“Speak clearly, if you speak at all; carve every word before you let it fall.”
—OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES, SR.
Today is the day. After a long process of winnowing candidates for an associate’s position at a leading real estate law firm, Rebecca has narrowed it down to two: Paul and Frederick. On paper, there is no comparison. Frederick was on the law review at one of the country’s top-tier law schools, graduating at the head of his class. The latest in a long line of very successful lawyers in his family, his social connections and avid interest in golf and sailing make him a natural to rub elbows with just the kind of clients the firm is looking to attract. Frederick dresses impeccably from head to toe. And he is confident—maybe too confident—Rebecca thinks, as she remembered how he jumped in to finish her sentences and dropped names with abandon.
Paul had also graduated first in his class, but from a second-tier school. His LSATs would have gotten him into a top school, but he needed to attend part-time so he could work to support himself and his young family. This let the elite schools out. Paul did not have Frederick’s social connections, expensive hobbies, or bespoke wardrobe. What he did have, Rebecca thought, was a respectful nature, a quiet self-assuredness, and a genuine warmth. When Rebecca spoke, Paul listened intently. He asked excellent questions, deftly responded to her comments, added relevant information, and smiled and laughed when appropriate. He made Rebecca feel like his primary interest was how he could help the firm, not how lucky the firm would be to hire him. Considering the many obstacles Paul had overcome to get to the finalist stage and the kind, respectful way in which he communicated with her, Rebecca was sure his intelligence, tenacity, and authenticity would serve the firm and its clients very well. Her decision was made.
Well-honed communication skills are necessary at every stage of one’s career, but are even more critical as one ascends—or tries to ascend—the corporate ladder. One need look no further than to Doug McMillan to support this point. At 49 years old, he is the youngest Walmart CEO since Sam Walton and is by all accounts a brilliant communicator. Named to Decker Communications’ “The Top Ten Best (and Worst) Communicators of 2015,”1 he is described as a warm, humble, approachable man who communicates care for his employees. Walmart board member Kevin Systrom, cofounder and CEO of Instagram, agrees. In Fortune’s 2015 article entitled “The Man Who’s Reinventing Walmart,”2 Brian O’Keefe describes Mr. McMillan as the most intensely friendly person he has ever met. He says that “his focus is on you, like there is no other thing going on in his mind when he talks to you. He’s not distracted, he’s 100 percent focused on you.”
Walmart’s CEO seems to have taken the advice of its founder to heart. So important was good communication to Sam Walton that he devoted 2 of his “10 Rules for Building a Business”3 to it. Mr. Walton advised:
Rule 4. Communicate everything you can to your partners. The more they know, the more they’ll understand. The more they understand, the more they’ll care. Once they care, there is no stopping them.
Rule 7. Listen to everyone in your company. And figure out ways to get them talking. To push responsibility down within your organization, and to force good ideas to bubble up within it, you must listen to what your associates are trying to tell you.
Communication can make or break business relationships, careers, and even companies. Effective communication provides you with opportunities to expand networks, raise profiles, showcase skills, and engender confidence. Despite all these benefits, developing good communication skills is still an intimidating prospect for many.
Conversation, especially spontaneous, unscripted small talk, is particularly problematic. Millennials would rather do anything than engage in simple conversation, finding it superficial, boring, pointless, and altogether too much work. Chatting, unless it’s via electronic devices, is just not their thing. Truth be told, older generations are not too crazy about small talk either. But it’s very important, because substantive conversations, crucial to professional success, emerge from small talk.
Opportunities for conversation are everywhere, and the professionally savvy take advantage of as many as possible as often as possible. The chances to promote one’s personal brand through conversation are endless: on public transportation, while waiting in line for coffee, walking down a hallway, or riding an elevator, and at business meetings, lunches, dinners, events, parties, or conferences.
Liam needs advice from his boss. The 33-year-old biotech engineer is not sure how to proceed with the new project he’s been assigned. He approaches his boss’s office and peering through the window, sees him hunched over his computer screen in deep concentration, frowning intently. The thought quickly flits through Liam’s mind that his boss is probably working on the quarterly reports due later today. He quickly brushes that thought aside and says to himself, “This will just take a second.”
