part0024

I read each one, knowing they say the same thing, knowing they are not only summoning me as though dropping everything to go and see him is what I am supposed to live for, they’re reminding me that the clock is ticking. I do not have all the time in the world and if I can’t get it right, get this done in the time given, my life is going to fall apart again. Scratch that: everyone’s life is going to fall apart again.

I stand outside the hotel – one of the ones on the seafront. Zach’s room didn’t have a sea view, but once I leave the hotel I’m on the main road, with a view that is endless sea, forever sky. The hotel is a bit further into Brighton than where we found her . That’s probably why I started talking to Zach about mermaids. When alcohol loosens my tongue, anything that reminds me of her makes me talk about her.

I look left, towards the Pier. I would love to go there right now, to blend in among the crowd that has already flocked there, many of them having got the early train down to make the most of their day by the sea. On the Pier I would be anonymous, possibly another tourist who’s come to experience one of Brighton’s world-famous landmarks.

Beyond the Pier, beyond Surry Hills High school, beyond the rolling greens is him . Sitting in his wheelchair, waiting. Nothing about him dulled by the passage of time, nothing tamed or relaxed.

I look right. To King’s Lawns, the multicoloured beach huts, the 1930s block of flats that starts the run of seafront buildings into Hove. Beyond that art deco seafront building is her. Macy. She’s most likely bordering on hysterical by now because I haven’t answered my phone. Not only that, I turned it off. If she’s called again and hasn’t been able to get hold of me, in Macy’s mind, this will mean something terrible must have happened to me.

Usually I don’t rebel against her anxiety. Usually I answer the phone when she calls, I talk to her, then get to her house as soon as possible to take my place in her family’s life. I’ve ignored her this morning, so if I go and see her now, she will fall apart with relief, then she will snap at me in indignation, then she will slide away from me. She will hold herself in a semi-normal state, only speaking when spoken to, only engaging when it is to get something she needs. Other than that, she will stare at me, hurt at me, and Macy’s hurt is something I cannot take.

It has to be one of them.

Because if I choose the third option of ‘Nell’, which is really just choosing neither of them, I know I’ll pay for it double next time.

I’ve just spent £140 on room service booze from last night. ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY POUNDS. I’ve budgeted very carefully to get the year off work, and in one night I have blown nearly a fortnight’s worth of food shopping. I’m a mess sometimes. An absolutely bloody mess. No wonder Macy regularly side-eyes me. Even though she’s four years younger than me, there’s no way she’d do something like this.