Chapter Four

I honestly feel there is nothing in this world, no problem in all of Creation, that can’t be worked out over a stack of pancakes. We three must have been quite a sight, dragging ourselves back into the Garden of Eatin’. We were crammed into a horseshoe corner booth near the kitchen, with Goliath taking up most of the seat. Lenny’s head was on the seat next to me, covered by my coat. We hadn’t spoken a word since leaving the scene of the brawl.

For his part, Goliath appeared to be on very friendly terms with the waitress, as he’d already been served two plates of midnight breakfast, replete with eggs, sausage, ham, manna cakes, honeyed biscuits, coffee, juice, and a few apples. This all came to him in two rounds before I was even acknowledged or handed a menu. I think that’s why I liked the place so much. I felt…regular here. I knew I was hated in many places for things I had and hadn’t done. But here, I knew exactly what it was. My patronage was as much torture for the waitress as was her service to me.

Tonight, however, bigger things were afoot, and I had no time for friendly games. I tried to catch her attention again as she passed by with a juice refill for Goliath.

“Miss? Could I just…?”

But she was on her way to the next table. I stood and cleared my throat. She continued to take the next table’s order, paying me no mind. I waited until she took a step away and grabbed her arm.

“Eve,” I whispered in her ear.

“You don’t use my— that name in here, got it?”

“I need some food. Quickly. Miss. Then I’ll get out of here.”

“You always say that, and then you never do.”

“This is a matter of universal importance!”

“You always always say that. Remember how many months it took me to clean up after your matter of universal importance with the midget nuns?”

“Those were rabid penguins. Very devout, very—”

“I know what I saw. I’ve had a long day, and I’ve had enough of you for a while.”

“Just give me some manna cakes, and you won’t see me again for a month, I promise. You may not see me ever again if things don’t go well.”

“I should be so lucky.”

“If things don’t go well, you won’t be around either.”

She lowered her order pad, tapped her pen against her teeth. “Something I need to know about?”

“Just the end of the world again, toots. Now, please, be a doll, and feed me so I can get on the road?”

Without a glance, I strolled back to my table and sat. My seat was a bit warmer than I expected.

“These are great ,” Goliath huffed between bites, motioning at Lenny with his fork. “I fed him a couple o’ cakes earlier. I think he’s leaking.”

I set Lenny’s head in the center of the table.

“Lenny, am I sitting in your partially chewed manna cakes?”

“Serves you right,” Lenny said. “You’re lucky my brains haven’t leaked out yet.”

“Food’s on the way. Let’s put our heads together – no offense Lenny – and figure out what’s happening here. There’s a good chance that I could die in the next few days.”

At this, Goliath dropped his fork. His mouth hung open, applesauce dripping from the corners. “No!” he shouted.

“You were trying to kill him yourself a few minutes ago,” Lenny said.

“Well, that was different, wunnit?” Goliath asked. “Someone was making me.”

“There’s only a few people I trust around these parts,” I said. Goliath’s chest puffed out at this perceived compliment.

“Unfortunately, right now I can’t reach any of them, so I’ll have to work with what I’ve got. Why don’t you tell me what you know, and I’ll try to fill in the gaps.”

“Ooh!” Goliath shouted, “My sword was cursed tonight! Probably by those guys in the—”

“Traveling carnival. Yes. And now we know everything Goliath knows. Thanks, G.” I patted his shoulder.

Goliath beamed, as he retrieved his fork from the floor. He assaulted his midnight feast.

“Lenny, tell me what you know.”

Lenny tried to turn his head, but only succeeded in rolling his eyes away from me. “You expect me to help you after this?” He paused for effect, his eyes growing wider.

“Are you trying to gesture?” I asked.

“YES! But I have no hands, do I? Or arms? And whose fault is that?”

“It’s the End of Times. It’s happened before, and it’ll happen again. The catch is, it’s never happened on my watch. I’ve got a few things I’d like to accomplish, so I think we need to hold off on Armageddon.” This didn’t seem to be motivating him. “I can get your body back, Lenny.”

