and leave Aestra alone, but use this as a lesson. All of you could do well with some human embarrassment, and believe me, it will happen whilst on your mission. Aestra, why do you think you had that moment?”
He’s put me on the spot, and I tense up; every feather on my wings stands straight down at attention as the others’ eyes boring holes into the back of my head. “You were in my mind. Reading my thoughts.”
Chuckles pop up from sections of the room as Camael smiles, “Ah, yes, I’m always there, though. You know that. What prompted the feeling, though? Was it a thought, a word?”
“Demons. I was thinking of how we will be helping our humans ‘battle their demons’ and that’s when you broke into my mind. It startled me.”
“Because you weren’t fully paying attention to my speech?”
I shift in my seat. “Yes. And because you answered me so quickly.”
“So do you think you were on the verge of a daydream?”
I think about that for a few seconds. “It’s possible.”
“Good, now let’s work on those nighttime ones, okay?” He winks at me like a human would, but a ray of his golden light shines brighter from the eye that is opened. A few of the angels behind me snicker a little. It’s no secret about my lack of dreams, and what’s to stop their derision? We all have free will, and it’s common knowledge that seventeen- and eighteen-year-old children don’t always have tact when it comes to the feelings of others.
Camael raises his hand for the room to settle down. “Getting back to what I was saying before. Your Watcher is a particularly crucial resource to you. Why? Thalis, answer that please.”
The angel, Thalis, speaks in a loud, confident voice, “Because your Watcher is not quite angel, not quite human, and they are our link to Ilarium.”
I turn my head to see her. She’s standing up in the back row and smiling proudly. Her hair is cut short, like a boy’s, and I wonder why The Powers That Be didn’t give her a boy shape. Revalia is sitting in front of her. Her bruise-colored wings are hanging lifelessly at her sides, and she has a faraway look in her eyes. I’m now worried about her, and I desperately wish to be inside her thoughts to understand what’s going on.
Thalis sits down, and Camael graciously applauds. This gives him an opening to go over the nature of the Watchers with us… again, something with which we’re all familiar: Two hundred angels fell in love with mortal women and went to Earth to marry them. The rebellious angels were punished for eternity, and the children the women bore, the Nephilim, were cast out of society. But these special children loved humankind so much that they made a promise with the Creator to forever serve and protect future angels who were on their callings. These half-angel, half-human beings became the Watchers, the only immortal creatures allowed to roam the Earth in love and service to the Creator and whatever He fashions.
“Yes, Heariah?” Camael calls.
“Will Revalia be getting a new Watcher?”
All heads spin to Revalia, including my own. Interestingly enough, I had not thought of that. I guess I never asked her before because I knew how hard it was for her when her first mission failed. Revalia has been a little different since then—changed, distant, more human. She must be getting ready to go on her calling very soon, I surmise. And then it happens. A bright pink color blooms on Revalia’s face. Embarrassment. But for some reason, it looks so natural on her. Is that how I looked? She nods her head, silently answering Heariah’s question, and everyone faces forward to resume the lecture.
Once again, Camael is speaking, and once again I find myself half-listening and half-not. The story of the Watchers is one that always fascinated me because I know there has to be much more to the story than what has been told to us. I mean, I love humankind—the creation of man was the Creator’s most intriguing invention! They are so complex and simple at the same time. They are endowed with both flesh and spirit. They are connected to each other through their blood and friendships, and they are gifted with specific individual talents separate from each other, yet alike in their capabilities and commonalities. Regardless of their differences, all humans share the same assortment of collective experiences: love, fear, hope, death. I love them because the Creator made them; they are a part of Him as I am a part of Him, and for that, I am bound to them.
But to fall in love with them? To be so enamored with their existence to actually go against the Creator is unspeakable! I don’t know what it was about those mortal women that made those angels fall. Could it have been their supple bodies? I will admit I can see why a man would be attracted to the voluptuousness of the female form, or even another woman for that matter, but to drive an angel to do the unthinkable? It doesn’t make sense to me.
Humans are enthralling. They do funny things and lead quirky lives. They interact so interestingly with each other; they have a different modicum of decorum for each individual encounter, yet their souls are rich and abundant with glowing light and love (whether they realize it or not). At their cores, there is purity and goodness. Watching them makes me shine … even when they do wrong and evil. I can get swept away in their music for what seems like years. The melodies and harmonies can put me into a swoon-like trance. Maybe it was their music that tempted my brethren?
Or their poetry! Even I am taken aback by the way humans can weave words together. They can create tapestries of colorful and stunning words that hang in the cosmos like velveteen bridges between Earth and Ilarium. I can only wish that in my human form I will be bestowed the power to craft words into beautiful verse because it truly is a power—a talent, a gift, a preciousness that supersedes mediocrity. Falling in love with humans? No way! But to fall in love with the written word? Now, there’s a possibility. It almost makes me jealous to think that…
And now, there’s silence. No Camael bounding into my brain, no loud interruptions to make me blush with shame, no prompting of the others to look at me; just silence—sharp and strange. I can tell the others are uncomfortable by it. It’s as if Camael, and all of Ilarium for that matter, has breathlessly stopped. I try to breathe deeply, but something prevents my lungs from feeling satisfied. A lump in my throat forms as Camael lifts his hand and waves everyone away. His eyes are trained on mine; their intensity bringing out another human emotion in me… fear.
Without a sound, the others leave the room. Camael motions for me to come forward. As I stand, the room around me disappears. Suddenly my wings are suspended, and my human body is dangling in the darkness.
Camael floats up and locks his eyes on mine. “Jealous?” he repeats my thoughts. “What do you mean by jealous?”