When Liam tentatively knocks, his boss looks up with an impatient “this had better be important” expression on his face—an expression lost on Liam. He clears his throat and asks his question. His boss, incredulous as well as annoyed, shakes his head and says, “You interrupted me for that?”
The ability to read and send nonverbal cues is critical in the professional arena. In face-to-face interactions, studies tell us that approximately 60 percent of communication is nonverbal, 30 percent is tone of voice, and only 10 percent is the words we say. Nonverbal communication governs how we think about ourselves, according to Amy Cuddy, social psychologist and associate professor at Harvard Business School. In her TED talk, “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are,” she says, “Our bodies change our minds, our minds change our behaviors, our behaviors change our outcomes.”4
Ms. Cuddy says to convey high power—and conceivably change our minds in the process—we should lean in, stand with our heads high, our arms open, our legs uncrossed, and our hands on our hips or clasped behind our necks. Conversely, we would avoid the appearance of low power by refraining from looking down, having our hands in our pockets, crossing our arms and legs, or slouching. Ms. Cuddy recommends that we not only “fake it ’til we make it” with our nonverbal communication, but fake it until we actually become as strong and confident as our body language conveys. There is not complete agreement that nonverbal communication changes minds, but there is virtually universal agreement that nonverbal communication affects the perceptions others have of us.
Nonverbal communication can be obvious or subtle. Body language experts Patryk and Kasia Welowski say people convey unconscious emotions through “micro expressions” and that true feelings can be transmitted in as little as half a second.5 Through nonverbal cues, we express feelings, disseminate information, reinforce messages, provide feedback, and exert control. We encode the information we send and decode the information sent back to us through body language.
In the U.S., it is generally agreed that hands clasped behind the back show confidence, clenched fists show firmness of resolve, a hand on the heart indicates a desire to be believed, and finger-pointing conveys aggressiveness or arrogance. Rubbing ones hands together equals anticipation, steepling fingers shows confidence, and hands in pockets indicates mistrust or reluctance. Hands folded in front indicate vulnerability, arms across the chest shows the person feels threatened, and talking with palms open suggests honesty. Smiles, laughter, and frequent eye contact signal friendliness and courteousness, head nodding shows empathy, and eye contact transmits credibility.
Note that nonverbal communication has different meanings around the world. Among the Japanese, smiles may indicate embarrassment, confusion, or discomfort. The A-okay sign means a variety of things in different countries—virtually none of them good. Unless we make a point to understand the meanings of nonverbal communication in other cultures, it is better to refrain from gesturing among international colleagues and clients.
Striking up a pleasant conversation is easier and less threatening if we first learn how to read others’ nonverbal cues. It enables us to know when to approach others, when to keep talking and when to let others talk, how others are responding emotionally to what we’re saying, and when to end conversations. If we see that someone is otherwise engaged in conversation, concentrating on a task, reading, eating, or praying, it’s clearly not a good time to begin a conversation. However, if they smile, make eye contact, stand, nod their heads, look interested, or speak, they are conveying that they are open to an exchange.
If someone doesn’t want to talk, she will look away, frown, sigh, cross her arms, offer a quick furtive smile, keep her eyes on her device, or put up a physical barrier.
If someone is bored, he will look around the room, check his phone, fidget, slouch, stand at an angle, avoid eye contact, sigh, roll his eyes, or have a vacant look.
If someone is angry, she will narrow her eyes, lower her chin, purse her lips, raise a corner of her mouth, place her hands on her hips, glare, or point or wag a finger.
How close we stand to others is another means of nonverbal communication that is culture-specific. Americans feel most comfortable sitting or standing at an arm’s length, but this distance would be considered too far apart among Middle Easterners and South Americans and too close among the Japanese. According to the life skills website, skillsyouneed. com, Westerners recognize four categories of distance: intimate, personal, social, and public.6 When you violate those norms, knowingly or not, you make others feel uncomfortable.
Intimate distance ranges from touching to about 1.5 feet. This distance is reserved for close personal relationships, where eye contact and other nonverbal cues are not necessarily critical. This distance is too close for professional interactions as most will feel their space is being violated.
Personal distance is somewhere between 1.5 feet and 3.8 feet. This distance is good for shaking hands or conversing with a friend or colleague. Depending upon the relationship, people may start at a lesser distance and move farther apart after introductions have been made. They may also move closer as the conversation progresses. This distance allows for observation of important nonverbal cues.