“Oh, this from the Father of Lies?”

“There’s no need to go throwing names around, especially meaningless taunts made up by twelve drunken Jews after their main man passed over. I have feelings too, you know.”

“Blasphemer!”

I’d dealt with Lenny’s type before. He was holding out for something, I just needed to figure out what. “Why did you send a messenger for me tonight?”

Lenny’s upper lip quivered for a second. His eyes danced around the restaurant, out the window, back again. I don’t think he even heard me. “We should get out of here. There are people trying to kill us.”

“I already got the warning about the Brothers.”

“Not them. Somebody else. When I passed through, I heard voices.” Lenny looked uncomfortable. “The Mirror of Smoke. The Obsidian Knife. They’re ancient artifacts. That’s all I know. Someone told me you specialized in the Ancients.”

“I’ve been out of acquisitions for a while now. My Rolodex is dusty. If you don’t know what they are , how do you know about them?”

“It all happened when I got pulled through. It starts with the girl. You see, someone has stolen thirteen—”

“I know.”

“She’s been imbued with a great power that I don’t think she even knows about. Someone found a way to draw power from a Heavenly Host. When they pulled the energy down here, I came with it. When I started to go, I could hear a voice. I was with Phaleg, and as I started to fade, I saw rings of light surrounding me, pillars of smoke. And I heard a whisper, a rumble. A repetition of those phrases. ‘The Mirror of Smoke’. ‘The Obsidian Knife’. Another word… yay…yah… Yeotah—”

“Yaotl?” I asked.

“That’s it! What does it mean?”

“I don’t know. Just heard it myself recently while one of my old friends was possessed.”

“I heard snippets of a conversation. Where there was one voice, now there were three or four. From what I can tell, someone’s making a play to take over down here so they can assault Heaven.”

“It isn’t the first time. I’ve put down plenty of rebellions in my day.”

“And I helped!” Goliath shouted.

“…and he helped.” I smiled at him and nodded. I turned my attention back to Lenny.

“This seems like a concerted effort. When I landed, I was approached by two beings. I rolled over from where I’d slammed into the ground. I don’t know if I landed on them or if they somehow made the trip with me. They were talking to each other, saying something about their boss…or a higher being. My senses were scrambled, forgive me. Before I could speak, the larger of the two sprang to his feet and lifted me by the hair. He jabbed something into my back, then I felt another set of hands pulling at my hair. Tugging. Cutting. A knife twisting in my ribs. I screamed out, and there was a flash of light…my last bolt of Heavenly energy, I suppose. I went limp, and I think they believed me dead. They dropped me and ran.”

“You didn’t get their names?” Goliath asked.

“Did you smell anything?” I asked. “Anything like rot?” Lenny’s brow furrowed, which caused his head to shift minutely. “Now that you mention it, there was something. Bad apples. The only way I can describe it.”

“The Brothers. But this all seems too well planned for them. You think that knife had something to do with your… squishiness? Did you feel anything leave your body? Did you see an orb nearby by chance? Dull grey or black?”

“Nothing like that.”

“Maybe they got it before you even knew.” Just another thing to add to the list of things that weren’t sitting quite right.

“When I got my senses back, I started wandering. I made my way for the city center to find you. As I was walking near a subway tunnel entrance, a massive bolt of energy blew it up. The force of the explosion threw me across the street. I looked back, and I swear I saw something stalking me. So I ran. I ended up here at the restaurant.”

“Safe ground. Malevolence can’t get through those doors. Evil can’t eat here.”

Goliath and Lenny stared at me.

“It’s true! I’m not going to tell you how I know, but trust me. I built this place, that’s the only reason I’m allowed in. At any rate, as long as we’re in here, we’re safe. The problem, of course, is that we have to get out of here. I have to meet some people about anima crystals.”

“Why would a mortal get the idea to steal other people’s anima crystals and make the journey?” Lenny asked.

