Sunday, December 10
Neil?” Dale called. “Hey, Neil. Wait up.”
He slowed his pace but didn’t stop. He couldn’t. He was already so on edge, he feared that if he stood completely still he was going to do something he would regret. He wasn’t sure what. Maybe yell at his best friend? Maybe yell at the world?
Seconds later, Dale caught up to his side. “What happened with you back there?”
“You know what happened. I lost my temper.”
“I get that. But all Susanna Schwartz wanted was to thank you for helping her. You practically bit her head off.”
“No need to start exaggerating. What I did was bad enough.”
“Ah. So, you are saying you know what you did. Why did you act like such a jerk, then?” Dale’s voice was thick with impatience. “It wasn’t her fault that her parents wanted a good deal on their new home.”
That hurt. Maybe because everything Dale was saying was true. But what Dale wasn’t experiencing was all the pressures Neil had been dealing with at home. He and his brother had jobs now. Every day, they watched their father swallow the last of his pride and work his younger brother’s farm. And their mother? She silently did her best to act like everything was fine.
Watching everyone’s pain was incredibly difficult.
Having Dale talk to Susanna like they were going to be good neighbors to each other had been the last straw. “I can’t talk about this.”
Dale gripped his arm. “Sure you can. You must. You need to swallow your pride and go back there and apologize.”
“I canna do that right now.”
“If not now, when?”
Neil pulled his arm away from Dale’s grip. “I don’t know, okay? Look, I know I shouldn’t have acted that way. I already feel bad about it, too. But I’ve got no more inside of me for Susanna Schwartz right now. I’ve got too much else to worry about. I’ve lost everything.”
Dale shook his head slowly. “That’s where you are wrong. You still have a lot to be grateful for. You have your parents, your brother, and a place to live. You have a new job. You have your health. You have friends who care about you. You definitely haven’t lost everything. Try to remember that, wouldja?”
“See you later, Dale.” He turned and picked up his pace, knowing that Dale was right . . . and he was also so wrong.
While it was true that Neil still did have much to be grateful for, everything he’d ever known had been changed. Everything had changed and he was barely able to pick up all the pieces.
HE WALKED FOR another hour. Eventually, a bank of puffy clouds slowly drifted over the horizon, turning the bright day into a far more dreary one. With it, a new chill seeped into his bones. Deciding that no good was going to come from walking and fuming and wishing for things that weren’t anymore, he headed home at last.
He wasn’t looking forward to it. It was becoming increasingly hard to sit inside his family’s very small house on his uncle’s farm.
A few days ago, he’d come to the realization that it wasn’t just the loss of his home that was so hard. It was the fact that all four of them had seemed determined to dwell on their unhappiness.
Uncle Joseph didn’t make things easier. He was his daed’s younger brother, and Neil and Roy had often privately thought that he was something of a jerk. Neil couldn’t remember a time when his uncle hadn’t been in some kind of competition with their father.
Daed used to laugh it off. After Joseph’s visits, he’d simply shrug and assure them that his brother couldn’t hurt his feelings because the things that he so valued—profits and money—couldn’t compare to the many blessings he had.
Mamm had always agreed and teasingly thanked their father by kissing his whiskered cheek.
When he and Roy were younger, Neil had thought that little display of affection was far too sweet and a little embarrassing. After all, he didn’t know of any other parents who were so affectionate with each other. But as he’d gotten older, Neil began to understand what his father was saying. Joseph had never married or had children. He had no one to go home to at night or who was waiting for him, excited to share the day’s news.
But over the last three years, when the farm began to struggle and their crops didn’t fare as well as some of the other farms in the area, his father’s attitude seemed to change.
Little by little, the easygoing, fun-loving man they’d always known had been replaced by someone far different. Daed started visiting his brother more often.
Only when the farm went up for sale did Neil and Roy discover the reasons for those visits. Their father had been borrowing money to make ends meet. Then he’d started gambling. And he lost even more money.
Though his father never completely came out and said it, Neil was sure his uncle was lording that over him. That was why their father had been so ready to sell. He’d hoped to make enough on the farm to pay back his brother and buy a smaller farm and begin again.