Social or professional distance is anywhere from 3.8 to 11 feet. In this setting, the situation determines the distance at which to position yourself. If working on a project, you would be at the closer end of the range. If presenting at a meeting, the farther end is more appropriate.
Public distance of 11 to 14 feet is used mainly by public speakers. At this distance, the subtlety of facial expressions is lost, which is why many public speakers rely upon expansive gestures to underscore their messages.
In conversation, note how far others stand from you. If you lessen or increase the space they will unconsciously move until their comfort level is restored. If you aren’t sure how close to stand to someone, keep to the closer end of the social/professional distance range.
Margot, new to the IT team, has outstanding credentials but her six-month performance review was mixed. There were no complaints about her work, but there were many about how she interacts with her team members. Margot, her team claims, is unapproachable, prickly, and dismissive. Teammates are afraid to interrupt her when she is on the phone or computer, and she is always on one or the other. This is a problem because they need to work together as a team.
So Margot is called into a meeting with Josephine, the HR manager, to discuss the matter. Josephine plans to ask Margot to assess her relationship with the team, thinking that if she recognizes her disconnect with her colleagues, the issue could be more easily rectified. Margot arrives, plops down in a chair, keeps her eyes glued to her phone, and says, “Okay, what’s this all about?” Josephine tells her about the concerns voiced by her colleagues. She asks Margot if she can think of any areas in which she could improve her communication. Without taking her eyes off of her phone, Margot says, “That’s ridiculous. I treat everyone respectfully. I don’t know what they’re talking about.”
Josephine realizes this is going to be a much harder problem to solve than she had hoped.
When it looks like we are not listening, relationships may be at risk. We always need to decide what is more important at a given moment: connecting with the person in front of us or connecting with others virtually. When we make eye contact with others, we not only show respect and attention, we connect, build trust, and bond. Doctors, attorneys, and coaches use it to comfort, persuade, influence, encourage, and control. Without eye contact, they could not effectively do their jobs.
The extent and implications of eye contact vary from culture to culture. Among Asians, subordinates do not initiate direct eye contact with superiors, as it could be construed as disrespectful. In African and Latin American cultures, looking someone in the eye may be interpreted as aggressive or confrontational. In the Arab world, men engage in a high degree of eye contact, but consider it inappropriate between men and women. Britons engage in less eye contact than Americans, and Southern Europeans, more. When interacting with international business partners, it is important to remember these differences to avoid giving or taking unintended offence.
Eye contact does not come easily for everyone. Some find it threatening and others just find it uncomfortable. But in the U.S. and many other cultures, making eye contact is critical.
Keep eyes up. Do not look at other parts of the body. Gazes should be reflective of professional, not personal or intimate, relationships.
Make direct eye contact. Hold someone’s eyes for about five to seven seconds in conversation, look away for a few seconds, and then look back. He will know you are engaged without feeling under a microscope. If direct eye contact feels intimidating, look at the bridge of someone’s nose or lower forehead.
Aim for eye contact 50 percent of the time. It can be more when listening and less when speaking. Too much eye contact comes across as aggressive and too little, timid.
Practice, practice, practice! Start with comfortable relationships, gradually moving on to acquaintances, passersby, cashiers, and wait staff. TV newscasters and even pets provide great opportunities to become more comfortable in making eye contact.
Darrell, a musician, was thrilled when he was asked to play for the President at a White House event. When he was informed he was welcome to bring a guest, Darrell immediately thought of Don, a longtime friend who had been involved in local politics for a number of years. The only thing was, Don was not a member of the President’s political party, nor was he particularly a fan. Still, Don was not going to pass up an opportunity to go to the White House and happily accepted.
On the day of the event, Don thought he had never seen as excited a group of adults as those who were assembled to meet the President. When the President arrived, he spoke briefly to each person, and when it was his turn, gave Don his complete and undivided attention. Don knew he was briefed on the guests in attendance but was still amazed and flattered when the President referenced the alma mater they shared and asked Don if he had had a particularly demanding professor. He had, and they shared a laugh at how difficult his course was. They spoke for only a few moments, but Don left the event in awe, knowing he had been in the company of a great conversationalist.
