The Art and Science of Attraction
Five foot seven inches tall, early thirties, with sun-kissed skin and long blond hair, Christy didn’t have any trouble attracting men. Like the majority of daters in the United States, Christy joined an online dating service. She relished coming home after work to peruse profiles and read her most recent e-mails. Christy is not alone. According to recent statistics, 40 million of the 54 million singles in the United States have tried online dating.77 Although she met several men, she just didn’t seem to feel a connection with any of them.
One day, Christy’s friend Carla suggested that she go on a blind date instead. Carla worked with a guy named Matt who she believed would be perfect for Christy. Unfortunately, after Carla showed Christy his picture, Christy became reluctant.
“He was not the kind of guy I would normally pick,” Christy admitted.
However, with Carla’s insistence, Christy went on a coffee date.
“I figured, what could getting a cup of coffee hurt?” she said.
To her surprise, she hit it off with Matt immediately.
“He was funny and charming, and we had so much in common,” she said.
The two started dating, and within a year they got engaged. Christy’s experience is not surprising. We actually use different parts of our brain when judging a potential date from a photo as opposed to in person. Researchers conducted brain scans of volunteers looking at pictures of potential dates. The researchers found that two brain regions became active while volunteers viewed the photos. The paracingulate cortex calculates how attractive the person is, while the dorsomedial prefrontal cortex decides if it’s a person they would like to pursue a relationship with. After the initial viewing of the pictures, the researchers then had the volunteers meet. They discovered that when the two people met, a second region became active. The rostromedial prefrontal cortex began making more sophisticated calculations, such as how similar and likable the person was.78 Therefore, some people may be dismissed as potential partners based on pictures, but if they met in person, they would be considered desirable. The reverse is also true. A person can become quite enamored with a photo, but once the two people meet in person, those feelings can disappear faster than promises after Election Day.
WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE WANT?
Attraction is so undiscerning that you can be in love with someone and still find yourself attracted to someone else. That’s the funny thing about attraction. It really doesn’t tell us much about what we want when it comes to love. Quite often the characteristics that someone finds initially attractive are not the same ones he or she chooses for a long-term relationship.
For example, in one study women were more attracted to a man who purchased a bright-colored, flashy car—such as a stereotypical, midlife-crisis, red Porsche—than one who purchased a Honda Civic. But there was a catch. Although the women found the Porsche guy more attractive to date, he wasn’t preferred as a marriage partner. As the report noted, “When women considered him for a long-term relationship, owning the sports car held no advantage relative to owning an economy car.” 79 Therefore, although a woman might like to go on a date with a man in a Porsche, she probably wouldn’t date him for very long.
The Porsche example is one of the things men complain about. I’ve had men ask me, “What do woman really want?” Wonderful, sweet, and loving men are completely frustrated because they are trying to please a woman and be the man she says she wants—and there’s the problem. She really doesn’t know what she wants. Oh yes, she’ll tell you she wants a sweet, kind, and sensible man. But, just like the Porsche study, she walks right past Mr. Stable and Sensible and runs off with the guy in the flashy red car.
The poor, sensible car guy is left shaking his head, exclaiming, “She said she wanted stability, what gives?” Initial attraction is what gives. The majority of women will tell you that they want a nice guy. Most women will not check the box indicating she wants a man who’s grumpy, unpredictable, or irresponsible. But although she says she doesn’t want that type of man, what she says and what’s she does, or who she picks, can be very different.
Most people indicate that positive emotional traits and a nice personality are desirable in a relationship partner. However, a study from the University of British Columbia asked the participants to rate pictures based solely on gut sexual attraction and not which person would make the best boyfriend or girlfriend. The study, in which more than a thousand participants rated sexual attractiveness of the pictures, found that women were least attracted to smiling, happy men. Contrary to what women say they want in a relationship, these women were more attracted to men who looked proud and powerful or moody and ashamed—characteristics often displayed by the iconic “bad boy” types.80
Why this discrepancy? That initial, exciting spark of attraction is mostly about the sex drive. We are attracted to what we feel is sexually desirable. Anthropologist Helen Fisher states that the actual feelings an individual experiences as he or she becomes attracted to someone is a product of the evolution of the mammalian brain, which is designed to enable individuals to choose genetically superior mating partners.81 In other words, we are designed to be attracted to the best person to have sex with, not to have a lifelong relationship with. That’s the reason I start every dating coach client with a list.
THE LIST
Before a person starts to date, I ask them to sit down and complete a list. The list consists of everything they want in their ideal partner. If they want someone who’s tall, they put it down. If they want someone who’s educated, they write it down. If they want a dog lover, they write it down.
