Dating Wisdom: What Works, What Doesn’t
Now you know what biochemical processes have to happen for someone to fall in love. For women, oxytocin and dopamine build up, and for men, testosterone, dopamine, and vasopressin build up until they reach a tipping point. On the other side is the exhilarating sensation called “falling in love.” On paper this seems pretty straightforward: add a little vasopressin, mix in a little dopamine, top off with a splash of testosterone, shake, not stir, and voilà—you have a man in love. Of course, anyone who’s been there knows it’s not that easy.
It’s not just a simple additive process; rather, you have this pesky time period where the neurotransmitters need to build up. It’s also the time when we are evaluating the other person. Is this someone we want to risk falling in love with? Is this someone we want to spend the rest of our life with? During this time, any misstep can cause the process to hopelessly derail. What do we call this perilous in-between place where one miscalculation, one wrong word, or a slight body-language hint can send you to the lonely depths of rejection hell? It’s called “dating.”
Open up any woman’s magazine or watch a daytime talk show and you’re bombarded with tips and advice when it comes to dating. Go into any bookstore and you’ll find a whole section devoted to dating books. Surf the Internet and you’ll see banners for dating sites, coaches, and services. It seems like everyone has something to help the lovelorn. But how do you know what is the right thing to do?
Here’s the good news. You now hold in your hand the true secret to successful dating. In this chapter, we’ll take a closer look at how the brain and the neurotransmitters work on the path to falling in love. Once you understand how things operate, you’ll know what to do if your goal is love. You’ll understand what advice works, why, and what behaviors help you to get to love. Let’s begin by taking a closer look at what’s happening in your brain.
THE REWARD PATHWAY
Not surprisingly, since love is our greatest reward, the process of falling in love begins within the reward pathway. I’ve briefly made reference to the reward center and pathway already. However, in order to understand what dating advice works and why, we need to take a closer look. The brain’s reward pathway is an ancient circuit encompassing some of the more primitive brain structures. It’s believed to have evolved over a billion years ago. In fact, the chief neurotransmitter, dopamine, affects the behavior of most creatures, including worms and flies.120 In humans, this pathway also incorporates our more recently evolved prefrontal cortex, the thinking, planning, and reasoning part of our brain. This allows us a degree of restraint. By adding the prefrontal cortex to the pathway, you now are not completely swayed by your biological urges. You’re not running purely on instinct. You have the ability to judge, weigh, and calculate the benefits versus the costs of each decision.
Essentially, when you sense something you want or believe might be nice to have, dopamine is triggered in your brain reward pathway. It starts in your ventral tegmental area (VTA) or reward center, which resides on the floor of your midbrain. Activity in this area is associated with pleasure, general arousal, focused attention, and motivation to pursue and acquire rewards.121 You walk into a mall and the smell of coffee fills your nose. Your next thought is Boy, a caramel latte sounds good right now. Or maybe you see a sign that says “Half-price off all shoes.” Or maybe you bump into a friend who has a cute coworker who just happens to be single like you. Whatever the reward might be—coffee, shoes, or the potential of love—they can all trigger your reward pathway by releasing dopamine. You then experience a pleasant feeling that motivates you to want more. Like the rat that kept depressing the lever, you will continue to pursue the desired item as long as it feels good.
It’s called a “pathway” because once triggered, a response travels a circuit that includes the amygdala and parts of the frontal cortex, particularly the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, or that part of the brain that makes judgments (hereafter referred to as your “Judge”). Together these structures help to determine if a reward is worth pursuing or doing again or not. If the amygdala and the Judge both say “yes,” the activity continues. However, if one or the other says “no,” you lose interest. You want that caramel latte, but you want to look good in your new jeans more. Therefore, the cost of that latte in calories outweighs its short-term, tasty benefits.
There are two other important structures along this pathway: the hippocampus and the hypothalamus. The hippocampus, if you recall, is used slightly differently in men than in women. Both use it for memory, but women are better at remembering color and details, while men tend to remember directions. When a woman meets an attractive other, she remembers what he looks like, while a man remembers where a woman is located. He’s built to find her again and she’s built to remember what he looks like when he returns—just another reminder that men are built to chase and women are built to choose.
When it comes to love, the hypothalamus can also get involved. If the other structures along the reward pathway don’t veto the response, it finally gets to the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is responsible for releasing oxytocin and vasopressin, the neurotransmitters needed to fall in love. All these structures work together to continue the chase or to cause it to come to a halt. When you meet someone you like, your Judge says, “Me likey,” the amygdala sounds an alarm to say, “Hey, pay attention,” and the hippocampus says, “Let’s remember this.”
Next, your ventromedial prefrontal cortex, or Judge, is triggered again. Your Judge now begins a careful evaluation. This reminds me of a game I played as a child called “Red Light, Green Light.” As the Judge asks questions and gets a “yes,” it’s a green light, and the response keeps going, but if the answer is “no,” it’s a red light and everything stops. Often the first question is “Are they single?” Yes, green light. Next, “Are they interested in me?” Yes, green light. “Am I interested in them?” Yes, green light.
If you keep getting green lights, your reward center gushes with dopamine. Your amygdala’s alarm buzzes to get your attention, which can make you nervous and anxious. Your hippocampus is triggered to remember and your Judge carefully evaluates, and each time all goes well and the response makes another lap around the circuit, your hypothalamus releases oxytocin or vasopressin, and you slowly waltz your way toward love.
Of course, if it was as easy as it sounds, you wouldn’t need so many dating books, advice columns, dating coaches, and relationship therapists. The problem is that each of these parts, including the neurotransmitters, has idiosyncrasies that can enhance or hinder the process. Much of the common relationship advice addresses these issues. Let’s look at some of the science behind some popular dating advice.
BEING RECEPTIVE
I mentioned in Chapter 5 that when a man is attracted, his testosterone gives him a nudge. What happens next can either give him a green light with its first lap around the reward circuit or it can shut the process down. The way a man gets a green light from a woman is when she’s receptive.
When we first start dating, each of us is wondering the same thing: Do I like this person and do they like me? If you decide you like someone, the next thing that happens is you begin looking for clues that they like you. These are subtle, often subconscious indications that the conversation is tipping into your favor. For a man, when a woman smiles or twists her hair, an electrifying jolt can be sent to his reward center. His insides start jumping around like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer when he was first kissed, exclaiming, “She likes me, she likes me!”
Since vasopressin is one of the neurotransmitters of love for men and it increases with sexual longing, men are looking for evidence of desire. A man’s desire for a woman is important, but it may be much more important for her to desire him. Men can be attracted to a myriad of woman, but when one reciprocates interest, it can be surprisingly intoxicating.
