239The next morning, due to my new lack of professional obligations, I could really have slept in. Unpleasantly, however, I was awakened at eight thirty by an explosion outside my building. Careful to maintain my mindfulness practice, I first sat up in bed and took three deep breaths. Then I opened the blinds and looked down at the street. My former company car was on fire. Its entire rear end was torn apart and burning, black smoke all aswirl. Though the rest of the car had been unharmed, with each passing second more and more of it was falling victim to the flames. In front of the blazing wreckage stood Clara, paralysed, pale as chalk and wearing ill-fitting designer clothing; her traineeship apparently included retrieving the firm’s leased vehicle. This was the third explosion in five days. The first two were meant for Dragan, and I had to assume this one wasn’t meant for Clara, but for me. Toni apparently wanted to underline his threat from the day before. He had succeeded. My heart was racing, my whole body soaked with sweat. This wasn’t fear – it was panic.

I quickly reached for my mindfulness guide and opened it to the chapter with an exercise on how to deal with panic:240

Find a quiet place in your apartment, house or office where you will not be disturbed. Ideally, it should have a view of a garden or a tree. Before starting, loosen any tight clothing, belts or shoes.

That was easy. I was already standing at the window of my bedroom, which was quiet – until the explosion, that is – and looked out on a quiet, green street. I saw a front yard scattered with smoking debris. On the other side of the street, one burning rear tyre was stuck in a tree. I was barefoot, wearing comfortable boxer shorts and a T-shirt. I kept reading.

Take in the world around you.

I was in a quiet apartment with a pleasantly cool granite floor. My room was minimalistically furnished and very tidy. Outside, however, it looked like a bomb had gone off – because a bomb had just gone off.

One by one, silently list five things you can see.

I saw a burning tyre in a tree. I saw the burning back end of a car. I saw a warped boot lid. I saw an ashen trainee, and I saw broken glass scattered as far as twenty metres from the car.

After that, focus on five things you can hear (e.g. different sounds or voices).241

I focused on the countless car alarms that’d been triggered by the explosion. I heard the crackle of flames devouring the A8’s back seat. Now I heard the gas tank explode, the burning tyre drop from the tree, and finally a feverish shriek from the trainee.

If possible, keep your eyes fixed upon a single area.

I first wanted to fix on the trainee. But then she started randomly running around, so I fixed onto the car wreck itself – which wasn’t easy, as its outline kept being subsumed by black clouds of smoke.

Now notice how the ground supports your feet, how your legs rest firmly on your feet, how the rest of your body is supported by the ground, your feet and your legs.

I noticed all of this. A beautiful feeling.

As you feel your weight on the ground, you will realise that nothing has the power to knock you over.

It was true: I felt like nothing could knock me over.

Now turn your attention to your breathing. Breathe calmly and evenly.

For two minutes, I breathed calmly and evenly. My panic 242subsided. The car alarms stopped beeping. The trainee had been tackled to the ground by passers-by who were now trying to talk her down. A simple mindfulness exercise had resolved the situation, and I could devote myself to practical matters again. What needed to be done first?

Since I’d been wanting to tell Peter from Homicide Command that I’d left the firm, I decided to use that call to also inform him that an assassination attempt had obviously just been made on one of the firm’s leased cars. Peter answered after the second ring:

‘What’s up?’

‘There’s something important I forgot to tell you yesterday afternoon.’

‘Hit me.’

‘I quit the firm. I’ve been on leave since yesterday and will officially be out of that place on the first of May.’

‘And you’re calling me before nine in the morning to tell me that?’

‘Yes, because that information might make your work easier.’

‘How so?’

‘Insofar as about eight minutes ago a car blew up outside my apartment.’

‘What car?’

‘A black Audi A8.’

‘Your company car?’

‘Not exactly. I returned the papers and keys to the office yesterday afternoon. Legally and factually, I am neither its lessee nor its owner. And if there are any questions: as 243the explosion woke me up, I can’t say anything about the sequence of events leading up to said explosion.’

‘Is Dragan behind this?’

‘I can say even less about that.’

‘So you represent Dragan independently now?’

‘Someone has to do it.’

‘Well, then … Thanks for letting me know.’

‘Catch you later.’

I hung up.

Next, I called Sasha and told him what had happened. I asked him to tell Walter to dispatch a personal protection detail after all, a very inconspicuous one though, watching first and foremost to find out who’d been watching me. Sasha assured me that a team would be available within half an hour. He also told me that we could swing by the co-op that night. I agreed, the sooner we could the better. The officer meeting was scheduled for the next day.

I already felt much better. This was my first day in over a decade without any professional commitments. I had traded a lucrative permanent position for the freedom of a freelance father. Hans in Luck would’ve been proud. Sure, I did still need to deal with a few investigations against me for perverting the course of justice, not to mention one death threat against my daughter, two death threats against myself and the power-plays of at least one psychopath – two, if you counted Boris. In addition, my erstwhile company car had just blown up outside my apartment. Yet Hans in Luck also didn’t keep the horse; he simply kept exchanging it. But that hadn’t stopped him 244from being happy in the moment, and it shouldn’t stop me either.

I did a few more breathing exercises at the window and decided to tell Katharina about my career change. After all, our daughter was the reason I’d wanted a change in the first place. I called Katharina and asked if she’d mind if I took Emily to the playground.

‘On a Wednesday morning?’

‘Yes. In fact, this one in particular.’

‘What happened? Did Dragan give you the boot?’

I spared myself explaining to her the intricacies of the complex relationship between an employed lawyer, their employer and their client. Instead, I imagined that my future ex-wife had the best intentions. That the entire universe had the best intentions for me. That even everybody on the subway had the best intentions … And that was enough.

‘Listen, Katharina, my mindfulness training has made me realise that I cannot continue working the way I have. My workload at the firm has gotten to be too much for me. I have come to a mutual termination agreement with Von Dresen, Erkel and Dannwitz.’

‘But that’s …’ Katharina was speechless.

‘Financially, nothing is going to change for now. They agreed to a very nice severance agreement.’

‘So you finally won’t have to deal with all those criminals any more?’

‘Not with those at the firm. As far as the others … Well, I’ll have to earn money one way or another. Criminal law 245is my speciality, so I can’t rule out that I won’t have to—’

That wasn’t a complete lie.

‘What about Dragan?’ Katharina interrupted.

‘I don’t even know where he is, but I’ll certainly have to wrap things up with him too.’

That our daughter’s life had been threatened as part of this wrapping-up was something I decided not to share with her at this point.

‘The main thing is that all this round-the-clock drama has come to an end, you’ll be happy to hear.’

‘Emily will also be happy to hear that.’ As long as Toni didn’t deliver on his threat.

‘Can I pick her up right away?’

‘Of course, come on over!’

Since I no longer had a company car, I didn’t need to feel angry that it’d been blown up. So I took the bus to Katharina’s completely by choice.

Emily was thrilled to be going on another outing with me.

Katharina seemed very relaxed, and she reiterated how happy she was I’d finally quit my job. ‘Could it be that that glimmer of hope on the horizon is slowly turning into full-on daybreak?’

I didn’t want to explain that this glimmer on the horizon might be accentuated by a series of grenade explosions – which I’d hesitate to interpret as daybreak. But I also didn’t want to deprive her of her joy. Who knows, maybe all these explosions around me were heralding a new day. I decided to be optimistic.246

‘Possibly, but right now I’m just trying to enjoy the moment as it is. Plus, I’ll have more time to take care of the preschool thing.’

Katharina grabbed my arm and gave me a kiss on the cheek. She hadn’t shown that much tenderness in months – apparently, mindfulness was sexy.