PRACTICE 12
ARE YOU MORE INCLINED TO INITIALLY DISTRUST OTHERS THAN TO TRUST THEM?
If so, you may want to consider
PRACTICE 12: EXTEND TRUST.
When you don’t extend trust, your room may feel like Sartre’s hell because:
• You lose the passion and engagement of others.
• You’re convinced you need to micromanage everything and, therefore, lose valuable time.
• You limit possibilities and minimize opportunities for great relationships at work and home.
Rick was the vice president of marketing for a medium-size technology company, and had just received approval to make a short video to highlight the key features and benefits of their latest product. He contacted a friend of his who had produced a number of award-winning videos in his organization, and was given the name of a local production company his friend highly recommended. Rick invited Alyssa, his senior marketing manager, to reach out to the vendor, sharing the project’s scope and budget. The vendor responded positively that they could accomplish what Rick needed, and sent samples of their work.
“These guys are really good,” Alyssa announced at their weekly team meeting. She had sent the examples to the team so everyone had a chance to review their work. “Did you notice all the awards they’ve won?”
“Plus, they know our budget and are willing to work within it,” another of Rick’s team members added. But Rick was hesitant.
“I’m just not sure,” Rick announced. His team was a bit perplexed by his reaction.
“Is there some criterion they’re falling short on?” Alyssa asked.
“Not really,” Rick answered. “It’s just important that we get it right.”
“How about we get some references from former clients?” another team member asked. Rick agreed, and Alyssa sent the request. Over the next week, they received numerous reviews from a variety of clients, all of whom spoke highly of the production team and their work. Rick remained hesitant, however.
“I’m just not there yet,” he told his team.
Wondering if the issue was around the price, Alyssa proposed a budget that was slightly lower than the vendor’s standard rate, suggesting that it would be a way to earn trust and future business. The vendor agreed to make the concession in good faith, but when Rick was given the news, he still remained unconvinced.
“We’re starting to push up against our production deadline,” Alyssa told him.
“I understand. Are there more examples I can look at?”
“Um, I’m sure there are . . .”
“And why don’t you talk to a few more customers while you’re at it,” Rick continued.
With the deadline looming, Alyssa returned to her office. She stared at her computer, having a difficult time composing the next email to the vendor. “We’ve seen their work, we’ve heard from their clients, and they’ve reduced their price. So, what in the world is Rick waiting for?”
• • •
If you recall from the “Take Stock of Your Emotional Bank Accounts” practice, trust is the ultimate outcome of investing in others. In the “Behave Your Way to Credibility” practice, we learned that high character and competence are essential for realizing trust. Simply put, when it comes to relationships, trust matters. In fact, it’s essential. This practice is not only about trust being a belief in someone, it’s also about putting that belief into action. Trust, to be fully realized, must be extended to others.
If you chart trust as a continuum, on one extreme is distrust and suspicion. Here, you find Rick, who requires people to go overboard proving themselves before he’ll even consider giving up control or moving forward. On the other side is blind trust and gullibility. Here, you find people like my aunt who almost gave an anonymous caller her Social Security number in order to receive the Mediterranean cruise, new car, and amazing spending account she’d just won. (Fortunately, my niece overheard the call and intercepted before any damage was done.)
While occasionally, some of us teeter on either extreme, most of us land somewhere in the middle. But from watching and coaching people over the past few decades, I’ve concluded that the majority of relationship snags are rarely caused by people trusting too much; they’re caused by people trusting too little.
Many factors contribute to people being distrustful of others. We may have learned to be suspicious because of our family of origin. Maybe our cultural and social conditioning gave us reasons to mistrust. For instance, a good friend of mine grew up learning to mistrust others as a general rule. One day in the car with her parents and two sisters, her mother announced, “The only people you can trust in the world are in the car right now. Never forget that.” My friend has spent most of her life trying to overcome that original conditioning. Certainly, what we hear, read, or watch can breed more fear than trust, and can work to shut down a natural, trusting heart.