In my workshops, one question I often get is “How can I let a man know I’m interested?” Since I advise women to let him chase, they want to know how to get his attention without pursuing. I tell them the biggest thing a woman can do is smile. Now, I’m not talking about a quick smile followed by putting your head down. Many women make the mistake of cutting off the smile too soon. I usually demonstrate the “I like you smile” by looking at a man, smiling, then letting my eyes drift up and down him, coming back to meet his eyes. Then, almost as if I’m embarrassed to show such a display, I turn away demurely. This brief, three-second encounter sends a message straight to his reward center that says, “Stop whatever you’re doing and get over there!” It also starts flooding his bloodstream with supercharged testosterone, so he’s now ready to start the chase.
You can signal desire during dates by tilting your head or subtly touching your lips, or, better yet, by touching your date. A brush of his arm or a pat on his hand sends a message that you would enjoy more contact with him. Because women fall in love with a buildup of dopamine and oxytocin, men are looking for evidence of that. Oxytocin is the cuddle hormone, so those slight touches can indicate that oxytocin has entered the building. And, as a woman’s oxytocin builds up, she begins to trust him.
As you go out on dates and get to know each other, he’s looking for signs that you’re enjoying being with him and that you trust him more and more. When you smile, make eye contact, and lean toward him, it sends a nonverbal message to him that you like him and trust him.
The entire process of dating is a slow lowering of defenses and becoming more vulnerable by building trust. Often your first date is a meeting in a neutral location. Then if you like him and trust him, you demonstrate vulnerability by allowing him to pick you up on the next date. As your trust for him grows, maybe you’ll invite him in. You now trust him enough to be alone with him. The more you show you’re building trust, the more enticing you are to him.
This is why the damsel in distress is such an alluring figure. If a man can swoop in and save a woman, help her carry a heavy package, change a tire, or rescue her from the villain who tied her to the train tracks, she’ll instantly trust him. He’s done a week’s worth of work in a few short minutes.
This is also why a sense of humor is often the number 1 desired personality trait women want in a man.122 Humor helps lower your defenses. You tend to trust people more when they make you laugh. But there is another important reason that humor is so important: it triggers the reward pathway.123 Humor can give your reward pathway a bunch of green lights.
YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN LOVE ANYONE ELSE
Dating is scary for everyone. Men and women both crave and fear love. You want love, but in order for someone to get close to you, you have to become vulnerable. That vulnerability is terrifying. In fact, some people simply take themselves out of the dating market. They work too much, or convince themselves that there is no one “out there” for them.
Those who are brave enough to venture into the open waters of dating discover that the waters can be choppy. Dating is rife with uncertainty. Because of this, it’s normal to experience high levels of anxiety, which is caused by triggering of the amygdala.
This apprehension and uncertainty can make you feel uncomfortable and fill your head with thoughts of doubt. Does he like me? Will he call? Is he a good choice? Will he make a good father? Does he want children? Do I want children? Will he still like me if I don’t want children? Because you have so many judgments and decisions to make, the neural activity along the reward loop can become intense. Sometimes this anxiety can cause a woman to make poor choices, just to quell the angst. This was Cheyenne’s pattern.
CHEYENNE
Cheyenne is a petite brunette in her late twenties. She’s smart and attractive, so to look at her, you’d think dating would be easy for her. But Cheyenne doesn’t like dating. In fact, she feels like she’s not any good at picking men.
Her last three relationships were horrible. The first one turned out to be a drug addict. The second one had a porn addiction, and the third ran off with her now ex–best friend. By the time she had met me, she had all but given up on dating.
Cheyenne’s problem was not necessarily the men she picked. Her problem was her amygdala. When she met a guy she was interested in, she’d immediately become nervous; the anxiety that dating caused was almost unbearable. She’d find herself checking her phone every five minutes, Googling his name, and stalking his Facebook and Instagram accounts.
If he called for a date, it almost made it worse. Now she had to worry about what to wear, getting her nails done, how she should wear her hair and makeup, and what she should say on the date. During the date she found herself listening to every word he said, looking for clues. Is he a cheater? Does he really want a relationship? Will he hurt me? Her internal dialogue became so loud that she missed things that he said.
Then came the pressure for sex. Cheyenne said she went by the “three-date” rule, where she waited to have sex until the third date. But she admitted that the tension and pressure would become so great, she sometimes caved on the first date. She said she just wanted to “get it over with.” When I pressed her about what she was getting over with, she said, “Once we had sex, it just seemed easier.” It turned out what Cheyenne experienced was the pacifying of her amygdala.
In a way Cheyenne was playing a game of Russian roulette. When she had sex, her oxytocin surge quieted her amygdala, diminishing her anxiety substantially, which made her feel better. This seemed like a great fix, but it wasn’t. The problem was that her oxytocin levels were high, which diminished her ability to judge her date.
In a joint study by the University of Zurich and Claremont Graduate University in California, researchers looked at the effects of oxytocin on trust. They found that intranasal administration of oxytocin increased trust among people, but it was a unique type of trust. They found that oxytocin specifically affected an individual’s willingness to accept social risk arising through interpersonal interactions.124 In other words, oxytocin helps you get past your natural defenses and interact in a deeper way. In fact, researchers found that when subjects were given nasally administered oxytocin, they displayed “the highest level of trust” twice as often as a control group.125
Oxytocin produces feelings of instant connection and believability, which clouds reality. Therefore, when Cheyenne slept with a man, her rush of oxytocin erased any doubts she had about him. He was instantly believed and trusted.
To top it off, all Cheyenne needed was to be excited about seeing him, which increased her dopamine and set her up to fall in love. The problem was that falling in love so early in the relationship shut down the parts of Cheyenne’s brain she needed to determine if he was a good fit for her or not.
The signs might be there. You see him surfing porn sites, notice that he drinks a lot, or see his eyes looking at everyone else but you, but because you have now muzzled your amygdala, it doesn’t feel like anything you should worry about. Of course, later his true character becomes too great to ignore—but by then, you’re already in a relationship, so the realization is painful.
Cheyenne needed to stop the deleterious relationship pattern she had developed. She would meet a man, get nervous, jump into bed with him to quell her nerves, fall in love, and then realize that he wasn’t the right man for her. Her heart would be broken, or worse, she’d spend years trying to “fix” him. She continued this painful pattern for more than a decade.
