Sunday, December 24
At least two hours had passed since Neil had gripped her arms and helped her scrabble up the ledge to reach his side. It hadn’t been easy. The walls of the cave were damp and slick, her dress and cloak were ungainly, and her left wrist and hand throbbed painfully.
She’d cried out in pain when he pulled, which she knew had made Neil feel worse. She’d felt terrible for not being able to hold back her cry and apologized several times.
He’d brushed off her worries, citing the obvious. She was injured and climbing up had made her hand hurt.
After Susanna had gotten up safely, they scooted back against the wall. They were sitting side by side. A little while ago, she clasped his arm tightly with her good hand, curving her body into his for added warmth. It was so very cold.
Neil had become even quieter. She knew he was worried about her and about how long the two of them would be able to manage before they were rescued.
She was worried about those things as well. She knew God watched after His flock, and she knew He wouldn’t have placed the two of them here in this cave without a good reason. But even knowing that didn’t make their circumstances feel any easier.
“Do you think it’s still snowing?” she asked after silently praying for help yet again.
“Hmm? Oh, well, jah. I mean, probably so,” Neil replied, his distracted tone revealing that he, too, had been letting his mind drift. “The weather reports predicted it was going to snow through the night and give everyone a white Christmas.”
“That will be something,” she said, attempting to infuse a bit of excitement in her voice. “Ain’t so?”
“Jah.” He cleared his throat. “I’m sure it’s going to look real pretty. My mother will be so pleased.”
“My sister Traci will be excited about it, too.” Though she doubted any member of her family was going to be thinking about the weather conditions if she and Neil weren’t found. “Neil, if . . . if the snow continues to fall, all of our tracks will be covered up.”
“I thought of that, too. But we left the wagon. Someone will see that.”
“You’re right.” She tried to inject a note of optimism in her voice but feared she was failing miserably. “And surely someone will remember us pulling it. We went to a lot of houses.”
“That is true. My mother has no doubt been telling everyone whose houses we were going to. I bet my father or Roy or any number of other people have gone to each one to see if we showed up. So, you see, it’s only a matter of time before someone walks down that alleyway.”
Unless no one was looking for them yet. Or, unless they didn’t see the wagon or didn’t see where their weight broke through the old dilapidated entrance.
“I bet my parents or yours have already contacted Sheriff Brewer,” she continued in her bright tone. “And I bet he’s put Deputy Beck and everyone from the volunteer fire department on the streets.”
He laughed, the noise echoing in the dark cave. “Maybe so.”
As his laughter faded, new tension filled the air. Though she didn’t want to borrow trouble, Susanna also didn’t want to pretend the obvious couldn’t be occurring. “Have you thought that maybe someone sabotaged that walkway on purpose?”
“Like someone knew we would be heading to that house?”
“Jah.”
He sighed. “I haven’t wanted to believe it, but I think there really is someone who doesn’t want your family living on that farm. Maybe he doesn’t even want me there, either.”
“But why? It’s just land.”
“It is just farmland to you. To me, it represents a legacy that I’ve always assumed I was going to inherit. Maybe it represents something else to whoever has been bothering your family.”
She racked her brain, trying to think what that could be. Then she realized that there was no point in trying to discover a logical reason for someone to break bridges and fencing, shoot at her buggy, burn out buildings, and now trap them in a cave on Christmas Eve. She would have never done any of those things.
But someone had.
She was scared. She was frightened and cold and losing hope. Sometime soon, she knew she’d finally lose her battle to keep her tears at bay.
Only the fact that she wasn’t sitting alone was keeping her from giving in to hysterics. She’d never been afraid of the dark, but this abandoned space they were perched on was giving new meaning to pitch-black.
Releasing a ragged breath, she tried to picture Neil. She knew he was sitting right next to her. His knees were pulled up in front of him, one of his arms resting on those knees. His other hand was curved around her knee. His scent, so clean and masculine, helped combat the mustiness and mildew that permeated the space.
Keeping that image in mind, she edged closer and tucked her hand around his arm. Maybe if she concentrated on how he felt and smelled she would be able to block out the musty, cold air that surrounded them.
“I ain’t gonna ask if you’re all right,” Neil said after listening to her carry on for a while. “I know you’re not.”
And that was all she needed to send her over the edge. “I’m so sorry for all of this.” Hearing her words, how useless and, well, pitiful they sounded, given the fact that they were stuck in a cave, she moaned softly. “But saying I’m sorry doesn’t even cover it, does it?”
She felt him shift beside her. “Why do you need to apologize?”
“I don’t know. Maybe if my family had never wanted to move here, your family wouldn’t have moved and everything would still be okay.”
“But it wouldn’t. We had to find a buyer. If your family hadn’t bought our farm, we would have sold it to someone else.”
“Maybe.”
