The Truth About Happily Ever After
Dr. George Vaillant of Harvard Medical School believes that love is in a group called “positive emotions.” These emotions include love, hope, joy, forgiveness, compassion, trust, gratitude, and awe. Charles Darwin called these social emotions; they help us “to break out of the ego of I and mine.” They are more about “us” than “me.” You don’t have to be taught; rather, you’re hardwired to produce them.233
In Chapter 8, you learned that love, compassion, and empathy are connected. By practicing one, you can trigger the others. It also holds true for positive emotions. By practicing one, the others follow. For example, if you want to feel more love with your partner, you can start by practicing gratitude. If you want more joy in the relationship, practice forgiveness, and if you want more hope for the future, practice trust.
Vaillant refers to these emotions as being part of “emotional spirituality.” He believes that it’s the practice of these emotions that has helped us to evolve from selfish reptiles to loving, playful, passionate mammals to reflective, cause-seeking Homo sapiens.234 By finding and then choosing to be loving, you become a better person. You move from a selfish, self-seeking individual to a caring, compassionate couple.
THE PRACTICE
Once you’re in a committed relationship and have fallen in love, you now find yourself on the other side. What you do next can either help you have lifelong love or send you on another search. Love now becomes a choice. When you first fell in love, it was a feeling; here, love becomes something you practice.
The key is remembering what you learned when you first fell in love. When you first fell in love, Mother Nature showed you what love looks like. Now, like my loving father holding my bike, she knows you know, so she’s letting you go. How far you go is up to you. Here is where you need to apply what you’ve learned.
When you first fell in love, you learned that love trusts, doesn’t judge, is exciting, gives, and looks at the best in your partner. To achieve happily ever after, you now need to start practicing these, even when you don’t feel like it. This love becomes more concerned about giving love than getting it. But, ironically, by giving love, you receive love.
Holly found herself withdrawing more and more in the relationship. When I asked her why, she said, “Because he’s being a jerk.”
Then I asked, “So why did you pull back?”
“I guess I was waiting for him to come and apologize,” she answered.
“Did he apologize?” I asked.
“No, it seemed to get worse.”
Pulling back or withdrawing is a common pattern in relationships. The idea is that you pull away and the other person realizes that you’ve pulled away, and because they love you so much, they come running to see what’s wrong.
This type of response works great when you’re in the obsessive phase of falling in love. But once the obsession is over, this doesn’t work anymore. In fact, now it can have an unintended opposite effect.
Someone’s having a bad day and reacts poorly, causing the other person to feel threatened and defensive. That person goes off by himself or herself or maybe talks with a friend. Animosity builds and the gap widens. Each waits for the other to be the first person to apologize or reengage. Sometimes the next interaction is also negative, causing more hurt feelings and more withdrawal. The next thing you know, the house has grown cold and both people are unhappy. The reason this can happen so easily is because love itself is a type of feedback loop.
THE LOVE FEEDBACK LOOP
Research psychologist Bianca Acevedo performed fMRI brains scans on couples who had been together for an average of four years. She found heightened activity in the part of the brain said to contain the mirror neuron system.235 The mirror neuron system is what allows us to evolve so quickly. Instead of learning how to do something from trial and error, I simply need to watch you with my mirror neurons to understand how to do it.
As neuroscientist V. S. Ramachandran explains, “When you watch someone else reach for a glass of water, your mirror neurons automatically simulate the same action in your (usually subconscious) imagination.” 236 In other words, merely watching another person do something or act a certain way affects your brain, as though you just did it yourself, and you don’t even know it. This is the reason why athletes watch highlight videos and why love stories make us feel so good. Our mirror neurons make it feel like we are doing it.
So when you practice love, you feel it, but the other person will also feel it, as if they were doing it themselves. And because it already feels like they are practicing love, they are more likely to practice love themselves. In a way, you’re training them to be more loving. Conversely, if you’re acting petty or aggressive, you’re stimulating that response in the other person. This is one of the reasons why hostage negotiators are so calm and compassionate. They want the perpetrator to calm down, think about his or her actions, and feel some benevolence.
This is also why you want to be more caring and loving in your relationship. Whatever action you do, the other person feels and does. With mirror neurons, love becomes self-amplifying. When your partner feels and learns more love, he or she mirrors more love back to you.
