Ash sprawled on the grass, chest heaving as he sucked in air. The sun blinded him and beat down on his overheated skin.
“Damn,” Sawyer huffed, flopping beside him. “You kicked my ass on that last sprint.” His breaths were deep, each gasp audible. “You didn’t warn me about the damn hills.”
The scent of fresh-cut grass was driven out by sweat and man. He inhaled, holding it in until his lungs protested. “I thought they were obvious.” Their five-mile run had been intensified by the hills around his house, the gentle inclines more deceptive and therefore harder than the blatantly steep ones.
“I’m used to running on flat.”
“And I thought you were the rugged adventure man who could leap tall buildings in a single bound.”
Sawyer shoved his shoulder. “Fucker.”
Ash let his chuckle roll out, an easy lassitude spreading through him. The heat of the day had abated, the early-evening air comfortable as he soaked up the sunlight before the trees blocked it. Sawyer joining him on his run was yet another twist in their ever-changing relationship.
“We should move inside and get some water,” Ash said with reluctance. He spent too much time indoors, which was ironic given where he worked.
“Nah.” Sawyer patted around on the grass until he found Ash’s hand, and squeezed it. “This is nice.”
Ash didn’t look over. Didn’t even open his eyes. But his pulse leaped, muscles tensing. Somehow he managed to quell his instinct to yank his hand away. Ruining this new link with Sawyer by letting his closet-case fears out would wreck more than the moment.
His family rarely dropped in on him unannounced. And even if someone did, so what? He was an adult. Successful. Independent.
“Sorry.” Sawyer slid his hand away, the loss stark.
“No.” Ash snagged his hand back. “It’s okay.”
It was more than okay. He tightened his hold, Sawyer returning the silent communication. How crazy was it that holding hands on his front lawn was just as intimate, and more nerve-racking, than anything he’d ever done in a dungeon? Or was “pathetic” the better word?
Sawyer drew his hand away after a moment and folded his arms under his head, a contented sigh drifting out. This was nice. Peaceful. Ash was both invigorated and drained, his mind almost restful.
Coming out to his family was a hurdle he hadn’t tackled, but was coming closer to doing every day. He’d always told himself he would—if he was in a relationship that meant something to him. Did Sawyer qualify? Should it matter?
He should come out for himself, not anyone else.
“Have you ever had a boyfriend?” he asked, unsure if he’d get a straight answer or more avoidance. He turned his head to study Sawyer, squinting through the brightness to catch his wince.
The silence lengthened, broken up by a chirping bird and a dog barking in the distance. A breeze rustled the leaves and cooled his flesh. Perspiration beaded on Sawyer’s temple, dampened his hair. The urge to wipe it away surged up in Asher, along with the rush to retract his question. But he blocked them both.
Sawyer wet his lips. “No.” He swallowed. “Not since high school.”
So, no. Getting an answer to why was a long shot, so he went for something easier. “But you’re out. Right?”
“I guess.” He shrugged. “I’ve never thought too much about it. I just am.”
A novelty Ash had never had the luxury of. “That’s…” Cool? Amazing? Strong? All of the above? And how did he state that without highlighting his own weakness?
“It’s not anything, Asher. Don’t make it a big deal.” Sawyer used his sleeve to wipe the sweat from his face. “I have no one to be out to, so it never came into play for me.”
No one to be out to. Ouch. He knew that—or had deduced that based on his snooping. But the extent of Sawyer’s solitude hadn’t really hit home until just now.
“So you have no family?” He’d eased into the question, fully expecting Sawyer to dodge or bolt. No relatives at all? No one to hassle or annoy him? To love him?
Sawyer sat up, and Ash was right behind him, ready to stop him from running, but he just wrapped his arms around his knees and stared into the distance. Ash released a long breath and reclined on his side, head propped on his hand. Space he could give.
“My family died when I was a teenager.”
His clipped words were just loud enough to reach Ash. He curled his fingers into the grass to keep from wrapping Sawyer up and holding him tight—fuck where they were. But the “Don’t touch me” vibes were radiating from his stiff back and clenched jaw.
“I’m sorry.” He hesitated, laid a hand on his arm anyway. He had to offer some comfort. His own heart was breaking. He couldn’t imagine the toll Sawyer’s had taken.
Sawyer looked back at him, a halo of sunlight dancing on the blond ends of his hair. “Just another thing that is.”
But it had affected him. Changed him and his life. How could it not have?
Sawyer stretched his arms over his head, twisted until his back cracked. There was a forced smirk in place when he stretched out and faced Ash on the grass. Asher tensed, uncertain of what was coming.
Sawyer’s smile slowly fell away, a lingering sadness remaining. He lowered his gaze, clenched his hand, which was only inches away from Ash’s.
Leap or stay safe? Take a risk or live in regret?
Ash wrapped his hand around Sawyer’s fist, worked his fingers apart until he could lace his between them. Sawyer’s breath hitched, released before he looked up, golden eyes wary. He studied him, expression unreadable, and Ash searched right back. How had he found the one guy who didn’t want to be found?
“This is a big thing for you.” Sawyer lifted their linked hands. “Even here, in front of your house.”
“Yes.” He couldn’t lie. “More so here.”
“Not at the club? Or work?”
“No. I have nothing to hide there. Or lose.”
Sawyer smiled, a touch of his dimple showing. “It’s interesting how much we balance our actions based on that.”
Ash had no response. His entire life had been balanced on exactly that. And Sawyer had already lost so much. What did he have left to lose?
“Heavy topic,” Ash finally mumbled.
“Should we go fuck instead?” Sawyer waggled his brows, his childish antics yanking a laugh from Ash. He shoved him with their joined hands.
“I’ll never turn down a good fucking from you.” Never from him.
“So, uh. Yeah.” His smile faded, a frown pulling low. “I was surprised by that.”
“What?” Now Ash was frowning. “That I bottom sexually? You knew I wasn’t a Dom.”
“I know.” He shrugged, glanced down. “But the stigma’s still there.” He looked up. “Or is it the image? The strong sadist is always a top, no matter the situation.”
“What about the pain-slut bottom?” Ash countered. “Always the receiver, right?” He grinned at Sawyer’s eye roll.
“Shut up.” Sawyer flopped to his back, yanked his hand free to drag his fingers through his hair. “I just think it’s cool. All right? That I didn’t have to fight you on expected roles and rules. You never assumed anything based on my pain needs.”
“I can say the same about you.” Ash didn’t know if his heart could get any fuller. They fit on so many levels, way more than he’d expected. Bottoming in bed with Sawyer was one of the few times he could really let go and just be. No worries or directing or need to control a damn thing.
Sawyer launched to his feet, hand extended to Ash. “You could.” He hauled Ash up, grin widening. “But I’m much better at demonstrating than talking.” He swatted Ash on the ass and jogged toward the house. “There’s a really nice shower waiting to be used,” he called back. “With room for two.”
Ash’s laughter burst free, happiness carrying him after his lover. Sawyer was so much more than a casual play partner, and so worth whatever he had to risk to keep him in his life.