Kevin Pierce studied the wretched image of a man staring back at him. The forlorn creature with sagging eyes—eyes that had once guided skilled hands through hundreds of incisions, sutures and surgical procedures—were now rimmed with red. And the once upright body that stood countless hours over a surgical table and greeted patients with God-like confidence now sat hunched over on the edge of the bed in a moment of quiet desperation. Kevin searched desperately for some sign of hope, any excuse, no matter how trivial, that would give him hope for a better life. But all he could hear was Stephanie’s voice of reason piercing through the noise of confusion, like a foghorn on a stormy night.
“With God at the center of our healing, we can free ourselves from the past and help each other get better.”
Her words echoed inside his head. Could they really help each other get better with God at the center of their healing? Why had God remained silent during his early fervent cries for help, waiting until now to rescue him from the bondage of depression? The questions haunted his mind like a medical mystery until he detected a small voice speaking to his subconsciousness. A whisper of hope reassuring him that God was going to use his life to bless others. Was it the Holy Spirit speaking to him?
Kevin had come to Mendocino to escape his problems in LA. To reflect on how to deal with his pain. But now it had all changed when Stephanie had come barging into it.
The woman had appeared out of nowhere during his weakest hour, just when he had lost all hope. Was her visit a chance of fate or really a message of hope from the Lord? Kevin was beginning to think it was the latter. How else could the woman have timed her visit so precisely? But why would God answer his pleas at the very last minute? Could it have been that Stephanie wasn’t ready to cross paths with his life?
Kevin heaved a heavy sigh of confusion. Stephanie wasn’t like any other woman he had met. There was an inner strength, a gentle spirit, and a calm patience that only a woman who walked closely with God could exhibit. She seemed to embody the virtues of a woman after his own heart, a woman for whom he had been searching for a long time. But at this point in his life, a relationship was the farthest thing from his mind. His life was nothing but a hurricane of emotions.
Maybe Stephanie was right. Maybe together they could help each other get back on the narrow path, a path he had forsaken after Rachel’s death. He felt bad for dismissing her offer of friendship. He still struggled to control the pessimistic attitude that had invaded his life. The woman had offered him an opportunity to go back to church, to renew his relationship with the Lord. Could he do that? Was he willing to give God another chance?
After what seemed like hours of wrestling with indecision, Kevin finally surrendered his will to God and broke down into tears. If God could help sustain Stephanie through her darkest hour, then surely there was a way God could use her to help him. Even though he didn’t want to admit it, he had enjoyed her surprise visit and felt drawn to her contagious enthusiasm. Maybe there was a part of her that held the magic key to his healing, something he couldn’t detect on the outside. He didn’t know what it could be, but he was willing to give it a chance.
Stephanie had offered a listening ear anytime he needed someone to talk to, and that moment was now. He reached with nervous apprehension for his cell phone and hesitated before dialing. What would he say to her? Could he reveal the secrets about his darkest hour? Would she still be understanding or would she think he was crazy? Kevin decided she seemed like someone he could trust and without further thought, he pressed the button.
The phone rang several times before a calm voice greeted him.
“Hi Stephanie, it’s Kevin.” His voice began to waver.
“Wow, you actually called. I mean, I’m so glad you called.” He could picture her soft smile on the other end of the call.
“Sorry for bothering you, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and . . . would you mind if I took you up on your offer to talk? I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind meeting me over a cup of coffee. I’ve had so much on my mind, and I really need someone to talk to.”
“Of course, Kevin. Like I said, I’m here when you need me. Where would you like to meet?”
“I’m not that familiar with Mendocino yet, so why don’t you decide?”
“There’s a quiet coffee shop downtown we can meet at. It’s called Moe’s. I’ll meet you there in say thirty minutes?”
“That would be fine. I’ll be there.” Kevin felt a heavy weight lift from his shoulders as he hung up the phone. For the first time in weeks, he could feel the tightness in his chest begin to fade, and a spark of hope take flame in his heart. Though it seemed too early to tell, he had a good feeling about the woman, and he hoped that over time, God would reveal His plan for both their lives.
Moe’s was a quaint little coffee shop in a weathered white storefront building located at the south end of downtown Mendocino. It was known for serving a tasteful blend of organic coffees and offered a large selection of delectable pastries and desserts. A bitter, yet invitingly warm smell greeted his senses, making his taste buds ache for the smooth cappuccino he missed in LA. He placed an order for his favorite cup of java before searching for a secluded place where he and Stephanie could talk without the locals eavesdropping on their conversation. He navigated past several abstract paintings scattered across the wall before finding a small booth tucked away in the back of the shop. He had only taken two sips of his cappuccino before he sensed a presence next to him. He turned to gaze at the familiar face.
“Hi, how are you doing?” Stephanie greeted him with a smile as she pushed her hair behind her ear. She had on an ivory chiffon top that flared at the waist matched with a pair of faded blue jeans, and Kevin couldn’t help but feel disarmed by her sweet innocence.