PRACTICE ADMIRATION
When you fell in love, without the critical verdicts of your Judge, you viewed your beloved as the greatest, most amazing creature that ever graced this planet. Your love grew as your beloved basked in your admiration. Therefore, it should be of no surprise to discover that one of the biggest predictors of relationship longevity and happiness is one’s ability to maintain those feelings.
In a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner of the University of Geneva found no particular combination of personality traits that lead to sustained romance, with the expectation of one: the ability to sustain “positive illusions” of one’s partner.237 Couples who continue to admire the qualities that attracted them to each other in the first place experience long-term happiness. This means that a couple can “think” their way into happiness. When you still see your beloved as funny, cute, or exciting, it keeps them funny, cute, and exciting, helping to keep the passion alive.
Mutual admiration is a key to long-term love.
This is true for both men and woman. In one study, a random sample of 274 U.S. married individuals found that 40 percent of those married more than ten years reported being “very intensely in love.” One of the biggest predictors of that intensity of love for a man was thinking positively about his partner.238 Another study at the Ontario Science Center in Toronto, Ontario, found that a woman’s idealism about her mate consistently predicted greater relationship longevity.239 When you look for the best in your partner, you both win.
What does having “positive illusions” mean? Does it mean you have to be amazing or perfect for your partner to think you are? Surprisingly, no. In fact, researchers have found that perceiving a fallible partner heightens tendencies toward idealization.240 This means that you and your partner don’t have to be the most beautiful, funniest, exciting, or the best at anything. The more human and authentic you are, the greater the chance that your partner will think you’re the most beautiful, funniest, exciting, or the best. Conversely, the more quirky or imperfect your beloved is, the greater you will probably adore them. With positive illusions, you’ll think they’re perfect. That’s the point of illusions—they don’t have to be based in facts. In fact, John Holmes of the University of Waterloo found that positive illusions seem to have surprisingly little grounding in interpersonal realities, suggesting that idealism is in part unwarranted.241
Carol likes to tell the story about how she met Gary on the subway in Manhattan. “I was reading a book, so at first I didn’t notice him,” she says. “Then he sat down next to me and made a joke about the book I was reading. He made me laugh. That was twenty-six years ago, and he’s still fun to be with. He makes me laugh almost every day,” she added.
But it’s not necessarily the words that Carol speaks that are important when she tells that story. Rather it’s what happens to Carol when talks about Gary. Her face changes and her eyes become more distant. It’s as if she’s watching her own movie in her mind’s eye. She’s flashing back on all those fun times, all those jokes and laughter. Carol chooses to focus on the part she loves about Gary, his sense of humor. Gary’s not a stand-up comedian, and I’m sure not every day is fun. But in Carol’s mind, he’s the greatest. And that’s all that really matters.
When your inner Judge returns, you have a choice. You can listen to the new, unfavorable critiques that arise or you can choose to dismiss those and focus on the parts you like. You’re moving from an automatic feeling to a choice. What you choose now dictates what you feel. In fact, researchers have found that individuals reported greater satisfaction, trust, and love, and less ambivalence and conflict, the greater their partner’s idealism.242 You can focus on the positive attributes of your partner and your relationship, and your relationship will be positive, or you can focus on the negative and get more of that.
When you first fall in love, you’re convinced that you’ve met “the one,” the perfect person for you. However, as your full brain function returns, little doubts surface. If you allow those uncertainties to grow, they will erode your loving relationship over time. Therefore, it’s probably not surprising that researchers have found that a sense of conviction or security in your relationship creates stronger and happier relationships. Researchers have also discovered that people believed their own relationships were relatively immune to the dangers of their partners’ attributes. This gave them seemingly exaggerated feelings of control, and considerable optimism for the future.243 Therefore, if you want a happily-ever-after future, it helps to maintain the memories of the illusions from the past.
PRACTICE GIVING AND FORGIVING
The more you give love, the more your partner feels. This in turn builds their trust, love, and security in the relationship. It also relieves their doubts, thereby strengthening their conviction. This in turn will help build your trust, because their strong conviction decreases your doubts; and because you know you can trust them, it increases their love, because they feel loved and are less afraid to love.
