Chapter Twenty-four

No chance

‘It’s hopeless,’ puffed Scrummage as Harvey helped haul him to his feet.

‘We’re outnumbered and outgunned,’ wheezed Gizmo bent over double.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

P’TOING! P’TOING!

The Bling Bots relentlessly continued pounding the cargo doors.

‘Our weapons are rubbish!’ panted Maxie.

‘No they’re not!’ snapped Gizmo, who was responsible for supplying all the kit on the ship.

Harvey held up his AstroForce blaster crossbow. ‘Be honest, Gizmo. This is a water pistol, isn’t it?’

‘Er  …  yes.’

‘Oh, for crying out loud!’ said Maxie.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

P’TOING! P’TOING!

went the Bling Bots’ guns.

CRUMPLE, BUCKLE, BUCKLE!

went the doors.

‘We have to penetrate their defence,’ said Harvey. ‘Find their weak spot’.

‘But they don’t have one,’ said Maxie.

‘We need something that can rupture their metal exoskeletons and fuse their intricate robotic inner parts,’ said Gizmo.

‘Huh?’ said Scrummage.

‘We need something that can get through their metal bodies and gum up their works,’ explained Harvey.

P’TOING! P’TOING!

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

went the Bling Bots’ guns – again.

BUCKLE, BUCKLE!

CRUMBLE, CRUMBLE, RIIIP!

went the doors.

Extra mozzarella!

Suddenly Harvey snatched up his water pistol, er  …  I mean his AstroForce blaster crossbow and pelted off along the corridor. ‘Grab your weapons! Follow me.’

‘Is this a tactical withdrawal?’ panted Gizmo as they pelted along.

‘No, I’ve had an idea.’

Harvey led the crew along the grimy, dimly lit corridors of the Toxic Spew to the galley. Their feet squelching softly at every sticky step.

Yargal had barricaded herself and Snuffles behind a heap of old pizza boxes in the galley doorway, and it took a few moments to break in. Snuffles barked and scrabbled furiously and they could hear Yargal whimpering.

AROOOO, AROOOO, AROOOO!

WHIMPER, WHIMPER!

‘Don’t panic, it’s us,’ cried Harvey. Then while everyone hurled empty pizza boxes out of the way he astonished them by yelling: ‘Yargal, heat up a couple of buckets of your molten mozzarella and bright green glow-in the-dark extra hot spicy rocket fuel sauce.’

Yargal was utterly confused. ‘Er  …  yes, sir, if you say so, sir,’ she said, then added, ‘Um, do you want anything with that?’

‘Yup – extra mozzarella!’

Meanwhile, back outside the cargo hold  … 

ZAP-A-ZAP-A-ZAP!

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

RIIIIIP! KERRRRANG!

The massive solid metal doors couldn’t take any more. They burst open and the Bling Bots stormed through.

Melting mozzarella!

In the galley the crew waited feverishly for the mozzarella to melt into the rocket fuel sauce.

‘Hurry up,’ said Scrummage to Yargal, who was frantically stirring the sauce with all of her six tentacles at the same time.

‘I’m going as fast as I can,’ she whimpered.

Bleep, blibble bleep, the computer’s voice broke the tension. ‘I hate to interrupt the pizza party,’ it said. ‘But I thought you might like to know that the cargo doors have given way and the Bling Bots are happily playing hide-and-seek. They’re the seekers and they’re looking for you.

‘But don’t worry, they’re quite cold. They’re searching the bridge. So there’s every chance you’ll get to have at least a couple of bites of pizza before they track you down and kill you. Enjoy your pizza!’ it said cheerily, and bleeped off.

‘It’s nearly ready,’ cried Yargal, frantically beating the sauce.

‘We’ll take it as it is,’ ordered Harvey.

Rocket fuel sauce

Feverishly the crew filled their weapons.

Harvey’s AstroForce blaster crossbow and Gizmo’s NovaBazuka Mark 3 loaded quickly and easily. Scrummage’s huge Jellyfier bomb launcher was slower, but it took litres of the stuff.

They couldn’t find a way to pour it into Maxie’s Meteor-Storm pellet gun without it trickling out again. So Yargal offered her some sugar-coated cupcake silver balls instead.

‘Anything’s better than nothing,’ said Maxie bravely.

‘What are we going to do if it doesn’t work?’ said Scrummage, shouldering the huge Jellyfier launcher.

‘It will,’ snapped Maxie, loading her Meteor-Storm pellet gun with silver cupcake sugar balls.

‘Harvey’s got us through stacks of deadly dangerous situations. Like poisonous killer maggots, a multiple spacecraft pile-up, and exploding garbage. And I bet before he joined us, he probably faced all sorts of other dire and dreadful challenges and he obviously coped with them or he wouldn’t be here now,’ she said. ‘I trust him.’

Harvey was about to remind her that it was his fault they were trapped with the Bling Bots in the first place. But the computer chipped in.

‘Oohhh, they’re getting much warmer now  …  in fact they’re almost getting hot!’

Gizmo turned to Scrummage. ‘Maxie’s right. Captain Harvey is brilliant! And may I also remind you just how much damage the smallest mini, micro, milli-atom of molten mozzarella can do!’

‘And you’ve no idea how much damage Yargal’s bright green glow-in-the-dark extra hot spicy rocket fuel sauce can do either!’ said Harvey. ‘No offence, Yargal,’ he added.

But Yargal was much too terrified to care. She trembled violently from the tips of her yellow googly eyes to the ends of her blue tentacles.

Hold your fire!

They could hear the metal feet of the Bling Bots clanking up the corridors and closing in on them.

‘Snuffles, look after Yargal,’ ordered Harvey. The huge Hazard Hunting Hound put his enormous shaggy body in front of Yargal, hackles raised, teeth bared, saliva drooling into pools on the floor, snarling and growling ferociously.

‘Good boy,’ said Harvey.

‘Ooooh, they’re getting hotter! Hotter, hotter, hotter! Yup, they’ve found you!’ cried the computer gaily as the clank of robotic feet got nearer and nearer.

‘Computer, SHUT UP!’ barked Harvey.

‘Oh, sorreee, I was only trying to add a little party spirit.’

The Bling Bots were just outside the galley door.

‘Take up positions and standby,’ cried Harvey. The crew levelled their guns at the galley doorway. ‘Hold your fire. Steady, steady  …  wait for my command.

‘They think it’s all over  … ’ muttered Harvey to himself through clenched teeth, and as the galley door flung open and the Bling Bots stormed in he added, ‘it is now!’

‘FIRE!’ he yelled.

And the brave but grubby Bin Men let rip with all guns blazing, or rather squirting.

SQUIIIIIIIRT! SPLAT!

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

SQUIIIIIIIRT, SPLAT! SPLATTER, SPLAT!

ZAP-A-ZAP-A-ZAP!

P’TOING! P’TOING!

SQUIIIIIIIRT, SPLATTER, SPLATTER, SQUIIIIIIIRT, SPLAT!

Then suddenly,

BZZZZ BZZ BZZZZZZ!

There was a wonderful buzzing sound –

BZZZZ TZZCHHER ZTTZZZZ BZZ!

exactly as if some electrical wires were touching each other when they shouldn’t be, and the Bling Bots stopped shooting. Their huge single eyes rolled shut in their brains, and their robotic bodies clunked and wound down, like remote control toys when the batteries die.

It was all over.

The Bling Bots didn’t stand a chance against Yargal’s molten mozzarella and bright green glow-in the-dark extra hot spicy rocket fuel sauce.

(But then, hey, who does?)