Good conversationalists are polite. They know how to approach and join existing conversation groups. They know how to make smooth introductions and include everyone in conversations. They arm themselves with appropriate topics and steer clear of any that might be divisive or offensive. Good conversationalists know how to make seamless transitions from one topic to another, when to interject humor, and how to handle tricky situations such as conversational lulls or mistakes. They are good listeners and show interest in others. They do not argue, interrupt, or correct. Finally, good conversationalists know when it’s time to leave a conversation group and gracefully move on.
Be polite! Focus on others, not on your electronic device. Be present in the moment; don’t look around to see who might be more important or interesting to talk to.
Join the group. It’s always easier when someone invites you into a conversation group, but feel comfortable joining one on your own. Never stand by yourself looking bored or texting. Catch someone’s eye, smile, extend your hand, and say, “Hello, I’m Joan Smith.” Do not apologize for approaching a person or group at an event to which you were invited. It’s your job!
Make introductions. A good conversationalist is not shy about introducing herself. When making your introduction, offer a genuine smile, a warm, dry hand, full eye contact, and say your first and last name. In the social arena, age and gender determine the order of the introduction. Men are traditionally introduced to women and younger persons to older persons. In a social setting, you would say, “Mrs. Adams, may I introduce Mr. Phillips?” In a professional setting, rank is the determining factor, not gender or age. Persons of lower rank or power are introduced to persons of higher rank or power. You would say, using their real names, “John Client, I would like to introduce Ann Boss. Ann Boss, this is John Client.” This order is followed because a client of any level outranks fellow employees of any level, even bosses and company presidents. After all, without clients, there are no companies!
Include everyone. Make eye contact with everyone, even those who are not talking. They will feel part of the group and may be encouraged to join in. Ask for their opinions about the topic at hand or what brought them to this event.
Be prepared. An experienced conversationalist knows the few seconds after an introduction can be awkward. Be ready with conversation topics to smooth the transition. When one-on-one, always be prepared to hold up at least 50 percent of a conversation. Tried and true topics like the weather, sports, or observations about the venue are always good icebreakers. Steer clear of risky topics such as religion or politics, or anything of a personal nature. Be creative! Eleanor Roosevelt would use the alphabet to get a conversation started. “Are you an art enthusiast?” or “Do you like baseball?” (Or cars, dogs, etc.) These will allow you, if need be, to break an awkward pause.
Cover up mistakes. Ignore the mistake if you can: if you can’t, downplay it. Say, “I do that all the time!” The person who made the mistake will be grateful, and you can immediately move on. If you made the mistake and it goes unnoticed, keep it that way. Otherwise, apologize or laugh it off and let it go.
Squelch inappropriate remarks or topics. Tricky situations need someone to take control and smooth things over without causing embarrassment for the person who introduced the topic or for others in the group. If possible, pretend you didn’t hear the comment, and change the subject. If necessary, be more direct, and say, “Can we talk about something else?” or “I’m sorry, I don’t agree,” or “I don’t think that’s appropriate.” Then move on to a new subject—or a new conversation group.
Know how to move on. Never monopolize others. The actual length of time you are in a conversation depends upon what you are talking about and with whom, but generally, be prepared to move on after about five to seven minutes. Say, “It was lovely speaking with you,” or “Enjoy the evening,” or “I hope we meet again!” Better to have ended a conversation with someone wishing it had lasted longer than having him regret he had to talk to you for so long!
The road to becoming a good conversationalist is bound to include some speed bumps. Keep trying. Most people won’t even notice if you get a name wrong or mispronounce words. They’ll be too concerned with the impressions they are making upon you!
Charlotte’s organizational skills were unmatched. As executive assistant to the managing partner at an international law firm, she meticulously kept her boss’s calendar, prioritized matters that needed his attention, scheduled his meetings, arranged his travel, maintained his correspondence, and screened his visitors. Charlotte researched information for her boss, as well as prepared spreadsheets, took meeting minutes, organized expense reports, reconciled charge card statements, made reservations, and bought and sent business gifts. When asked, she offered her perspective and gave advice. And on top of all of these responsibilities, she supervised the entire administrative staff.
Charlotte was perfect except for one thing. She had a dreadful telephone manner. She was abrupt with callers, including clients and board members, dismissive of staff, argumentative with vendors and service providers, and rude to solicitors. At best she had an imperious tone, at worst she raised her voice in anger to callers she thought had wasted her valuable time. But she never did any of these things within her boss’s earshot.
