Chapter Five

“Snake River Canyon? Hell, I’ve jumped farther than that to snag a bunch of peaches. Did it with my own two legs, too. Yeah, he thought he was impressive with his rocket car, but I showed him.”

Monkey is probably the greatest guy I’ve met in my travels. Also the most annoying. If there’s fun to be had, you can be sure Monkey’s in the middle of it. However, at the end of a long night of said fun, when you’re tired and want to crawl into bed, or perhaps stop drinking or eating or dancing or throwing things at people, Monkey’s still going strong and insisting you do the same.

He’s been down here longer than me, but has always been content to travel and sightsee rather than attempt to rule. Lately, his interest has been cars. He met a few racers and started a little circuit. Depending on which night of the week it is, you’ll find Monkey and his crew on the streets, or at the tracks, or on the vertical stunt ramps. Monkey’s cars are always the fastest, straightest running, lean machines that will literally blow the doors off the competition, and the windows and wheels, and anything made of glass on the surrounding buildings as well. Or so he tells me. His latest conquest was defeating a legendary American daredevil in a game of chance. To the victor go the spoils, and Monkey was proudly wearing his latest trophy. I could go on and on about Monkey, but there was no need, as he had been going on and on about himself for the past twenty minutes.

“Yeah, she was pretty excited after all of that went down. She was keeping these leathers warm for me, if you know what I mean. But I got ‘em back, and I make ‘em look gooood. Soon as I get zipped up, she starts going on and on about wanting to get behind the wheel. So I tell her, ‘When you can peel yourself off the back seat, you can drive.’ And she says, ‘I can’t feel my feet,’ and I’m like, ‘baby it was all me and the seven hands technique!’” Eve rolled her eyes, but couldn’t help laughing at Monkey’s bravado. He kicked back in his newly acquired racing suit. He almost cut an impressive figure, if you think a hairy little monkey wearing Evel Knievel’s patriotic leather PJs is the standard. He perched on the edge of the table and swished his tail against Eve’s hand.

“Did I ever tell you,” he looked at me, “about my time in the Peach Gardens?”

“Yes, about a million times. Great adventure, you ate all of the peaches, blah blah, and now you’re doubly immortal.”

Monkey frowned and turned to Eve. “Doubly Immortal. It’s a week after my failed campaign for godhood, and as a concession, they give me this Peach Garden to watch over, right?”

“I’m married,” Eve said.

Monkey smiled. “No sweat.”

“With children,” Eve continued. “The entire human race as we know it, as a matter of fact.”

Monkey paused and scratched his head. He stared at Goliath, then at me. “So, the world’s coming to an end, huh?” He moved away from Eve and joined the conversation.

“Not if we can help it, furball,” I said.

We were at a table at the top of the Jade Tower in the Forbidden City, taking in some evening Dim Sum as the first sunset started over the central horizon. Goliath, undeterred by the large meal at the The Garden of Eatin’, was tearing through his umpteenth helping of pork rolls.

“The main question is not whether you can save the world without me, because you being the Light Bringer, I know you can. The question ,” Monkey spun once around his barstool, “is whether you would want to save the world without me. I don’t think you do. So the next question is, why should I take time out of my very busy schedule to help you?”

I knew better than to jump into a conversation that Monkey was mostly having with himself.

“I mean, I’ve got the Seven Islands Drag Race tomorrow night, I’ve got the three-strip stock rally across the Lakota Plains this weekend. I’d really have to slow down for you, you know? Come to think of it, why do you need my help anyway? You’re The Man, right?”

“If you’re waiting for me to call you the man, then we’ve got a long night ahead of us, friend.” I smiled at him.

“I never could get you,” Monkey said. “MMfrrddlvvafugcneegorow?” A muffled rumbling came from Goliath’s satchel, causing Monkey to leap onto the narrow chandelier above us.

“Rat!” he screamed, pointing down at the bag.

Goliath tried his best to calm Monkey down. He reached into the bag. “Naw, ‘s’not a rat, it’s just an angel’s head, see?” He yanked Lenny’s head out of the bag by the hair, causing much dropping of forks and spitting of water from the surrounding tables. Monkey responded by fainting dead away from the chandelier and crashing through the table.

So much for stealth and subtlety. I stared down the couples at the surrounding tables, making it clear without saying a word that they were to keep their mouths shut about what they’d just seen.

While Monkey recovered, I arranged Lenny inside of Goliath’s satchel in such a way that when Monkey first woke, he might mistake Lenny for someone who was just slouching under some coats and bags at the table. I brought him up to speed on things as they’d happened so far.