For her, loving herself was realizing her pattern and making changes to fit her real desires. She wanted a loving relationship with a great guy, but she just couldn’t figure out how to get it. Cheyenne had always been plagued with anxiety. She had an overly sensitive amygdala. The larger or more sensitive a person’s amygdala, the more anxiety they feel. Individuals who have had trauma, loss, or dysfunction in childhood tend to have larger amygdalae.
Cheyenne’s father was an alcoholic. Most of the time he was a sweet and loving father. But then came the nights he would drink. Bedtime became a source of terror for her. When she went to bed, she didn’t know if she would sleep through the night or wake up to screaming and fighting. Cheyenne never brought friends home, in case her father showed up drunk. Because of the potential dangers, her amygdala grew larger and more active. Cheyenne became hypervigilant. When her father showed up drunk, she needed to get out of the way.
Because of her past trauma, Cheyenne’s amygdala turned into the Incredible Hulk whenever she started dating someone. The anxiety made her look for certainty and control, but in the beginning of a relationship, ambiguity is high. Unfortunately, this uncertainty can cause an increase in dopamine. Cheyenne had high anxiety and high dopamine, so all she needed was a big dose of oxytocin, which she got by jumping into bed—then bam! She was in love. Her falling in love temporarily quieted her amygdala. But it also shut down other parts of her brain that she really needed in order to discern if a man was right for her.
What is a better way to handle this type of situation? The answer in this case is what the experts refer to as self-love. Cheyenne needed to love herself first, which involved becoming comfortable with herself. She needed to become aware of her patterns and decide to make changes. Next, she needed to create the list I suggested in Chapter 4 about the must-haves and the deal-breakers. She needed to get clear about what she wanted before she started to date. This would help decrease her uncertainty and allow her dopamine to rise at a more reasonable rate.
Next, Cheyenne needed to deal with her anxiety. Research shows that things like journaling and spiritual practices, such as prayer and meditation, can reduce anxiety and make dating more enjoyable. It may seem strange to see a discussion of spiritual practices in a science-based book. However, researchers at the Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital have found that those who believe in a benevolent God tend to worry less and be more tolerant of life’s uncertainties than those who believe in an indifferent or punishing God.126 Therefore, developing a connection to a loving God can be an antidote to anxiety.
Another important practice for Cheyenne was meditation. Meditation has been found to shrink the size the amygdala. In a study at Massachusetts University, researchers found that just eight weeks of meditation can reduce the size of the amygdala.127 A smaller amygdala can help alleviate angst. So now, instead of a crazy Hulk, Cheyenne’s amygdala is something akin to a pesky minion. Meditation, even a few minutes a day, is a great way to notice negative belief patterns and become more content. With meditation, journaling, and spiritual practice, Cheyenne is now ready to date in a better way.
There is still a ton of dating advice out there to choose from. Let’s take a look at what’s next.
WHEN WOMEN CHASE
Now, let’s imagine that a beautiful woman walks into a gathering and spots an attractive man. She decides that she’s a modern woman with a degree and a high-power position in her company. There is no reason why she can’t walk up and introduce herself to this man. She takes her prefrontal cortex full of accomplishments and women’s history and sashays over to him, smiles, and says, “Hi, I’m Jennifer.”
At that very second, the man’s thought patterns come to a screeching halt. His insides feel like a volcano has just erupted as his testosterone explodes. His amygdala is sensitive to testosterone. Therefore, when his testosterone increases, so does his amygdala activity. At the same time, this deluge of testosterone causes a reduced coupling of his amygdala and the primitive parts of his brain from the reasoning part of his prefrontal cortex.128 This means that the thinking part of his brain is less connected. The primitive part of his brain says to his prefrontal cortex, “Wahoo, there is a woman here and she’s interested in us. I don’t want you screwing this up, mister, so I’ll be taking over from here.” In a way, this leaves him at the mercy of his primitive brain.
As he looks at Jennifer, he becomes electrified with norepinephrine, testosterone, and dopamine. The norepinephrine causes him to get excited. The dopamine triggers the reward center in his brain, and he starts focusing on ways to win Jennifer. His increased testosterone causes him to feel more sexually aggressive. However, because of the weakening of the prefrontal cortex connection, the primitive amygdala is now running the show.
Therefore, as Jennifer is standing there smiling at him, a part of his brain begins to have doubts. Society and culture may have changed rapidly in the last hundred years, but this primitive structure is still old school. In addition, the part of his brain that should be telling him that it’s okay for Jennifer to behave this way is not fully connected with the rest of his brain. It may be speaking, but the doubts shout louder.
Recent changes in society and technology have little effect on this because our brains have been shaped by millions of years of evolution. The times may have changed, but our brains are much slower to adapt, particularly the parts concerned with survival and reproduction. Therefore, as Jennifer steps into her rightful place in society, she could inadvertently be triggering ancient, primitive, protective mechanisms in him known as the “opossum effect.”
OPOSSUM EFFECT
The opossum is a black-and-white scavenging omnivorous marsupial. It’s the only pouched animal still found in North America. The opossum has endured so long because it possesses a unique survival skill: instead of running away or fighting, it has a switch in its nervous system that causes it to freeze and faint when faced with fear.
This may seem counterintuitive. If the opossum falls down, why doesn’t the predator just eat it? The reason this tactic works is because the predator’s amygdala sets off an alarm signal in its brain, causing it to back off. It’s as if it says, “Hey, chief, this is too easy . . . something’s wrong . . . it’s not safe . . . let’s get out of here!” The opossum’s fainting reaction triggers a fight-or-flight response in the predator, causing him or her to become apprehensive about this “too good to be true” meal. According to evolutionists, this tactical response was evolved millions of years ago. It apparently continues to work well, since this little white-faced marsupial is one of the few animals still around that walked with the dinosaurs.
When a woman starts pursuing a man, a similar reaction can happen. When she makes it clear to him that she’s intensely interested in him, it can be analogous to her falling down on the floor in front of him. A part of him may be interested, but another part has its doubts. The man’s amygdala says, “Hey, chief, that’s too easy . . . something’s wrong . . . it’s not safe . . . let’s get out of here!” The man suddenly remembers he left the stove on at home and he’s gone.
To test this resistance to something that’s “too good to be true” theory, researchers at Dartmouth College conducted an experiment using rhesus monkeys. They showed the monkey food (either a pellet or a marshmallow). Then they gave the monkey one of the items. A food pellet is good when you’re hungry, but boring. On the other hand, the marshmallow is considered a yummy treat and enjoyed anytime.
When the scientists showed the monkey a pellet, then gave it to him, his reaction time was quick to accept and eat the pellet. But when they showed him a marshmallow (the prize) but then handed him a pellet, his reaction time slowed. His body language showed that he was apprehensive and disappointed, but eventually he accepted the pellet.
