‘We’re all going to die!’ screamed Yargal, who was pretty sure about the fact.
‘We’re trapped!’ cried Gizmo.
‘Flickering chunder!’ spluttered Scrummage.
‘Fine captain you’re turning out to be!’ exclaimed Maxie.
Yargal burst into tears. Strings of snotty grey slime snorted out of her like grubby molten mozzarella.
Harvey slumped in the captain’s chair on the dimly lit command bridge in utter despair. He’d made a real blunder. A horrible, horrible blunder.
And now his entire crew were going to die.
And so was he.
Up until now he’d always thought that one day, the crew would be able to get him home. And to the exact moment in time that he’d left, so his mum and dad wouldn’t even know he’d been away. But now he wasn’t going to get home – at all. Ever. His mum and dad would be gutted.
And then he realised the crew probably all had family too. And friends. And they’d all be gutted too if any, or more probably, all of the crew died. He put his head in his hands, horrified at the full impact of what he’d done.
Just in case he hadn’t got his head around who was to blame, the crew instantly launched into a quick-fire game of ‘It’s all your fault!’.
(I’m not sure if you play this on Earth, so I’ll explain the rules.
It’s a ruthless, no-holds-barred shouting game and the aim is to find as many different ways as possible to tell someone: ‘It’s all your fault’.
The winner is the one who finally makes the victim either storm off in a huff or break down and cry.
It’s also known as ‘Kick ’em when they’re down.’)
It doesn’t really matter who said what but the first round went something like this:
‘You sent us into a trap, why? WHY?’
‘What were you thinking?’
‘I’m too young to die!’
‘Just how stupid are you?’
‘How were we supposed to get out?’
‘You’re the worst captain we’ve ever had!’
‘We’re all going to die, and it’s all your fault!’
The painful and continual barrage only stopped when the ship-to-ship SpaceTime icon on the engineering desk blipped insistently.
Without waiting for Harvey’s command, Gizmo ordered the computer to restore power. Then he clicked to accept the connection. And the image of the horribly ugly and now horribly smug Bling Bot filled the vision screen again.
Snuffles’ hackles rose and his slathering lips twitched into a silent snarl showing his shark-like teeth.
‘Captain,’ growled the Bling Bot. ‘You’re pinned down and you’ve got no options. So hand over the Techno-tium like a good boy, and we’ll kill you quickly and painlessly … rather than slowly and agonisingly.’ His thin mouth twisted into a grimace that was meant to be a smile.
A low growl rumbled up from deep inside the belly of the huge Hazard Hunting Hound.
‘Quiet, Snuffles,’ said Harvey softly and sighed. He didn’t seem to have any options. He could feel three pairs of bright turquoise eyes, and three yellow googly ones, staring at him in despair. They’d lost. The Toxic Spew and her plucky little Bin Men were defeated. Defeated and doomed.
They think it’s all over, he thought miserably, and it probably is. But then suddenly, in the back of his mind he heard the All Stars coach saying what he always said when the match was going badly: ‘It’s not over, ’til it’s over.’
(I hope this means more to you than it does to me.
Frankly, I’m hoping it means more to Harvey too.)
Harvey pulled himself together. This is a classic coaching moment, he told himself. If you’re outclassed by the other team, you don’t panic. You tighten your defence, look for every chance, and make your opponents work for every ball.
So Harvey looked the Bling Bot square in the eye (he only had the one, of course) and said boldly: ‘If you want it, come and get it.’
GASP, GASP, GASP!
A wave of loud panic-stricken gasps echoed round the command bridge, but Harvey ignored them. He’d had an inspired idea.
‘We will lower our shields and you can transport directly into the cargo hold,’ he said. ‘Shields down, Officer Gizmo, and cut the ship-to-ship SpaceTime link.’
‘What?’ Cried Gizmo.
‘Shields down! And that’s an order,’ barked Harvey, and Gizmo obeyed.
(I hate to interrupt at this thrilling moment, but is it me, or is he utterly bonkers?
I mean, I know he’s from Earth and doesn’t have that much experience of ruthless space pirates. But surely even he can grasp that there is nothing worse than a cargo hold full of brutally vicious Bling Bots.)
There was a horrified silence on the bridge of the Toxic Spew as the brave Bin Men realised that there was now absolutely nothing standing between them and a bunch of brutally vicious Bling Bots.
The silence was broken by Scrummage. ‘Fluttering upchuck, Captain,’ he said quietly. ‘What have you done?’