I couldn’t resist. “To get to the other side.”

“And why, to the best of your knowledge, has nobody tried this before?” Lenny asked.

“Because the desert is vast and ruthless. Because the sun beats down on you in the hardpan, and the frost breaks your bones on the tundra. Because most souls simply aren’t strong enough to make it, and rather than completing their journey, they rot in the wastes, dissolving away to nothing. And yet a teenage bimbo decides to give it a shot? She may be able to pass the tests, but the desert is still the desert, yes? She’s getting help from Cain and Abel.”

“I don’t think so,” Lenny said. “I think she’s the one helping them, whether she knows it or not.”

“Heavenly beings can’t make the Crossing. One of the drags of being Holy. You can only go where God tells you,” I said. “I’ve made the Crossing. And I know for a fact that I’ve been able to manifest on Earth at will.”

“Well, you were tossed overboard,” Lenny said. “No choice in the matter. Michael had beaten you to a pulp before giving you the last heave-ho.”

“Exaggeration!” I raised my knife.

“They play the video every Friday night.”

Okay. Fine, maybe he got the best of me. But, pulp? I beg to differ. I decided to let it slide.

“So, you weren’t quite conscious when you made the fall,” Lenny continued. “The point is, it usually takes a massive amount of Holy Energy to cross over, and with the girl I think Cain and Abel have found a way to make the Crossing back into Heaven.”

“And when they get there?”

“That’s where my theories end,” Lenny muttered. “Even together they’re no match for The Boss.”

“Is there anything else you heard as you crossed over here? Think!”

“It was all a bunch of meaningless ritual talk. The Dawn of Shadows…something… The knife… Wait! The Old King. The Obsidian Knife. None can stand before the mirror of smoke. They talked about killing the Monarch of Indigo. I assumed that was you.”

Oh God. The Monarch of Indigo. I tried to suppress a shudder at the thought of her. I’ve dated some crazy chicks in my time.

“You don’t know either?”

The Brothers happen into town around the same time as Lenny. Someone ransacks my place, brainwashes Goliath to kill me, some broad hatches a scheme to cheat on the Long Walk. Find the Brothers and their mystic knife and mirror, give them a good scolding, get my balls back and put things right. Time to make a plan.

Lenny began to recite from the Angels’ Private Book of Revelation. “The Age of Creation will be forced to end. The Age of Destruction will follow—”

I raised my fork to cut him off. “Unless we find the One Ring or the magic sword and carry it to the dark castle and slay the dragon, or whatever. Right? Fine. Let’s do this.”

Easier said than done. I was vulnerable. Mortal. Sub-mortal even. I leaned over the table in what I hoped was a dramatic fashion, positioning Lenny’s head so that he could see Goliath and I. “It’s us against the world. Me, the Strongman, and the…uh, Head. We’ve got to fuck those guys before they fuck us. Am I right?”

“I thought you said we were gonna fight,” Goliath spewed through his scrambled eggs. “I don’t do that Greek stuff.”

As I tried to construct a reply to the giant, a shadow loomed over the table. The waitress. “Oh, you’re too slow, miss. Late service, no tip. Should have tried harder.”

Eve chewed the tip of her pen and looked over her shoulder. “I want in.”

“In on what?”

“I heard everything you’ve been talking about.”

I stood up fully and turned Eve away from the group. “I don’t think you want to reveal yourself to these fellows, Eve. Especially Goliath, he talks in his sleep,” I whispered in her ear.

“I want out of here,” she said, a bit too loudly for my taste. “We have a deal!”

“We had a deal,” I growled between my teeth, “but this is different. Besides, how can you help me?”

Eve rested her hands on her hips. “Let’s see. You’re out to save the world, and you’ve got you , an idiot giant, and a head. Between the three of you, you have no idea where to start looking.”

“I need a woman on this trip like I need my liver torn out.”

“You certainly do.”