Next, they ran the experiment again, but this time they showed him a pellet and gave him a marshmallow. Since the marshmallow was considered such a treat, you’d expect him to snatch it up quickly. But what they found was the opposite: when presented with a pellet but then given the prized marshmallow instead, his reaction time was even slower than before. In addition to the hesitation, he also looked away from the food, as if to double-check his surroundings. His amygdala just sounded the alarm. The monkey would finally accept the marshmallow, but his reaction time in accepting the unexpected prize was more than twice as long.129 This experiment shows that it’s an innate behavioral response to be leery of something that’s “too good to be true.” It’s something that’s prewired into our brains.
Like the monkey, the man may accept the prize. In other words, Jennifer may actually get her man, but it may not be the happy time she was hoping for. He may remain skeptical, never fully believing he hit the romantic jackpot. Without that belief and excitement, he may not build up enough dopamine to fall in love.
Remember, for him to fall in love, he needs a buildup of dopamine, vasopressin, and testosterone. To get the testosterone, he needs the chase.
Without the chase, a man may not be able to build up the neurotransmitters to fall in love.
MEN CHASE
By now you’re probably wondering why I keep reiterating the phrase “men chase, women choose.” I mention it again because many other dating books recommend this, including the classic 1995, no. 1 New York Times bestseller The Rules: The Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. Many of the thirty-five rules contained in the book are about letting the man chase, such as: Rule 2: Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance); Rule 5: Don’t Call Him; and Rule 17: Let Him Take the Lead. Fein and Schneider admitted that they didn’t understand why this worked, but now that I’ve explained how the neurotransmitters work, it’s time to revisit this concept and show you why.
When a man meets a woman he’s interested in, his testosterone surges. This triggers the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus has the very important, sexually dimorphic nucleus of the medial preoptic area also known as “the pursuit spot.” Remember it? It’s the part of the brain that motivates a man to pursue a woman. This outpouring of testosterone kick-starts his pursuit spot into high gear, which makes him better equipped to pursue than a woman is. But his testosterone may quickly drop if he doesn’t chase.
Researchers at the University of Missouri–Columbia found that testosterone levels spike in a man during a challenge. In fact, scientists observed that testosterone levels rose during and after competition if the man won, but diminished following a defeat.130 Therefore, winning the attention of a woman gives a man a nice testosterone surge.
Anthropologists studying the Tsimané men, a group of forager-farmers in central Bolivia, believe this testosterone spike is an evolutionary adaptation that is critical for survival. While measuring testosterone levels of the Tsimané men, scientists discovered that a physical act such as cutting down a tree resulted in a greater increase in testosterone than directly participating in a competitive sport such as soccer. Testosterone levels are closely related to the availability of food energy. When young men skip even a single meal, their testosterone levels can drop as much as 10 percent. If they fast for a couple of days, their testosterone decreases to castration levels.
However, an acute spike of testosterone increases muscles’ ability to take in blood sugar, which in turn enhances performance and reaction times. Therefore, this spike could make the difference between surviving or not. As the researchers noted, “One of the important take-home messages of this study is that if you lose the ability to have the acute spikes in testosterone that increase your ability to chop down trees—chop longer and chop harder—that would be detrimental to feeding your family.” 131 In other words, this testosterone spike appears to be an evolutionarily adaptation that’s crucial for a man’s survival. When he feels it, he feels like a super winner.
However, the University of Missouri–Columbia study also found that when men competed against their friends, their testosterone levels did not change in response to victory or defeat.132 That is to say, it was not the challenge itself but the way the man interpreted the challenge that changed his testosterone levels. A victory against a friend is not considered a triumph and doesn’t produce that celebrated testosterone spike. In the same way, when the mating dance is not considered a challenge, such as when a woman gives in quickly, a victory may not be considered a triumph. Even though he scored a prize, this too easy “non-victory” can leave him still desirous of the hormonal boost and leave him feeling as though something’s missing.
WINNING THE PRIZE
Although Fein and Schneider didn’t understand the science behind the rules given in their book, it’s interesting that they chose “Be a Creature Unlike Any Other” for Rule No. 1. Wolfram Schultz, professor of neuroscience at the University of Cambridge, has found that novelty enhances dopamine response. Remember, dating is all about the reward pathway.
An unpredicted reward, particularly one that’s better than expected, induces dopamine even more.133 In fact, Schultz believes it can induce three to four times more dopamine, and that might even be a conservative estimate.134 Therefore, if you’re unique in a fun and exciting way, you will cause him to get a nice dopamine boost. Dopamine is important for helping to get past some of the reservations that naturally occur during the early stages of attraction and dating.
In order to keep the dopamine flowing, a man must believe that the ultimate prize is worth the risk. To test the association between dopamine and risk/reward, scientists in London conducted a unique study. Participants were divided into three groups. One group was given levodopa, a drug that increases dopamine levels in the brain. Another took haloperidol, a dopamine receptor blocker. The third was given a placebo. Researchers showed each group symbols associated with winning or losing different amounts of money. To “win” more money, participants had to learn which symbols resulted in which outcomes through trial and error.
The study found that those who took levodopa were 95 percent more likely to choose symbols associated with higher monetary gains than those who took haloperidol (the dopamine blocker). As a result, the levodopa group won more money, but it also lost more money. “The results show dopamine drives us to get what we want, but not to avoid what we fear,” said the author of the study, Mathias Pessiglione.135 In other words, when dopamine is surging through our veins, we become more motivated to take greater risks. Not only does the desire for the reward increase, our fear of loss decreases. Although the group with the higher amounts of dopamine experienced more rewards, they were also disappointed more often, thus not necessarily making out any better than the more cautious group. When we are “doped-up” on dopamine, we are willing to take greater and greater chances for what we perceive as larger prizes. Our brains tell us we can’t lose.
The greater the prize, the greater the dopamine and the greater the risk we’re willing to take. Conversely, if you have doubts about the value of the prize, you produce less dopamine and are less likely to take a risk. That’s why I call a Date: Designating A Time to Evaluate. Each person must decide for him or herself if the reward is worth the risks.
Therefore, for Jennifer to be perceived as the amazing prize she is, she needs to let the man take a few risks to win her. These incremental risks and slow buildup of dopamine are critical for him to fall in love. And when he feels like he won during each task, it gives him that needed boost of testosterone.
Dopamine increases with uncertainty. In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown describes vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure, but she also describes it as the birthplace of love. As you become increasingly more vulnerable while dating, the uncertainty increases, causing more dopamine to be released.
