“Help you with what?” He knew he had repeated those words before, but this time he spoke from his heart. This time he heard what she said to him. Really heard for the first time what she was asking of him.
“Help me heal from Rachel’s death. I think we can help each other. I think God put us in each other’s paths for a reason. To help each other.”
He looked at her in wonder. “Are you sure this is what you want? I mean, I’m not a therapist.” Kevin held up his hands. “All I know how to do is fix broken bodies, not a broken heart.” With his hand, he brushed the remaining lines of wetness from his face.
Stephanie placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Yes. I think you can help. You’re one of the only people who can feel the pain I’m feeling, and with that understanding, we can help each other get better. I can see it in your face that you’ve been holding onto a lot of guilt for a very long time. God has shown me that it’s time for you to heal and let go of the past for both our sakes.”
Kevin grasped her hand and squeezed it thankfully. “You’re an amazing woman, Stephanie. Did anyone ever tell you that you would have made a great nurse? He reached his hand up to push a strand of hair from her face and out of her eye.
“No, you’re the first one to say that. Thanks for the compliment, Dr. Pierce. It’s just part of my nature to help others.” Stephanie felt, with a mixture of excitement and regret, the absence of his hand as he pulled it back to his side. She swept down her lashes, battling shyness.
“Please call me Kevin.”
“OK Kevin.” She gave him a bashful smile. His caress sent butterflies throughout her stomach, but she tried to ignore the feeling as they both stood to their feet.
“Would you mind accompanying me for a walk outside?” Kevin took one last sip from his cup of jo.
“No, that sounds like a nice idea,” she said as she led the way past tables of patrons enjoying their cup of brew.
A few minutes later, they emerged from the coffee shop and headed down the street. They reached an intersection, and as they waited for the crosswalk to turn green, she stood there looking at him for what seemed like minutes before he looked up and met her eyes. Something electric sizzled in the air between them as their eyes locked and held. She had never realized how good looking he was until that moment. While his eyes still radiated pain and sorrow, she hoped that one day they would sparkle with the hope and enthusiasm of a life on fire for the Lord. Stephanie quickly looked away as color flooded her cheeks.
As they continued walking, Stephanie observed the locals passing by on their way to work or to complete their list of daily chores. Everyone seemed in such a hurry, lost in their reality of their own world, unaware of the lives around them. She remembered when she had been like that. Her life seemed like a fast moving train, never slowing down to just stop and take the time to appreciate those who crossed paths with her life. There was always something else to do. Somewhere else she needed to be. She had never taken any time for herself, to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. She never took the time to really enjoy her daughter. Even though they had their share of fun moments together, Stephanie felt like she could have done more. Much more.
It seemed life rushed by quickly, a seamless blur of activities from one day to the next. She remembered the times she would watch Rachel color when she was little or brush her hair as she got older. She had been so beautiful. The perfect picture of childlike innocence. As a toddler, Rachel would sit on the floor with her for hours playing games and putting together puzzles. As she got older, it transitioned into makeovers and curling her hair. Then there were her soccer games. Rachel had loved the outdoors and spent as much time as she could outside, even if it were just to kick a ball around the house. She had soccer practice three times a week and had a game every Friday. Stephanie never missed any of them.
She cherished the little things with Rachel like making breakfast in the mornings before school and grocery shopping. They would often try to come up with a new recipe every week. She smiled inside when she thought of some of the kitchen tragedies they would have. There were many times they ended up throwing the food out and ordering pizza. She remembered the time Rachel hummed the death march as she carried a plate of food to the trash can, holding it like some ceremonial sacrifice. It happened so often even the pizza delivery boy knew them by name. Sometimes they would run into him at the store, and she remembered how he would often chuckle as he waved, telling them he would see them in a couple days.
Their lives were inseparably joined together. She could even recall her own mother saying they lived as if they were joined at the hip. But what else could her mother expect? How could Stephanie not cherish every waking moment with the only child in her life? There was no man in her life to share her heart with, at least not yet. It wasn’t because she didn’t want to be involved in a romantic relationship. Only God knew the deep yearning in her heart to be happily married again someday, to have someone special to share life’s sorrows and joys with. But finding the right Godly man for her had been like finding a needle in a haystack. They were far and few between and being a single mother didn’t help her cause.
