A few weeks had passed since her first meeting with Dr. Richardson and now Stephanie sat at the table with her mother.
“So how are things going with you and Kevin?”
“Good. We have another support group tonight.”
“You look good honey. Better than you have in months. I’m glad you two are helping each other through this. It makes both me and your father happy to see you smile again.”
“It feels good to smile again. I mean, I love Rachel and I think about her every day. I still don’t understand why, and I don’t think that I ever will. A part of me will always be missing, and I know I’ll have that void for the rest of my life. For the first time, I can breathe again and feel that life is worth living. God has softened the pain and somehow He’s used Kevin to change me. He’s made me into a different person than I was.”
“Kevin seems like a good guy. You’re lucky God brought him into your life. I can see the difference in you as the weeks go by.”
“I’ll have to admit, it hasn’t been without a struggle. Even though I’m thankful for Kevin, it still takes every ounce of willpower to keep myself from rejecting God for what happened to my wonderful little girl. Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting to live again, and I have to remind myself that it’s good for me. It makes me take a step back and remember all that I had before. Not to take life for granted and to appreciate it much more.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, honey. You’re doing a wonderful job moving on with your life. Healing is a lifelong process, and you can’t rush it. It may not feel like it, but someday the pain won’t sting so much. It’s been hard for me too, not having my granddaughter around.” She could see the tears well up in her mother’s eyes. “I miss her laughter, her singing in the kitchen when I’m cooking and the times I would drive her to softball practice.”
Stephanie placed an arm around her mother’s shoulder. “I’m sorry if I haven’t been there for you, Mom. I guess I’ve been so absorbed in my own pain that I didn’t think to ask how you’ve been doing.”
“It’s alright. I was more worried about your stress, and I didn’t want to burden you with my feelings. With all that’s been going on with your father’s health, I just stuffed everything inside.”
“Oh, Mom, I’m so sorry. You’ve probably suffered just as much as I have. You shouldn’t feel bad about sharing your feelings with me. You know how much I care about you and Dad. I’m always here if you need to talk.” She wrapped her arms around her mother. “Promise me that you’ll come to me when you need someone to talk to.”
Her mother nodded silently as she forced a breath from her lips. “I just couldn’t stand to see you suffer and worry any more than you needed to.”
They embraced each other in silence for what seemed like minutes. Finally, Stephanie broke the silence.
“We’re going to the meeting and then Kevin’s going to drive me back home so we can start packing some things. I think it’s time I let the house go.”
“Are you really sure about this? What about keeping the home and renting it out?”
She shook her head. “I thought about it, but I decided it would too painful to constantly be reminded of the place Rachel grew up in. I think it would be best for me to sell it and start a new life here in Mendocino with you and Dad.”
There were tears falling from Valerie’s eyes. “If you think that’s the best, then I’m here to support you all the way. I’m so proud of you, my dear.”
“Thank you, Momma.”
The next morning, Stephanie stared at the old front porch as she and Kevin sat in the driveway to her home. They had arrived late last night and ended up renting individual rooms at a local motel. Even though she could have saved money by sleeping in her own home, Stephanie couldn’t bear the thought of being in the empty house all alone. Just thinking about it gave her the shivers. After eating breakfast at a nearby coffee shop, they had driven over to her home. They had been sitting there for 15 minutes, and she couldn’t get her feet to move. It looked just as it had the day Rachel had left. The only difference was the plants that had been hanging from the top of the porch weren’t full of flowers anymore. Instead, long strands of brown dead grass fell from each one. There had been no one here to water them while she had been at her mother’s.
“Do you want me to go unlock the door, and then we can start from there?”
She was unable to say anything as she nodded at him. She watched Kevin make his way into her home, and then digging deep, she found the courage to walk towards her home. As she walked through the door, she looked around at the clutter. There were still broken pieces of glass on the wood floor after she had shoved everything off the mantle in a fit of anger after the accident. She watched as Kevin pulled the box of big green trash bags from under his arm and headed to the fridge first.
“I don’t think I want to see what’s growing on some of this stuff,” he said as he stared at the contents of the fridge. She laughed at the expression on his face. His nose was wrinkled up, and he looked like a little kid about to eat a green vegetable.