“Nee. It is absolutely true, Susanna. My father owed the bank thousands of dollars. And my uncle was really being difficult. He was wanting to take over the land and eventually sell it to developers. My father wanted to sell it to someone who wanted to farm the land.”
“Maybe I’m the target, then. If you hadn’t been my friend, you wouldn’t be here.”
“Susanna, you need to stop thinking about what-ifs and what-might-have-beens. It serves no purpose and doesn’t change the way things are.”
“You are right. It is impossible to go back in time, I guess.”
“It’s not only impossible, I wouldn’t want to. Everything that’s happened before now has brought us to this place. And one day the two of us are going to understand why the Lord brought us here on Christmas Eve.”
Even though he couldn’t see, she nodded again. She did need to remember his words. That not only was this supposed to happen, that one day they would be just fine and this would be just a memory.
“This is going to sound crazy, but if the Lord really has decided that two people needed to be stuck in this cave tonight, I’m glad I’m with you.”
“Neil. The things you say.”
“It’s true. I couldn’t bear it if I knew you were alone down here.”
“I’m glad you’re here, too.” She could almost feel him smile. She took comfort in that and snuggled closer to him. He lifted his arm and wrapped it around her shoulders. Now her head was resting on his chest. She couldn’t hear his heartbeat through all the layers, but she could feel the firm muscles that lay underneath. She closed her eyes and breathed in his scent again. Tried to imagine that they were somewhere far different. Maybe in a buggy together. Maybe on a couch in a warm living room.
Minutes passed. She gave up straining to hear faint voices or footsteps. She stopped thinking about anything but him and how good it felt to be in his arms.
“Susanna, I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t think of any way to get us out of here. If I had a flashlight, or even a book of matches, things would be different. But I don’t. It’s too dark to explore and try to find another way out. I don’t want to risk leaving you alone, either.”
She trembled. “I don’t know if I could handle sitting here by myself for hours, Neil. I would be too worried about you.”
“At least we’re together.”
Neil’s voice, so thick with emotion, gave her a sense of warmth and security that she’d feared she would never have. How had he become so important to her?
“I used to be afraid of you,” she blurted. In the enclosed space, the words reverberated, practically bouncing off the walls. Embarrassing her. Why in the world had she decided to admit it aloud?
Neil shifted. In her mind, she could see snippets of his face. His furrowed brows. His strong jaw. The faint scar on his left eyebrow. Finally, his light-blue eyes filled with emotion.
But though she could almost perfectly imagine how he was looking, she had no idea what he was thinking. Was he embarrassed? Angry? Amused?
If he was amused by her revelation, that would be so embarrassing. And given that they were stuck together? It would be practically a disaster, and probably no less than she deserved.
He coughed. Then, after a lengthy pause, he spoke. “I know you were. Part of me was a little glad about it, I think.”
“Because you didn’t like me.”
“Because I didn’t want to like you.” He whistled low. “Shoot, I remember the first moment I saw you. You were lying on the ground, snow falling all around you, your lips slightly parted. I feared you were unconscious.” He sighed. “Nee, that ain’t true. I was afraid you were dead, Susanna. I feared you were dead or injured and that I wasn’t going to be able to help you. But in the middle of all of that, I couldn’t help but stare. I thought you were the prettiest thing I’d ever seen.”
“You thought I was pretty. Lying there on the ground,” she murmured.
“Jah. That’s shameful. Ain’t so?” He chuckled low. “I wish I could tell you how ashamed I am of myself. But I can’t deny how I was feeling. Then, when you opened your eyes, they were so green. So perfectly green. Whew. I knew I was a goner.”
“All I remember from that meeting was your deep voice. You sounded almost otherworldly. At first, I thought maybe I had died.”
“And I was your angel? Hardly.”
She chuckled. “I wasna afraid of you then, Neil. I was afraid of you when I realized who you were—and I saw how mad you were at me.”
“I wasn’t mad at you. I was mad at the situation. I thought that the Lord had played a cruel joke on me. I thought I had found a woman to spend the rest of my life with . . . when your being in my life symbolized everything that had gone so wrong. I had a difficult time putting our meeting and the loss of everything I thought I had known together.”
His voice was hoarse, like it was pulling almost everything he had inside of him to share his innermost thoughts with her.
“When did you change your mind?”
He laughed. “Practically the first moment after we parted. I realized that pushing you away had not only caused you pain but hurt me, too. I wanted to get to know you better, you see.”
“I had no idea.”
“I’m glad about that. I was so confused! If you had understood how I was feeling better than I? Well, I would have been even more of an emotional mess.”
Before she could even attempt to reply to that admission, he continued, his voice lowered. “Then there was Dale.”
“Dale? What did he have to do with us?”
“He was my voice of reason. Oh, but he was upset that I had been so awful to you. When I tried to defend myself, he talked to me like only a good friend could. He said I was wrong and that I needed to apologize.”