Dating is about incremental increases in vulnerability. A Date: Designating A Time to Evaluate.
I TOTALLY DISAGREE
A few years ago during a nationwide teleconference, I introduced the concept that a man should chase a woman instead of vice versa. As I was explaining the reasons why I believed that a man should make the first move in the courtship process, the male host interrupted me. He said, “I totally disagree with that. I would love for a woman to come up and talk to me. It would make me feel great, and I would probably go out with her.”
After that pronouncement, I began to second-guess this line of thinking and decided to investigate it further. Everything I found pointed back to the concept that men should do the chasing. I kept searching for evidence to support his assertion, but before I could, something else happened: I ran into that host again a few months later at an expo.
“How’s the dating going?” I asked.
“Great,” he said, flashing his ring finger with the wedding band.
“Wait!” I exclaimed. I was in shock. I asked, “You met someone and got married in the last few months since our teleseminar?”
He laughed and said, “No, I got back together with my wife.”
That’s when his statement on the teleseminar made sense. He was separated, not divorced, and not really available for a relationship because he obviously wasn’t finished with his marriage. However, while he was separated, he would gladly take advantage of an “easy pickings” opportunity if it presented itself. In other words, if a woman walked up to him, he would date her and probably sleep with her if given the chance, but he was not willing to put much effort into it.
The lack of willingness to invest time and energy is an indication that he was not that interested. He was not willing to take any risks, and he was not willing to be vulnerable. He was willing to go for a quick shot of dopamine with the casual encounter and even enjoy a little Coolidge Effect if possible. But he was not willing to risk doing any work that could result in him building up the necessary level of dopamine to fall in love with a new person. That could affect the love he still had for his wife.
When a guy is not willing to put forth the effort to pursue a woman, it means he’s not willing to risk falling in love.
Therefore, if you’re looking for love, you want the man to pursue. When you make it easy, you might win him for the moment, but if you want him for the long haul, taking the lead may not be the best course of action. In addition to usurping dopamine, you might be triggering the subconscious fear of cuckoldry.
CUCKOLDRY
Cuckoldry is the fear of investing in offspring that are not genetically yours because of a cheating female. It’s a predominant fear of most males in nature. The word “cuckoldry” comes from the cuckoo, a Jamaican parasitic bird. Instead of building its own nest, laying eggs, incubating them, and caring for the hatchlings, the cuckoo simply lays her eggs in another bird’s nest and flies away. The poor parasitized bird now expends its time and resources—often to the detriment of its own offspring—to raise another bird’s brood.
Biologically speaking, this is the ultimate crime. The unfortunate, innocent bird is participating in its own potential extinction. Therefore, the fear of cuckoldry, or the fear of raising someone else’s offspring to the detriment of your own, is a major concern for species that have internal fertilization. In other words, where there is any potential doubt of paternity, the fear of cuckoldry is prevalent.
Surprisingly, the fear of cuckoldry is prevalent even in nonmonogamous species that don’t have any expectation of fidelity. The main risk is that the male will lose his reproductive investment—the time in courtship, the nest he built, or the food and care he provided. As with other fears of this type, it’s not in the realm of consciousness. He’s just wired this way.
If the fear of cuckoldry is provoked in a man, he usually can’t articulate what he’s feeling. Often he’ll simply say something like, “I just didn’t feel it with her,” or “I don’t know, there was just something about her that rubbed me the wrong way.” Something caused him to feel he couldn’t trust her. Something about her triggered his amygdala to sound the alarm and make a retreat, or at least not a commitment. In other words, some men might not leave physically, just emotionally. He may not pass up the chance at sex, but he’ll pass on commitment.
This is the main reason that relationship experts warn you against talking about your exes on your dates. You can tell someone if you’ve been married before, but leave the gory details for a trusted friend. Unfortunately, the more we like a person, the more tempting it is to reveal it all as a way to expedite intimacy. This tactic can often backfire, eliciting a lot fear quickly and making the pursuit of the relationship too risky.
This is what happened to Paula. She had several first dates but never seemed to get a call back for a second. When we talked about the dates, the reason why the men never called again became quite evident. Paula and her ex were still fighting over the home they own jointly. Although she was the only one living in the house, her ex was there almost on a daily basis. Paula was still wrapped up in the drama of her old relationship, which she freely shared on her dates. She didn’t realize it, but her preoccupation with her old relationship sent a subtle message that she wasn’t ready or believable enough for a new one.
The good news about the fear of cuckoldry is that it can actually be a good thing. The fear of cuckoldry produces innate behaviors referred to as “mate guarding.” In nature, mate guarding is performed by a male to prevent a female from being with another male.
An increase in vasopressin has been linked to aggression toward other males.136 Protectiveness, possessiveness, and jealousy are all hallmarks of mate guarding. When mate guarding shows up, it can indicate a key turning point in a relationship. As Helen Fisher states, “Humans can feel and express sexual desire towards individuals for whom they feel no romantic attraction, but mate guarding is characteristic of romantic love.” 137
When mate-guarding behaviors happen, it can mean that a person has now taken on special meaning. In other words, when a man starts showing mate-guarding activities toward a woman, it means the relationship is officially no longer just sexual but is moving toward love.
ON GUARD
In nature, mate-guarding schemes can range from the simple to the downright disturbing. For example, if your concern is that another male may sneak in and have sex with your partner when you’re not looking, the best way to handle this may be to just keep having sex. That’s what a few amphibians do. Some species of frogs have individual sessions of mating that last for several months. This might not sound like such a big deal, but if you convert the frog’s time frame into a percentage of human life, then you get the real picture. The frog’s lovemaking would be like having a nonstop sex session that lasted almost ten years.138 That gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “long-term commitment,” doesn’t it? “Hey fellas, I got a new girlfriend, I’ll see you next decade.”
But probably the most innovative, and at the same time unsettling, species is the black widow spider. Many people are aware that the male black widow risks being eaten by the female after mating. But few people realize that the male is really the one who gets the last (kind-of-creepy) laugh. Since he’s risking his life to pass on his genes, he makes sure that only his offspring will benefit. Therefore, after sex, he snaps off his own penis inside the female’s body, ensuring that she can’t mate with any other males.139 I believe this may be a little extreme.