My experience leads me to believe that the most common reason we mistrust is because of past negative experiences. It’s usually life’s emotional trip-ups that cause us to withhold our trust. When my friend Kurt was five years old, he was in his backyard playing with a neighbor’s new dog. In his enthusiasm, Kurt pulled too hard on the dog’s collar, hurting and startling the dog. This action caused the dog to lunge toward Kurt and bite him on the face. Terrified by the sudden turn of events, Kurt ran home screaming and bleeding. His mom rushed him to the emergency room where he later left with fifteen stitches and a big bruise under his right eye. As a result of that highly impactful and negative experience, Kurt adopted a strong belief: All dogs are dangerous and shouldn’t be trusted. From that day forward, Kurt avoided all dogs. And even though he knows his belief isn’t universally true, at fifty-eight years old today, he still avoids eye contact with a teacup poodle.
How many of us have adopted similar beliefs to Kurt’s—only with people? Perhaps you’ve been burned in a previous job by a boss or business partner, or had a terrible experience in a past relationship. Or maybe you just get overwhelmed by the constant stories in the news about the corruption around the globe. Perhaps, like Kurt, you have concluded that it isn’t safe to trust. Regardless of the reason, once we develop a suspicious worldview (especially one that originated in a strong emotional experience), we tend to look at everything through that lens. If someone has burned us in the past, it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that no one should be trusted. It can negatively color our perceptions when we meet someone new, and if the propensity not to trust runs deep, it may justify our ongoing disassociation and mistrust of people and their motives. Of course, maintaining an element of caution is vital to living safely and securely. Living at either end of the trust continuum can make life difficult for ourselves and those around us.
Abraham Lincoln said, “If you trust, you will be disappointed occasionally, but if you mistrust, you will be miserable all the time.” This maxim proved true for Don, a manager I worked with a few years ago, who spent a tremendous amount of time and energy hiring two writers to accommodate the department’s ever-growing product demands. Within six months, it was obvious that neither person had the aptitude necessary for the job, and he had to let them go. Investing in these newly hired people for several months at a critical time in the business caused a great deal of emotional upheaval for him and his team, as well as significant productivity loss.
Stung by the experience, Don started to be suspicious of every candidate he interviewed thereafter, and thus became so concerned about vetting for the perfect hire that he went outside of the standard hiring practices employed by the company. Assuming that more opinions would alleviate mistakes, he made every potential candidate go through several rounds of interviews, on top of the three rounds of interviews already conducted by the recruiting team.
While there were reasons for Don’s mistrust, his suspicion of all candidates and the recruitment process came at a high cost. The additional interviews increased the length of the hiring process by several months. He lost many well-qualified candidates because they received other offers, and the lack of staff resulted in missing critical deadlines.
When it came to my attention that several positions in his department had been open for over six months, I met with Don to have a transparent conversation. “I know you’re aware that you’re short-staffed and it’s impacting other areas of the company that are dependent on your production. I’d like to share something with you that may help. Given your recent experience with two hires not working out, I understand your reluctance to use our existing recruitment and vetting processes. But may I share with you a little bit more about how our recruitment teams screen candidates before they ever get to you?”
I went on to explain the rigorous process already in place and how it had yielded some of our best talent. As he listened to me explain the thorough vetting process, I could see him starting to feel more comfortable. By the end of our conversation, he agreed to follow the process others were using. More important, he saw that by not extending trust, he was slowing things down; and his team, and those who depended on them, were paying the price. He realized that if he hired faster, he could also identify and replace any mismatched hires more quickly, if needed.
No matter how hard we try, sometimes people just don’t work out. And because we’re all human, we’re bound to disappoint each other occasionally. However, when we lead with suspicion, we automatically put the relationship at a disadvantage, either stunting its potential or abandoning it altogether. If you want a glimpse into Sartre’s hell, consider an eternity surrounded by people who never learn to trust each other.