She smiled to herself, imagining what that conversation must have been like. “I’m guessing his words weren’t easy to hear.”
He chuckled softly. “Not in the least. But when I tried to defend myself again, I realized that I couldn’t. And that’s when I knew.”
“That’s when you knew you liked me?”
“Maybe, I don’t know. All I do know is that I didn’t need a reason to understand my feelings for you. I just did.”
“And then?”
“And then I knew I wanted you to be mine one day,” he said. “I know, right?” He laughed again, but the sound was still forced. Hollow sounding. “None of what I just said probably makes a bit of sense. It probably embarrasses you, too.”
“Nee. I’m not embarrassed.”
“I’m grateful for that, at least.”
His words surprised her but weren’t shocking. She was old enough to feel the tension that had blossomed between them. Old enough to notice when he’d gazed at her a little too long. She’d been aware that he sometimes reached out to assist her when she hadn’t actually needed any help at all.
Susanna knew that the right thing to do would be to reveal how she felt about him as well. He’d taken a risk by being open and honest. To not respond in the same way was doing them both a disservice. But she wasn’t quite ready.
It seemed even when she was trapped in a dark cavern and the chances of being rescued quickly were becoming less and less of a possibility, there were other things she feared almost as much. She was afraid to trust that what they had was real. From the moment their paths had crossed, they’d been caught up in a whirlwind of danger. How would a relationship born of such high drama and emotion survive when things settled down?
Did some relationships fail when there was nothing to keep emotions high? She didn’t know.
Susanna worried, too, about being vulnerable. She didn’t want to risk her heart. She didn’t want to take a chance on giving him the one part of her that he could damage with just a few words or actions.
With all of that in mind, she focused on his words instead of what was in her heart. “During these last couple of weeks, I’ve thought a lot about your resentment of me.”
“Susanna, nee.” He sounded pained. “Didn’t you hear what I said? I was wrong.”
“No, listen to me. I realized that your family was hurting,” she said at last. “I guess you needed an enemy. We provided that for you.”
“That isn’t something I’m proud of.”
“There is nothing wrong with being human, Neil.”
“Maybe not. But it was wrong for me to act so selfishly.”
“Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on yourself?”
“Nee.”
“Neil!” Boy, she wished she could see his face. Baring one’s soul in the dark was a difficult task. She felt like she was fumbling around in a closet, never picking out the right words to say.
“I mean, really, Susanna. Look at us now. Here we are, sitting together in the dark. You’re hurt, it’s cold, and our clothes are damp. Right now, we only have each other. We don’t even have a match or water to drink.”
“You’re not helping me feel better,” she teased.
“I know. But what I’m saying is that right now, when we have so little, I can hardly believe how I acted, as if I deserved more than I was ever given, as if no one else had ever had their financial situations change. It was wrong of me.”
Before she could comment on that, he reached for her hands. “When I heard your buggy crash, I ran across the woods to help you. I prayed that you would survive.”
She squeezed his hands, hoping to convey with her touch how much she appreciated his actions. “You did help me survive. If not for you, I might have died, or at least been a lot worse off. I will always be grateful for you.”
“I know. But will you always be glad that I turned on you so quickly? Practically the moment I realized who you were, I turned away.”
“All that is behind us now.”
“Jah. I suppose it is.”
As the silence stretched between them, Susanna knew there was no better time to share what was in her heart. Gathering her courage, she licked her bottom lip. “Can I tell you something else? Something that I don’t think I would tell you if we weren’t sitting here in the dark?”
“You can tell me anything you want.”
She pulled back her hands, almost afraid to give him both her hands and her heart. “I, well, I think I’ve fallen in love with you.”
She heard his breath hitch. Felt his body tighten as he moved closer and reached for her hands again.
Waiting for his response, she tried to regret being so impulsive. But she couldn’t. She wouldn’t allow herself to be sorry. If this was the last night they had together, she wanted it to be filled with honesty.
After rubbing a thumb over her knuckles, he shifted his hands, linking their fingers together. “I’ve fallen in love with you, too, Susanna.”
“Really?” she asked hesitantly. “You aren’t just saying it because I did?”
“I think you know I’m not the kind of man to say or do anything that I don’t mean.”
“No, I suppose you aren’t.”
“And this is a place for honesty, don’t you think?”
“Yes. That was why I told you what was in my heart. When we’ve practically lost everything else? I think only honesty matters.”
“If we get out of here—” He stopped. “Nee. I mean, when we get out of here, I’m going to talk to your parents. I want to gain their permission and marry you as soon as we can.”
“Neil!”
“No, don’t say it’s too much or too sudden. If tonight has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t want to spend so much time worrying about what people think or how they might react.”
Joy bubbled through her. She’d found joy, here in one of the darkest places she’d ever been. The Lord was showing her that light could shine in almost every corner of the world.