Scientists believe that the fear of cuckoldry and the subsequent mate-guarding tactics are universal and instinctual. They are so ingrained that biologists have even referred to some of them as irrational or unfounded. For example, scientists at the University of Liverpool were studying fruit flies. In this particular type of fruit fly, the female only mates once. The male doesn’t have to participate in mate guarding because he knows that the female will be fertilized with his sperm only. Yet researchers still found mate-guarding behavior in the males. In an experiment, scientists placed males in the area of mating couples. When they placed another male in the vicinity, the first male would increase his mating time with the female by 93 percent, even though the risk of the female being fertilized by another male was remote.140
The innate behavior to mate guard can give a man that extra impetus to move past his natural resistance and take the relationship to the next level. After sharing a yachting adventure with a man named Ed, I wasn’t sure if I was going to hear from him again. I wasn’t sure if he was ready for a committed relationship, and I had to accept that. I was dating some other men at the time, but I was starting to like Ed the best.
A few days after our trip, he called for another date. We had a few more dates and he made it obvious that he would like to become sexual, but he remained respectful. A few times, when my resistance was becoming weak, I had to reiterate my previous statement about wanting a mutually exclusive relationship before we became sexual. I think I did this more for myself than for his. I was very attracted to him, and standing by my resolve was becoming tough.
Then one night after we had gone out to dinner, Ed came into my apartment. We had a fun night, laughing and talking, but it was getting late. As he got up to leave, my phone chirped, indicating that I had a text message. I casually picked up the phone and glanced at the message. That’s when Ed said, “Hey, is that a text message from some guy saying good night?”
I tried to act casual, but the red flush of embarrassment on my cheeks gave me away. I didn’t say anything, nor did I have to. It was perfectly acceptable for someone to be saying good night to me because I was not in a committed relationship with anyone . . . yet.
Ed was on his way to love; his vasopressin levels were increasing, kicking in his mate-guarding behaviors. Therefore, when Ed believed another guy might be interloping on his prize, it may have motivated him to make a swifter decision. It didn’t take long after that for Ed to ask me for exclusivity. By asking me to date him singularly, it shut the good-night texting guy down.
When mate guarding shows up, it’s an indicator that he’s beginning to become invested. The relationship is taking on more meaning to him. However, if you don’t see any of this type of behavior, and especially if he’s not willing to chase, it could mean he’s just not that into you.
HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
He’s Just Not That into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, the 2004 number 1 New York Times bestseller, was written by comedian Greg Behrendt and writer Liz Tuccillo. I met Behrendt when he performed at the Fort Lauderdale Improv at the Hard Rock. He explained during his act that he had no intentions of becoming a “relationship guru.” He joked that he simply understood men. He knew that if a man was interested in you, he would move a mountain to get to you, so if he wasn’t willing to pick up a twenty-ounce telephone, chances were pretty good that “he’s just not that into you.”
Behrendt’s caustic logic rips through any illusions like a rusty chainsaw tearing through a cheap romance paperback. With comments such as, “the word ‘busy’ is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes,” and “a man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than tell you that he’s just not that into you.” 141 In other words, if a man is interested in being in a long-term, monogamous relationship with you, he’ll come after you. But if he’s not interested in a long-term monogamous relationship, he’s never going to tell you.
The wisdom in this book is that men are not mysterious. The simple truth is that men like to chase you. As the book says, “I know it’s an infuriating concept—that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you.” 142 If he’s not regularly calling, asking you out, dating, wooing, and seeing you, he’s not chasing you. He may be calling and seeing you sporadically, or texting at 10:00 pm to pop in for the evening, but that’s not chasing.
The most difficult and heartbreaking aspect of this realization is that although your relationship may have started out in full chase, at any point along the way, it can veer off course. Then it’s up to the woman to resist the temptation to lower her standards of a loving relationship and subject herself to behavior she finds painful and/or unacceptable. No man is going to grab you by the shoulders and say, “I’m sorry, but I’m really not interested in falling in love with you, but I’d like to have sex with you.” Or maybe he would.
The boy band One Direction recently put out a song titled Perfect. The song basically tells women, “I’m not going to bring you flowers, take you home to my mother, or be there for you. But if you’d like to have a secret little rendezvous in a hotel room, then I’m your guy.” So I guess there are a few men out there who are honest.
Before you become too upset, it’s not really his fault. The truth is he’s built that way. Falling in love weakens a man, but sex doesn’t. Therefore, he’s likely to take advantage of a low-risk sexual encounter.
To test the theory that men are more likely to take advantage of a low-risk sexual opportunity, Dr. Russell Clark at Florida State University and Dr. Elaine Hatfield at the University of Hawaii joined together to conduct a study. They had both male and female students go on campus and ask students of the opposite sex one question. The question was “Would you go out with me tonight?” The results showed that 50 percent of the men said “yes” and 50 percent of the men said “no.” The women’s results were the same, with 50 percent saying “yes” and 50 percent responding “no.”
They then decided to do a follow-up question. Again, they had both men and women go on campus and ask the opposite sex a question, but this time they changed the question slightly. Now instead of “Would you go out with me tonight?,” they asked “Would you have sex with me tonight?” This slight change in the question resulted in a dramatic change in the answers. In the results of this new round, 100 percent of the women responded “no,” which was not surprising. However, now only 25 percent of the men responded “no.” That is to say, a whopping majority of 75 percent of the men said, “Yes, I’ll have sex with you tonight.” In fact, several men responded with “Why do we have to wait until tonight?” 143 This means that given the chance, 25 percent of the men who wouldn’t put forth the effort to go out with a woman would have sex with her if given the opportunity. When a man is presented with a chance for easy, low-effort sex, it appears that the majority will try and take it—sometimes immediately.
For men, casual sex is a win-win. He gets his needs met without the risk of falling in love. He’s built for casual sex. Remember the Coolidge Effect in the Chapter 5? A man’s dopamine goes up, he pursues, reaches his goal, and then his dopamine goes back down. When his dopamine drops, he loses interest in his pursuit. The Coolidge Effect is why men can come on so strong, pursue you so hard, then one day just disappear.
The biggest problem for some women is that he doesn’t disappear completely. Now that she’s in love, he’s free to return as many times as he wants, often chasing other women in between.
Why Some Men Disappear: The Coolidge Effect can cause a man to vanish after he gets sex. Once the challenge is over, his desire and incentive to pursue disappear unless dopamine increases.
WHY DOESN’T HE JUST SAY HE DOESN’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP?