“Well, I know your first problem,” Monkey said, leaning back in his chair. “Lenny’s a trouble magnet.”

“Trouble magnet? How could I possibly cause trouble?” “You’ve got a totally negative spiritual aura thing going on.

Whatever it was that shipped you down here put a marker on you. They want to get to Bright Boy over there. So you, my bodily-challenged friend, are a beacon, calling out to them. And if it’s the Brothers? Man, they’re relentless. First, they set up Goliath to kill you. Their next move, I guarantee you, they’ll have a wind demon flying across town to take your head off.”

“What makes you say that?”

Monkey pointed out the window. Sure enough, a large grey- black beast was flying towards the top floor of our building, its screams rattling the windows of the high rises. Lightning broke behind it. Its wings glowed amber and its mouth was a fiery cavern.

“Pazuzu!” Monkey shouted.

“If that means Holy Shit, then I feel the same way,” Goliath answered.

“No, that’s Pazuzu the wind demon. That guy owes me money!”

“We should probably start heading downstairs before he gets here, don’t you think?” Eve asked.

“Aw great, the woman’s here two minutes and she’s already giving orders,” Goliath mumbled. I barely heard him from the emergency exit as I barreled down the stairs.

The Jade Tower ’s main selling point, the stunning aerial view, also made it notoriously difficult to escape. I huffed and I puffed as we made our way down the first of many dozens of flights of stairs. Around the time we hit the landing for the fiftieth floor, we heard a noise like a delivery truck crashing into the stairwell above us. Tiny flecks of stone and plaster began raining down. The deafening shrieks of the wind demon nearly had us frozen.

Monkey slowed up and then stopped, looking over his shoulder. “Wait,” he panted.

The staircase was a narrow spiral, affording us a brief glimpse of the demon clawing its way over the ledges, wedging its way down floor by floor to devour us. And for a big fella, it was moving fast.

Monkey gathered us round. “We’re far enough ahead now. Pazuzu is big and tough, but it’s dumb as a Philistine—”

“HEY!” Goliath bellowed, backing Monkey into the wall with one massive finger. “Philistines are the best at whatever we do. So you listen to me,” Goliath leaned in close enough to bite Monkey’s nose off. “Nobody is as dumb, or dumber than, a Philistine. You got me?”

Monkey paused. “Yes?”

“That’s better,” Goliath straightened up.

Monkey opened up the door for the forty-eighth floor. “We can cut across the building and take the elevator. It’ll take Pazuzu at least five minutes to realize we’re not on the same stairs as it is.”

“Are you crazy?” Lenny asked. “If it’s tracking me like you said, it’ll feel it the moment I leave the stairwell. And in the elevator we’re trapped. You’d need some sort of decoy to keep him…why are you looking at me that way?”

We all looked at each other, then back at Lenny. Time was getting short.

“He’s invulnerable, right? I mean, his head anyway?” Monkey asked.

“I’m angelic,” Lenny huffed.

Monkey carried Lenny to the center of the stairwell and held him over the ledge. “This might hurt, dude.” With that, he dropped Lenny’s head down the remaining fifty flights of stairs. The scream was louder than the wind demon’s, although we understood his cursing far better.

“My God, you’re cruel!” I said. “What if his skull shatters?” We heard a noise like a bowling ball bouncing on cement, followed by Lenny’s wavering voice. “OoOoooohhhhh…” “Sounds okay to me. Let’s go. We’ve gotta get down there before Pazuzu or he’ll get swallowed,” Monkey said.

Twenty seconds of bad Muzak later, we piled out at the first floor and ran as fast as we could to the staircase. It wasn’t difficult to follow the sounds of Lenny’s screams.

“Someone help me! My Lord in Heaven he’s almost on me! No!”

I sprinted around the corner and yanked the steel door open. Lenny’s head was in perfect condition, although he was obviously quite angry. He scowled at me, then said, “Duck!”

I leaned forward as Pazuzu’s massive fist shattered the wall where my head had been a split second earlier. It was perched upside down in the stairwell above me, its bulk blocking out the view above. I scooped Lenny up and rolled into the corner as the demon took another swipe at me. I stared up into its face.

Pazuzu was hideously ugly, all fangs and spikes, claws and tangled fur. Its eyes were bleeding black, the same necrotic substance that had enchanted Goliath’s sword earlier. Its wings were coated in the stuff. I faked one way, then darted back, sliding underneath one more massive punch as I hustled back into the lobby and sprinted past my colleagues. I spared them a quick glance over my shoulder.

“It’s got the curse. Run or die!” I shouted.