It’s tempting to pull back when you’re upset. The theory is that your partner will see your distress and show that they love you by coming to your aid. This theory worked great when you fell in love. Then, your beloved was so obsessed with you that the slightest hint that you might be moving away would have him pouncing like a dog on a ball.
Pulling back no longer works in real love.
Now that the obsessive phase is over, you need a new plan. If you pull back, their mirror neurons pick that up and they learn to pull back also. Therefore, you pull back, hoping for them to come to you, but they see you pulling away and they mirror your response by pulling back themselves. You respond by pulling further back, and the next thing you know your hot passion is turning cold and your oxytocin is dropping. This makes you less likely to touch, kiss, or cuddle. Now you’re losing the oxytocin feedback loop, and you’re feeling less loved.
When a man feels that his beloved is pulling back, his response is often to focus on something else. He spends more time at work or on a hobby to keep his mind off the approaching cold front. And the next thing they know, they’re living on separate ends of an iceberg, wondering what happened to the love.
So how do you move from the ice age to global warming? By practicing giving. Instead of withdrawing and waiting for your partner to ask what’s wrong, go talk to them. Remember, you have now moved to a more mature love. For example, say something like, “When you said my hair looked flat, I heard you didn’t think it looked good. Is that what you meant?” Now, either he’ll say, “Yes, I like your hair curlier,” or “No, I was just making an observation.” Many times what you hear and what a person meant are two different things.
Once the issue is out, now you can practice giving. This may sound trite, but I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not easy. When I first tried to practice this with Ed, I found it hard. When I felt upset, I would naturally withdraw and often call a friend. In the past, I would call a friend who would support me and commiserate. They would take my side and support my childish response. This, of course, didn’t help my relationship.
This time, I got a mentor. Instead of telling me I was right, she would remind me to be kind. I was reminded that many times a fight or a withdrawal is a plea for love. When we don’t feel love, we pull back. The answer is not to meet their pulling back with more of the same. Rather, the answer is to coax the person back with love.
Once I told her my position, she would say, “Okay, that’s fine; now go and ask him if he would like a cup of tea.” The first time she suggested this, I almost chipped a tooth with my defensive jaw clenching. My mind screamed, No way; he has to come to me. I told my mentor, “Yeah, but he’s being a jerk.” She responded with “Yes, I know, but do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” In other words, is this the hill I want the relationship to die on? When you choose to be right, it automatically makes the other person wrong. Making Ed feel like he’s in the wrong lowers his testosterone, so he’ll fight to prevent that. Next thing we know, we’re both defending ourselves and no one wins.
At this point in my life, I became willing to set down my pettiness and the need to be right for the higher goal of a loving relationship. Therefore, I went back into the room with Ed. As I entered the room, I could see his body tighten like he was bracing for a fight. I walked up to him and asked, “Would you like a cup of tea?” His response was surprised; he paused for a moment and then said “sure.”
I walked back in a few minutes later with a hot cup of tea and handed it to him. At first he looked at it with suspicion. I think he even sniffed it, maybe to smell for poison. Then he relaxed and the tension drained from his shoulders. Once we both lowered our defenses, we were able to talk like two people who actually love each other.
Since that time, there have been other occasions when we’ve become defensive. However, with enough practice, we can snap out of it by reminding each other that we’re on the same team. That is to say, we love each other and want this relationship.
I had a client call who was very distressed. She loved her husband but said he was driving her crazy.
“I just don’t understand it. He forgets everything,” she said.
“What’s been going on?”
“I have to remind him ten times that we have an engagement. I had been telling him for weeks that we had my cousin’s birthday party coming up and that he needed to pick up the balloons. Last night when he came home from work, do you think he had the balloons?” she asked.
“My guess would be no,” I said.
“Yeah, and to make matters worse, he forgot, showed up late, and we ended up late for the party because we had to make a special trip for the balloons. I love him, but sometimes I could kill him,” she said.
I hear this complaint about men forgetting all the time. Women are much better at remembering because of that larger hippocampus I mentioned in Chapter 2. Not only that, when a man falls in love, his drop in testosterone affects his hippocampus, causing it to shrink. So not only has the poor guy given up some strength, drive, and stamina to be with you, he probably has given up some of his ability to remember, as well as some of his internal GPS. Therefore, if you notice that your guy forgets more than usual, or seems to get lost, just remember: this was his sacrifice for loving you.