Sierra had worked for two years in her organization’s human resources department. In their regular one-on-one meeting, Sierra’s boss, Janeen, told Sierra how much potential she saw in her. She committed to mentor Sierra and give her the experiences she needed to advance her career. Elated by the vote of confidence, Sierra rose to the occasion; she did everything she could to live up to her boss’s expectations.
For the next several months, Janeen was a great ally. She continued to extend trust to Sierra, increasing her responsibilities and visibility in the organization. Janeen and other members of the leadership team soon began to see Sierra as a viable candidate, should Janeen retire or be promoted.
After a few years of working together, Janeen confided in Sierra during one of their weekly meetings, “I learned a big lesson last week, and I think you could benefit from hearing about it. If you can learn from my mistake and avoid making a similar one, I think you’d be the better for it.” Janeen went on to share that she had overestimated her ability to prepare several new reports for the annual board of directors meeting the week before. She’d assumed (incorrectly, as it turned out) that her years of experience would allow her to absorb the data the new reports needed to include. So instead of prioritizing this critical task, she figured her smarts would save the day, and allowed less important, pressing matters to stand in the way of allocating sufficient preparation time. As a result, not only were the reports late, but they weren’t completely accurate and lacked the level of detail the board required. Janeen’s poor judgment put her boss, the CEO, in a very awkward situation. He pulled Janeen aside and gave her an earful after the meeting.
“This is a difficult mistake for me to admit,” she continued. “I shouldn’t have been so cavalier about preparing those reports. I should have taken the time to understand just how much work was involved. But I’m hoping you can learn from it and never find yourself in a similar situation.”
Sierra was surprised—and impressed. Her boss had been transparent and vulnerable. Janeen wasn’t obligated to share this information or extend this type of trust to her, but she did. Sierra’s respect for Janeen increased substantially that day. She learned from Janeen that not only was it safe to make mistakes under her leadership, but that Janeen’s trust was strong enough to allow her to admit a mistake to help Sierra grow.
Loyalty can’t exist without trust. Sue, a colleague and good friend of mine, wrote about this principle in her book The Ultimate Competitive Advantage.12 When she was a key executive in the McDonald’s Corporation, she met often with Ray Kroc, its founder. She recounted the following story to me: “There were times that Ray couldn’t pay his suppliers within the thirty-day window. Cash flow was always an issue in the early days of building the Golden Arches into a global brand. So Ray sat down with a key soft-drink supplier and explained that he may sometimes be late with a payment, but promised he would always pay, which he did.
“The abundant way the soft-drink company responded created a deep loyalty in Ray. He promised them he would never change providers. They shook hands on the deal. And to this day, McDonald’s remains with the company. I learned about the extent of his loyalty personally when I was driving with Ray. He found a package of competing soda in my car. He explained how important that handshake deal had been to him—how helpful their long-standing provider had been when he was struggling to keep the business alive.
“He then asked me how I could possibly buy something from a competitor. When I explained that I enjoyed the somewhat sweeter taste, he smiled and said there must be something wrong with my taste buds. Not long after, a delivery truck pulled up in front of my Chicago apartment to deliver a year’s supply of a foreign version of the vendor’s drinks, with multiple bows and a big card from Ray that read, ‘The European formula is sweeter than the U.S. formula. No excuses, Sue. Ask for more when you need it. We are loyal to our partners, and I am loyal to you.’ By trusting Ray Kroc, the soft-drink company gained its largest and most profitable customer forever.”
So how do you know whether or not you should extend trust? In my experience, the best approach is always to start with a high propensity to trust, then follow it up with three quick assessments. It’s a combination of using both your head and your heart.
1. Assess the situation. First, identify and consider what you’re trusting the person to do: To deliver a weekly report to you on time? To win an important legal case? To sell software? To build a rocket? To honor and cherish you until death do you part?
2. Assess the risk. Second, assess the potential risks: What happens if the person to whom you’ve extended trust fails, underperforms, gives up, gets distracted, or missteps? Are the stakes for failure high, or can you tolerate a learning curve? Be realistic and objective here.
