I tried it. I swear I tried to give her space.
Kat says that’s what she needs, but I know it’s not. This plan of hers isn’t what she needs and it’s sure as hell not what I want.
She needs me. Period. She needs me to be there and that’s where I’ve failed. Not just in the last few weeks. For years, I chose a lifestyle that forced us apart.
I can fix this, but not by running to Pops and leaving her all alone with nothing but this city whispering in her ear.
My arm stiffens as I slide the key into the lock to our townhouse. My heart doesn’t beat until it turns, proving she didn’t change the locks. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was still holding and push it open. I’m prepared with what I need to say. Prepared to hold my ground and not take no for an answer.
But it only takes one step inside of our living room for all of it to slip away from me.
Kat looks so tired, so worn out propped up in the corner of the sofa with her laptop sitting to the left of her, but the screen’s black. She has a cup of coffee in her hands as well as bags under her eyes. She turns to me slowly, wiping the sleep from her eyes and adjusting herself slightly. With the gentle protest of the sofa, I shut the door behind me.
“What are you doing here?” she asks me, still seated with her legs tucked underneath her on the sofa. I’m stunned for a moment because she’s so fucking beautiful, even in this state. My body’s drawn to her. If it were another time, I’d go to the sofa, push the laptop off and lie down, making her take a break. I’d kiss her until her body writhed against mine.
And she’d let me. She’d let me make her relax. At least she would have a year ago.
“This is my house.” I try not to say the words too firmly. “Our house,” I correct myself and swallow before continuing and taking a single step closer to her. “I worked my ass off—”
“Then I’ll move out,” Kat quickly states matter-of-factly, but the pain is barely disguised. She seems to snap out of whatever daze had her captive before I came in here.
“I don’t want you to move out. We don’t need this.” I emphasize my words.
“I asked for time and space because I don’t know what to do, Evan. You aren’t giving me any options without telling me what happened.”
“You want to know?” I look her in the eyes, feeling my blood pulse harder in my veins.
“Are you going to tell me the truth?” she asks me in a cracked whisper. “All of it?”
All of it? I have to break her gaze. I can’t. I can’t confess everything. I’d lose her forever.
The second I break eye contact, she scoffs. “You’re so full of shit. Why are you doing this to me?” she asks me, although it’s rhetorical. There’s a loathing in her tone but more than that it’s pain.
Why am I doing this to her? If it was only so easy as doing something. There’s nothing I can do.
“I didn’t come home to fight.”
“Neither did I … but here we are,” she retorts, taking in a shuddering breath. “I asked for time, Evan.”
Tossing my keys on the coffee table, I make my way into the living room and sit across from her in the armchair. I’m not foolish enough to think she’d let me sit close enough to touch her. Even as I sit here, feet away, she bends her legs in closer and pushes the laptop to the side. Like she’s ready to run at a moment’s notice.
Time slips by as I lean back, letting a long exhale take up some of it. “I just want to be home with you while this blows over.”
“Blows over?” I don’t know how she can make a whisper seem hysterical. I’m not good with words. I never have been, but I wish I had the wisdom to say the right thing right now.
“Maybe this is the moment,” she states with a sad smile on her beautiful face.
“The moment?”
“The moment that changes everything for the rest of my life. I’ve been wondering exactly what moment it was, but thought maybe it hasn’t happened yet.”
Her words settle deep in my very core and a tingling runs through my fingers up my arms. Slow, yet all-consuming. Her face changes from the sarcastic disappointment that she had when she said the words. As if only just now realizing the magnitude of them herself.
“We can go back. I promise,” I tell her softly, raising my hands just slightly, but the fear of losing her keeps my blood cold and my motions subtle.
“It’s called separating for a reason,” she says, whispering her response. As if what we had the other night meant nothing. As if there’s no reason for us to be together. Maybe she really doesn’t love me anymore. The fissure in my chest deepens, feeling like it’s cracked wide open.
“We’re not separated.”
“Yes we are.”
“We didn’t decide to do that,” I answer her. “You were angry.”
“Rightfully so,” she spits back.
“I told you it’s not true,” I plead with her as I stare deep into her eyes. I watch as they gloss over and her lower lip trembles. “Just …” I swallow thickly, the lump growing in the back of my throat suffocating any plea I have for her. Just love me. Just forgive me.
I turn away from her from her for a moment, not able to voice what I’m feeling. I lean forward in the chair, and it creaks as I rest my weight in it. Kat starts to get up in response.
“I don’t want to fight,” I remind her.
“I don’t want this, Evan. I didn’t ask for this,” she says, raising her voice for the second part, the anger coming back. She stops moving, though, and I can tell she’s losing the will to fight. It’s by the way her lips are parted just so, and her breathing is quicker and she has that little crease in the center of her forehead.
“I don’t know what to do or say, or what to think. I feel crazy.” She stares at me wide eyed, her voice sounding hoarse. “Do you understand what that’s like? To be so stupid? To know I’m being stupid and setting myself up for you to hurt me again.”
