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★☆★☆★
The next six weeks were a blur of doctor appointments, surgeries, and hospitals. I had been able to go home, but I was back at the hospital a few times a week for appointments.
The first time they had let me go home, I almost screamed in happiness. A small cardboard box on the dining room table caught my attention. I looked at the sender and ripped it open. Inside was a small black velvet bag encased in plastic, and I tore it open. Opening the drawstring on the bag, I pulled out the glittering diamond engagement ring. It caught the light from the dining room fixture, and I sighed. I gently put the ring back into the bag and wandered into my room. I placed the ring in my sock drawer and tried hard to forget about it.
Not able to let Cara go, nor tell her what had happened to me, I continued to text and message her. Even an occasional phone call, which, admittedly, had started to turn awkward. Cara was a smart girl. I knew she knew something was going on with me. She had been quiet and stopped asking when she was going to see me. Because honestly, I was fast running out of excuses.
I had just undergone my third and most painful skin graft. The doctors were desperately trying to minimize the scarring on my body, but I had begun to lose hope that I would ever look normal. From my foot to the top of my head, my entire left side was burned. The skin was raw in places, and I had to wear bandages and take shitloads of antibiotics to keep from getting infections. After the surgeries, I’d have to sit on bed rest for days in the hospital, and then at home.
However, the skin graft wasn’t the most painful part of that surgery. A specialist had come in to check me out and had ordered a full-body scan. I had never before been in one of those MRI tube things, and it was just weird. It didn’t hurt, but it had felt a little claustrophobic.
After the surgery, while I was in recovery, the doctor came in to see me.
“Riley, the skin grafts are going well. I’m confident with two or three more surgeries we’ll get you looking and feeling better.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“I do have some bad news, though.”
My stomach did a flip. Bad news? Is he joking? How can things get any fucking worse? I just nodded for him to continue.
“The MRI revealed that part of your vas deferens is damaged. You probably will not be able to father children.”
Okay, that was the last thing I had expected him to say. “What? From a fire? I don’t get it.”
He looked down at his clipboard, then back up to me. “Honestly, we don’t know if it’s from the accident. It could be an old injury. You don’t have any biological children now, do you?”
I shook my head. “Not that I know of,” I tried to joke.
“Well, I’m not saying it’s impossible, and without a sperm analysis, we won’t know, but as of now, it doesn’t look very positive. When you’re feeling better, we can have it analyzed. But for now, I want you to concentrate on getting better.” He looked at me apologetically, squeezed my good shoulder, and left the room.
Was he freaking kidding me? I was going through hell, and he dropped that on me? I again thought about Cara and wondered if she wanted more kids. Well, if she did, she wasn’t getting them from me. Fuck! This was not happening to me. I couldn’t handle this right now. I put that news into the back of my brain and tucked it away for later. It was irrelevant as far as I was concerned. I had other shit to deal with. Besides, I doubted I’d be getting laid anytime soon, so there wasn’t anything to worry about in the unwanted pregnancy department.
My parents came out from Tucson to see me. When they arrived at the hospital and saw me looking like crap, they both kind of broke down. I expected the tears and sobs from my mother, but the tear that leaked down my dad’s cheek broke me. I hated this. I hated it so bad. I wanted to scream at them that they were lucky to have me and that Tyrone’s and Jose’s parents would never get to hug or see their sons ever again.
It was an unfair way of thinking, but I had to channel my anger somehow. I became angrier and angrier as the weeks went by. I tried hard not to wallow in self-pity, but it became increasingly harder and harder. The hospital had sent shrinks by to talk to me, handing me pamphlets on PTSD and even one on survivor’s guilt. I read it, then wadded it up, tossing it with force into the trash can with my good hand.
My parents stayed at my apartment while I was in the hospital, then a week later when I was able to go home, they stayed with me still, my mom cooking and caring for me, making sure I was taking my meds and eating. I hadn’t been on the scale lately, but I could tell I had lost a shit ton of weight. Most of my muscle mass was gone. I was about 190 before, and I had probably lost about twenty pounds since the accident. I could see my ribs.
I continued to message Cara. I didn’t say much, just more excuses as to why I couldn’t see her. I had been home six weeks and hadn’t made any plans to see her. It was a far cry from how I had been talking when I was in Afghanistan. Back then, I would continually reassure her that I would see her as soon as I got back.
