Chapter Ten

Horrible silence and ominous noises

There was a horrible silence on the bridge of the Toxic Spew.

It was broken by some truly loud and ominous noises coming from the back of the ship. But without a reversing camera, or any wing mirrors, it was impossible for the crew to see what was happening.

Fortunately, the computer was able to give them a running commentary.

Unfortunately, it was gobthumpingly tactless.

‘Oh, whoops!’ it said brightly. ‘The rear subatomic tow bar has torn clean off its base!’

RIIIIP!

‘Oh! And there goes the rubber counter gravity bumper as well.’

GRAAUUNCH!

‘And the reactor-driven heat shield.’

KERRRANNNNNG!

‘And the back booster ramscoop plate! Oh, what a shame, it was all going so well. You must be gutted.’ It bleeped off smugly.

Three horrified purple faces turned slowly to look at Harvey.

‘Fluttering chunder!’ spluttered Scrummage.

‘Oh dear,’ said Gizmo.

‘Well, Captain,’ said Maxie. ‘What are we going to do now?’

‘We’re all going to die!’

But before Harvey had time to even think up a plan of action,

SCHWOOOOOOSH!

the doors to the bridge slid open and Yargal wobbled onto the bridge, with Snuffles faithfully following her. Her slug-like body shook violently and her six blue tentacles and yellow eye-stalks flailed about wildly in panic. Flecks of grey snot speckled the deck as she sobbed in fear.

‘Captain, CAPTAIN!’ she cried, flinging herself at him. ‘Save us. Save us! There was a horrible grating noise and the whole ship started juddering and then there was this huge KERRRR-UNCH! And then a RIIIIP! and a GRAAUUNCH! And then a massive KERRRANNNNNG! And I don’t like to panic you, but I think we’re all going to die!’

At this, Snuffles promptly plonked himself down the deck and howled.

AROOOO, AROUOUOU, AROOO, AROUOUOU!

went Snuffles loudly.

WAIL, SOB, SOB SNOT, SOB, SNOT, WAIL!

wept Yargal, even more loudly.

It was chaos. Harvey couldn’t hear himself think.

‘Quiet, Snuffles, QUIET! Down boy, DOWN!’ ordered Harvey, gently patting him on the head, and eventually the huge Hazard Hunting Hound sank to the deck at Harvey’s feet whimpering softly.

WHINGE, WHINGE! WHIMPER, WHIMPER!

SupaCool captain

‘Calm down, Officer Yargal,’ said Harvey reassuringly. He wanted to pat her on the tentacle to sooth her jangling nerves, but she really was disgustingly slimy. ‘We’ve just lost a few  …  er  …  bits and pieces off the back of the ship. Nothing to worry about.’

The crew were well impressed. No, make that gobstoppered. In all their multiple intergalactic missions they had never seen a captain take so much disaster so calmly.

At this point the back booster ramscoop plate and the rubber counter gravity bumper drifted across the front vision screen. But Harvey just ignored them.

From the flight desk, Maxie grinned at Harvey. ‘That’s the spirit, Captain,’ she said. ‘So again, what are we going to do?’

‘If I were Captain  … ’ said Gizmo.

‘Well, you’re not,’ interrupted Scrummage. ‘And since I’m the Chief Rubbish Officer, it’s my decision. I say we just transport onto the cargo container, grab the Techno-tium, come back and leave the container to drift harmlessly in space.’

‘Sounds good to me,’ said Maxie.

But Gizmo was outraged. ‘We’re not pirates!’ he spluttered. ‘And since you’re the chief Bin Man  … ’

‘Chief Rubbish Officer!’ snapped Scrummage.

Gizmo ignored him and carried on sternly. ‘Then I shouldn’t have to remind you of the Intergalactic Travel and Transport Pact rules and regulations regarding rubbish retrieval. Captain, what Scrummage is suggesting is highly irregular, irresponsible and downright illegal.’

(To be fair to Gizmo, I should point out that he’s absolutely right.

Nothing the size of a SupaCosmicCargo Company container can just ‘drift harmlessly’ in space.

It‘s far more likely to ‘drift’ onto a SuperSpaceWay in the rush hour or into a pangalactic tourist cruiser carrying hundreds of beings to popular holiday planets all over Galaxy 43b.

Ouch, that would be messy.)

‘Oh, Captain,’ cried Yargal, her tentacles writhing anxiously. ‘What are we going to do?’

‘Yes, Captain,’ said Maxie, her bright turquoise eyes challenging him from beneath her long straight fringe, and her elbows on the flight desk. ‘Yet again, what are we going to do?’