But they hadn’t gotten near what he’d hoped to get for the land.
Which was why they were now renting the old house on their uncle’s property while Daed helped his brother farm and Neil and Roy worked at other jobs. Even their mother was making Christmas cookies, pies, and cakes and selling them at Bill’s Diner or taking orders from friends and neighbors.
One day things would be good again. One day, too, he was sure he’d stop blaming Susanna and her family for buying their farm. In his heart, he knew it wasn’t their fault.
So, he was definitely going to do that. He was going to make amends and encourage the rest of the family to do the same. But just not yet. He reckoned that some things simply took time to accomplish. This had to be one of them.
Determined to shake off his doldrums, Neil strode past his uncle’s large house and continued on his way to their home at the back of the property. He opened the door, resolved to put a positive spin on the church service for his family. He needed to, if he was going to persuade the other members in the house to once again make church a priority.
But the moment he walked inside, he was overwhelmed with the heavy burden of their circumstances all over again. The interior felt claustrophobic. Stifling. Sure that they would be moving sooner than later, his parents weren’t willing to be persuaded to part with any of their furniture or treasures. Because of that, most of the furniture that had occupied their old four-thousand-square-foot house was now crammed into a sixteen-hundred-square-foot space. Neil often felt like a rat in a science experiment, weaving his way around large pieces of furniture in order to get from room to room.
Only his brother and he had given away their furniture. Deciding to use the second bedroom as a space for their dining room set and boxes of extra books and household items, Roy and he had elected to sleep on pallets on the floor in the small living room.
Though it was now almost one in the afternoon, those pallets were still on the floor.
Roy and his mother were sitting on stools in the kitchen, eating turkey sandwiches.
“How was church?” Mamm asked.
“It was fine. There was a nice crowd there. Almost every family was in attendance. You were missed.”
“I meant to go, but I got a large order last night from a B&B over in Cub Run.” She gestured to the kitchen counters, which were now covered with crescent- and star-shaped cookies.
“They expected you to work on a Sunday?”
“They asked if I would be able to deliver everything to them Monday morning. I said I could.” She lifted her chin. “It’s good money, son.”
“Sorry, Mamm. I didn’t mean to sound like that.”
“No need to apologize.” Looking at Roy, she said, “It hasn’t been too bad. Your brother has been helping me.”
Neil raised his eyebrows. “Really?”
“I’ll have you know that I can cut out star-shaped cookies as well as anyone,” he joked.
Neil felt all the tension he’d been holding tight inside him slowly ease. It almost felt like how it used to. Walking to the refrigerator, he pulled out an apple and sat down on the last empty stool. “Where’s Daed?”
“Helping Onkle Joseph,” Roy said.
“Doing what?” He barely refrained from pointing out that they’d never done more than take care of the animals on Sundays.
Roy shrugged. “Who knows? He’s probably making Daed do yet another chore he made up.”
“Roy, you mustn’t talk that way,” Mamm chided.
“Why not? It’s true. Uncle Joseph loves to hang his charity over our heads. Worse, he seems to really enjoy watching Daed follow his directives. It’s terrible.”
“Your words aren’t helping to make things better, son.”
“They don’t make them worse, either.”
After taking another bite of her sandwich, Mamm turned to him. “Let’s talk about something better now, shall we? Neil, tell me how church was. I hated to miss it. Who did you see? What is new with everyone?”
“Did you see Dale?” Roy asked. “What about Beth?”
Beth was Dale’s sister. Roy had been fond of her for years. Pretty much everyone in both of their families had expected them to be engaged by now. However, things between them seemed to have cooled, and not only because they no longer lived next door to each other.
Roy wouldn’t really talk about it, but Neil feared it had a lot to do with their recent financial situation. “I saw Dale but didn’t see Beth.”
“Why not?” said Roy. “She was there, wasn’t she? Or was she home?”
“I didn’t see her, but that don’t mean much. I didn’t get a chance to talk to many people.”
“Surely,” their mamm said, “you weren’t rushing to get back here.”
It was so rare for their mother to say things like that, Neil almost smiled. “You are right. I wasn’t in a hurry to rest among all this furniture.” Bracing himself, he broke his news. “The truth is that I met Susanna Schwartz.”