I tried my best to shoo her away, but she gave Goliath a stern look and elbowed her way further into the booth.

“Uh-oh, looks like a lover ’s spat,” Lenny said. “Can I have some more juice?” Goliath asked. “Will you please leave?” I asked.

Eve answered us all at once. “No.” She tossed her order book down and undid her hair. A faint smell of pears and flowers wafted across the table.

Here’s the thing about Eve:

She’s the only girl in history to ever make me feel a little…well, guilty. She was the first time I fell in love with a lesser being. It was brief, yes. She rejected me when I took on the guise of another man (remember, Adam and Eve were first, but certainly not the only ones). So, I suppose, in some small way, Eve was the reason I thought of the whole tempting thing to begin with. I was trying to be Mr. Impressive. You know, show her that there’s more to life, a whole undiscovered universe out there. But she was loyal to her man. Still is. They’ve been happily married for God knows how long now. Separated, but married. And I think this is the reason she was at the table now. Through a small quirk of fate (one might call it Paternalistic favoritism, or perhaps even discrimination if one were inclined), Adam had made his way into Heaven and Eve was left to wander down here.

Imagine my joy and surprise when she first approached me on the dry plains. I was in one of my rare funks, stewing over my eternal fate, when she padded up silently behind me, gave me a little nudge in the back. We had a few laughs, reminisced about the old times. And, to my horror, I found it actually hurt me how much I’d missed her. I tried to get the old romantic fires lit again, but they hadn’t been properly burning in the first place. I asked Eve what I could do to make things up to her, to make her love me. Love, she told me, would not be an option. Her heart was made for one and only one.

Sickening, isn’t it?

She did, however, tell me there was a way I could atone for my actions. I had essentially taken the Intended World away from the human race with my little gambit. She took me on a tour of the lakes and valleys, the hills and caves. All of the lost, wandering souls, inert, unable to move. She told me to give them what they lost. When I asked her what that was, she replied, “Build them a city. Give them their world back.”

Angel Falls was as close as I could get. She took her place at the restaurant gladly. Anything, she said, to keep her mind off her lost love. She was just so sure that Adam was pining away for her in Heaven. And, in all likelihood, he was. It’s what he was designed to do.

Eve had no anima crystals. Only the memory of the one thing she did wrong, and her punishment was eternal separation from that which made her happy. Her fate, like Cain’s, was handed out by The Boss, and when He says eternal punishment, then He means eternal punishment.[15]

So, Eve did the only thing she could to let out her frustrations: became the underworld’s surliest waitress. We both kept her identity a secret, mainly because the devoutly religious types around here would hound her day and night, what with her being so close to The Boss at the start of everything. She didn’t seem to want to share her true self with others, and I guarded the secret jealously. I suppose it made me feel closer to her, to know her better than anyone else down here could ever hope.

My final promise to her was that if I found a way to get her into Heaven, I wouldn’t hesitate. In return, while she could never love me, if I did such a thing for her, she’d forgive me. That’s eternal. Would that be enough to settle my soul? I’d have to talk to her about it later, when time permitted.

“Helloooo?”

Eve’s voice shook me from my reverie. “I’m sorry, what?” I asked.

“He never listens when a pretty girl is around,” Goliath chuckled.

“Just her,” I muttered under my breath.

“I can find the Historian you need. The Monarch of Indigo,” Eve said. “She’s an old friend.”

“You know her?” I gave a start at the mention of the name. The last thing I wanted was two ex-girlfriends in the same room. Unless it’s happening to someone else.

“If you can find us a driver, I think she’ll have the answers we need.”

“I might know someone,” I smiled. I raised my glass and one for Lenny as well. “To saving the universe again.”

Eve lifted a glass of water from the table. “Here’s to reclaiming lost loves.”

“I don’t know what we’re talking about!” Goliath raised his mug of juice and smiled.

Eve smiled and patted Goliath’s massive shoulder. “Finish your pancakes, sweetie. Then we’re going for a drive.”