I often have women ask me, “If he doesn’t want a real relationship, why doesn’t he just tell me?” There are several reasons for this. First, he has no incentive to tell you. If you don’t tell him you’re looking for a relationship, he thinks you’re simply enjoying your time with him. Second, as long as he’s having sex, it’s tough for him to stop. Sexual arousal, especially orgasm, deactivates regions of the prefrontal cortex.144 This is the area where his morals and ethics are housed. Therefore, a woman might believe that he should know he’s stringing her along and feel bad about it. And she would be right, if his brain was fully functional. However, with his morals off-line, he’s simply oblivious and having a good time. In fact, chances are good that if she brings up the topic, he probably hasn’t even thought of it. The problem is that he can’t; that part of his brain is not working that well when she’s around him.
As I was explaining this concept during an interview, the interviewer interrupted me.
“Wait a minute. You mean he doesn’t know I want to be in an exclusive relationship?” she asked.
“He might have an idea. But unless you make it a requirement, he’s probably not going to broach the subject,” I said.
“A requirement?” she asked.
“Yes, something that you need for him to be in a relationship with you. Men understand and actually like requirements. It lets them know what they need to do, and it also reassures them that you have standards,” I said.
“Why are standards important?”
“When you have standards, specific codes of principles, it sends him the message that you can be trusted when he’s not around. This is important, because if he commits to you, in a way, he’s giving up some of his power. He needs to know you aren’t going to abuse it,” I replied.
“Whoa! In that case, I’m going to tell my boyfriend tonight that I want a commitment of exclusiveness,” she said.
“Great,” I said.
“And if he doesn’t give it to me, we’re through,” she added.
“That might not be a good idea,” I said.
“Why not? You said I needed to share my standards,” she said.
“Yes, but there’s a big difference between having standards and giving an ultimatum. He can’t be coerced into this. If he commits under duress, it may not have the same effect on his neurotransmitters. In other words, he’s saying ‘yes’ with his mouth but the rest of him may not be following,” I said.
“Well, then, what should I do?” she asked.
“Are you already sleeping with him?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said.
“Tell him you really want to be in an exclusive relationship and you completely understand if he doesn’t,” I said.
“What if nothing happens?” she asked.
“Give it a couple of weeks and if he doesn’t respond, you can add a time limit to it. Say something like, ‘I would like an answer from you; let me know by the end of the month,’” I suggested.
After a couple of weeks, I checked back with her to see what had happened. She said at first he didn’t say anything; he just looked at her like he had heard her words. The next day and the rest of the week he was rather aloof. She thought for sure he was going to break up with her. She started to feel anxious but reminded herself that she desired to be in an exclusive relationship, and if he wasn’t interested, then she’d rather break up.
After about a week, he said he would like to be exclusive, if she would. His hesitation was to be expected. This is a big decision for a man to make. In fact, if he doesn’t struggle, you should be leery. Men should be afraid to fall in love.
WHO’S AFRAID OF LOVE?
The idea that men might be afraid of love is completely foreign to most women. Men are bigger and stronger. The average man usually outweighs a woman, even doubling her numbers on the scale. Women view men as protectors and soldiers. Men kill the scary spiders and venomous snakes. They get up in the middle of the night and move in the direction of that menacing noise.
If a woman breaks down on the side of the road, she doesn’t call a girlfriend, she calls a man. Her French-tip-manicured girlfriend in Jimmy Choo shoes is no match for those air-wrenched lug nuts. This is a moment when only an unshaven, greasy-handed man with the name “Earl” scribed on his chest will do.
A woman looks at a man and can’t conceive what could possibly scare him. Even the thought of someone pulling a gun on our hero can produce images of Clint Eastwood–like defiance, as she imagines him squinting and growling, “Make my day.” Therefore, the idea that this behemoth, this pillar of strength and fortitude, would fear something as sweet and innocent as love is mind-boggling. How could Superman be afraid of a little love?
But he is. Love is his kryptonite. Love is the only thing that can take him from his mighty station in his Fortress of Solitude all the way down to his knees. To a woman, love gives safety and security. When a man loves her, she has a worker, a partner, and a protector. Because of that, to a woman, love is empowering.
But to a man, love can be crippling, something he both desperately wants and deeply fears at the same time. Why would a man, a symbol of strength, be afraid of something so wonderful and inoffensive as love?
The moment a man gives in to the idea of love—not sex—but actually gives in to the idea of falling in love with someone, he begins to lose his power and strength.
His mighty mojo juice of male potency—testosterone—begins to take a nosedive. When he thinks of those three little words, “I love you,” it’s as if an air raid siren goes off in his head, followed by the sound of a plane spinning out of control. His manufacturer of muscle mass begins to dry up. He becomes a spinachless Popeye.
It’s during this time that a man will hesitate and pull back, even if he’s been coming on strong for a long time. Men are naturally reluctant to fall in love. In fact, if he doesn’t hesitate, you should be worried. In a study that looked at online love scams, researchers found that “once contact is made, things get intense fast . . . at a very early stage the scammer declares their love for the victim.” 145 Does this mean that when he says he loves you, it’s a lie? Not at all. But if he wants to vow his undying commitment before the first kiss, you might want to be concerned.
Because of his drop in testosterone, a man should have a natural hesitation to falling in love.
If he believes he’s ready for that drop in testosterone, he’ll come back stronger. However, if he still has things to do in his life, such as finish school, find the job he wants, or reach a level in his personal or professional career, he may not come back . . . yet.
The man who’s trying to achieve something in his life still needs the strength, stamina, and vitality that his testosterone gives him. He may still want to be with you, but he may not be able to give you the type of commitment that you want at the moment. If it’s simply a commitment for exclusivity, some may take the gamble. But if you want marriage and children, he may grapple with “taking the plunge” (as in his testosterone). Of course, this doesn’t always mean never; it just means not now.
This time period can be complicated by what’s happening with the woman. As she’s getting to know a man, her oxytocin level rises. Instead of becoming leery like a man, oxytocin puts duct tape over her amygdala’s mouth. She can’t see anything wrong. Life is wonderful and ripe for falling in love. If a man starts to pull back, this can cause her to panic.
Her distress is compounded by the fact that a component of his sweat, androstenedione, a component of testosterone, is causing her cortisol levels to rise.146 When he pulls back, her oxytocin levels can drop, ripping the duct tape off the mouth of her amygdala. Combine this with her higher stress hormone levels, and she can become a nervous wreck. It’s as if she’s waltzing across the dance floor of life and someone suddenly stops the music. She’s left standing there, bewildered and disappointed, like someone left without a seat in musical chairs. She’s desperate to get the music playing again, hoping that when it does, all will be well.
It’s during this time when a woman may try to tempt or even chase after her man. Sometimes, in her desire to restart the music, she may compromise her own principles. Instead of waiting for that commitment of exclusivity, she may tell herself, “This is close enough.” Or, “I want to be with him, so let’s have sex and see where it goes.” The wait time can simply create too much anxiety for her to bear. But compromising her integrity during this time can be a huge mistake.
