It happened so slowly,
So slowly I couldn’t see.
She ruined me, damned me,
And brought me to my knees.
I can’t deny there was only one,
Only her for me.
One true love is a lie,
But with her, it has to be.
It’s odd how love was there right from the start and I didn’t even know it. Hindsight is twenty-twenty; I’ve made enough mistakes to know that. It doesn’t explain how I couldn’t see how obvious it was, right from the first night. Everything I did and said was different, everything I wanted changed.
My old bedroom in my father’s house reminds me of all the times I spent here, but more than anything it reminds me of the last time I was in here. When I was crying like a bitch on my bed, burying my head into the pillow and refusing to accept that my mother was dying.
The red plaid flannel sheets are tucked in tight. It feels like this room’s been frozen in time since I was here last. Kat fixed the sheets the same way when she made the bed the next morning. She held me all night. She let me cry and didn’t tell me to stop or tell me to do anything at all. She just loved me. Freely and for no good reason.
I think she loved me from the very beginning, though. Looking back on it all, I know I had to have loved her right from the moment she stepped out of that car. The door shut with a click and my heart was finally in motion.
I remember that first date we had a few days after we met. I could still feel the beat of the heavy music in the club pumping through my veins as I opened the door to my apartment on the edge of Brooklyn. I glanced over my shoulder to take a peek at her, knowing the alcohol was wearing off and what I wanted was more than obvious. Part of me expected her to back out of coming upstairs.
I could tell she was surprised by how nice my place was. Maybe I can credit her curiosity for why she gathered up the nerve to follow my lead. There was a lot of remodeling going on in the city and I spent my money wisely, always have. Investing in properties is what my father did when he had the chance. I learned from him, but did it on a much larger scale.
The second the door closed, my hands were all over her just like they had been in the taxi and in the club. We were drawn toward each other.
That’s why I think it was love. Lust is one thing. It comes and goes. The moment you’re filled and satisfied, disinterest takes its place. But that’s never been the case for us. There was always more. Even as we grew apart, it only made what could be that much more tempting.
I turn the lights off in my bedroom as a distant siren drowns out the silence of the room and headlights from a passing car leave stripes of light moving through the small space.
Again, I remember what we used to have. Who we used to be. The first night we spent together is all I can think about. The day she ruined me forever. And I didn’t even know it was happening.
She wrapped those sweet lips of hers around my dick before I could stop her. We’d only just gotten inside and I was planning on moving a little slower. I would’ve skipped the foreplay and gone straight for what I wanted if I didn’t think she’d appreciate taking my time. When she dropped to her knees in front of me, taking me by surprise, I wasn’t going to tell her no.
I was paralyzed as she dug her fingers into my thighs and sucked her way down my length. Her cheeks hollowed as she moaned and I swear I almost came just from the sight of her.
My balls tightened as she pulled back, letting my dick pop out of her mouth and then licking the tip. Her tongue slid up my slit as she worked my shaft and then did it again. The sight of her on her knees and practically worshipping my cock is something I can never forget. It was the shock mostly, I think. A woman who was already too good for me. A woman who was probably slumming it, was on her knees devouring me and loving every second of it.
My fingers speared through her hair as I closed my eyes and let myself enjoy it. Only for a moment, though. I wanted more of her and I was sure I only had the night.
Time moved so slowly as I savored each second of her, wanting more and knowing I could have it, but not ready for it to end.
She stared up at me, licking her lips and shaking her head when I tugged on her to come up and stop. Her lips were already swollen as she panted and then leaned forward. Ignoring me and taking what she wanted.
I watched as she closed her eyes and pushed me all the way to the back of her throat, forcing me to groan from deep in my chest. My dick twitches remembering how her mouth felt like heaven. I fisted my hand in her hair and pulled her off of me; it was fucking torture, wanting what she was giving me, but knowing I’d need more.
“Strip down,” I groaned out, my head leaned back and my eyes closed. As if I had any control at all over her.
She shook her head again and I couldn’t believe the plea that slipped from her lips.
“I want you to come in my mouth.” She said it so simply, although breathlessly with her chest rising and falling, but full of truth. Her voice was laced with desire, but it was the way her shoulders rose and fell with her heavy breathing and the way she scooted closer to me, eager and begging for more that convinced me.
I could never say no to Kat. She doesn’t ask for a damn thing. Never has, and I’ve wished she would. I’d give her the world if I could. But that night there was no fucking way I was going to deny her that.
I’m a selfish man, after all.
I slipped my hand around the back of her head as my toes curled. I was almost embarrassed by how quickly she got me off.
She didn’t stop swallowing until I was spent and even then, she bobbed lightly on my dick and sucked like she wanted more. My greedy little sex kitten.
After she was done with me, when I’d pulled my pants up and stared down at her, the atmosphere changed.
“I don’t have sex on the first date,” she stated shyly, wiping her lips. A blush rose to her cheeks as she slowly stood up, trying to keep her balance by gripping onto my arm. She was hesitant, embarrassed maybe. I think it was vulnerability. I think she was afraid I’d be done. She was afraid it was only lust.
“Oh yeah?” I responded, still trying to catch my breath and get a sense of who this girl was. “So what’s this then?”
When I looked in her eyes, I knew what the real reason was. She thought I’d be done with her if I got her in bed.
More importantly, it meant she wanted to keep me.
The cockiness at that realization has never felt so good.
She wanted more and all the same, she was terrified to have me. Maybe scared she couldn’t keep me, or scared to keep me. I still can’t tell which was the motivating factor.
The thought made my still-hard dick even harder. And I stroked myself once and then again until she noticed. A smirk lifted up my lips as I saw her eyes widen.