Next, I ask them to write down their deal-breakers. Deal-breakers are things that the person possesses that would make you not want to begin a relationship with them (for example, one of my deal-breakers was drug use). After they have a complete list of everything they want and everything they don’t want, I ask them to trim the list. They need to pick out the top five things they want, or the “must-haves.” Then they must pick out the five things they don’t want (the deal-breakers). Everything else on the list is negotiable.
This list serves two purposes. First, a person identifies their most important criteria for choosing a mate. As the Porsche experiment revealed, what a woman wants and what she picks are often vastly different. Attraction starts in the primitive brain, but when you make the list, you’re using the more advantaged part of your brain—the neocortex—and making decisions based on well-thought-out wants versus primitive desires. This is important to know, because as you start to date, as you already know, attraction can short-circuit the more advanced brain. When this happens, without a strong conviction, you’re more vulnerable to lusty spur-of-the-moment decisions.
The list can help prevent regret. When you know what you want and agree upon those desires ahead of time, it can stop you from running off with someone who’s geographically undesirable just because they have a cute butt.
Now that you know what you want, you need to learn how to attract it. Since, more and more people are meeting online, let’s begin this discussion with your dating profile.
DATING PROFILES
Online dating is a great way to meet someone. But with so many options, people don’t tend to give each individual profile very much time. In fact, the majority of online daters tend to scan the profile pictures. Making your profile picture selection is a potential critical step on your road to love.
When I started working with Candace, I asked her what she felt her problem with finding love was. She replied, “It seems like all the men I meet are only interested in a sexual relationship.”
When I saw her online profile, I realized why she attracted those types of men. Candace is a very attractive and fit woman. In fact, she does health and fitness work for a living. Because of her work, she has lots of pictures of herself in tight and revealing clothes. Unfortunately, she chose a sexy, full-length, figure-hugging photo for her main profile picture.
Researchers believe that men focus on different things depending on the type of relationship they are looking for. One report states that men who are looking for short-term companionship are more interested in a woman’s body than those looking for a long-term relationship. Those who are pursuing a long-term relationship focus on a woman’s face. As one researcher put it, “men’s priorities shift depending on what they want in a mate, with facial features taking on more importance when a long-term relationship is the goal.”82
By putting a sexy body shot as her profile picture, Candace unwittingly attracted the more casual relationship–minded men. Therefore, we simply replaced several of her body-shot pictures with face shots, and we quickly noticed a change in the caliber of men who began responding.
In selecting the right profile picture, there are several things that you can do to increase your attractiveness. The first is using the color red. Red has had a direct connection with sexual attraction for thousands of years. That’s one of the reasons you see so much of it on Valentine’s Day.
Researchers have found that the color red enhances our attraction to another person. At the University of Rochester, psychologist Daniela Niesta conducted a study that measured men’s attraction to the same woman. She showed the woman’s picture to the men but varied the background color or the color of the woman’s shirt. Niesta found that men were most attracted to the pictures that included red. Next, Niesta told the men, “Imagine that you are going on a date with this person and have a hundred dollars in your wallet. How much money would you be willing to spend on your date?” Not surprisingly, Niesta found that men would spend the most money on a woman in red.
Now, you might be wondering if red has the same effect on women. Another researcher, Andrew Elliot at the University of Rochester, decided to test the effect of red on women. He asked a group of women to rate the pictures of men whose shirt color was digitally altered. Elliot found that the women also rated the pictures of men wearing red as more attractive. But, even more interesting, he found that without actually meeting or talking to the men, the women perceived the men in red as having a higher social status, more likely to make money, and more likely to climb the social ladder. But there was one other thing that may have the guys running out for a new red shirt. Elliot found that the women in the study also perceived the men in red as more sexually desirable. Not only that, but the women were more willing to date, kiss, and even engage in sexual activity with the men in red.83 Therefore, your initial profile picture should have you either wearing red or it should have a red background.
Next, let’s take a look at the face. Both men and women have asked me what people are most attracted to. We live in a beauty-conscious society, and this can cause some people to feel intimidated. Some worry that they look too average. The good news is that average is a great thing. Research from the University of California, San Diego, and the University of Toronto wanted to discover which facial features people were most attracted to. In four separate experiments, they asked participants to make paired comparisons of attractiveness between female faces with identical features but different eye-mouth distances and different distances between the eyes. The researchers discovered something they called the “golden ratios,” the most attractive distance between the eyes and mouth and the best distance between the eyes. Interestingly, these proportions correspond with those of the average face.84
However, you still want to put your best face forward. To do that, may I suggest a picture showing your left cheek? According to a study from Wake Forest University, images of the left side of the face are perceived and rated as more pleasant than pictures of the right side of the face. Researchers have theorized that the left side has a greater intensity of emotion, which the observers find aesthetically pleasing.85
As you pose for your left-cheek picture with the red background, there is one other thing you need. In fact, this may the most important thing you can do to attract love in your life. What is this key to love? A smile.