3. Assess the credibility. Finally, assess the character and competence of the person to whom you’re extending trust. Do you trust that person to be honest and follow through (character)? Does he or she have the experience or skillset necessary for the task at hand (competence)? If not, does the person have the discipline and drive to grow into it?
Once you’ve made the three assessments, you can better determine where your trust should fall on the trust continuum:
• If the risk is relatively low and the credibility of the person is high, by all means, extend trust.
• If the risk is high and the credibility is low, you may need to slow down the process, modify your plan, and work with the person to increase his or her skills before you extend trust. In some cases, even when the credibility is solid, the risk may be too high to immediately extend trust.
You’ll want to make these assessments as quickly as possible so that you avoid any risk of extending trust in a situation that doesn’t warrant it. For instance, we recently hired someone in our creative-services division with the expectation that he would mentor others in several state-of-the-art graphic-design programs. Within a month, we realized that, while he knew the programs peripherally, he wasn’t nearly as proficient with them as we needed him to be. While he had good character, we hadn’t done our due diligence to assess the risk thoroughly enough. We overestimated what we assumed were advanced skills in specific design programs. We ended up wasting valuable time and resources finding a new role for him and replacing him with other talent.
The better we assess, the less likely we will misplace our trust. But absent significant reasons for holding back, there are benefits for having a propensity to trust versus to distrust. Consider the story of Maria. After moving from her native country, Colombia, she was hired as a receptionist in one branch of a large auto dealership and had no education or training past high school. As the weeks went by, Maria started coming in late to work. Larry, her boss, decided to speak with her and find out why. He learned that Maria enjoyed her job and working with people, but she was a single mother who needed to drop her kids off at day care before starting the work day. She told him it wasn’t an excuse, but getting the children ready each morning could cause delays in her schedule. She committed that she would find a way to make it work. So Larry decided to extend her his trust: “I believe in you,” he told her. “You have talent, and you’re good with the public. But I need you to be here. If you continue to be late, I’ll need to let you go. But if you show up consistently on time in the future, I promise I will help you make a career here.”
Before he made any decision, Larry took the time to assess the situation. Rather than simply issue her a warning, he sat down with her to better understand what was going on. By doing so, he learned a bit more about Maria and her challenges. He also considered the risks: Given the nature of the job, there were likely many candidates who could fill the role. If he extended trust and she was late again, it wouldn’t bring the organization down. It was important that she show up on time, but the consequences for not doing so were minimal. Finally, Larry assessed Maria’s character and competence. He learned she was motivated to keep her job and provide for her children, but she also didn’t try to excuse her tardiness. She had committed to figure it out, which said a lot about who she was and her confidence in her abilities.
Maria made some changes with her morning routine and showed up the next day on time. She was never late again. Larry took note of her dedication and how skillfully she interacted with customers to build rapport. He knew his trust hadn’t been misplaced, and he suspected there was even more that Maria could do. After several months, she asked him to consider her for a promotion in the customer-advocacy department. Even though she was a good worker, the differences between her previous job and this new, more demanding environment might be too much of a struggle for her.
Larry took time to assess again. While she may not have had the depth of understanding or knowledge about how to resolve the types of customer complaints that would be necessary in the new job, he knew other employees were willing to mentor her. And while her lack of experience put her at a disadvantage from her peers, he had plenty of evidence that she was a quick learner and skillful when dealing with people. He committed to provide a safe environment in which she could make mistakes and learn. Maria took off! It was the exact right fit, and she far exceeded everyone’s expectations. She eventually became the manager of the entire customer-advocacy department.
Now, you probably think that’s the end of the story, but it’s not. When a position became available in Maria’s department, she recommended Jose, a young high-school graduate who had no training. Like Larry had done with her, she considered the young man’s credibility. Despite his lack of experience, she sensed his willingness to learn and knew from references that he had a terrific work ethic. Like Maria, Jose excelled! She ultimately hired him as her executive assistant, paying it forward.
