Your Unique Money Tendencies

The snow crunched under our feet as we walked through the freezing night in Crested Butte, Colorado. If you’ve never been to Crested Butte, just picture the most magical, charming ski town ever. We were there for our annual family vacation. There were seven of us that night, walking down streets lined with shops and restaurants, talking and laughing. Christmas lights were strung in all the trees. It was so picturesque and felt like we’d walked onto the set of a Hallmark Christmas movie.

Soon we came to the restaurant. We’d be eating sushi—a family favorite—and were in high spirits because we’d heard rave reviews about the place. When we walked in the front door, we had to go down a flight of stairs into what seemed like the basement. But when we got to the bottom of the stairs and walked through the doorway, it was like being transported to Japan. The ambience was vibrant, and the restaurant was packed. The hostess sat us in a corner booth with a large round table so all seven adults could sit together. As we took off our jackets and got settled, I could tell it was going to be a good night.

We got quiet as we all began looking over the menu, trying to narrow down the endless options. Then Dad said, “Let’s just order a bunch of sushi rolls to share!” We all liked that idea, so he took a poll of the table, asking for our favorites, and we shouted out different ideas. When the waitress came, Dad ordered way more rolls than the seven of us could ever eat. After the server took our massive order, my mom waved her over. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Mom was pointing to the menu and the server was nodding and writing something on her notepad. When she left, I asked my mom what that was all about. Her response still makes me laugh. She said, “I ordered my own salmon rolls.” We all looked at her with blank stares.

“Mom! We just ordered enough food to feed a small country! If somehow we run out, you can always order more!”

But her mind was made up. “I want the salmon rolls. You all always eat those first, and I don’t want any of the others. So I got my own.”

There was silence around the table. Mom was smiling the whole time. She had her own rolls coming, and no one was going to eat them.

We still tease her about those salmon rolls to this day. But when I look back at that moment, I’m reminded that each of us sees life differently. We each have our own tendencies, and though we may not spend much time thinking about it, those tendencies carry over into our decisions about money. We’ve all gone out to dinner with friends. And when it comes time to pay the bill some people in the group are great with splitting the check evenly, while others at the table are cringing because they just want to pay for their order. It can sometimes get a little awkward. But the thing is, it’s okay that everyone may want to do it differently—because we’re all wired differently. My mom wanting her own sushi is a classic example of a scarcity mindset versus an abundance mindset (a money tendency we’ll talk about shortly). Neither one is right or wrong—they’re just different ways of seeing the world.

After talking with thousands of people, I’ve noticed seven major money tendencies we all have. In this chapter, we’ll break those down so you can get a better grasp of how you’re uniquely wired to spend (or not spend) money. The seven money tendencies are:

1. Saver or Spender

2. Nerd or Free Spirit

3. Experiences or Things

4. Quality or Quantity

5. Safety or Status

6. Abundance or Scarcity

7. Planned Giving or Spontaneous Giving

Keep in mind that these tendencies are specific to how we deal with money, and I’m presenting them as either/or. Don’t overthink this part. You might be somewhere in between too. It’s a scale. You’re wired to think and act in certain ways, and while none of the tendencies are right or wrong, they do have implications. Understanding how these tendencies affect you will help you make progress on your financial goals faster.

While you’re thinking through where you fall on each scale, also consider the people in your life closest to you and how they’re wired. If you’re married, pay close attention. The saying “opposites attract” can be pretty spot on. If you find yourself on one side of a scale, there’s a good chance your spouse is on the opposite side. You might be surprised, so get ready! At the end of the chapter, there’s an opportunity for you to write down your tendencies and the tendencies of those closest to you.

TENDENCY #1: SAVER OR SPENDER

We’re going to start with an easy one. The first major money tendency we’re going to look at is saver or spender. Imagine someone gave you a hundred dollars. What’s the very first thing you think to do with that money? I’m looking for your natural response. Sometimes our experiences with money as adults can complicate our reaction to this question. So for this scale, think about your instinctive response to the question. Thinking about what you would have done as a child might help.

If you’re a saver, your first instinct would be to save that hundred dollars. Savers prefer to have money tucked away. There’s a ten-year-old in my neighborhood who told me she has $200 stashed away “just in case” something happens. That makes me smile because it just goes to show that savers manifest this behavior early on. Saving money comes naturally to them. Putting money away for the future isn’t a major sacrifice; it gives them a sense of security. They’re patient and willing to wait. Like spenders, some savers love to find deals and use coupons—but it’s all with the purpose of saving for the future.