They were soon working side by side as she began helping him clean out the fridge. She stopped twice and tears filled her eyes as she looked at the box of cereal that had been Rachel’s favorite. Then the box of frozen corn dogs that she had loved. When the kitchen was done, he looked over at her and cocked his head to the side. Without another word, he walked to her and gathered her in his arms. He held her tight as she cried out her sorrow on his shoulder. He had prepared himself for this knowing that she would do nothing but cry.
Next, they moved to the dining room and living room. She packed the stuff she wanted to keep in the boxes they had brought and stuck them in a corner of the living room. Finally, the lower half of the home was finished. Even though she was tired and weary from all the crying, she pushed herself to place Rachel’s shoes and coats in the box to donate to the thrift store.
Two hours later, she stood at the bottom of the stairs, fighting the urge to turn around and run as far as her legs could carry her. Her head lifted up, and her body froze like a statue. She felt two hands rest on her shoulders before they whirled her around slowly. She looked into Kevin’s face as her lower lip trembled.
“How about we call it a day? We can grab a bite to eat before the long ride back home. We can come back next weekend to do the upstairs.”
“OK. That sounds good.” Stephanie leaned into him and rested her head against his chest. Kevin embraced her tightly and the warmth of his body against hers brought a peace to her heart. She was thankful she had asked him to come along because there was no way she could have had the strength to do it alone, to face the flood of memories that would invade her consciousness and remind her of the reality of what she had lost.
“It’ll get better, I promise,” he said as he squeezed her tightly.
It took her another week before she could mentally prepare herself to return to the house. This time her parents came along to help. Soon after she had arrived, the parents of the other girls stopped by after hearing of her return to the house. After many tears and hugs, the five mothers stood and shared about their daughters for the first time since their deaths. Stephanie heard them share about how hollow and incomplete their lives were after their daughters’ deaths. As the women left, Stephanie gave out Dr. Richardson’s name and number and promised to keep in touch.
As Stephanie stood in front of her daughter’s door, she stood silently for a few minutes gazing at the sign. The neon homemade sign that said Rachel stood out against the white door. She could feel the mounting tension spread throughout her body, and she took a deep breath before pushing the door open and walking into the room. Her gaze traveled around the small room, and in that instant she fell apart. All around the room, she saw her precious little girl and the deafening sound of Rachel’s voice screamed inside her head. Without thought, she pulled the trash bag from her pocket and began clearing everything. Holding it under the vanity, she raked everything into the bag as if they were empty candy wrappers.
“I told you to clean your room. Look at the floor. My gosh, Rachel. And makeup. I thought I told you that you weren’t old enough yet? And look at this.” She pulled a piece of paper from a stack on her desk that had a large red D on it. “Really a D Rachel? You know that’s unacceptable. I need to correct you for all this. You need to be here for me to correct you! Whyyyyyyy!” She fell to her knees as tears gushed from her eyes. Her world had been shattered, and she screamed at her daughter to return, even if it was for an argument. Absorbed in her grief, she barely remembered Kevin lifting her up and carrying her to the bed. Pulling from him, she curled into a fetal position as she hugged her daughter’s pillow tightly. She could still smell Rachel’s shampoo off the pillowcase and sucked in breath after breath of the fragrance. Kevin sat nearby and watched patiently as she cried herself into a fitful sleep.
It seemed like an hour had passed when Kevin felt Valerie beside him. “I don’t know how to help her. I hate to see her like this.”
“I do too honey, but she needed it. She’s been holding on so long that she needed to let Rachel go. She’ll never be able to move on if she doesn’t do that first. She cried at the funeral and the hospital but never with emotion. She needed to vent to herself and her daughter and God himself. Stephanie is strong, and I know she’s been crying to the Lord for help. Plus she has you, so I know she’ll be OK. But she needed to release everything that’s been building up inside her. It’s important for her healing.”
He nodded as Valerie exited the room. In that moment, he knew his life had changed forever. He wasn’t here just to help Stephanie. He was here because he loved her. In just the few short months he had known Stephanie, she had found a special place in his heart. He couldn’t see spending one day without her beside him, and he knew that as soon as their lives were well on the road to recovery, then they could truly embrace their relationship.