“I won’t hurt you—” The truth rushes out of me in a single breath, but she doesn’t let me finish.
“But you did,” she says, cutting me off and rocking forward just slightly as she points out the obvious. “And you won’t even tell me why.” Her shoulders shudder, but she doesn’t cry, she holds her ground.
“I don’t want to lose you, Kat,” I manage to speak and peek up to look at her. I’m such a piece of shit. “I just want you. It’s the honest to God truth. I just want you.”
“I want you to quit,” she tells me and rocks on her feet to stand. She nods her head and visibly swallows. “You need to quit.” She stares at me, her emerald eyes pleading. Her body’s still, like she’s not breathing. Just waiting.
“It’s not that easy,” I say and God I wish she knew. I want to tell her everything, but I can’t risk it. I can’t leave right now. I just need time.
“It is that easy; you quit or leave.” I stare into her eyes that swirl with nothing but raw vulnerability, and hesitate.
“You’re giving me an ultimatum?” Even as I ask her, I know that’s what she’s doing.
She has no idea.
“I just need time.” I need her to just give me time. As soon as I’m out of this, I can do whatever she wants.
But not right now.
I can feel her slipping away. Every second that passes where I don’t tell her, she’s turning colder toward me. But she can’t know. No one can.
My lips part and I can feel my lungs still. The words are right there. Begging me, and desperate for her to hear. I need her more than anything.
“Kat.” I say her name but it’s so much more. It’s me begging for her to love me blindly, to trust that I love her and that I’d never do anything to hurt her.
I can’t. I can’t risk losing her, and I won’t do it.
My mouth closes and I turn away from her, running my hand over my face.
“Get out,” Kat states and her voice hitches at the end. I turn to see her cover her face.
The next bit happens so fast. It’s a blur as I close the distance between us. It only takes three steps, but by the time my arms wrap around her, she’s pushing me away. Her hands slam into my chest. She tries to knock me back, but only manages to throw herself off-balance instead.
I grip her hips to steady her, but she slaps me. Hard across the face and the sting catches me by surprise.
I flex my jaw as she screams at me to get out. Her body’s shaking. The sinful mix of hatred and betrayal ring in the air between us.
How the hell did I let this happen?
“Do you really want me out?” I ask her, genuinely not knowing anymore. I don’t know at what point I lost her completely. There’s only so many times I can ask her to give me everything while I hold back.
I guess I should be more surprised it hasn’t happened sooner.
Rubbing my jaw as I take a step back, I give her the only bit of space I’m willing to offer. “I know you still love me,” I tell her and watch as she rips her eyes from me. Her face is blotchy and red and her breathing is frantic.
But she calms as she stands there not able to answer me. That’s all I needed. Just a little bit. Please, Kat. Just hold on a little while longer.
“Just tell me the truth,” she begs me and I wish I could. I feel my throat tighten and my body tense. My hands clench as I swallow.
“I didn’t sleep with her.” I answer without wasting a second and even I don’t believe my words. But it’s not what she thinks. I wish I could tell her, but the moment she finds out, everything will be at risk.
“Why don’t I believe you?” she says and I don’t have the decency to answer.
“I swear, Kat.”
“So you’ve never slept with her?” she asks me and I know it’s over. Her expression changes and her eyes darken when the silence stretches too long. So many secrets have built up. Too many to hide. She was never supposed to know. “Since we’ve been married,” I start to say, knowing I’m toeing the line of truth, “I’ve never slept with anyone. Never kissed anyone but you.” I look her in the eyes so she can see it’s the truth. “The day I put that ring on your finger, it was only you.”
“Then why put me through this?” she asks me with tears in her eyes. “And what were you doing?” I struggle to keep my breathing calm as the questions start piling up. “What were you doing with her in that hotel if you weren’t sleeping with her.”
I lick my dry lips and take a step forward. “Things got out of hand.”
“Why were you with her?” Kat presses and I know she wants an answer right now.
“Because it’s what I had to do,” I say, telling her the truth with my eyes closed.
“What you had to do? You had to go to her hotel at three in the morning?” I can’t look at her as I nod my head. “And you couldn’t tell me this before?” I nod my head again.
“You tell me everything right now, or you leave.”
“Another ultimatum?” The words drip with disdain.
“Don’t talk to me like that,” she says. Her tone is dismissive and I can hear her resolve harden.
“It’s better if you didn’t know everything,” I answer gently yet firmly just the same.
“Are you serious right now? You’re throwing away our marriage over her? Over your job?”
“Kat, just—” I start to say, but she cuts me off.
“Fuck you,” she sneers then yells, “I said get out.”
“I’m not leaving,” I tell her firmly, staring back at her, even as she turns her back to me.
“It doesn’t matter, the weekend’s coming,” she says beneath her breath as she leaves me.
I keep my feet planted as she stomps up the stairs and I wait for more. I wait for her to push me out, to yell at me, to demand more from me. I’m ready to fight, ready for war with her to keep her. But that’s not what I get.
She gives me back exactly what I gave her. Nothing.