CHAPTER 21 SHIT + FAN

Before committing to the China trip (because I knew the second I brought it up to my mother, it was happening), I wanted to talk to Chase.

The following day, right before lunch, I hurried to exit the classroom first, then waited for him on the other side of the door, my back against a locker. As I’d hoped, he immediately understood I was mimicking his stance from our non-meet-cute (meet-ugly?), and finally—finally!—there it was, that crooked grin.

“Lunch?” I asked.

He nodded.

We traipsed into the cafeteria in silence and sat at the garbage free-throw table, already covered in wrappers and crumpled brown bags.

I swept the trash off and settled in beside Chase as he brought out his biàndāng. I tried not to look too I’ll have what she’s having as I inhaled, savoring the smell of home, savoring the fact that I was enjoying this here, of all places. Mmm… scallion-and-egg stir-fry with breaded pork chops. My eyes popped open to confirm. I’d gotten pretty damn good at this.

As we dug in (and my heart had fluttered when he’d handed me an extra pair of chopsticks), I tried to focus on the task at hand: telling him about China.

But, no surprise, I was having a hard time finding my words.

As we munched in silence, Brenda made a point to stop by and say hello. Two minutes later, when Kyle accidentally walked by, she sniffed and scowled, as if reiterating that she had been correct to say “ew” that day. It took every ounce of self-control (and some qigong fist clenches) not to say “ew” to her judgmental face. To all those who say they’re not worth your time, I say, it depends what you do with that time… but fine, I left her alone.

A green-eyed, strawberry-blond girl in a fitted sweater and jeans shuffled up to the table.

“Hey, Wendy,” I said, greeting her first. I wanted to add Thanks for standing up for me with the rice paddies last week, but I couldn’t quite get it out for some reason. I racked my brain, and the memory resurfaced: We were kids at a pool party, and she and her friends had been whispering right before their designated messenger (not Wendy, but how much does that matter?) ran over to tell me I couldn’t go in the water because I would turn it yellow, “like tinkle water.” I made fun of their use of the words “tinkle water,” then cannonballed in. No one else joined me, and I spent the entire party in the pool in defiance.

Wendy scooted onto the bench opposite Chase and me with an expression like she’d just shit herself and was trying to keep everyone from noticing. She shook Chase’s hand when he introduced himself but wouldn’t meet his gaze.

“That smells good,” she finally said.

“Do you want to try some?” Chase offered, holding his chopsticks out to her, then hesitating because, well, yeah, she probably didn’t know how to use them.

But she gingerly took them and scooped a piece of pork chop into her palm, then popped it in her mouth. Well, that’d teach me to be the same kind of stereotypical ass I complained about.

She swallowed and grinned. “Yum. Brings back good memories.”

“Yeah?” Chase said just as I leaned back in shock.

She nodded. “My stepbrother and his wife adopted a boy from China, and they work really hard to incorporate his culture into his life.” She blushed as she said in a heavy accent, “Ní hǎo. Shuǐ. Xiǎo lóng bāo.”

When I laughed, her face fell, and I explained: “Good priorities—learning how to order dumplings first. After you learn ‘wǒ xūyào niào niao,’ you’re all set.” I paused. “And then you can use ‘niào niao’ instead of ‘tinkle water.’ ”

She flushed and cast her eyes downward, but she didn’t apologize.

Chase, not knowing just how heavy the words ‘tinkle water’ were, said to me, “She could also learn ‘Where’s the bathroom?’ instead of ‘I need to pee,’ though, don’t you think?”

I shook my head. “What if it’s an emergency? Better to learn ‘I need to pee.’ ”

Wendy smiled. “Thanks. Wǒ xūyào niào niao,” she repeated. “I’ll teach that to my nephew—he’ll get such a kick out of it.” She licked her lips, stalling, and then her face grew serious. “Look, it sucks that things have been tough for you.” She paused, and I wondered if she was thinking about the parts that had involved her. “I didn’t really think about it until that incident the other day, and I realized that if it had been my nephew, I would’ve wished for others to defend him. So I said something.” She looked so proud of herself.

“Thank you,” I said.

“You’re welcome. Thanks for the food.” She smiled at both of us before leaving to join her friends, no longer shuffling but with a bounce in her step. I couldn’t help wondering if that conversation had alleviated her guilt more than it should have.

Once Wendy was out of hearing range, I steeled myself. If she could say all that, I could spit it out too. “So…,” I started.

“I still need some space,” Chase said just as I said, “I think I’m going to be away.”

We both paused awkwardly.

“In China,” I finished.

“Oh!” Even though it was exactly what he had asked for, he seemed surprised. “Are you going to the park?”

I nodded. “And I also just feel like I need to get out of here for a bit, find myself, you know.”

“I hope you do. That sounds great.” We were speaking like strangers.

Chase started to say something else, but whatever it was, I didn’t hear. Because out of the corner of my eye, I saw a familiar shape—one that made my heart stop beating for a second. I convinced myself it was just fear conjuring her. When I turned and saw my mother standing there with her hands on her hips, my vision blurred.

All my brain could come up with was fuuuuck. It took me a second to see Mr. Laurelson standing behind her.

My mother flicked her head to the side, and leaving Chase behind, I zombie-walked beside them to the counselor’s office.

Step-step-step-step, shit shit shit shit.

My mouth opened to tell my mother Chase and I weren’t really together (at least not right now), but it was completely dry and soundless.

Once we were seated with the door closed, she cleared her throat. “The counselor tells me you and Chase have made quite the spectacle of yourselves around school.”