If you’re a woman, the single most important thing you should be doing to attract love in your life is smiling. Remember the perceived vulnerability? When you smile, you seem friendlier and more approachable. Pictures of smiling women get more attention. But this only applies to women. Ironically, smiling men get less attention online. Women tend to go for the moody or proud and powerful. Now, if you’re a man, and you’re not sure if you can pull that off, grab that guitar I told you about in Chapter 3.
THE SIX ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS IN AN ONLINE DATING PROFILE IF YOUR GOAL IS LOVE
YOU NEED TO MEET
Once a woman starts chatting with someone online, she wants to make sure she sets up an off-line date rather quickly. According to a study conducted by Dr. Paul Zak at Claremont Graduate University in California, humans release oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone,” while communicating through social media websites, instant messaging, and text messaging. “The brain doesn’t really distinguish between real interaction and texting,” says Zak.86
Although both men and women produce oxytocin during these times, as I’ll explain in Chapter 5, it only causes women to fall in love. Therefore, a woman can be texting away, certain that he’s “the one,” and even falling in love before she meets the man. But when he meets her, biologically and chemically speaking, he’s just met her. His body is responding to her like it’s the first day they met, because, well, for him, it is. She may have developed warm and loving feelings for him, but he needs to see her in person to get the ball rolling.
This may be why, according to the University of Texas School of Public Health, nearly one-third of female online daters who were surveyed reported having sex on the first date.87 She thinks there’s already a relationship, but he thinks he just got lucky. In her mind, they’ve been having this fantastic and meaningful virtual relationship, but in his, it’s still only their first date.
ATTRACTION IN PERSON
I mentioned earlier that the pheromones like copulins that a woman produces when she ovulates can get a man’s attention by having the biological effect of raising his testosterone. Imagine a man absent-mindedly standing at a bar when a woman walks by. At that moment the man’s buddy elbows him in the side him to get his attention to notice the girl. That buddy is testosterone. When a man’s testosterone gets a bump, it tells him, “Hey, look at her!”
So what can a woman do, short of dousing herself in pheromones? She can easily and effortlessly give him a nudge by doing one small thing. What is this magical act? You already know it—the smile.
Remember ladies, you’re the prize. Therefore, when a woman smiles at a man, it can feel like the slot machine just paid off. The glint of her pearly whites can be saying, “Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!” And, since he’s preprogrammed to pursue, expect him to respond.
This theory was supported in a study that discovered that men tend to overestimate a woman’s attraction to them. In fact there may be an evolutionary bias for this. As Carin Perilloux, a researcher at Williams College, explains it: “There are two ways you can make an error as a man. Either you think, ‘Oh, wow, that woman’s really interested in me’—and it turns out she’s not . . . [or] she’s interested, and he totally misses out. He misses out on a mating opportunity.” So the guys who went for it scored more often and passed on their overperceiving tendencies to their offspring.88
When a man perceives a woman as receptive to him, it sends a testosterone-raising jolt right through him. Contrary to the studies that show men tend to be more aggressive when their testosterone shoots up, in this case, they become friendlier—to a woman, that is.
A study conducted in the Netherlands found a direct connection between a man’s testosterone bump and his incentive to court. An even more interesting study found that a testosterone spike causes a man to be more caring toward a woman. The researchers elevated the men’s testosterone levels in a nonphysical contest. They then placed each participant with either an unfamiliar man or woman. They found that the men with the greatest testosterone increase showed more interest in the woman, engaging in more self-presentation, smiling more, and making more eye contact. In fact, the researchers state that this is the first study that provides direct evidence that elevated testosterone levels increase affiliative behavior (friendly, positive gestures, such a smiling and touching) toward women.89 In other words, when a guy gets that testosterone nudge, he’s automatically programmed to sweet-talk a woman.
WHEN THE SMILE FAILS
Tina told me the story of meeting Brad through mutual friends. The night they met she flirted, but Brad graciously backed away. Tina later learned, much to her embarrassment, that Brad was married. Brad and his wife were going through a difficult time, and that was why he was at the party without her. Three years later, Tina was out shopping when she heard a man’s voice call out her name. It was Brad. Brad and his wife had tried to work it out but decided to divorce. Although Tina had all but forgotten about that night, Brad hadn’t. Tina’s smile had left an indelible memory. Now that he had been single for a while, he was ready, willing, and able to pick up where they left off that night.
Now you have each other’s attention. What do you do next? It’s time to determine if this is someone that you would want to risk falling in love with. That’s decided in the next phase on the road to falling in love—dating.