I wanted to. I wanted to see her so bad it hurt. But then I would look in the mirror and think, hell no. No way could Cara see me like this. But how long until I felt like I could show myself to her, get undressed around her, go to bed with her and not feel like I repulsed her? The truth was, no woman would want to be with me now. So I had just better get used to that new reality. I also thought about the news the doctor had told me. Cara deserved better. She deserved more kids and a happy, normal life. Not a damaged guy who couldn’t even do something as simple as giving her a baby.
After my parents left, I felt better, healing faster from the surgery, and I lay awake, staring at the ceiling in my room. The country music I had playing was starting to depress me. It was all love songs, and the twang was just... fucking sad. I reached over and flipped the station to some easy listening junk. At least it wouldn’t be sad. I just couldn’t stand the quiet and was in no mood to watch TV.
A slow acoustic guitar began to play, and I wondered what kind of song this was. I was about to flip the station again when a calm voice began to sing about knowing you love her by having the strength to let her go. I let the song play to the end and wiped away traitorous tears. “Let Her Go” by Passenger, the radio DJ announced after the song ended. I fucking hated to cry, and it seemed like I’d done more in the past two months than in my entire lifetime. I couldn’t do this anymore. I loved Cara more than life, but as the song’s lyrics replayed in my mind, I knew what I had to do if I truly loved her... if I really and truly wanted her to have the happy life she and Aiden deserved.
I had to let her go.
★☆★
I picked up the phone and fought the urge to puke. I had dicked around for a week, wondering what I was going to tell Cara that she would actually believe. I came to the awful conclusion that I had to lie, and lie good, to hurt her. My stomach was in knots as I dialed her number. It rang twice, and she answered.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hey, sexy. What’s up with you? I haven’t heard from you in a while,” she said cheerily.
I was quiet for a minute, and then I said, “I know. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Look, Riley... I can see what’s happening here. You’re home now, back to reality. No more living in the fantasy land you got to live here.”
I exhaled loudly. “It’s really not like that, Cara. I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking, and since you can’t move here, and I obviously can’t move there, I just don’t see this working.”
She was quiet for a minute. “I know, but I just want to see you. Yet, I don’t know what the solution is here. I guess until my son gets older, and I can move without him forgetting about everyone here...”
That was a surprise. I hadn’t expected to hear she was thinking of moving to Colorado. Dammit! “You’ve thought about moving here?”
“Yes. Since my sister lives there, I would know someone, and I’d like to be able to afford a house one day for us but there’s no way I can here, it’s too expensive. The problem is my entire support system is here, including Aiden’s dad. It’s not an easy choice, nor one I will make lightly, Riley.”
“I understand,” I said quietly, then I paused a long time, preparing to spew the venomous lie I’d conjured up. I again fought back nausea, the words tasting like acid on my tongue. “Look, I think it’s only fair to tell you I’ve met someone here.”
I heard her gasp, and I swore I heard her cry.
“Are you still there?” I asked after a long pause.
Her voice was shaky, and she sniffled. “Yes. But what do you want me to say to that?”
“I’m just trying to be honest here. Look, truthfully, while I was overseas, I thought about you every single day. You’re all I thought about, in fact. I looked forward to your emails and lived for our chats. I was always in a bad mood until I could hear your voice or see your name on my screen. Hell, I had even picked out an engagement ring and everything, but I was so unsure, I just didn’t know...” I trailed off, wondering why I’d even divulged that. I was supposed to make this phone call short and rude.
She let out a whimper and another sniffle, and then she spoke again. My heart shattered to hear her cry. “Now why did you even have to tell me that, Riley?”
Then, I thought of something. “Because I never thought you believed me when I told you I loved you all those months I was deployed. I told you, but you never seemed to buy it. You sure didn’t ever tell me you loved me back.”
“But I did,” she whispered. “I said the same back to you, every time. But after you hung up,” she confessed.
Another long pause hung in the air, then I sighed and tried hard to hide the emotion in my voice. “There will always be a part of me that loves you, Cara. You’re unforgettable, and I’m probably going to regret this, but I don’t see how else it can work.”
“Especially when you’ve met someone else, right?”
Ouch. “Now that, I didn’t plan,” I said quietly.
