PRACTICE 15
HAS YOUR LACK OF HUMILITY EVER HELD YOU BACK FROM GETTING BETTER? WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW IF IT HAD?
If so, you may want to consider
PRACTICE 15: START WITH HUMILITY.
If you don’t start with humility, your room may feel like Sartre’s hell because:
• Your ego keeps you continuously looking for external validation that never satisfies.
• You’re the topic of side conversations (and not in a good way).
• You miss opportunities to learn because you rarely listen to anybody but yourself.
Now that we’re in the final chapter, I have a confession to make. This book wasn’t the first I had intended to write. Some years ago I came up with an idea for a leadership book. It was an energizing idea—one for which I had tremendous personal passion. I already began formulating the structure of the book, the narrative flow, and other foundational elements. As I was consumed with putting this work together, the book’s title suddenly became clear. I hurried to my computer to purchase the domain in preparation for everything to follow. The topic was humility and, specifically, how the best leaders practice humility in their day-to-day interactions. I wanted to write about people who not only achieved success in their roles but inspired and lifted others along the way, making meaningful impressions on everyone with whom they interacted. With all these ideas in mind, I continued to search for the domain that reflected the exact title of my forthcoming book: Lead With Humility. When I finished typing and sent my search hurling into the corridors of the internet, what came back stopped me short. I stared at the computer in disbelief—not only was there a book already written called Lead with Humility, but it had been written by Pope Francis himself!
I sat back in my chair and pondered this new development. It looked like I had a decision to make . . .
• • •
“HUMILITY IS LIKE UNDERWEAR; ESSENTIAL, BUT INDECENT IF IT SHOWS.”
—HELEN NIELSEN, AMERICAN TELEVISION WRITER
Take a moment and consider the most humble person you know. Perhaps it is someone in your family or community, or someone you are currently working with or have worked with in the past, or even someone you’ve admired from afar. Now think of that person within the context of the fourteen practices outlined so far in this book:
1. Wear Glasses That Work: Is their view of the world driven largely by external forces or by an internal compass?
2. Carry Your Own Weather: Can they find calm, even in the midst of life’s storms?
3. Behave Your Way to Credibility: Do they walk their talk?
4. Play Your Roles Well: Do they tend to be authentic in what they say and do?
5. See the Tree, Not Just the Seedling: Can they see beyond the now?
6. Avoid the Pinball Syndrome: Are they good at resisting the temptation of the urgent?
7. Think We, Not Me: Do they look for shared wins?
8. Take Stock of Your Emotional Bank Accounts: Do they invest in others?
9. Examine Your Real Motives: Are they motivated by uplifting rather than diminishing the human condition?
10. Talk Less, Listen More: Do they seek first to understand rather than to reply?
11. Get Your Volume Right: Do they find appropriate ways to draw upon their strengths?
12. Extend Trust: Are they generous and wise when trusting others?
13. Make It Safe to Tell the Truth: Do they allow you to feel comfortable being candid and transparent?
14. Align Inputs With Outputs: Do their behaviors lead to the outcomes they want?
When I think about the people who have cultivated humility and made it an important part of their lives, it’s easy for me to answer yes to the majority, if not all, of the questions listed. Above all other character qualities, humility is foundational. It’s like salt—it brings out the best flavor of each character quality required for creating effective relationships. The word itself comes from the Latin humilis, which literally means “low.” But it doesn’t express itself as weakness, fear, or timidity. In his book Humility: An Unlikely Biography of America’s Greatest Virtue, Dr. David Bobb writes that “In reality, humility is strength, not weakness. Humility enables courage and points wisdom in the right direction. It is the backbone of temperance, and it makes love possible.”
Those who are humble have a secure sense of self—their validation doesn’t come from something external, but is based on their true nature. To be humble means to shed one’s ego, because the authentic self is much greater than looking good, needing to have all the answers, or being recognized by one’s peers. As a result, those who have cultivated humility as an attribute have far greater energy to devote to others. They go from being consumed with themselves (an inner focus) to looking for ways to contribute and help others (an outer focus). Humility is the key to building solid character and strong, meaningful connections.
So humility isn’t . . .
• Low self-esteem (thinking you’re less than others).
• Low courage (not speaking your mind).
• Ongoing self-deprecation.