I glared at the traitor.

“Ali, listen,” Mr. Laurelson said, his voice wavering. “You know I’m always on your side and only have your best interest at heart. I read an article recently—in a reputable journal—about how tiger parenting works, and how it comes from a place of caring. And it just got me to look at this whole… thing”—he gestured desperately to my mother, who was sitting completely motionless in her chair beside me—“in a new light.”

“So you read one ‘reputable’ article, and now you’re an expert on our culture, on what it’s like to be the child of a Taiwanese immigrant growing up in a predominantly white Midwestern town?” It was easier to attack him than my mother, who I was avoiding eye contact with like she was Medusa.

Mr. Laurelson wiped some sweat from his brow with a wrinkled handkerchief—which, yes, was endearing, but not enough to excuse his non-PC meddling. “I was worried about you.” His hand shook, and I wondered if he was scared of my mother or felt bad for what he’d done to me. Maybe now that she was here, he could see the extent of his actions. “You’ve not only been sent to see me several times, but you broke into my office—I saw the scratches on the locks and checked the security footage. You’ve never done anything like this before, and I see now why your mother thinks Chase is a bad influence.”

“It wasn’t your place to tell,” I whispered, even though it didn’t matter. Everyone in the room knew we were all just biding our time because my mother and I didn’t want to actually—gasp—communicate.

“Stop blaming him,” my mother said to me. “I saw the Vaseline on the window. Give me some credit, Ali.”

I said nothing. She hadn’t earned anything.

I spoke to Mr. Laurelson instead. “Did you also break student-counselor confidentiality”—if that’s even a thing—“and tell her about Chase’s family?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Mr. Laurelson said frantically, holding both palms out. “I did no such thing.”

“What about Chase’s family?” my mother asked.

I stared her down, calling her bluff. But she continued to question me. “What will I find if I look into them?” She turned to Mr. Laurelson. “What’s there to know? You have to tell me; I’m being a good tiger parent.”

My confidence waned. “But you told me his family was ‘no good,’ ” I said after a few seconds.

“I just meant that because they moved here, there must be something wrong with them,” my mother answered with a shrug, implying that there was also something wrong with us.

Oh my God. I saw the truth in her eyes: she had lied to me all those days ago, implying things when she knew nothing. This was all. Her. Fault. It made me want to scream. It made me want to grab all the binders and chuck them across the room, send the sheets of paper flying in a horrible, beautiful mess.

“What is wrong with you?” I yelled at her.

Mr. Laurelson leaned back in his chair. Yeah, you and me both want to get outta here, buddy. It gave me a little satisfaction to see him so uncomfortable in the situation he’d created. Well, sort of.

I continued after her at the same volume. “Why’re you so secretive all the time? Do you just derive utility from keeping stuff from me and Bǎbá since you seem to hate everything else in your life? What is so terrible about me and Chase being together?”

My mother took a deep breath. “Ali…” She paused, then repeated my name as if she were imagining herself back on the mountain, back in her old life. “Ali, I’m sorry this has been tough on you. I truly am. Everything I do is for you, with your best interest in mind—”

“Yes, exactly as the article said!” Mr. Laurelson interrupted.

She nodded politely to him, then continued. “I know it’s difficult to be missing so many details, but please trust me. It’s for the best. I’m speaking from experience.”

“How can I trust you when I don’t know anything about you or your goddamn experience?” I turned away from her to face the kitten poster on the wall that said, HANG IN THERE! You hang in there, I wanted to scream at it; then I realized that the kitten was forever hanging there on that clothesline.

“I’ll go to China,” I said quietly. “Because I need to get away from you.” And I need to know what you’re hiding. And I have nobody left here. “But I’ll go only if it’s to Shanghai, where Yun is.” Which is also only a two-hour car ride to Hangzhou and the park.

My mother’s eyes brightened, but her voice came out strained, like she was trying not to show me just how excited she was. “Of course it will be to Shanghai—I can sleep at night only if you are with a trusted family friend. And I already bought your plane ticket and sorted your schoolwork out with Mr. Laurelson. You leave in two days.”

Rage mixed in with my excitement. “Seriously, Mǔqīn?”

She flinched. “The money came in and there was a deadline to buy the ticket; I had no choice, Ali.”

“No, I’m the one who never has a choice.”

At that time, I had no idea how true that sentence was.

From: AliAliOxenFree@gmail.com

To: Chase.You@gmail.com

Time: 4:58 p.m. EST

Subject: See you when I see you

Just letting you know I’m leaving in two days. I’ll be back in a couple weeks. That’s all.

From: Chase.You@gmail.com

aTo: AliAliOxenFree@gmail.com

Time: 5:33 p.m. EST

Subject: Re: See you when I see you

Have a good trip, be safe, and I hope you find out a lot of stuff. If you’re up for it, maybe we can talk when you get back. Thanks for giving me space.

P.S. Love the new email address.

From: AliAliOxenFree@gmail.com

To: Yun.C.Kao@gmail.com

Time: 5:36 p.m. EST

Subject: Moo, bitch, get out the way

… because I’m coming to Shanghai! In case your father didn’t already tell you.

From: Yun.C.Kao@gmail.com

To: AliAliOxenFree@gmail.com

Time: 8:22 a.m. CST

Subject: Re: Moo, bitch, get out the way

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shit’s about to get shady up in here!

And no, he didn’t tell me. I’m not that surprised, unfortunately.

MeWithShadyPinesMug.jpg