The lobby wall cracked, heaved, and sloughed into the room as Pazuzu slithered through. The tips of its wings left scars in the ceiling as it loped across the lobby. We erupted onto the streets just ahead of the demon. The front wall of the Jade Tower, an impressive façade of fifteen-foot-high green glass windows, exploded onto the street as Pazuzu came tumbling through. Goliath jogged to the street corner and began to wrestle with a street light.

“Now’s not the time to climb trees!” Monkey shouted to him. “Seein’s I don’t have no sword, this’ll hafta do,” Goliath replied. The giant wrenched twice on the light and it cracked at the base. He tucked the broad end of the light under one arm and used the other to steady it like a jousting lance. He cleared his throat. “I ain’t gonna tell you once who I am and what can do,” Goliath roared. “Just know that ya had this comin’!”

Pazuzu screamed, lightning crackling from the tips of its wings. This did little to deter Goliath. The demon lowered its head and crouched, standing its ground. It was easily twice as big as Goliath. Its wings tore chunks from the front of the building with each twitch. These two were drawing quite the crowd. I think the dinner-goers thought it was part of a show to drum up publicity. I spotted Eve crouched near what used to be the front door of the Jade Tower. I hustled over to her and pulled her into the building.

“He’s going to get himself killed,” Eve said.

“He’s tough,” I said. “We should find a safe place to watch the action.”

Pazuzu unleashed a vicious backhand that sent Goliath flying through the front of a fashion store across the street and out the back side.

“…or we should go,” I added.

Pazuzu opened its mouth and screamed in triumph. The call was answered by another ear-shredding squeal. Monkey had arrived in his convertible racer to pull our collective butts out of the fire.

“Get in!” he shouted.

We didn’t need to be asked twice. Eve hopped in shotgun, and I took the backseat, stuffing Lenny’s head down into the footwell. Monkey popped the car into gear and the whole world seemed to vibrate. The engine was so fine-tuned on that thing that each rev of the engine felt like a song in your soul, an extra beating heart in your body. We were running for our lives, but we were running in style.

Monkey peeled away from Pazuzu and sent the car into a drift around the corner. We looped around the block and into the alley behind the fashion store. The plan was to pick up Goliath and keep moving. The Philistine seemed to have other plans. I just saw the back of his head as he stumbled back towards the street.

“He’s going back for more!” Eve shouted.

Monkey grunted once and dropped into a lower gear, threading the car into the hole in the back wall of the store. We sped past mannequins and racks of clothes. I stood on the back seat, bracing myself to grab Goliath and pull him aboard. Monkey obviously had better, some might say smarter, plans. He hit the brakes hard, and I sailed over the windshield and into a display of purses.

“Dumbass! Get in the car!” Monkey shouted.

I started to answer until I realized he was talking to Goliath. “I ain’t done,” Goliath said.

“Only because you’re still breathing. There’ll be time to get him later, let’s go!”

I staggered back to the car and collapsed over the side into the backseat. That…hurt…so…bad! But I couldn’t scream, couldn’t shout, had to stand tall. I was in public. I reached the car and flopped over the side.

“That guy’s a maniac,” Monkey said.

Goliath had torn the legs from two fancy mannequins. These were made of chromed steel, and were as close to swords as he’d find here. If they hadn’t still been clad in neon pink fishnet, Goliath would almost have looked intimidating. He took two bounding steps and was back on the street, bringing two swift roundhouse blows to Pazuzu’s head before rolling away to cover. If nothing else, it got the demon’s attention. Pazuzu spun to face Goliath, sweeping the street with its tail. Large chunks of sidewalk ripped away, revealing pipes and underground conduits. The fight continued down the street, Goliath scoring quick blows while struggling not to be crushed underfoot.

Eve ran towards one of the newly exposed sections of soil. She glanced nervously around, and satisfied that nobody was paying attention, reached down and gently placed her hands into the dirt. Within moments, a narrow tree began to sprout between her cupped hands. It looked like a small evergreen, but the bark was a solid, smooth black. When she was satisfied that it was the right height, she stood and whistled sharply.

“Philistine!” she shouted.

“Busy!” Goliath shouted as he bounced off the front of a building and slumped into the street. One of the mannequin legs was bent into a useless J-shape, and the other didn’t look like it would last much longer. Pazuzu, on the other hand, seemed to be enjoying the workout.

I stepped in front of Eve. “Nice parlor trick, but I don’t think this is the time for Better Underworld Gardens, do you?” Here I thought she’d just tended the gardens on Earth, and it turned out she was quite the green thumb.

Eve pointed towards the tree she had made. “This’ll take him down a notch. He’s an elemental. Fire with fire, you know?”

“I guess,” I said.