Coming back to the present, she stole a second glance at Kevin. There was a somber expression on his face as he stared at the sidewalk in front of them.
“How are you doing? And tell me the truth. Don’t sugar coat anything for me,”
She saw the genuine look of interest in his eyes and smiled up at him as she began to speak. “I feel like a part of me was ripped apart. Like something is missing from inside. I know it sounds bad, but I feel like God is punishing me for something.”
“I know. Me too. I just can’t think of what I could have done to deserve this.”
“I can.”
He looked at her curiously.
“My marriage. I was the one to file for the divorce. Maybe that’s why God took the only thing in my life that mattered. I was supposed to go first. The parent should always go first. I slept for the first time last night, thanks to you.”
He stopped in front of a clothing store and looked at her with raised brows. “To me?”
“You gave me purpose again. A reason to keep going. Rachel was my world, and without her everything was gone. There was no reason to go on. Until I met you and saw what you were going through. God gave me a reason to fight. My whole life shattered apart that night, and I couldn’t eat or sleep for days. I laid in her bed holding the teddy bear she still had from when she was a little girl and just cried. There was nothing else for me until God showed me a new direction for my life. Now I can breathe again.” She looked at him and smiled sweetly.
Kevin didn’t know what to think. Here was this woman who was telling him that her life had ended when her daughter died. Then she went on to say he helped her to cope and deal with her daughter’s death. He had a hard time accepting what he was hearing. Didn’t she remember that he was the doctor on the night of her daughter’s accident? The doctor that couldn’t save her daughter? How could she not see that it was she who was saving him right now, not the other way around?
“I think you have it wrong, Stephanie. You’re the one who saved my life. I was ready to end everything the day I saw you again with your father. If it weren’t for your father needing my help, I would have already purchased a gun and ended my life by now. I wouldn’t be here talking to you. My life has been meaningless. I used to look at life differently, but I can’t see any color, any reason to continue on in this world anymore. All I see are Rachel and Sarah.”
“You know what might be a helpful idea?” Stephanie said as she combed a finger through her hair.
“What?”
“I’ll tell you about Rachel if you tell me about Sarah. Maybe if we talk about them and remember who they were and how much they were loved, it will help to let them go.”
“OK, I’ll give it a try.”
“But before you start, let’s sit over there.” She pointed at a small brick courtyard surrounded by fancy black wrought iron gates and Kevin followed her lead as she sat on the bench. She cleared her throat and took a deep breath before starting. “Rachel loved going outside. Always did. She would spend hours and hours in the backyard with nothing but a doll. At other times, she wouldn’t have any toys at all, just her imagination. She wasn’t a girlie girl either. She wasn’t afraid of getting down and dirty and often rolled in the mud with the boys. She would go through at least one pair of shorts a week during the summer. They would get torn or ripped somehow.” She started laughing when she remembered the one incident. “There was one time we were up in Virginia for one of my ex-husband’s family reunions. She was so stubborn too. She was playing baseball with some of the kids in the family. The ball had gone over a fence in the backyard. I told her not to climb the fence but to let one of the grownups go around and get it. She wouldn’t listen, and sure enough she split those shorts all the way down the back. She was so upset and embarrassed. Then I had to take her into the back bedroom and sit down with a needle and some thread and sew them up enough for her to wear the rest of the day. Needless to say, she never climbed that fence from that day forward again.” She was laughing remembering the expression on Rachel’s face when she had heard the rip. It had been a priceless moment. Turning she saw Kevin smiling back at her.
“She sounds just like Sarah. She was so stubborn too. My sister would call me almost every day with something new that Sarah was doing. She used to go with me on rounds and stand outside the doorway as I spoke to patients. She loved the hospital, and I remember Crystal would have to bring her to the hospital at least once a week for dinner. She loved to walk through the lines. Even when she was little, she had loved it. She said it was almost like the school cafeteria, but the food was so much better. I would laugh at her then, but now when I sit and think about it, I realize she was actually right. She also liked the outdoors. But her biggest passion was sports. She was on the volleyball and basketball teams in her school. She played everything, and there wasn’t a time when you didn’t see her with some sort of ball in her hand. I remember when she was nine, she told me she needed my help. She wanted me to teach her how to ice skate. My sister had never tried it, and she never had any interest to learn when we were kids. Being a girl, I automatically assumed she wanted to learn how to skate. You know doing twirls and such. Boy was I wrong. She told me I was being pig-headed and thinking like a man, not an uncle. Come to find out she wanted to learn to skate so she could try out for the hockey team in town.” He shook his head laughing with the memory. “I finally said yes and taught her but told her she couldn’t play hockey. I told her that it was too rough. Then I made the mistake of telling her that hockey was no place for a girl. Boy, you should have seen the stone silent treatment I received from her for three days. Not one word. Not even a call. Can you even believe she acted like I was invisible when I came over to the house? It wasn’t until the day I bribed her with a double scoop of chocolate ice cream that she finally caved in and started talking to me again.” He began laughing again.