And then one day, he unexpectedly walked into the office and heard her on the telephone. That was Charlotte’s last day as executive assistant to the managing partner. She wasn’t fired, but was immediately relieved of her responsibilities and demoted. In front of the whole staff she had treated so disrespectfully, she emptied her desk of her personal belongings into a box and carried that box out of the executive suite to a cubicle at the far end of the building.
The way you say something is far more important than the words themselves. Tone of voice conveys confidence, enthusiasm, respect, and interest, or the lack thereof. Pay attention to the delivery of your messages, because they can be easily misinterpreted and tarnish your brand in the process. Speaking patterns matter, too. Are you a high talker? A low talker? A fast, slow, loud, or close talker? Do you wander from the point or supply unnecessary detail and take too long to finish what you are saying? If you have ever gotten feedback about your speech, consider it a gift and take it seriously.
Keep in mind that it’s possible you’re getting feedback without realizing it. Do others often ask you to slow down, speak up, or repeat what you’ve said? Do they sometimes finish your sentences or supply words? Are you ever asked to lower your voice, either verbally or with a “keep it down” gesture? These are signals that indicate you may want to work on your speech.
Speaking too softly can make you come across as timid or unsure of your message. Speaking too loudly can make you seem aggressive. A very rapid rate of speech may indicate to others nervousness, overexcitement, or impatience. Taking too long to make a point may come across as someone who likes to hear himself talk.
Any of these speech patterns may annoy, frustrate, or cause concern to others. As such, it makes sense to try and modify them. Some characteristics are easier to change than others. But since strong communication skills are important for success, improvements are worth the effort.
Speak louder. Think about what you want to say before you say it! Breathe from the diaphragm, and speak at an even, measured pace. Practice by reading aloud, and ask for feedback. Tune in to nonverbal cues. If others appear to be straining to hear, raise your voice, but do not shout.
Speak more softly. Record yourself in conversation to determine your volume relative to others. Practice speaking more quietly. Strive for warmth and resonance in your voice. Speak less. Use nonverbal cues to relay your message instead of words alone.
Slow down your pace. Enunciate each syllable. Have a clear message in mind, and speak in full sentences. Insert pauses, or “commas,” into your speech. Control emotions.
Speed up your pace. Read aloud and time yourself to get to a pace of about 150 words per minute. Introduce emotion into your voice.
Speak succinctly. Employ an economy of words, and be as concise as possible. Make sure conversations are not sermons. Use appropriate vocabulary, not fancy words.
Professional resources are available to help you. Investing in voice coaching, improv lessons, or public speaking courses, such as those offered by Toastmasters, could quickly get your speaking skills up to par. Pulitzer Prize–winning American public affairs columnist William Raspberry said, “Good English, well spoken and well written, will open more doors for you than a college degree. Bad English, poorly written, will slam doors that you didn’t even know existed.”
Words still matter. Polite expressions that used to be commonplace and much appreciated are too often missing from many modern vocabularies. “You’re welcome” has been replaced by “No problem,” “Yup,” or “Uh-huh.” “I’m sorry” is now a shrug of the shoulders, an “Oh well,” or a “What ev.” “Hello” and “Good morning” are now “Hey,” “How’s it goin’?” or “S’up?” As always, the culture of the group dictates the norm, and if you are among coworkers who speak in a certain way, by all means feel free to join in. But generally, professional settings require more formal speech, especially if relationships are new, are one-time-only encounters, or involve persons from other countries. It is then best to err on the side of traditional politeness and offer a full-throated “Hello,” “Thank you,” or “I’m sorry.”
When conversing with someone from another country, it is important to remember that the meaning of even a seemingly unambiguous word like yes is not universal. In some cultures, such as the Japanese, it is considered rude to say no. You may get a hai to something you say, but that only means someone hears or understands you, not necessarily that he agrees.
Mark Twain once said, “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” Choose your words carefully, and use only those you can truly own. Know what the words mean, how they are pronounced, and the right context in which to use them. My friend mixes up common sayings so much that we’ve actually come to welcome and delight in them. This Ivy League graduate has notably said, “I’d swallow my sword for him” (fall on my sword), “Fair complete” (fait accompli), and “That’s some beautiful blink” (beautiful bling). Among friends, such malapropisms can be funny and endearing, but business associates could be left wondering.