For the natural spender, just the idea of that hundred-dollar gift unleashed the creative possibilities of what could be purchased with that money. You remember that old cliché “money burns a hole in your pocket”? That’s how spenders feel: They can’t wait to use that extra money when they have it. Spending money is easy. But saving? Not always. Now, spenders can sometimes get a bad rap—I know, because I am one! We can be labeled “irresponsible,” but that’s not always the case. The desire to spend money is not the same as a lack of responsibility or a lack of control. Spenders can be very disciplined. I love to spend money and have no shame about it—and I’m also very good with a budget. The two are not mutually exclusive.

What’s dangerous for spenders and savers both is going to the extremes. This is true of every scale we’ll look at. As a spender, if you spend everything you make, you’re going to be broke. And, savers, if you save everything you make, you’re going to miss out on a lot of fun experiences that make life worth living. This is pretty obvious when we think about it—but the point is, we need to think about it.

Tackling the why behind how we handle our money is some­times as simple as recognizing our natural behaviors and making small adjustments to our choices throughout the day. Here’s an example: I’m a spender, and I love pizza. I was ordering pizza online for dinner recently and, without really thinking, just loaded my shopping cart with several different pizzas that sounded good in the moment. When I clicked “Checkout” and saw my total, it was a little over fifty dollars, and that didn’t include a tip for the delivery driver!

Now I seriously love pizza, but that was way more than I wanted to spend on dinner that night for just me and my husband. So instead of mindlessly clicking on the “Order Now” button, I went back through my cart, removed some items, and cut my total in half. It took less than thirty seconds, and that small choice saved us twenty-five dollars. As you think through where you fall on this scale and the ones to come, remember: Sometimes all it takes is being aware of your tendencies so you can make different choices that will make a big impact over time.

TENDENCY #2: NERD OR FREE SPIRIT

My dad coined the phrase “Nerd or Free Spirit” years ago to describe the two different approaches to budgeting. It was funny and 100 percent accurate and quickly became part of our everyday vocabulary at Ramsey Solutions. But I’m using these terms here to describe a person’s overall approach to money—not just to budgeting.

No doubt you’ll find yourself relating easily to one over the other because they’re pretty opposite.

When I’m speaking to large groups, I’ll often ask for a show of hands for who in the audience is a nerd and who is a free spirit. The audience’s response is always so telling. Nerds will raise their hands precisely and knowingly nod their heads. But when I ask who the free spirits are in the room, they cheer and shout. They will literally start the wave sometimes! It always makes for a funny moment because there’s no way you can mistake the two.

Alright, nerds, let’s start with you. You know you’re a nerd if you read the instruction manuals to any new product. Punctuality is important to you. Your socks are neatly folded in the drawer. You read the introductions in books. Your tax return is prepared for the dreaded April 15 deadline well in advance. These nerd behaviors aren’t just in your everyday life either. They define your finances too. You love being in control of your money. You like things buttoned up and orderly. Nerds tend to be naturally proactive with budgeting and intentional about where their money goes. If you don’t have a budget already, the idea of one appeals to you. Nerds can make a lot of progress with their money quickly because they create a plan and love sticking to it. They’re laser-­focused on what they need to do to win with money, and they’re on top of the details and decisions.

Just like with the saver vs. spender scale, there are unhealthy extremes for nerds to watch out for. Nerds, be careful you don’t become legalistic. Sometimes you can live and die by the rules and the budget, and you end up wearing yourself and your family out. Nerds can also be guilty of withholding grace when money mistakes happen. (And they will happen!) This can be withholding grace from themselves or from their spouse or family member. Nerds have also been known to be uptight. Ahem. And if things aren’t going according to plan, it can really throw them off. But I love nerds! My husband, Winston, is a nerd, and I so love his attention to detail and how he always knows exactly what’s going on. Nerds, you are awesome.

Okay, free spirits, it’s your turn. You know you’re a free spirit when you view instruction manuals as coasters. You consult them only if you get really stuck and can’t figure it out on your own. You try to be on time, but hey, sometimes fashionably late works. Your closet isn’t terribly organized. You definitely skipped the introduction to this book, because let’s just get to the good stuff, right? And, wait, Tax Day is when? If this sounds more like you, you’re probably a free spirit.

When it comes to money, free spirits tend to say, “Everything is going to be fine. It will all work out!” You have a “let’s enjoy life” mentality. Just reading the word budget in the previous paragraphs about nerds made you break out in hives. And the idea of being detailed and restricted with money seems boring and way too controlled. You’ll do it, but it’s not your favorite. Listen, I’m a free spirit. I totally get it! Here’s the thing: We know how to enjoy life. There’s not a lot that stresses us out, and that can be a really helpful perspective to have. We live every day with a sense of carefree excitement, which allows experiences to happen that might not otherwise happen. That might not be easy to cram into a spreadsheet, but it has a lot of value. Plus, we can easily see the big picture behind something like a budget and remember why we’re doing it in the first place.