I’ve talked about the importance of practicing the things you learned when you fell in love. However, the real secret to happily ever after may come down to the care and maintenance of three important neurotransmitters.
BOMBPROOF YOUR RELATIONSHIP
In a recent study of 437 divorcing men and women, one of the main factors cited for the divorce was unmet emotional needs.244 But how do you know what the emotional needs of your partner are? And how do you know if you’re meeting them? Often you do what you think you would want done. That would be great if your partner was a carbon copy of you, but they are not. Men and women are different; therefore each one has different needs. In addition, there are lots of different types of needs. How do you know which ones are important?
To bombproof your relationship, that is, protect it from being destroyed, you want to choose and practice love while meeting each other’s needs. To do this you need to choose practices that help maintain three critical neurotransmitters: dopamine levels in both, her oxytocin level, and his testosterone level.
DOPAMINE = PASSION
As a relationship ages, the excitement tends to decrease as you come to know each other. The relationship can become predictable and even routine. The passion, once burning red hot, now slowly turns tepid. However, some couples are able to maintain intense, passionate, romantic love for many years.
Researchers decided to conduct fMRIs on couples who reported being intensely, madly in love after ten years together. Not surprisingly, the researchers found significant activation in the ventral tegmental area (VTA)—the dopamine-rich, reward area of the brain. In fact, the greater the closeness the person experienced with their partner, the greater the reward response,245 indicating they were experiencing considerable pleasure from being in the relationship.
So how did they maintain that intensity? The researchers discovered that if couples participated in new, novel, and rewarding activities, their neural activation in the VTA would continue.246 Doing new things together like new hobbies or new adventures, such as travel and learning about new cultures, can keep the dopamine elevated. Participating in thrilling activities such as zip lining, rock climbing, or simply doing something that makes you nervous can also increase norepinephrine along with the dopamine, compounding the excitement.
This excitement factor was confirmed in another study. Researchers had couples either participate in mundane activities or challenging ones, like moving an object together without using their hands, arms, or teeth. The relationship quality was evaluated both before and after the activities, to see if participating in the exercise had any effect. The researchers found that participating in this shared novel and arousing activity helped relieve feelings of boredom and improved relationship quality.247
PRACTICE WITH FRIENDS
In a joint study with the University of Colorado–Boulder and Wayne State University, researchers tested the effects spending time with other couples had on a relationship. In two different studies, the researchers looked at what effect spending time with other couples had on a person’s self-disclosure. In other words, would spending time with other couples help people open up? The study found that when paired with other couples, people tended to open up more and share more intimate details about their lives.
Next, another study looked at the effect that self-disclosure had on the individual and the couples. They found that high self-disclosure interaction with other couples increased a couple’s passion. The study concluded that the creation of couple friendships could be an additional way to reignite feelings of passionate love in romantic relationships.248 The embers of passionate love are continually stoked by new and novel activities; these can include fun shared events with other couples.
PRACTICE ALONE
For a happy, healthy relationship, you need to do things together but still have a life of your own. Being too dependent on the other person for your happiness puts an undo strain on the relationship. Yes, you need to do new and fun things together, but it’s also a good idea to have your own activities that also give you pleasure.
Researcher conducted fMRIs on people to see what part of the brain passion activates. They examined both passion for a partner and general passion, such as hobbies. The researchers found that the two share some common reward circuitry.249 This then suggests that having your own hobbies and activities that make you excited can also strengthen your relationship.
A study asked one hundred couples to name the most important factors that contributed to marital satisfaction. Women stated passionate love was important. Passionate love is the intense longing for the partner and the desire to be close. Where passionate love is, oxytocin is sure to follow. However, the study found that for men, passionate love was not the most important factor.250 So if you’re a woman trying to build a connection with your man, cuddling and talking alone are not going to do it. You want to keep the passion alive, but even more important, you want to pay attention to his testosterone level.
HIS TESTOSTERONE
When a man commits, his testosterone drops. Unfortunately, low testosterone is associated with lethargy and depression. On the other hand, as an Air Force study found, high testosterone is found in men as they are contemplating divorce.251 This is usually caused by conflict and fighting at home.