An echoing roar filled the space behind us as Monkey started his car. “Is it time to go yet?”

The wind demon shrieked, sending a vortex through the decimated store. We took cover behind Monkey’s car as anything not bolted down turned into a projectile.

“My paint job! I’ve got a race coming up, you jerk!” Monkey howled.

Goliath had been across the street watching Pazuzu’s assault. He hobbled towards Eve’s tree, which had survived the assault unharmed. Perhaps there was something to her magic after all.

Pazuzu crouched and tried to force its head into the store. Its shoulders were too broad to fit, but the wall was giving way quickly. We could feel the car rocking each time its shout battered the door. The demon shoved again and a large section of the storefront gave way, allowing it to reach one arm inside. It hooked a finger over the car door and began to pull. Three quick tugs later, the car went sailing across the store, leaving us open for the demon to finish off.

“If anyone has a thought as to how to kill that thing,” I whispered, “now would be a great time to act.” “I’m more of a joker,” Monkey said.

“I’ve got nothing,” Eve said.

“We’re dead,” Lenny said.

Then, from outside the store, “Hey ugly! I said I ain’t done yet!”

Pazuzu gave one angry grunt, then started to pull itself out of the store to deal with the Philistine Who Would Not Die. Unfortunately (for the demon), it had lodged itself into the opening a little too tightly. Not that it would have mattered, because a few moments after Goliath’s challenge, the wind demon gave a startled shriek and collapsed to the ground. Blood spilled from its mouth.

“You can come out now, you pansies!” Goliath yelled.

“He won?” Monkey asked.

“Of course, I won! This was nothing!” Goliath roared.

With Pazuzu blocking the front entrance, we had to exit through the back of the building and walk around the block to see the outcome. We found a crowd gathered around the tail of the demon. Perched high on the beast’s rump was Goliath, bathed in blood, cut and bruised, his smile down by a tooth or two, one hand still wrapped around the shaft of Eve’s tree.

“Are you sure you won?” Monkey asked.

“The creature was never a match for me, you understand,” Goliath boasted. “Creatures like this, you’ve got to let them romp a bit, get their blood flowing.”

“You couldn’t have speared him a minute sooner?” Monkey yelled. “My car is trashed!”

“We’ll find another ride,” I said.

“How dare you! There’ll never be another like her!”

“Oh God, you’re one of those guys?” Eve asked.

“Listen, toots, that car was the finest piece of machinery in the underworld, hands down.”

“So you’ll find another. And you’ll make it rock like only you can, right?” I asked.

“It’s not the same,” Monkey kicked at a chunk of building. With Lenny’s head tucked under my arm, I walked towards the demon’s rear end. “He could trace you. Maybe you can trace him. Can you get any kind of reading on him? Know where he came from, who sent him?”

Lenny closed his eyes and took a deep breath, producing an odd whistling noise as the wind rushed through his mouth and out of his neck stump.

“Must you continue doing things like that?” I asked.

“Oh, you mean breathing? I’m sorry, force of habit. It’s just something you do when you have a body!”

“You’re not going to let that go, are you?”

“He’s not gonna say anything,” Monkey snarled.

“That’s because I killed him!” Goliath exclaimed.

“Yes, thank you. Mystery solved.” Monkey shuffled his feet. “Can’t believe we’re walking. I hope nobody sees me.”

Lenny trembled; a mild golden light started to gather around his eyes.

“It was one of her tests,” he said. “Pull out its eyes. You’ll find an anima crystal somewhere in its skull.”

Goliath shrugged, all too happy to do more dirty work. He hefted Eve’s spear into the corner of Pazuzu’s eye socket and pried. A loose, wet shifting sound, like a lizard laying eggs, and one eye dislodged from its socket, hanging by a thick rope of muscle and tendon. Goliath reared back his right hand and punched into the wind demon’s skull, rooting around in grey matter and mucus. “Nothing on this side.”

Within minutes, the other eye had dislodged, Pazuzu now looked like Tex Avery’s acid nightmare crumpled by the building. Goliath hopped from foot to foot, juggling a shining wet orb.

“Got it! It’s freezin’!”

He laid it on the ground. Monkey and Eve stared at it.

“Blank,” they said.

They were wrong. It was cold, bright, swimming with colors. It was painting pictures for me, showing me deserts, mountains, and a familiar blonde girl. I reached down and picked up the crystal. It felt like gel in my fingers, spongy and malleable.

My vision started to go grey at the edges. I looked at my colleagues. “S’not cold. S’burning. Bright blue waters…” The world went dark before turning bright blue. I hovered hundreds of feet above the lake of tears, descending on a lone girl walking through the sand…