Extending trust is a matter of the head and the heart. While you start with a high propensity to trust, you must follow it up with a diligent assessment of the credibility of the person to determine whether or not to extend trust.
Sometimes no matter how hard you try, you can’t prove yourself to someone who withholds trust. While you can’t change someone’s propensity to trust or distrust, you can certainly influence it. You can invite the person to extend trust by proactively working to increase your own credibility—your character and competence. (See “Practice 3: Behave Your Way to Credibility.”)
An entrepreneurial friend of mine, Alan, started his own business in an office that consisted of a card table and a bedsheet hanging over his basement window. He had the chance to become a vendor for a large technology company. Alan proposed he produce the company’s multimedia sales training, but he had little credibility in the eyes of the company’s vice president.
“Have you ever worked with a company our size?” the VP asked my friend on a call a mutual acquaintance had set up.
“No, sir, not yet,” Alan replied.
“Have you had experience developing sales training for our industry?”
“Not yet,” Alan said. You can imagine how the rest of the conversation went. My friend was hoping the organization would trust him to take on a significant project, but the odds of the vice president making the switch were about zero to none. Alan realized that he needed to prove himself and show that he had the competence to help their organization.
“Do you perhaps have a smaller project I could take on for you?” Alan asked the vice president. “Something low-risk? I’d cut my fees to simply cover the costs. I’m confident that if you give me a chance, you’ll be thrilled with what I produce.”
The vice president was intrigued, and since the risk (and expense) was low, he decided to give Alan the opportunity. Alan poured his time and talents into making a twenty-minute training video unlike any the company had ever seen before. The vice president was impressed and invited my friend to take on a slightly larger project. And so it went, bit by bit, Alan proving his competence and character along the way. In fewer than six months, the vice president signed a large and exclusive contract, placing his trust completely with my friend and his fledgling company. (Things went so well, Alan went out and bought a new card table.)
Sometimes, earning trust takes a dogged determination to prove your credibility one small step at a time. If you find yourself in such a situation, don’t be afraid to schedule a conversation with the individual from whom you need trust. Simply ask, “What do you need to see from me to earn your trust?” And while this may seem obvious, it’s often so obvious that we fail to do it. Once you’re clear on the other person’s expectations, follow through on modeling the identified behaviors and check in regularly. You can often earn someone’s trust if you’re willing to invest in the process.
There’s risk in everything. Even after thoroughly assessing, you can get burned by people to whom you’ve extended great trust. It’s happened to me on occasion and it hurts. But I still believe there’s so much more to be gained by leading with trust over suspicion. It was the lesson Rick and his marketing team were about to learn.
• • •
With the deadline looming, the senior manager returned to her office. She stared at her computer, having a difficult time composing the next email to the vendor. “We’ve seen their work, we’ve heard from their clients, and they’ve reduced their price. So, what in the world is Rick waiting for?”
During the next team meeting, the senior manager shared the update with the marketing team. “As Rick requested, the vendor sent us more examples and names of clients for us to talk to. I’ve received the same feedback from the latest clients, all of whom were pleased with the work and would hire the vendor again.” She paused, swallowing and looking slightly embarrassed. “Rick also asked me to push on their latest bid and reduce the amount by four hundred dollars.”
“Aren’t we past the project’s start date?” one of the team members asked.
“Technically, yes,” Rick interjected, “but I’m sure once we’ve made a decision, they can make the time up.”
“Well, maybe not . . .” the senior sales manager added. All eyes turned to her.
“Is there a problem?” Rick asked.
The senior manager looked down at her cellphone. “I just got word . . . the vendor’s been booked for a large project and won’t be available for four to five months.”
“Four to five months?” Rick repeated. “We can’t possibly wait that long.”
There was an awkward silence as the team members stared at each other from around the table. The entire deadline was now at risk, and the marketing department’s reputation was likely to get a black eye. Rick sighed, “And here I was, almost ready to pull the trigger. Now you see why I have a hard time trusting people!”