Therefore, for a man to be truly happy and content in a relationship, his testosterone needs to be not too high and not too low. You want his testosterone to be just right, and stay in the testosterone sweet spot.
Prior to Nikki and Dick’s divorce, Nikki had lost respect for Dick. His poor handling of their finances upset her. She began to hurl thinly veiled insults at him in the form of snide comments. She would say things like, “You can’t do anything right.” Dick also had pressure at work. He wasn’t winning at work or at home. His testosterone tank was probably pretty close to empty. He needed to get a “win” quick. Of course, we know what he did. He got his needed testosterone boost in the form of a new girlfriend.
Figure 6. Testosterone Fluctuations
At the other end of the testosterone spectrum are couples who fight often. The stress and tension can cause a hostile environment, which raises his testosterone. His level becomes high enough and blocks all effects of oxytocin. This can lead to his withdrawal and what Gottman calls “stonewalling,” without him ever leaving the house.
The main reason I wrote this book is to help empower people. One of my impetuses was a woman named Sue. Sue was part of a weekly coaching group. When I asked Sue what her main problem with relationships was, she said, “They all get lazy and turn into wimps.”
She continued, “I’m a strong, independent woman; I have my own home and business. But I seem to attract weak guys. They start out all right and then something happens. I’m looking for a man who can add to my life, be my equal and tough enough to hold his own with me.”
What Sue has is a great dilemma. She wants a man to stay strong and tough but also commit. Now that you understand what happens when a man falls in love, you can see the problem here. As soon as he commits, his toughness begins to soften as his testosterone drops. At the same time, as Sue falls in love, her testosterone rises. This creates a greater disparity, where she becomes even more dominant than usual. She also wants him to leave his territory and move into her home, which further weakens his dominance. Soon the masculine-feminine dynamics feel like they have switched.
In all of these cases, the usual result is the end of the relationship, or worse, years of unhappily ever after. But there are things that you can do to help keep his testosterone in the sweet spot.
GIVE HIM A WIN
Rachel called me and said, “Brad and I aren’t doing well.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“He’s just not doing anything around the house anymore. For example, last night I reminded him to take out the trash. But today he left for work and the trash was still there!” she exclaimed.
I learned that when they first moved in together, Rachel would appreciate it when Brad took out the trash. But now it’s his job and she expects him to do it. In fact, if he doesn’t do it in a timely manner, Rachel becomes upset and nags him. Brad hates the nagging and doesn’t want to be told what to do. So, he’ll do just about anything else than take out the trash.
A man’s testosterone level fluctuates around a set point, increasing with “wins” and decreasing with “loses.” When a man does something for you, it’s a win. It makes him feel good and gives his testosterone a little boost. However, when something is required, or worse, demanded, the winning effect is lost. In some cases, such as when nagging is involved, it can lower his testosterone level. As the testosterone gets lower, so does his motivation.
Now he has no other recourse than to try and get a testosterone boost. To do this, he’ll need to win a challenge. When he resists taking out the trash, it gives him a “win” and supplies him with his needed lift. The problem is, to get this boost, he must compete and win against you.
A man can get a testosterone boost when he’s aggressive. The form I just mentioned of avoiding taking out the trash is passive-aggressive. In fact, his testosterone-generating boost doesn’t need to be outwardly aggressive. Researchers at Syracuse and Pennsylvania State Universities found that things like spelling bees, elections, criticism, competitions, and academic jousting can all help give his testosterone a nudge up. In addition, things like looking at porn, winning a game, and watching his team win also causes testosterone to rise, while losing the game or watching his team lose lowers his testosterone.252
When you nag, yell, or complain, it’s a “lose” and lowers his testosterone and incentive. But when you compliment, praise, or appreciate him, that’s a win. Rachel’s solution was simple. She could ask him to take out the trash, and when he does, say, “Thank you.”
As I tried to explain this idea to Rachel, she became upset.
“Why do I have to give him a win? He’s a grown man; he should just take out the trash,” she complained.
That’s when I gently reminded her what he gave up to be with her. When Brad committed to her, his testosterone dropped. In a sense he was giving up something very valuable to be with her. His testosterone was his source of strength and vitality. For some men, testosterone can drop to castration levels. This means that in a way, he has given up the family jewels to be with her. The least she could do is recognize this and help him to maintain the little bit of testosterone he has left.