“What if I want you? What if I want to take care of you now?” I asked her, taking a step forward and forcing her back. Her knees hit the bed and she nearly collapsed, the heat growing between us and nearly suffocating me.
I kissed my way down her neck, letting the heat between us climb higher and higher.
“Not just yet,” I said as I stroked my dick again, feeling it turn hard as steel again already. “Let me taste you,” I whispered.
Her gorgeous eyes peeked up at me through her thick lashes.
“Take it easy on me, will you?” Her words were playful, again feigning a strength that wasn’t quite there. She was exposed and weak for me. Both of us knew it, only she was pretending she wasn’t.
It’s something that made me crave her more.
“Sure,” I whispered in her ear as I pushed her onto the bed. But I never had any intention of holding back when it came to her.
I fucked her as hard as I could into that mattress. I buried myself inside her and held off as long as possible, taking her higher and higher each time until she was holding on to me for her life. Her nails scratched and dug into my skin as she screamed out my name.
I destroyed her the best way I could. And I’ve never been more satisfied of anything else in my life.
Kat’s an emotional woman. I didn’t see it at first, but that night, our first night, I got my first taste of it. I could practically hear her tell me she loved me. If nothing else, I know she loved what I did to her.
I wanted to hear her tell me those words so badly. More than anything else, I wanted this woman to admit it. She fell in love with me that first night.
I was desperate for it.
I didn’t realize that night that the look in her eyes was exactly what I felt too. Desperate to keep her, but knowing it was never supposed to happen.
I turn on my heels, facing the door as the sound of someone coming up the stairs brings me back to today. Six years later, that night is just a distant memory.
The door to my bedroom opens wide, creaking as it does and revealing my father. I haven’t seen him like this in a long damn time.
His hair’s been gray for a while, but it’s just a bit too long and thinner. With the deep wrinkles around his eyes and only wearing a T-shirt and flannel pants, he looks older and frailer than I remember. Beaten down. Just a few years can change everything. Has it been that long since I really looked at him?
“You getting comfortable in here?” Pops asks me as he walks in and takes a look at the dresser. He runs a hand along it and then makes a face as he turns his hand over and sees the dust there. As he wipes his hand on the flannel pajamas he adds, “It’s about time you came back to clean your room.”
A rough chuckle barely makes its way up my chest.
“When are you moving out of this place?” I ask him jokingly.
“When I’m dead and gone,” my father answers me the same way he has for years now. Ever since Ma passed, I’ve wanted him to move. He won’t, though, and I can’t blame him.
“Good thing I’m not in a nursing home. Don’t think you’d like to crash there, would you?”
I give him a tight smile, feeling nothing but shame. I run my hand through my hair searching for some sort of an explanation, but I can’t lie to my father and I don’t want to tell him the truth. So I don’t say anything and stare past him instead.
The silence is thick between us until he speaks, glancing around the room rather than looking at me.
“I messed up before with your mother, you know. She kicked me out. I thought it was over.” My father flicks on the light and stalks slowly toward the bed, ignoring the fact that I just wanted to pass out and try to sleep. As if I’d be able to in this room.
“I was younger than you, though. By the time I was your age, we’d had you. I’d settled down and stopped being stupid.”
“What’d you do?” I ask my father out of genuine curiosity. I’d never seen anything but love from my parents. They never fought in front of me and the one time I came home early, catching them in the heat of a fight, they stopped immediately.
Later that night, when I was sitting in front of the TV, cross-legged and way too close, all I could hear was him apologizing in the kitchen. It’d been quiet all afternoon and night.
“I don’t want you to go to bed mad at me,” I heard him tell her.
It was the only fight I’d ever witnessed and I remember being scared that he’d done something that Ma wasn’t going to forgive.
But she did. I never asked back then, and I’m sure if I did he wouldn’t remember. This fight he’s talking about obviously isn’t that.
“What do you think I did?” he answers me. “We were young and stupid and had a bad fight over money or something. I got drunk, kissed a girl at a bar … went back to her place. I felt like shit about it and she smacked me right across the face too.” He smirks at the memory. “She beat the hell out of me. Kicked me out.” The smile falls and he shakes his head as he adds, “I deserved it.”
“I can’t imagine you ever doing that.”
“I loved your mother. I was angry at her over something stupid, I can’t even remember what.”
The silence stretches between us again as he struggles to come up with what to say next. “I proposed to her a few months after we got back together.” A huff of a laugh leaves him and he adds, “God rest her soul,” as he twists the wedding band around his ring finger. He’s never taken it off. For the same reason he’ll never leave this house.
He still needs her. Even if it’s just the memory of her.
“The point is, we all make mistakes,” he says and then squares his shoulders at me, raising both of his hands and shaking them, “when we’re young and allowed to be stupid.”
“I’m not that old,” I tell him half-heartedly, trying to play it all off. I know what he’s getting at, but I don’t need to be lectured. I’m well aware of how stupid I’ve been. He’s the one who has no idea how badly I’ve fucked up. “I’ll fix it, Pops.”
The silence drags on again and all I can think about is every position I’ve put myself in where not being faithful to my wife would have been the easy thing to do. I focus on that truth and not the night that still haunts me.
“What are you doing, Evan?” my father asks as I dump my bag on the bed. “You’ve fucked up more than you should have. You’re too old to be carrying on like this.”
My initial reaction is to bite back that he’s wrong. That he has no idea what’s going on. But it wouldn’t matter.
I nod my head and let the strap from the bag fall off my shoulder. “Yeah, I know.”
“You need to make this right,” he tells me, holding my gaze and pointing a finger at me.
I swallow thickly, knowing he’s right. But I haven’t got a clue how to make this better. I can’t take back what’s been done.
I’m fucked.
“Yeah, I know.”