Mamm blinked. “Who?”
Roy’s expression darkened. “She’s one of the daughters who moved into our old farm.” Raising his eyebrows at him, Roy inserted a new, darker tone into his voice. “Ain’t that right?”
“It is. The Schwartzes have three daughters,” Neil said.
“Oh. Oh, yes. I should have remembered that. My stars. I bet Mrs. Schwartz has her hands full with three girls.” Looking ill at ease, she stood up. After washing her hands, she pulled out a large metal rectangular tin and started layering cookies and waxed paper inside. “What is she like?” she asked.
The question was innocuous, but her voice sounded strained.
Neil, ignoring Roy’s glare for upsetting their mother, tried to describe Susanna as best he could. “She has dark hair and green eyes. She’s slim, too.”
“Is she pretty?”
“Jah.” Actually, at first, he’d thought she was very pretty. Thinking there was no way to ease into it, he added, “It turns out that she and I had already met. She’s the woman I helped that night after Thanksgiving.”
Both Roy and his mother gaped at him. “Isn’t that something?” his mother murmured.
“What did she have to say?” Roy asked.
Feeling his face flush, Neil said, “She sought me out to thank me. She said she had never caught my name, which was why she hadn’t thanked me before now.”
“That is considerate of her. At least she’s a nice woman. That gives me some comfort. So, are they settling in all right?”
His mother’s graciousness shamed him. “I’m afraid I didn’t ask.”
“Oh? Why not?”
He sighed. “Speaking to Susanna was awkward.”
“I bet,” Roy said. “I bet she feels terrible for taking advantage of us so badly.”
Hearing his brother voice some of his dark thoughts made him feel even more embarrassed about the way he’d spoken to Susanna.
But before he could admit he’d been thinking much the same thing, their mother clapped her wooden spoon on the counter. From the time they were little boys, that had been their mother’s favorite way to discipline them. She’d never struck them with that spoon, but that whack on the countertop had never failed to redirect their antics.
“Roy, you know a child isn’t going to be responsible for her parents’ financial decisions. No matter how upset you might be about the way things happened, it was no fault of hers.”
“You’re right, Mamm,” Roy said automatically. “There’s no need to start rapping counters with your spoon.”
Their mother’s lips twitched. “It still gets your attention.”
“Sure it does.”
That little exchange had hit Neil right in his chest. His mother was right. He and Roy hadn’t had any say while their father was borrowing money and then putting the farm on the market. Why had he been so intent on making a young woman bear that burden?
What had he been thinking? Dale had been right. He should have turned around and apologized.
“You’re looking a little peaked, brother,” Roy said. “What happened?”
“I said some things I shouldn’t have.” Needing to unburden his heart, he said, “Mamm, I was pretty mean to her. She seemed so happy in our house, and she had no idea what the consequences were of her parents’ actions.”
“Isn’t that how it always is, son?” Mamm said softly. “None of us ever really knows how what we do and what we say affects everyone around us. It’s easy to make someone’s day . . . or ruin it with just a few short words.”
Now he felt even worse. He didn’t think he had done anything that would have ruined Susanna’s day, but he had started thinking that he probably wouldn’t have been too upset if he had done that, either.
“One day we’ll have our own place again,” Roy said. “Then we’ll be able to hold our heads up high.”
“We already can. Don’t you see?” Mamm asked. “It ain’t what we have or don’t have that counts. What matters is how we follow our faith and treat others.” Closing the tin, she smiled. “Especially at Christmastime, don’t you think?”
Looking at each other, he and his brother shared a smile. “Jah, Mamm.”
Right then and there, Neil’s world opened to him again. His mother was exactly right. Dale had been, too. Once he put what was important in his life first, everything else fell into place. It was really rather miraculous.
“Next time I see her, I’ll apologize,” he promised.
“I hope so. I, for one, have had enough bad feelings and resentment. I’m ready to enjoy Christmas this year. Don’t you think it’s time we all started focusing on what is really important?”
“Of course, Mamm.” Rolling up his sleeves, he said, “Now tell me how I can help you with all these cookies.”
His mother’s pleased chuckle was as welcome as the morning sun on his face.