Stephanie watched him laughing and smiled at the joy she finally saw in his eyes. It was subtle, almost imperceptible, but she could detect a hint of pale blue return to his eyes. “Well, did she? You’re killing me with the suspense.”
“No. She wasn’t over anything. She was so stubborn she had to prove me wrong. Two weeks later she brought me a box. Her mom was there too. I opened it and it held a jersey.”
“Oh no, she didn’t?”
“Yes she did. The little minx joined the hockey team. She had tried out and made it. My sister was livid to put it nicely. And, of course, being my sister, she blamed it on me for teaching her how to skate.”
“Well, yeah. Of course she did. You knew why she wanted to learn to skate. And instead of telling your sister what was going on, you continued to teach her how. And not only a little but enough to make the hockey team. Ha. I would have been mad too.”
“Oh my gosh! You sound just like Crystal. She was so mad she confiscated the jersey and took it back to the coach the next morning. I heard from Sarah, she made a big scene in front of the other girls. Sarah could never live that one down, and she took advantage of every opportunity to let me know how I let her down. It wasn’t until months later that she finally started to tease me about the whole thing.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, she thought it was funny that I got reamed out like a little kid by my sister who’s a little pixie. You’d have to see her in person to understand. She’s 5’3” and about 100 pounds soaking wet. I guess it was a hilarious scene with her petite body standing there half my size and yelling at me like I was a teenager as she poked a finger into my chest over and over with her rambling.” He shrugged lightly as he laughed again.
“I’m sure it was.”
They sat in awkward silence for a few more minutes. Stephanie wasn’t certain what else she could have said to lighten the mood, but not being able to handle the silence anymore, she finally spoke again.
“I’ve been doing some serious thinking, and I’ve been wanting to check out some meetings. Would you go with me?”
The face he gave her told her that he didn’t know what she was talking about.
“I’ve heard about some group meetings for grieving parents. There’s also a grief counselor I wanted to see. I just don’t want to go alone, and I thought maybe you would want to go with me.” She looked down, afraid of his rejection. She felt his fingers on her chin as he lifted it so their eyes could meet.
“I would love to go with you.”
She could sense the enthusiasm in his voice. “Good.” She nodded and pulled a slip of paper from her purse. “There’s one in an hour on the other side of town. Wanna go?”
“An hour from now?” Kevin’s brows lifted with surprise.
“Unless you’ve got somewhere else you need to be.” Stephanie gazed at him with puppy dog eyes, hoping he could see how badly she wanted him to go.”
Kevin pursed his lips together in a wry smile. “Of course, I’ll go. I know how important this is to you, and that’s good enough for me.”
“Really, you’d do that for me?”
“Yes, I would.”
Stephanie gave him a hug. A calmness settled over her as she felt the warmth of his taut body against hers, a calmness she had never experienced with another man, not even Thomas. “Come on.”
They headed back to his car and threw their cups away in the trash bin outside. Walking side by side they came to the car. Standing to the side, he held the door open for her and then walked to the other side to slide into the driver’s seat and start the car.
Neither of them said anything as they cruised down the street. Feeling his eyes on her, she turned to see him looking at her. He smiled brightly, and her eyes traveled down to his mouth. His lips were full bodied and firm, and she wondered what they would feel like to kiss. Passionate? Strong with desire? Stephanie was lost in the moment as she tried to imagine what they would feel like. Seconds later, she came to her senses and ducked her head with embarrassment. She felt the blush build heat into her cheeks and spread throughout her chest. She heard the chuckle but decided to ignore it.
Minutes later, they pulled out in front of a small business building.