Chapter Nineteen

Bling Bots!

Trying to control his trembling fingers, Officer Gizmo clicked to accept the ship-to-ship SpaceTime connection. An image appeared on the front vision screen – it took up almost the entire screen.

A hideously ugly alien stared silently, and threateningly at Harvey.

Harvey flinched inwardly but forced himself not to react. But Snuffles shot to his feet with his hackles up. He bared his teeth and snarled furiously. Dribbles of drool dripped onto the deck.

DROOL! DRIBBLE! DROOL!

(If you have a weak stomach, or if you’ve just eaten, you might want to give this next bit a miss.)

Bling Bots are half robot and half space worm. They look like metal beetles with a sweaty, bare grey brain stuck on top, protected by unbreakable clear plasti-glass space helmets.

Their brains have a large bloodshot eye slapped in the middle and a thin cruel mouth underneath. Bristling with weapons, they are completely indestructible.

They’re also covered with tacky and utterly tasteless studded jewellery and layers of looped gold chains. Ghastly.

(You might think they want to hide their ugliness by piling on the bling. But then you’re not from Galaxy 43b, are you?

They actually want to dazzle their victims by piling on the bling, like the hypnotic eyes of a deadly snake, before they kill them.)

Cosmic cool Captain

The hideously ugly alien still stared silently and threateningly at Harvey. So Harvey coolly stared back. Two could play at that game.

The Bling Bot broke first. ‘Hand over the Techno-tium, or we’ll blow up your ship,’ he growled, his thin lips moving like an open gash in his brain.

Snuffles growled threateningly, his hackles still raised. His huge slobbery lip lifted in a ferocious snarl.

‘Down, Snuffles,’ ordered Harvey. ‘Down and settle.’ Reluctantly, and still snarling, the huge Hazard Hunting Hound lay on the deck, protecting Harvey.

Boldly, Harvey carried on: ‘What Techno-tium? I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ he bluffed.

‘We know you’ve got it. We’ve been following you since you took it off the SupaCosmicCargo Delivery Company ship. So give it to us or else  … ’ grimaced the Bling Bot. He paused for effect and menacingly clacked his sharp claws with their glittery fake gems. ‘Or else we’ll blow you and your puny little garbage ship into a gazillion nanocrumbs and plaster you across the entire galaxy.’

Harvey didn’t flinch. But he could sense fear creeping round the command bridge and into the crew.

Cosmic clever Captain

Well, Bling Bots might have massive brains, but they not very bright, thought Harvey. So with gobsmacking bravery and brilliant logic, he simply said: ‘Is that a good plan?’

‘Er  …  yes,’ said the Bling Bot, slightly thrown. He’d used his best usual opening threat and it always worked in the past.

‘I don’t think so,’ said Harvey calmly. ‘Look, we don’t actually have any Techno-tium. But just for fun, let’s pretend that we do. OK?’

‘Er  …  yes,’ said the Bling Bot, now more than just slightly thrown. His single eye blinked rapidly as if he was struggling to follow Harvey’s argument.

‘Think about it,’ continued Harvey. ‘If you blow the Toxic Spew into a gazillion nanocrumbs and plaster it across the entire galaxy, then wouldn’t you find it a bit difficult to sweep up all the gazillion teeny tiny bits of Techno-tium afterwards?’

‘Er  …  yes,’ said the Bling Bot. Who obviously hadn’t thought of that. And his massive brain flushed pale pink with embarrassment.

‘Well, er  … ’ he said, his single eye blinking furiously, and sweat breaking out on his brain. ‘In that case, you have thirty seconds to hand it over, or we’ll smash your shields and board your ship. Then we’ll kill you all slowly and painfully and then help ourselves to the Techno-tium. Thirty seconds,’ he snarled and bleeped off.

Thirty seconds  …  and counting!

‘Grrrr,’ growled Snuffles from Harvey’s feet.

‘What are we going to do?’ cried Scrummage.

Harvey was aware of three terrified purple faces with six turquoise eyes staring at him. Yargal was stirring, so to give himself some thinking time, Harvey went over to help haul her up onto her single slimy foot. Oh, yuk, he thought, grasping a couple of her slippery tentacles. She really is disgusting to touch with your bare hands.

‘Captain, we have less than thirty seconds. What are we going to do?’ said Maxie urgently.

There was a beat and then Harvey said, ‘Hand over the Techno-tium. It’s not worth dying for.’

‘Noooo!’ cried Scrummage. And I mean ‘cried’. Like a baby. Tears rolled down his fat cheeks at the thought of just handing over such a valuable cargo.

‘Yes!’ said Gizmo.

‘No!’ snapped Maxie. ‘Fine captain you’re turning out to be. There’s no point in just handing it over – they’ll kill us anyway. Bling Bots never, ever let anyone go. They’d never live it down. They’ll tear us limb from limb, gouge out our eyes, slit our throats, rip out our gizzards and poison our pizza.’

‘Oh, Captain,’ sobbed Yargal. ‘I don’t want to be torn limb from limb, and have my eyes gouged out, my throat slit, my gizzards ripped out and my pizza poisoned!’

‘Neither do I,’ said Harvey. ‘Computer, can we outrun them?’

‘Nope.’

‘Can we outmanoeuvre them?’

‘Nope.’

‘Can we outshoot them?’

‘Nope.’

‘Well, what can we do?’

‘You have two options,’ it said cheerfully. ‘You can keep the cargo and be killed. Or you can hand over the cargo and be killed.

‘But you have at least ten seconds left to pack in some last-minute fun  …  so go on, let your hair down and party!’