Simple things like saying thanks, being appreciative, and not having expectations can go a long way to maintaining his level in the sweet spot. Other ways men can get a needed boost are winning at video games, buying himself something new, or driving a sports car. In fact, if he happens to drive a family sedan, every time he gets into it, his testosterone level drops.253 Therefore, those guys need even more love than most. It’s also probably what’s behind the classic midlife crisis sports car purchase. As a man ages, his testosterone naturally decreases, but a hot sports car can give it a boost. His purchase of a little red corvette may be his way of shoring up his dwindling supply of testosterone.
One way I try and give Ed a win is with jars. Whenever I make anything that requires me to open a jar, I bring it to him. He opens the jar, and I get to say “thank you.” Other ways include looking for little things he’s doing right, to encourage that behavior. Instead of complaining when he leaves clothes on the floor, I say “thank you” when I notice him picking them up.
Also, when I really want something, I may not ask directly. Sometimes being direct can be perceived as a challenge. A challenge can also boost testosterone, but not in a way that’s beneficial to the relationship.
This was an issue with Sue. Sue was a mother of two and was used to barking out orders. Therefore, when the new beau came along, she treated him like one of her children—or worse, one of her employees. The choices he had were not good. Either he complied and was perceived as a wimp, or he revolted and started a power struggle. Either choice would eventually result in the death of the relationship.
Sue needed to see how she was contributing to this situation and make adjustments accordingly. Instead of commanding a man, she needed to give him an opportunity to please. Hinting that she wanted something, or something needed to be done, gives him the opportunity to put on his Superman cape and come to the rescue.
For example, I mentioned to Ed that I thought my tire was going flat. He heard this not as a demand (a loss) but as an opportunity to please (a win). He went out and checked the tire and added more air. He rechecked it again over the next couple of days to make sure it wasn’t a slow leak. I gushed gratitude for getting my tire fixed, making me feel cherished, and he felt like a superhero for doing it—a win-win for both of us.
One study looked at the effect of gratitude on sixty-six couples who were in ongoing, satisfying, and committed relationships. They found that even though the relationships had ups and downs, they were reliably marked by one person’s feelings of gratitude. The study concluded that everyday gratitude serves as an important relationship maintenance mechanism, acting as a booster shot to the relationship.254
Joe and Cathy credit their relationship longevity and happiness to a nightly ritual. When they get into bed, they tell each other three things they were grateful for that day. They say you can never go to bed angry when you have a grateful heart.
Joe and Cathy’s nightly ritual also gives a nice boost to each of their neurotransmitters. As they do the gratitude list together, Cathy gets a nice boost of oxytocin, while Joe gets a shot of testosterone when he hears that Cathy is grateful, especially if she’s grateful for something that reflects on him.
The reverse is also true. When a man hears complaints, blame, or disrespect, it can have a devastating effect on his testosterone. Before I realized what was happening, I would complain about things in hopes that Ed would do something about them. Unfortunately, it would have the opposite effect. When he heard a complaint, he heard he was doing something wrong. This would lower his testosterone and motivation. To make matters worse, things like complaining and blame can actually push him away.
A Japanese study looked at the neural activations of blame and praise. Their findings showed that blame and immoral acts activate the area of the brain involved in the theory of mind, or the part concerned with what’s yours and what’s not. In a way, to your brain, blame is considered an immoral act that’s not about you, while praise, on the other hand, triggers the part of your brain associated with positive emotions and love.255
The findings of that study make a strong case for the augment that praising someone is more likely to bring about positive change than criticism and blame. When you put blame on someone else, the other person’s mind wants to get as far away from you as possible. That’s probably why people become defensive when they are blamed for something. Their brain is telling them that the fault does not lie with them. They will then defend their position, rather than accept a negative and objectionable act as being a part of themselves.
Blame pushes a person away.
On the other hand, when you praise, the other person feels great. And, as we learned from the dating phase, when something feels good, you want to do it again and again, like the rat pushing the lever.
Praise and winning are the ultimate relationship safeguards for a man.
HER OXYTOCIN
As a woman learns to trust a man, her oxytocin level slowly increases. This high oxytocin level bonds her to her partner. Oxytocin helps her to trust and keeps her defenses at bay.