Kevin scooted out of the booth and stood to his feet before giving her a faint smile. “I’ve been better.” He gestured at the seat across from him. “Please, sit down.”
Kevin waited until Stephanie made herself comfortable before returning to his seat.
“Thanks for meeting me on such short notice. I feel bad for having to call you.”
“Silly, why would you feel bad when I offered to be there any time you needed me. Please don’t feel bad. You’ve suffered through enough guilt as it is. If I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t have offered my help.”
“Thanks. It really means a lot to me. Would you like something to drink?”
“Sure, I’ll have a green tea with honey and lemon, please.”
“I’ll be back.” Kevin left the booth and returned a few minutes later with her drink.
Kevin stared in awkward silence at the steam rising from his drink, his finger tapping nervously against his mug. An unsettling feeling enveloped him as he feared what her reaction would be as he shared the indescribable pain inside. Would it be more than she was willing to bear? Would the woman regret her decision to offer him help? After pushing himself to meet with her, he was suddenly at a loss for words to say. Seconds later, he felt a soft hand rest on top of his own.
“It’s okay,” she reassured him with a smile. “I know it’s not easy, but you’ve taken the hardest step by asking for help. Trust me, I know how hard it can be. You’re doing a great job. Whatever you’re thinking, it’s not your fault, and you have to let it go.” Her eyes batted at him with sympathy.
Kevin forced a deep sigh from his lips. “How can I let go when all I see are those two girls?” He said with emotion in his voice. “I couldn’t save either one of them, and now they’re both gone forever, and why? Because of me.” A line of tears streamed down his anguished face.
“Kevin. I was sent here to help you. To help you heal and help you get your life back on track where you’re supposed to be. In the hospital saving lives.”
“Save lives?” Kevin made a face as he shook his head at the woman. “No! I can’t save lives. If that were the case, then I would have saved Rachel. I would have saved Sarah. I don’t belong at Harbor anymore. That part of my life is now over. I don’t know why God put me there to begin with.”
“No, Kevin. You were put there for a reason. God has plans for you, and your destiny is laid out for you. You just have to take the steps to follow it. It isn’t merely by chance that the two of us were brought together. I believe it’s to help each other through our journey of healing. I need you just as much as you need me to heal. You can still make a difference, you can still save another life. Please, Kevin. I need your help. I feel God wants you to help me right now. God sent you to me for a reason. Don’t let that reason amount to nothing. Please. What happened to Rachel was not your fault.”
“You don’t understand,” Kevin murmured. “It’s not just Rachel, but Sarah too. I couldn’t help her either. It’s my fault the car hit us. I shouldn’t have taken her there that day. I should have paid attention to the guy across from us. I should have been able to stop him ... Crystal. I did this and Crystal lost the most important thing to her. It’s because of me. Don’t you get that?”
“No, I don’t. Tell me what happened with Sarah.”
The eyes that looked into hers were ragged. The rims were red with tears, and he had dark bags under his eyes from the loss of sleep. He had been a lot worse than she thought. He looked tired and worn down, and she knew that there wasn’t much more he could take.
Although her heart ached for Rachel, she knew that even if it had been Kevin’s fault, she wouldn’t have been able to stand idly by and watch a life full of promise be discarded like leftover food. It was in her heart to love man just as God did. Looking back at him, she sat and listened to him talk. He cleared his throat softly before he began to speak. She clasped his hand between hers and gently stroked the top of his hand as she sat there and listened.
“Sarah was my niece. She was such a carefree spirit. She had her mother’s beauty inside and out. She had Crystal’s light brown hair, and she had her laugh. You know, that quirky little laugh that made heads turn to see where it came from. I had just started at Harbor Hospital a few weeks before. I was so excited you know. My career was going great, and I had plans to run one of the largest ERs in the state. I couldn’t wait to get started.” Kevin hesitated for moment.
“Sounds like it was a great opportunity for you.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to see people hurt by any means. There’s just something about the adrenaline rush that hits your body when you’re working in an ER. Crystal had some things to do, so I told her I would take Sarah for the day. I should have gone home to sleep first. I should have told Crystal that I could have taken her later, but I didn’t. Instead, I went to pick her up right after my shift. I had just come off an 18-hour shift. But being the idiot that I am and an adrenaline junkie, I took a few energy shots and drank some coffee before going to pick Sarah up. I had just worked 48 hours in the last three days, and I just kept going. I should have known better.” He looked up as he felt Stephanie squeeze his hand.
“You were trying to help her Kevin.”
He looked at her solemnly. “Yeah. I helped a whole lot didn’t I?” He knew he sounded bitter, but he just couldn’t help it.
“Please tell me the rest of the story Kevin.” She didn’t say anything about his bitterness. He looked down to where she still held his hand and took a deep breath. He felt comfort in her hand and went on with the rest of the story.