Humility is what allows me to say, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake.” Humility is what prompts me to think, “What’s going on with my co-worker today? Do they need my help?”
Humility is what invites me to step back and make sure everyone in the room receives credit, not just me. Humility is what inspires me to donate my time and resources to a good cause. Humility tells me that no matter how successful I am, I didn’t do it on my own. Humility allows me to give my full attention to people when they’re talking. It reminds me that I’ve been talking for the last thirty minutes and need to give others air time. Humility helps me feel happy about someone else’s success. Humility keeps me curious—in a state of continuous learning. Humility is why I treat the front receptionist with the same respect as I treat the CEO. Humility helps me forgive, even when the person who’s wronged me hasn’t apologized or asked for forgiveness. Humility tells me there are many right solutions to solving the same problem. Humility invites me to pay it forward. Humility makes me feel grateful for who I am and what I have. Humility prompts me to ask for help when I need it. Humility helps me stop worrying about myself and start thinking about others. Humility allows me to let go of a hurt feeling. Humility gives me courage to be honest with a co-worker in a respectful way. Humility is the wisdom needed to accurately assess my strengths and weaknesses. Humility reminds me to be patient with myself and others, and to know that we are all in the process of getting better. Humility tells me that while I’m important, I’m only one part of a much bigger picture.
“DO YOU WISH TO RISE? BEGIN BY DESCENDING. YOU PLAN A TOWER THAT WILL PIERCE THE CLOUDS? LAY FIRST THE FOUNDATION OF HUMILITY.”
—ST. AUGUSTINE
Humility has the power to influence nearly every aspect of your personality. Does that sound like a bit of a stretch? Consider self-control, a trait that is seemingly unrelated to humility. Can humility serve to increase willpower? Researchers conducted a study to answer that very question. They asked a group of volunteers to talk about a time when they felt humble. The researchers listened to their stories, then invited the participants to wait in an adjoining room. It was an ordinary waiting room with couches, chairs, and coffee tables. On each table was a big bowl of candy. By this time, the participants thought they were just waiting for the next part of the study; but the waiting room was the next part of the study. The researchers took note of the group’s behavior for a time and then dismissed them.
Then they took a second group of participants and asked them to describe a normal day in their lives. When the session ended, the second group was asked to wait in the next room, also supplied with candy. The result: The people who had been asked to describe a time when they were humble ate far fewer pieces of candy! While only 12 percent of the control group abstained from eating candy, 40 percent of the “humble” group ate no candy at all.
After repeating the experiment many times, the researchers came to a remarkable conclusion: People in a humble state of mind are better at self-control.17 The same set of researchers found that humility can also lead to greater physical stamina and an increased ability to persevere when the going gets tough. And if that’s not enough, other researchers went on to find a link between humility and being able to hang on to self-esteem18 in times of failure, as well as an increased ability to develop stronger social bonds.19
As you can see, humility is far from weakness. It allows us to push aside pride, ego, and selfishness while lifting nearly every other important virtue to greater heights.
When talking about work, we rarely use the word humility. It’s like people are afraid to talk about it—as if it were the enemy of what it takes to be noticed, promoted, and to succeed. The research, however, says something quite different. According to Professor Mike Austin, Ph.D., professor of philosophy at Eastern Kentucky University, people who are high in humility “lack self-absorption, so they have more courage to try new things. That really frees them up to take risks. . . . They’re not paralyzed with a fear of failure because that’s not their chief concern.” Without failure, innovation stalls. According to Edward D. Hess, Professor of Business Administration at the Darden Graduate School of Business, “Failure is a necessary part of the innovation process because from failure comes learning, iteration, adaptation, and the building of new conceptual and physical models. . . . Almost all innovations are the result of prior learning from failures.”20 To be humble is to be willing to fail in the pursuit of a noble goal. Why does humility express itself in this way? Dr. Austin continues: “Humble people have a habit of thinking about their values when they make choices . . . [They] are more concerned with what is right than being right.” Humility allows us to strip away our ego, to suppress the need to be visibly right at every turn, and to take the longer view.