In a study at the University of Bologna in Italy, scientists decided to test the effect that viewing a loved one had on defensive responses. Researchers studied the participants’ startle response, such as the amount of blinks when exposed to a sound, the clenching of one’s jaw, heart rate, and skin conductance or nervous perspiration when the person was presented with either a loved one, a neutral picture, or an unpleasant photo.
The researchers also showed study participants pictures of their parents versus a picture of their partner. What they found was that in all cases, the natural defensive response was buffered by love. In fact, the partner’s love had a greater inhibition of defensiveness than even parental love.256 In other words, when you’re in love, you’re naturally less defensive and closer to you partner. In fact, you’re even less self-protective with your partner than with your parents.
The study found that the defense inhibition effect of love was even more profound in women.257 A woman should naturally be at ease with her partner. She should be less defensive and more trusting. A woman’s level of trust is connected to her level of oxytocin.
In Chapter 6, we learned that oxytocin and trust were intimately linked. Researchers in Switzerland wanted to test this theory. They set out to determine how oxytocin affected trust. In the study, the researchers broke the participants up into two groups. One group received intranasal oxytocin, while the other received a placebo. Next, the two groups participated in a money game. Basically, the game questioned how much money a person was willing to risk after they heard that the trustee only paid out 50 percent of the time.
The study found that in the group that received the placebo, trust and investment dropped dramatically. On the other hand, the oxytocin group kept the faith and even upped their ante. Next, the researchers conducted fMRIs on the oxytocin group to determine what effect it had on their brain. They found that oxytocin had a buffering effect on the amygdala.258
Unfortunately, little day-to-day stresses can have an effect on your oxytocin level. Worry and uncertainty can cause stress hormone levels to rise, which can impair oxytocin.259 When a woman’s oxytocin gets low, it can cause her to become disconnected, untrusting, suspicious, and defensive.
However, interestingly, if you trust your partner, your partner is probably more trustworthy. Couples with the strongest convictions about the partner’s love and trustworthiness also rated their partner as more virtuous.260 This would make perfect biological sense. If a person had strong convictions about their love, they would have less stress, increasing their position in the loving part of the brain, which, as we learned earlier, also houses morals and virtues. If a partner is perceived as solidly in love, they should be more virtuous and more trustworthy.
Therefore, if you doubt or snoop around on your partner, it sends a subtle message that your love may be eroding. Not only does this affect you, it can send a subtle subconscious message to him. Conversely, when you show him trust, it sends a jolt to his subconscious that he is loved. When he feels trusted and loved, his testosterone stays in the good zone.
In turn, when he feels trusted, he feels safe and is thus able to be more vulnerable and loving. When a woman feels that love, her oxytocin naturally increases. The oxytocin feedback loop works with kissing and cuddling as well as trusting. That’s because love can be a buffer against stress. In humans, oxytocin inhibits stress response activity, including the release of cortisol.261 Therefore, when a woman feels less stress and more love, her oxytocin level stays high. In turn, she feels more trust and love, causing her man’s testosterone to be just right.
Oxytocin diversity is also important. When a woman has only one source for her oxytocin supply, it puts her supply at risk. If her partner is her main source, it can cause fear. If the partner leaves, he could take her precious supply of oxytocin with him. The same holds true for children. During childbirth, a woman gets a super dose of oxytocin. Every time she looks at her precious bundle, she gets another shot. It can become tempting for her to focus on the child for her source of oxytocin. Of course, the problem is that the child grows up, leaving an empty nest. If a woman’s focus is solely on the child, this could be a huge loss. But if a woman has other sources of oxytocin, such as friends, a book club, hobbies, and even social media, she can weather the storm and keep a stable supply.
In addition, a woman’s personal beliefs can have a big effect on oxytocin levels. Trust is enhanced by your own beliefs about the world. If you believe the world is a dangerous place, it can make trust and oxytocin hard to hold. But if you believe the world is safe and you are loved, trust and oxytocin stay high. This may be the reason that a study out of Portugal found that regular churchgoers, married people, and couples who enjoy harmonious social ties are most satisfied with their love lives. They found this to be true for both men and woman and for all ages from eighteen to ninety.262