The words you use are an important element of your brands. Ban annoying terms, words, and clichés such as “touch base,” “circle back,” “deep dive,” “value-add,” “deliverable,” “bandwidth,” “synergize,” “killing it,” “socialize,” and “low-hanging fruit.” Resist peppering conversations with the latest slang. These words and terms can come across as unprofessional and exclusionary and are often dated within months. However, sites like onlineslangdictionary.com will keep you up on the latest, and allow you to understand the jargon. Avoid saying “utilize” or “signage” when “use” or “sign” work just as well. Steer clear of using words and phrases that made Financial Times columnist Lucy Kellaway’s annual list of the “worst corporate guff.” She said, “2015 broke all records for obfuscation, euphemism and ugliness.” Examples included nouns used as verbs such as “to effort,” “to language,” and “to front burnerize,” and euphemisms such as “ventilate” underperformers (fire), “bilateral telephonic meeting” (phone call), and “be careful of the optics of your personal brand” (tuck your shirts in).7
We all need to use good grammar. Saying “Me and Jim” instead of “Jim and I” will make colleagues who speak correctly wonder how someone managed to graduate from school and get a job without learning the basics of grammar.
In an article in CNN iReport, “Decline in Grammatical and Writing Skills of the New Generation Due to Techspeak,” Fran Alston says the language, structure, punctuation, tone, and format used in communicating via electronic means, or “techspeak,” is having a bad effect upon grammar. “There is a growing concern . . . among scholars who fret that the wide use of ‘techspeak’ is a real threat to the structure and real essence of languages.”8
Electronic communication suffers most from the increase of “techspeak,” but it has also crept into verbal communication. Commonly used terms and acronyms among millennials can leave older workers clueless. A useful resource for anyone who wants to learn or confirm the meanings of technology terms is “The Top 30 Internet Terms for Beginners, 2016” by Internet basics expert Paul Gil.9 People can also consult sites such as connexin.net, onlineslangdictionary.com, and slang.org for help. Understanding the language of today’s workplace will give digital immigrants more confidence in their interactions with younger coworkers. Digital natives need to be patient and helpful with older peers as they become conversant with new terms and acronyms.
Enunciation and regional accents are other aspects of speech to be conscious of. Speaking clearly, with as few fillers as possible (um, ah, like, you know, etc.), makes us sound far more articulate and thoughtful. Regional accents might require attention, too. Boston’s “Paak the caah in Haavaad Yaad” is a real thing. Famous for dropping and adding R’s, Bostonians don’t go to California; they go to “Californier.” They drink “wata,” not water.
Hearing an authentic Boston accent is, for me, comforting because it means home. But to people from other places, a strong Boston accent may sound provincial. If others can’t understand you or tease you about your accent, try to minimize or even lose it if you can—or risk being seen as unsophisticated or unintelligent.
How do you lose a regional accent? Listen to newscasters! Their job is to disseminate information and build trust with the widest possible audience. To accomplish this, they must deliver news without a hint of regionalized accents. Try to emulate their speaking style by repeating their words with the same enunciation.
It goes without saying, using foul language or making disparaging remarks about others reflects badly on those using or making them. It could also cost promotions or jobs. Swearing raises red flags about an individual’s maturity, self-control, and even intelligence. Foul language is offensive to many and can become an HR issue, especially if it is deemed offensive from gender, religious, or cultural perspectives. Swearing is tolerated in some industries more than others, but in general, using foul language does not enhance one’s brand and may impact one’s future.
It’s 8:00 Wednesday morning in Atlanta, and Zoe has arrived at her desk. There is an incoming call from her boss, MaryAnn, who is on an extended business trip to Tokyo. “Why is she calling at this hour? It’s 9:00 P.M. Tokyo time!” Zoe says under her breath.
Then, like a ton of bricks, it hits Zoe: her boss is checking on the materials for this Friday’s meeting—the materials Zoe hasn’t sent! Before she left last week, MaryAnn had instructed her to FedEx to Tokyo 10 bound hard copies of the comprehensive proposal she would need for the client meeting, along with small gifts for each of the attendees. Originally, MaryAnn was going to carry them with her in her luggage, but with 10 days until the meeting, she decided it would be easier to have them shipped.
