The World’s Stupidest Girl

 

 

“I cannot believe that happened!” Mom scolded me on the way back to Howard’s house.

Tabitha and Howard were spending the night at the hospital. They wanted to be there in case there were any developments with Mac.

“You heard Tabitha,” I said. “She’s the one who started it.”

“Really? You’re going with ‘she started it?’ That’s your best defense, huh?”

I didn’t answer. My father told me that if you commit a crime, the best defense is silence. The second best defense is insanity. I had both of those covered.

Mom was so mad I thought her head might explode.

“What were you thinking, Bertie? Please tell me! One minute I’m literally in tears because I’m so amazed by you and your kind, thoughtful words. What you said to Mac, trust me, I know that wasn’t easy. But you didn’t hide from it. You didn’t lie. You took responsibility. And then the next minute? WHAM! I’m in tears because I’m so ashamed of you.”

She was right—I was guilty. But I couldn’t stay silent. “I want to tell you that I’m sorry, but I’ve said it so much already, it probably doesn’t mean anything.”

“Bingo!” she said.

“Mom, my brain, it’s just not working right.”

“Yeah, well neither is Mac’s. That poor boy is fighting for his life, Bertie, while you’re fighting his poor sister. Unacceptable! You have to do better.”

We drove in awful silence for ten minutes. Finally, Mom turned our Volvo into the Mortons’ driveway. In the moonlight I saw balloons, teddy bears, and “get well” cards waiting for us on the stoop of Howard’s house. Kind gestures of hope from neighbors and friends of the Mortons. One part of me was grateful, but another part of me felt even guiltier.

Mom and I gathered the gifts and took them inside the house. Turning away from me, Mom phoned Howard on her cell. I sat on the stoop. Pulling out the sunglasses, I put them on and looked around, but I didn’t see anything different. Did they only work in the hospital? Has Better Bertie given up on me? My thoughts ran wild.

Better Bertie was suddenly sitting so close to me, we nearly overlapped.

I jumped, startled, even though I should’ve been used to her coming and going. Better Bertie didn’t say a word, just looked at me.

“What? Are you not talking to me, either?” I asked.

“Why bother?” she said. “You don’t need me. You know everything already. Nobody can help you, girlfriend, if you don’t want to be helped.”

I groaned.

“It’s not just me,” Better Bertie said, motioning to the starry sky above us. “The universe is also trying to help you.”

“Could’ve fooled me! If that’s true, why do I feel so crappy all the time?”

“For starters, you talk too much, but you don’t listen enough.”

“I’m listening now. What’s the universe trying to help me with? Tell me!”

“Honestly, I believe it has big plans for you, Bertie. Big-big plans. But before that can happen, you need to fix your broken heart.”

That shut me up.

My heart felt broken ever since my parents got divorced. Or before that, when I knew my family was falling apart. And now, with what had happened to Mac, my heart was basically a million pieces of broken glass. Unfixable.

“There are things going on right this second that we cannot see,” Better Bertie said. “It’s like gravity. Even though it’s invisible, it’s here.” She took my hand. “Everything that’s happening is happening for a reason. Greater forces are in play. Signs and wonders and mysteries. Hardwired connections between people and events that will only become evident when you are ready to see them.”

“Really? Prove it,” I said. “Have the universe show me a shooting star. No wait, five shooting stars. Then you’ll get my full attention.”

“Five shooting stars? Dude, I don’t control the universe. It responds when it responds, and only with what’s needed. You don’t need to see five shooting stars.”

“Ha! Guess you’re not so much better than me after all, are you?” I said.

“And you wonder why people give you the silent treatment.”

”Okay, we’re done here. I’ve had enough of people insulting me for one day. And Leon needs some love and kibble. Nighty-night!” I took off the glasses. She was gone.

Instantly, a swirling gust of wind kicked up.

Whipping about, it buffeted my clothes and hair. Then I saw it. The wind swept the pink soccer ball I had booted across the street, over the road and into the Mortons’ yard. The ball tumbled across the grass and banged to a spot at my feet. It was undeniably freaky. The ball, or the universe, was trying to get my attention.

Bending down, I grabbed the soccer ball and inspected it. “Oh my God, it can’t be.” The ball I was holding was not my ball. My soccer ball had my name on it, written in permanent ink.

It hit me all at once: I was the world’s stupidest girl. Dangerous and prone to outbursts. I wanted to destroy the soccer ball, like it was to blame for Mac’s accident. Instead, I put it inside the garage. Feeling awful and alone, I slid the glasses on, but Better Bertie didn’t appear.

Where was she? I needed someone to talk to. Anyone.

While Mom was locking up Howard’s optometry office, I went to the kennel to fill Leon’s food bowl. With the glasses on, Leon glowed, a pale shade of gold. Whenever he pumped his tail back and forth, his aura got a little bit brighter. No wonder people love to watch a dog wag its tail.

I kept hoping Better Bertie would pop up and say something smart or helpful, but no. Though I didn’t want to admit it, my heart was empty without her. A big hole.

Putting my pride aside, I called out to her. “Please don’t leave me or give up on me, Better Bertie. I know I’m messed up, but I’m not a lost cause just yet. Who knows? I might surprise you. Are you here, Better Bertie?”

Silence. Until Leon farted.

“That was not the cosmic response I was hoping for,” I said.

[INSERT ILLUSTRATION OF LEON WITH EAR UP, LISTENING TO BERTIE.]

“Leon? I’ve never screwed up this badly before. Mac is in big trouble because of me. It’s like the whole world around me is broken, and I don’t know how to fix any of it. Better Bertie said the universe wants to help me, but I’m not so sure. I mean, why would the universe care about me? I’m just a lost, dopy girl from a small town. Nothing special.” I stopped myself. Leon’s tail was wagging like crazy. He was looking at the sky, and his aura was getting brighter. Following his gaze, I looked up. A shooting star streaked across the sky.

Then, blazing from the opposite direction, a second shooting star.

And a third shooting star

A fourth shooting star.

And a fifth.

The stars were just getting started.

All at once, a thousand shooting stars shot every which way.

The thrill was so overwhelming, it knocked me backward onto my butt.

The universe and Better Bertie had put on a show just for me. But I wasn’t quite sure if I deserved it.