I have known and worked with those who have demonstrated amazing leadership, including someone I’ll call Paige, who is the model of humility. More often than not, she has a terrific solution to a problem, but instead of grandstanding or arguing for it, she listens to everyone first and then offers her thoughts. She never refers to a proposed solution as her idea. She actually deflects praise. In one meeting, a colleague asked her, “Tell us about that great idea you mentioned last week.”
“Actually, I’d like Randee to tell you about it,” she replied. “She’s the one who came up with it.”
When others are walking out the door at the end of the day, she notices those who are staying to work overtime on a project. More than once I’ve seen Paige put down her briefcase and call her family. “Hey, I’m going to be just a little late tonight.” She rolls up her sleeves and pitches in to help, but she’s no pushover.
Like all managers, Paige deals with performance issues on her staff. In another meeting with her, a colleague started playing the victim. He spent fifteen minutes complaining about the extra hours he’s put in each day, the personal sacrifices he’s made, and how little he is recognized for his efforts. He got increasingly heated as his complaints continued.
To which Paige responded, “I hope you know I appreciate your talents and what you contribute. Frankly, I’m struggling to understand your perspective and what you’re saying. Wasn’t I just copied on an email from your regional manager outlining how much he appreciated your effort? And haven’t I recognized you publicly on several occasions? You’ve also been in the room when your name came up each time we mentioned the dedicated people we have at the company. So please help me understand what you mean when you say you’re not recognized?” It was a perfect balance of courage and consideration, a turning point in the meeting.
This capable, humble leader continues to advance in her career, gaining more and more influence. Ironically, she’s the last one you’d see seeking a promotion. Conversely, I’ve seen people who so badly want influence and control that they end up tripping over their own pride and getting in the way of their own growth and advancement.
There are costs for not putting humility into practice. In a former company, I worked with a very talented man who was continually being passed over for team assignments, projects, and client opportunities he wanted to a be part of for the simple reason that he was too egotistical. His language was often self-referential: “Here’s what I did . . .” “I was the first one to land that deal.” “I actually started that project.” Once, when someone was being recognized for an innovative contribution, he said to a colleague, “So-and-so talks about that as if it were her idea, but it was actually mine.”
You may have worked with someone like this—the person who is the embodiment of the joke “Well that’s enough about me, let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?” When one’s ego grows too large or is left unchecked by governors like humility, the price can be huge. In Jim Collins’ Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap . . . and Others Don’t, he found that “In over two-thirds of comparison cases (average/good companies), we noted the presence of a gargantuan personal ego that contributed to the demise or continued mediocrity of the company.” There’s little doubt in my mind that such underperforming organizations were ripe with damaged, strained, and broken relationships. When a leader abandons humility, the costs are systemic. Interestingly enough, Collins went on to report that humility was one of the two characteristics he routinely found in leaders who could transform organizations into something great. (The other characteristic was intense professional will.)
I saw a meaningful example of humility in a top sales leader some years ago who received a significant bonus for his amazing revenue results. He called to let me know he appreciated the award, but wanted to see if, through payroll, he could reallocate the money equally among his five team members instead of taking it himself. “I would never have come close to hitting my revenue projection if it hadn’t been for those five people,” he said. He went on to name each member of his team, detailing how each one had uniquely contributed to the sales process. I replied by letting him know how much I admired his request to recognize his people. But I also explained that because of the written pay plans and legal guidelines, we couldn’t reallocate the money he’d earned to his team members. He could, however, gift his team the money after he received his payment.
“But remember, you will have paid taxes on that income before you give it away,” I reminded him. He didn’t even hesitate.
“Great, I’ll do that!”
Don’t get me wrong, humility isn’t about parting with your money. (If that were the case, Las Vegas might be the humblest city on earth.) It’s the attitude of having an outward focus that makes the difference. I also suspect that one of the primary reasons this sales leader’s team performed so well was because he made humility a primary attribute when relating to each member. As I’ve said before, an organization’s greatest competitive advantage isn’t just its people per se, but the quality of the relationships between them.
Although this is the last chapter of the book, it’s titled “Start With Humility” because every practice I’ve illustrated benefits from obtaining, cultivating, and being mindful of this foundational attribute. And while starting with humility is key, revisiting and recalibrating your humility on a regular basis is equally important. It should accompany every practice, every paradigm, and every moment of thoughtful introspection designed to strengthen our relationships, which is why I’m including the “Get Better” application inside the body of this last practice rather than at the end, to gently but directly invite you to take this practice to heart. While you don’t need to complete the application now, read through the instructions and questions that follow. Give each practice some real thought and note how humility influences each one. Then decide when might be the best time to apply it in the upcoming days or weeks.