In her haste to get all of the predeparture travel details buttoned up, Zoe had only been half-listening to MaryAnn’s laundry list of postdeparture instructions, thinking she’d deal with them later. Now, just two days before the meeting, there is not enough time to get the shipment to Tokyo. She braces herself and takes the call. She knows, too late, she should have listened more carefully. What could she possibly say to her boss now? She is filled with dread as she picks up the phone.
Listening is the great and rare gift you give to others. It shows respect and validates feelings. It allows them to vent emotions, gain perspective, clarify thinking, and develop trust. Listeners benefit, too. Greater understanding, fewer mistakes, improved morale, saved time, solved problems, and increased productivity are the results of good listening. Listening boosts reputations and strengthens career prospects. Listening is the magic bullet. So why don’t people listen?
In part, it is because human beings have a limited attention span, estimated at just eight seconds. People are also so consumed by content on the Internet that they can barely remember their own birthdays, let alone the details of what others are telling them. It seems that an increase in the use of technology is met with a commensurate decrease in attention span.
The myth of multitasking is another barrier. Many people think they can effectively listen and engage in other activities at the same time. But there is zero evidence to confirm that. John Medina, author of the book Brain Rules, says, “The brain naturally focuses on concepts sequentially, one at a time . . . to put it bluntly, research shows that we cannot multitask.”10 Ryan Weaver, marketing analyst at Mentor Works Ltd., the financing consultancy, says “the proper word for what is commonly referred to as multitasking is ‘task-switching,’ and it is an imaginary skill.”11 No matter what it’s called, studies point out that it doesn’t work. When people try to perform multiple tasks at once, they decrease their productivity and increase their errors. And relationships suffer.
Short attention spans, multitasking, and a scarcity of time combine to make listening a challenging undertaking at best. Add to this the fact that most people are not all that interested in issues that do not directly impact them, and listening takes a hit. But listen we must! And it requires real effort.
Listening well means putting aside our own feelings and thoughts to absorb the speakers’ thoughts and feelings. It does not necessarily mean agreeing with what others say, only that we hear what they say. Listening well means giving undivided attention, tuning into and mirroring others’ emotions, relating as best we can to what is being said, encouraging speakers to say more, and paraphrasing often so speakers know they are understood. Good listeners don’t push conversations in particular directions. Instead, they immerse themselves in what others are saying and feeling and then, if appropriate, share insights, answer questions, or offer solutions.
Remove distractions. Give the person you are listening to your undivided attention. Turn away from your computer screen. Mute your phone. Look directly at the person speaking. And perhaps take the conversation to a private room to minimize interruptions.
Be receptive. Don’t judge what is being said, finish sentences, supply words, change the subject, or commandeer the conversation.
Provide feedback and convey empathy. Emotionally connect with the person you are listening to and let them know you are interested and understand. Offer conversational “door openers” such as “That’s interesting, please go on” or “I’m glad you said that!” Tune in to their emotions by saying, “That sounds exciting!” (Or frustrating, confusing, overwhelming, etc.) Use nonverbal cues: nods, smiles, furrowed brows, or looks of surprise or delight.
Maintain discretion. Loose lips sink more than ships. They can sink your business, your career, and your finances. They can even land you in jail. Gossip breeds ill will, poor morale, lost productivity, and permanently damaged relationships. Betray a confidence and people will see you as untrustworthy, unprofessional, insecure, or just plain mean. Conversely, the person who demonstrates she can be trusted wins friends and allies and gains a reputation as someone who is mature and professional.
As you advance in your career, the need for clear, sensitive communication will grow. Without strong communication skills, there may not be advancement. Warren Buffet, Richard Branson, Mark Zuckerberg, and Oprah Winfrey have followed different paths to success, but all are exceptional communicators. Each in their own way has learned how to engage in conversation, read and send nonverbal cues, and listen well.
Nonverbal communication says volumes. Read and use nonverbal cues to your advantage.
Eye contact has enormous power. It shows respect, engenders trust, and helps strengthen brands.
Good things come to good conversationalists. Practice your skills until conversation is one of your strongest skills.
Listening well reaps great rewards. Use the knowledge and trust that respectful listening creates to become an exemplary employee, colleague, and business partner.