“One never does...” she finally said.
I couldn’t do this anymore. “Goodbye, Cara. Thank you.”
I ended the call and threw the phone on the bed. I stomped into the bathroom to put some cold water on my face. I couldn’t believe I’d actually just done that to her. It was for her own good, right? I lifted my dripping face to the mirror and stared at my ugly reflection. With my right fist, I punched the glass as hard as possible and watched it spider web out from the crack I created.
“Fuck!” I screamed as blood pooled on my fist and dripped into the sink. But it didn’t hurt. I was numb all over. Nothing on my body hurt. It was the large organ in my chest that was in agony. It hurt so bad I thought I could lean over the toilet and puke it up and maybe it wouldn’t hurt anymore.
I bandaged up my hand as best I could, seeing as I already had bandages around my left one, and grabbed my truck keys. I tore out of the apartment complex and drove until I reached the Garden of the Gods park so I could think. I parked and zipped up my hoodie, pulling the hood over my head and face as best I could. I walked until I found a sitting area. I seemed to be alone, which was what I wanted. Since it was May, the weather was nice and mild. The sun was out but beginning to set, and I should have been happy to have sun, peace, and quiet. But there was no peace and quiet in my head. My heart was fucking shattered, and my head was screaming at me, telling me what a douchebag I was and how stupid I had been.
A few people walked by with dogs, looked at me, and then looked away. I’d better get used to the looks. The hoodies helped, but of course they made me look like a creeper, especially when the weather was nice. But I’d rather look like a thug than endure the looks of pity and stares from people.
I couldn’t believe I had done that to Cara. But what other choice did I have? She was all kinds of soft and perfect and deserved the best, and I couldn’t give that to her. She and Aiden were special, and I hoped one day Cara would find her dream guy and he would make her happy. Give her more kids and support her and her son as they deserved. I shook my head as her memory slid down my cheek once more, and I wiped it away angrily. I needed to stop this pity party. It wasn’t me, and quite frankly, it was depressing me. I couldn’t live like this. I still had a couple more surgeries to endure, and who knew when I would go back to work.
A few weeks ago, when I had finally gotten my personal property back, there had been a million voicemails and texts on my phone from people asking where I was. There were a dozen texts from Cara, and I pulled out my phone from my pocket and read them again. They made me sad, so I deleted the whole thread. I couldn’t keep them there—they would just set me back. I needed to move forward. I saw Dan had texted me three times and left two voicemails recently. I owed that man my life and I hadn’t even thanked him. I was such an asshole.
I immediately dialed his number and he answered on the second ring.
“Lakin, it’s Forrester.”
“Dude! Oh, my God! I’ve been so worried. How are you?”
I sighed, already tired of that question. “I’m better. It was bad for a while, real bad.”
“I can only imagine. You gave me a serious scare.”
I laughed humorlessly. “You? Ha. I thought I was dead. I called to thank you and apologize that it has taken me this long. Honestly, I prayed for death quite a few times in the last few weeks.”
“I can’t even imagine, man. I’m just glad you made it. It’s been rough, though. I kick myself every day for not being able to save Smith and Alvarez. It’s not been easy...” He trailed off.
“No, Dan. There was nothing you could do. They died in the explosion. My CO told me everything. I was lucky to be alive, and those two were gone before they knew what hit them. You couldn’t have done anything. You did more than enough. And I owe you my life.”
He was quiet for a minute. “I know, Riley. And I would do it again, without question, if I had to.” He paused, then continued at my silence, “You don’t know how different my life is now. Angela and I are back together. I was stupid for even thinking of leaving her. I haven’t told her about my little slip-up with Cara’s friend, but I might someday. We’re expecting a baby in January.”
His last sentence hit me like a punch to the gut, but I replied, “I’m so happy for you, man. You deserve to be happy. Take care of her and that new baby. And keep in touch.”
“Oh, I will. I’m on Facebook, so hit me up there. I’m getting out of the Reserves next month, though. I need to be around for my new son or daughter.”
I totally understood that one. I was happy for him. “Understandable. Bye, Dan. Take care of yourself.”
“You too.”
He hung up. There was a war of emotions inside of me. I was happy for Dan, sad for myself, but not angry. Dan deserved the happiness. He deserved the world.