It’s natural for a man to hesitate before committing.
While working on this book, I reconnected with Susanne, an old high school friend, on Facebook. We were chatting via text-messaging when she asked, “What are you working on now?” I wrote back and said, “I’m working on a new book about the science of love. Right now, I’m looking at the biological significance of the advice of dating books, such as The Rules.” Her response to that was almost eerie. She didn’t respond for a minute or two, and when she finally wrote back, all her message said was “Call me,” with her number.
I called and asked, “What’s wrong?”
“I did The Rules,” she quickly confessed.
“Really?”
“Yes, I did the The Rules on Mark,” she whispered.
“You’ve been married for seven years. Why are you whispering?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” she laughed.
“So tell me what happened.”
“Well, Mark and I were dating causally, but I wanted to get married again. The girls were young and I wanted someone who wanted to be a husband and a father, not just my boyfriend. I told him I wanted more of a commitment.”
“So is that when he asked you to marry him?” I asked.
“No,” she said. “Nothing happened.”
“Since we didn’t seem to be moving forward, I decided to make myself less available. I stopped going to his house, stopped making myself available for dates on short notice, stopped calling him, and even stopped returning some of his calls. At first I was nervous, but then one day as I was leaving for work, I found a note on my car from Mark. He lives about thirty minutes away, so he had to put some effort into this. After a while, I was getting notes all the time. He even left them in plastic zipper bags so they wouldn’t get wet in the rain or snow. He began asking me out on dates well in advance, and when I wasn’t with him, I stayed busy away from home, since I knew he was coming by. After a few months of dating like this, he popped the question. We’ve been happily married for more than seven years.”
What Susanne experienced was Mark’s internal struggle. When she pulled away, he felt the loss, but was the loss of the relationship greater than the loss of his testosterone? That’s the question he needed to figure out on his own before he could make a commitment. Susanne was smart not to put pressure on Mark. She simply stated what she wanted, and when he didn’t step up to give it to her, she slowly began to see him less and less. If he decided not to take the relationship to the next level, Susanne was fully prepared to move on. This is the key. She didn’t spout unsupported ultimatums. She knew what she wanted and she knew her worth. She knew she was the prize and had decided that for Mark to “win” her, he needed to propose marriage.
At this point, Mark had to reevaluate the relationship. Remember what a date is: designating a time to evaluate. He had discovered what a relationship with Susanne would be like. Now he needed to figure out if the gain of the relationship was worth the losses of his freedom.
Since the two had already been in a relationship for a while, a new factor entered into his evaluation. Researchers at the University of California found that people are more sensitive to the possibility of losing something than they are to the possibility of gaining something.147 In other words, the possibility of gaining a marriage was less of a motivator to Mark than the possibility of losing the prize.
Susanne let him decide on his own. She was firm but gentle. You can’t make a man fall in love with you by forcing a commitment. He has to freely choose. In fact, if Susanne had been aggressive about it, he might have walked away. An aggressive stance on her part could make Mark feel that a commitment was too risky. When he commits, his dropping testosterone will naturally make him more passive, therefore aggression on her part could make that vulnerability feel too dangerous.
She was falling in love and wanted him to join her. Here’s a critical point: Let him debate on his own. Don’t pester him, compromise your beliefs, or chase after him. And most of all, don’t worry. As a woman falls in love and her oxytocin level rises, it increases trust. He’s looking for signs that you trust him.
Susanne had already been in a relationship, so when she decided that she was looking for marriage and not just a boyfriend, she had to pull back, which can be tough. Because of all the hormonal changes that are going on during dating, it’s hard to put the brakes on and draw a line about the level of intimacy you’re prepared to engage in. Many dating experts tell you to wait to have sex, but one of the biggest debates is how long you should wait. Let’s explore this further.
THE NINETY-DAY RULE
As I discussed in Chapter 5, delaying sex helps a man fall in love. In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, author Steve Harvey’s signature advice is something he calls “the Ninety-Day Rule,” which involves dating and getting to know someone without having sex for ninety days.
As we’ve learned earlier in the book, for a man to fall in love, he must build up a higher level of vasopressin over time, meaning he has to get repeatedly aroused without climaxing. The exact time it takes will vary from man to man. Harvey’s rationale for waiting ninety days to give “the cookie” (his cute euphemism for “the nookie”) isn’t based on extensive scientific research or psychological studies; instead, his justification for waiting ninety days follows the business model of Ford Motor Company. I hope it goes without saying that Ford Motor Company doesn’t provide sex; however, it does provide benefits to its employees after a ninety-day probationary period. Harvey says, “Ford’s policy was that you had to work at least ninety days before they’d cover your health insurance; this was the plant management saying to me, we will provide you benefits after you have proven to me you are worthy—work hard, show up on time, follow your supervisor’s orders, and get along with your co-workers for ninety days, and then you can get dental and medical coverage.”
In a similar fashion, Harvey recommends that a woman wait to give up the cookie until a man proves himself worthy to her. In fact, Harvey says, “If you’re giving your benefits to a guy who’s only been on the job for a week or two, you’re making a mistake.” It turns out that this is not only wise advice but also biologically sound advice. How long does it take for a man to build up the neurotransmitters to fall in love? A study published in Cross-Cultural Research found it takes American men from two months to a year to fall in love.148 Therefore, the ninety-day rule covers the minimum time period while providing a safety buffer.
The longer a man waits to have sex with a woman he’s sexually attracted to, the more likely he’ll fall in love with her.
A man doesn’t fall into the grips of true love overnight. Yes, he may fall in “love” with the physicality of the yummy eye candy standing in front of him, but true love—the “I want to be with you and only you” kind—takes time. If a man is only interested in the dopamine effect, he’ll most likely become uncomfortable before the ninety days have passed and wander off in search of a piece of eye candy whose requirements are not so high.
There might be another important reason to wait to have sex if you’re looking for love. Researchers at Florida State University found that just because oxytocin or vasopressin is present doesn’t mean the receptors are there. Without the receptors, the neurotransmitter can’t produce its effect. Your body produces the receptors once the neurotransmitter is present. In a process called epigenesis, your body basically builds receptors based on need. Therefore, as the levels of vasopressin and oxytocin rise, your body sends out the alert to create new receptors, which are then filled by the neurotransmitter. This, of course, takes some time.149
I’ve mentioned over and over again that a man is resistant to falling in love. To some women, this idea is just crazy. But it’s not. The real craziness starts when he actually lets go and falls in love.