“Well, I decided to take Sarah to the amusement park in the next town. She was so excited, and even at 13 she couldn’t hold back her excitement. It was as though she were six again. She had gotten to the age that she thought she was too old for that kind of stuff. You know the teenage years. Well, Uncle Kevin put a nip in that. We rode the rides, and then I had to win her a stuffed animal. She wanted a big one, and after spending a fortune at the games, I finally got her one. It was a huge baby blue dolphin and when we left she had put the thing in the back seat. I laughed, and she told me that she wanted it to be safe.” Kevin shook his head, a thin smile on his lips.
“She had put the darn seatbelt on the thing. It’s amazing to think how close to the truth she really was. We shared a funnel cake before we left, and my shirt was covered in that powdered sugar. I had on dark blue too, and she had laughed telling me I looked like a little kid because I had made such a mess with my food. She was so saucy. We got in the car to come home. I remember sitting at the light and waiting for it to turn green again. The next thing that happened, I awoke in the hospital bed with some nurse telling me to lay down.”
He took a deep breath as the tears returned to his cheeks again.
“It’s okay, go on.”
“Finally after what seemed like forever, Crystal came into the room. I asked her where Sarah was. I wanted to know what happened. I didn’t remember anything. She told me Sarah was dead. She told me that the guy on the other side of the road had been drunk and had come on my side of the road. She said I should have seen him, and she was right. I must have fallen asleep. I remember my eyes burning from being so tired. I remember them being so heavy. I fell asleep at the wheel with my niece in the car. I should have known better than to let her sit in the front seat when she asked me. She normally sat in the back. I had seen so many accidents that I knew the backseat was safer. I knew that and let her sit up front anyway. My sister told me I should have seen the other driver. She was right. I should have seen him, then maybe I could have stopped it or prevented it from hitting us where it did. Something.” Kevin began to sob.
“Oh, Kevin,” Stephanie said with compassion as she gently stroked his hand. “I’m so sorry.”
He continued to choke the words past the lump of emotion in his throat. “Then Rachel came in, and when I saw her she looked so much like Sarah, everything came crashing back. Then I failed her too. I couldn’t save Rachel either. How am I supposed to be a doctor after that? Both of them were so young and innocent. They both deserved so much more than what they got. Because of me. I’m the reason they aren’t here.” He was sobbing heavily at this point and surrendered into Stephanie’s arm as she scooted into his side of the booth. His arms curled around her as he wept into her shoulder. No longer able to contain her sorrow, she cried with him. When he had everything under control again, he leaned back from her.
Stephanie had tears running down her cheeks. She knew she was a blubbering mess but didn’t care. Framing Kevin’s face with her hands she looked into his eyes. “You’re not at fault, Kevin. Yes, you shouldn’t have fallen asleep at the wheel, but the drunk driver is at fault. He was drinking and on the wrong side of the road. I’m sure you’ve seen some awful stuff in the hospital with drunk drivers. Rachel was already called home when you tried to save her. I’m thankful you were there, but God called her home, and there is nothing either one of us could have done to stop him. It was something he allowed to happen, and we couldn’t keep Him from taking her. You did everything you could. You tried to save her. It’s time to let go, Kevin. It’s time for you to understand that you’re not at fault here. Let go of your guilt. Even though God has been my source of strength, I still want your help. We need each other to heal, and you can’t help me if you feel this way. I know you feel guilty, but you shouldn’t. Do you hear me Kevin?”
His hands were wrapped around hers, and he looked deep into her eyes. It was the first time he actually heard what she was saying to him. He had always listened, but for the first time he really understood what she said. He remembered sitting numbly at the funeral. He remembered hearing people’s condolences and letting them pass from one ear through the other. He remembered speaking to his sister and not hearing what she said. He had stopped listening to people in his grief. Now for the first time, he heard her loud and clear and felt a spark of hope take flame deep in the black recesses of his heart.
Was God really giving him this chance to heal not only himself but this amazing woman beside him?
Could he really be heartless and selfish and forsake her, leaving her to navigate the lonely path of healing all by herself? How could he not help her when he couldn’t save her daughter? Kevin peered into Stephanie’s soft eyes, hoping to find some clue, some answer to the soul searching questions that burned in his consciousness. He could detect a genuine compassion behind her eyes, tempered by the unspoken fear of what the future held. He couldn’t blame her for feeling that way. He was little more than a stranger to the poor woman, and her willingness to commit to his healing was a testimony of her faith.
It was at that moment he felt a genuine connection with her soul, a bond he had never experienced with another woman, not even Becca. It was as if God had sent a revelation to him, a confirmation that the woman sitting across from him would become a significant part of his life, a life that still had potential. Kevin now realized why God wouldn’t let him escape this world, at least not now. There was a special person who needed his help, and he knew God had placed Stephanie in his house for a reason. A reason he hoped would be revealed in the near future.
But for now, his immediate concern was to make restitution to the young woman and it needed to start with helping her to heal. Nodding, he looked at her and saw how extremely beautiful she was. The tears that ran down her face and into her hair did nothing to hide how appealing she was. Shaking himself mentally, he thought that this wasn’t the time. How can you think like man, instead of seeing the pain she’s going through? You should be ashamed of yourself! He nodded towards her again.
“Will you help me Kevin?”