Never trapped, never alone,
This city never sleeps.
Even in the daylight,
The sins are left to creep.
They tempt me and pull me,
And make me feel alive.
My mouth is dry, my body hot.
In temptation regrets will thrive.
My iPhone lights up as I push the top button to check the time again, and then again to look at the date. I’m anxious for this meeting; unusually so. Then again, I’m anxious all the time now.
Evan hasn’t come home; he isn’t talking to me. It’s been four days and each day I feel like I need to cave more and more. I didn’t know how much I wanted him there until he was gone. I just need him back.
A huff leaves me and I shake my head at the thought. Breakups are always hard and that’s what this is, so there’s only one way to move on and that’s to get it over with.
I don’t want to be in our townhouse, but I have nowhere else to go.
An easy breath leaves me as I stand behind the only woman in line at Brew Madison and tilt my head to read the sign on the back wall. All the beverages they have to offer are written on a large chalkboard, and large bakery cases house all the treats they have available. From small pastries to toasted breakfast sandwiches, all lined up as if they’re plastic replicas, even though I know they’re freshly made and just simply that good.
I haven’t had much of an appetite, but every sip of my coffee this morning made me nauseated, so a blueberry muffin top it is.
The brunette curls of the woman in front of me swing from side to side as she gives her order. I can’t see her face, but I know she’s young. From her bright red high heels and black leather jacket paired with white shorts a bit too short for fall, she’s definitely a downtown girl.
I smile at the thought as she waits for her coffee: pumpkin spice.
I used to be like her. Stylish and in charge of my destiny. New to the city and ready to tame it.
I thought I had.
A career and reputation in this publishing industry that I reached within only a few years. I’m an agent worth my weight now and everyone knows it. My name and brand have a meaning to them. The clients are coming in and I’m able to hire more reps and editors. It’s the business I’ve always wanted. More than that, I’m married to a man who still drips of sex appeal and has an edge to him that is irresistible. We own our townhouse near Madison Square Garden. Even if it is small, it’s the closest we could get. And it’s New York, so location is everything.
And my closet … the girl in front of me would kill for my closet. Not that she would know it based on how I’m dressed at the moment.
My name has a purpose and strength to it that made me proud. Evan and I were a powerhouse in the social scene. The couple everyone wanted to be. But envy comes with threats and in its nature, ruins. Rumors and gossip created a wedge between the two of us.
In the last few years, the highs of this world have crashed as my marriage slowly dissolved.
I let it. I spent my life not living it, wanting more and more from my work. Running as fast as I could, just to stay still while I ignored every other change in the world around me. How could I not have seen it deteriorating?
As the woman turns and I get a look at her cateye makeup that’s subtle enough to still be businesslike and red lips that match her heels, I remember that feeling that used to flow through me. The one that said I could conquer anything.
Yeah, I used to be like her. I still have the heels and even the stylish clothes, although I lean toward professional these days with my wardrobe and those shorts sure as heck don’t lean that way.
“What can I get you?” the young man asks me from behind the counter. He’s got to be in his early twenties at most. I catch a glimpse of his sleeve tattoo and it reminds me of Evan’s tattoos for only a moment.
More thoughts of Evan. Everything reminds me of him.
“A chai and a blueberry muffin top,” I answer him with a tight voice and clear my throat as I reach for my card in my wallet. It’s a Kate Spade and the soft pink and white match the purse, but I’m only just now realizing that it looks a bit dingy. Not so much so that it’s noticeably dirty. Just enough where it doesn’t look so new anymore.
As I wait for my chai, I get a look at my reflection in the glass. I guess the same can be said about me. My fingers tease my hair at the roots, putting a little more volume there and I apply a coat of stain on my lips while I wait.
I wrap the belt around my shirt a little tighter, showing off my waist and lean to my right in the reflection.
I’m not done yet. There’s still life in me. There’s still that girl who wants more buried deep down inside. But what exactly she wants more of remains a question.
Evan, the silent answer, is obvious.
But instead the voice in my head whispers love.
Even if he can’t give me everything, I know what I’m desperate for: to love and be loved.
The bells to the door chime as I accept my chai and muffin top. I silently pray that it’s not Jacob so I can have a moment to try to shovel this down.
No such luck.
I smile broadly when I see him, hiding everything I was just thinking and focusing on my potential client and his career. I mentally tally up how much work we both need to do to get his branding both going in the right direction and noticed by the right market.
“Jacob,” I greet him and his deep green, hazel eyes focus on me.
“Katerina, it’s wonderful to finally have a one-on-one,” he says as he steps over the welcome mat and slips off his thin, black wool jacket. He has a downtown style that would pair well with the woman who was just here. From his gray shirt that hangs low but is fitted tight across his chest, to the boyish grin and messy dark hair. He’s sex on a stick for sure.
“It is wonderful to see you in person, thank you so much for meeting me here,” I say as I make my way to the front of the shop, making sure not to spill the hot drink in my hand.
“Finally meeting my maybe new agent,” he says with both an asymmetric smile and pride.
“I’m so happy you’re thinking of signing with us,” I answer sweetly.
“The rain this fall is ridiculous,” Jacob states as he runs his hand over his hair and then wipes it off on his worn jeans.
His white Chuck Taylor sneakers squeak on the floor as he takes a step closer to me. His expression is comical. With both hands full, one of chai and the other with the muffin top, I gesture to the table where I already have my laptop set up. “Right over here,” I tell him and put both the chai and the pastry to the left side of my computer before turning around to face him.
I have to crane my neck. “You’re so much taller in person,” I tell him and hold out a hand for a handshake. His right hand engulfs mine and his shake is firm.
The grin on his face grows to a wide smile and his perfect teeth flash back at me.
He’s damn good looking and the fact that his face isn’t anywhere on his profiles or brand is a mistake. I watch him as I take my seat, keeping the smile where it belongs on my expression.
“You are too good looking for every one of your readers not to see your face. I know this is a meeting to see if you’re interested in coming on board and if our goals align, but the way I like to approach things is to treat you like a client from the start so you know what you’re getting. There’s so much we have to offer at the agency and I’m sure you’ll appreciate not wasting time.”
“I like to know what I’m getting; let’s dive in. What do you want from me, Katerina?” Jacob asks me and for a split second, a thought enters my mind.
It’s only a fraction of a second. A glimpse of his mouth on mine, his hands on my body. Pushing me against the wall like Evan did only a few nights ago.
Thankfully, it vanishes before I can show any admission of what I was thinking.
With a deep inhale, I shake off the unwanted thought and I focus on the plan I have laid out for him as I rotate the computer around on the table.
“We’re going to start with your strengths. Obviously. your writing is one of them. Let’s also work our way into other aspects of marketing and social media that I think you’re ignoring. We can come up with a solid plan that you’re comfortable with, but more importantly, one that will work to give you momentum before this upcoming release.”
The words come out of my mouth smoothly even though my mind’s racing.
It’s been a while since I’ve looked at a man and thought the things running through my head. I tell myself it’s because I’m looking for comfort. Searching for someone to desire me like Evan does.
So I don’t feel trapped and alone.
“Lead the way, Miss Thompson.”
I shake my head, ready to correct him, ready to tell him it’s Mrs. Thompson. Instead I bite my tongue. In fact, I find myself hiding my left hand behind the computer.
It’s only because the attention is nice.
A distraction, a sweet voice whispers in the back of my head as I smile at Jacob and hit the right arrow on the keyboard to move to the first point I want to make.
I leave my hand where it’s hidden and when he tells me goodbye, again referring to me as “Miss,” I still don’t correct him.