For the next fourteen weeks, choose one practice to apply. Make Practice 15: Start With Humility the foundation before you put any practice into action.
1. Identify a personal or professional relationship that needs attention.
2. Choose one of the fourteen proven practices (described below) that you will apply to the relationship.
3. At the start of the week, write down the challenge or opportunity you’re experiencing in that relationship. Be as specific as you can.
4. Brainstorm how you might apply the chosen practice to the relationship, then take careful note each time you interact with that person during the week. (What did you think, say, or do? How did you feel? What was the impact?)
5. At the end of the week, write about your experience of applying the practice. (What did you learn? Where did you fall short? What will you do again next week to get better?)
6. Start the following week with a new practice (and a new relationship or the one you identified originally).
PRACTICE |
RELATIONSHIP |
Wear Glasses That Work |
What belief might you be holding about the person that is limiting the relationship? How might you change it to see him or her more clearly? |
Carry Your Own Weather |
In what ways are you feeling like a victim in this relationship? What choices do you have to respond differently? |
Behave Your Way to Credibility |
From the other person’s perspective, where do you need to walk your talk? What behaviors do you need to change to be seen as credible in his or her eyes? |
Where have you gotten out of balance in this relationship? What contribution do you want to make in this relationship? |
|
See the Tree, Not Just the Seedling |
Have you taken the time to identify what is working, rather than what’s not working, in this relationship? What is this person’s true potential, and how can you communicate it to him or her? |
Avoid the Pinball Syndrome |
What one urgent thing can you delay this week in order to address something important to this relationship? |
Think We, Not Me |
In what ways are you focused only on your win in this relationship? How will you be mindful of everyone’s win? |
Take Stock of Your Emotional Bank Accounts |
How would this person rate the level of trust in your Emotional Bank Account with him or her? What will you do to increase it? |
Examine Your Real Motives |
Does this person know your true intentions? Have you declared them? |
Talk Less, Listen More |
Have you taken time to understand this person’s perspective on key issues? Are you willing to be influenced by him or her? |
Get Your Volume Right |
In what ways are you turning the volume up too high on your strengths in this relationship? How will you evaluate and adjust when needed? |
Extend Trust |
Do you withhold your trust with this person? In what ways might you extend even more trust to him or her? |
Make It Safe to Tell the Truth |
Have you ever asked this person for his or her feedback about how you’re showing up in the relationship? When will you do it? |
Align Inputs With Outputs |
Have you considered which inputs are contributing to the less-than-ideal results in this relationship? Are you willing to change? |
I’ve used Jean-Paul Sartre’s play No Exit as a persistent metaphor and reminder that at the essence of feeling like we’re stuck in hell (or conversely, paradise) is our relationships with the people around us. As was noted in the book’s introduction, when things become difficult, our tendency as human beings is to find a way out—to head for the exit and move to another room. That might take the form of changing jobs, abandoning associations, or even dissolving marriages and long-standing family ties. These endless “exit strategies” imply that we see external forces (other people and circumstances) as the source of our problems and the means of escape. Yet, we all have the ability to take the focus off the things outside of us (the room and those who occupy it) and move it inward. This internal focus or self-reflection starts with humility. It’s the way we begin to get better and strengthen each and every relationship we have.
Now, about the Pope and his preemptive writing of my first book . . . After some reflection, I discovered that Get Better is the book I really wanted to write. And I’m glad I had the wisdom to not compete with His Holiness on the topic of humility by writing a book with the same title. (His book is insightful and inspiring by the way, and I highly recommend you read it.)
When I first saw the title of the Pope’s book, I felt like I was too late and should give up and be done. I’m glad I didn’t succumb to insecurity. It turns out that fear is an enemy of humility. And when we accept humility into our very core, we find the will to believe more, to do more, and to help others more.
As Sartre wrote, relationships can feel like hell. But on the flip side, if we incorporate these fifteen practices into our lives, relationships can feel like paradise as well. And when it comes to how we spend our brief time on this planet, what can be better than that?