But if we’re not careful, free spirits, we can fall into unhealthy extremes too. We can be a little too sloppy. Details don’t always come naturally to a free spirit, so we can miss deadlines and important information—and some of those things can be costly. I joked about Tax Day, but missing that deadline can cost thousands of dollars in penalties if we don’t know what’s going on. We can overlook critical things like life insurance and having a will. We can miss due dates for bills and not even be aware of the mess we’re creating. If we’re not intentional about our money, we can be the ones who look up in a few years and wonder where on earth it all went.

Before we move on, we need to clear up a big misconception about nerds and free spirits. A lot of people think that all nerds are savers and all free spirits are spenders. This isn’t true. You can definitely be a nerd who loves to spend money or a free spirit who loves to save money. It’s true that Winston is a nerd-saver and I’m a free spirit-spender, but my parents are the opposite. People would never guess it, but my mom is a free spirit-saver and my dad is a nerd-spender. Surprise! You can be a master budgeter and still find it easy to buy stuff. And you can be a reluctant budgeter and naturally hold tight to your cash. So you’ll need to think through both areas to figure out which one you are.

TENDENCY #3: EXPERIENCES OR THINGS

The next major money tendency we’re going to explore is what you prefer to buy: experiences or things. Just for fun, let’s compare Winston’s favorite Christmas gift from a few years ago and my favorite Christmas gift. I’m not even joking when I tell you he asked for an adult-sized scooter. He wanted one so he could ride alongside our then four-year-old daughter Amelia while she scooted around on her pink scooter. I laughed when he put it on his list, and then his whole family laughed when he opened it on Christmas. But now that I’ve ridden it, I get it. It’s actually a blast! So I no longer hate on his scooter game.

What do you think my favorite gift was? It was a gift card to my favorite spa. I was thrilled because I love experiences, and I couldn’t wait to de-stress with a relaxing massage. If I have extra money to spend, I’ll spend it on dinner with friends, going to the movies, or traveling. I value experiences and Winston values tangible things.

People on opposite sides of this scale don’t always understand each other. Winston doesn’t spend money on experiences. He laughs at how much I can spend on an hour-long massage when the same amount would buy a nice pair of shoes I could wear for years. And that totally makes sense if you value things! But as an “experience person,” I’d rather walk away with a memory than a physical item. Winston spends money on things like new camping supplies, headphones, or gadgets. And while those things don’t necessarily mean a lot to me, he gets a lot of enjoyment from buying things that make his life better. They’re both equally valid preferences.

If you’re married, this is a great conversation to have. Ask your spouse if they’d rather have an experience or a thing. For so long, Winston and I never talked about this. It’s not that I feared it would cause conflict. I just never understood why he didn’t want to drop some money to go out to a nice restaurant. After we figured this out, it helped us in our budgeting and our communication. So think about how you like to spend extra money. Do you love experiences or things?

TENDENCY #4: QUALITY OR QUANTITY

The next major money tendency to consider is quality or quantity. Would you rather have one high-quality item that will last for years or several lower-quality options to choose from? Some people prefer spending money on a quality item, while others enjoy the variety that quantity brings.

For instance, say a quality pair of shoes costs a hundred dollars. Would you prefer one pair of those, two pairs of fifty-dollar shoes, or even five pairs of twenty-dollar shoes? Or if you’re an experience person, think back to our hundred-dollar gift example. Did you dream of buying a hundred-dollar adventure with that money, or did you see yourself spreading the love around on several activities?

If you lean toward quality, you want things that are more likely to last. You’ll happily save up to buy a nicer product, which in turn will give you long-lasting value. You are also more likely to take care of your things, because they’re higher quality. I find that people who lean more toward quality will research and plan their purchases beforehand. Quality spenders do not tend to be impulse shoppers.

The unhealthy extreme for quality buyers is to buy expensive things in order to impress other people or to make yourself feel superior to others because of what you own. You can also fall into a pattern where you only buy “the best” out of habit. Like you’ve only ever bought one brand of pricey makeup when there are less expensive options you would actually like—but you’ve just never thought about it. I encourage you to really consider your purchases. Ask yourself if it’s really necessary or if there’s a less expensive option out there that you would enjoy just as much. You could be pleasantly surprised by what you find—and be able to save extra money toward one of your goals.

If you value quantity, you probably enjoy the creativity and possibility that variety offers. You like having ten options versus going back to the same item over and over. People who lean toward quantity are often great bargain shoppers. They pride themselves on the art of finding a great deal. At their least healthy, quantity buyers may find they shop in an effort to get the “high” that comes from either having a lot or making a purchase. That high always wears off, but the money is gone by that point.

For me, I’ve changed over the years. When I was younger, I was all quantity all the way. I would go to the mall with thirty dollars and somehow come home with ten different items! I loved to shop and loved buying a lot of different things. Now, I’m more in the center of the quantity and quality scale.

I’ve also found a preference for quality over quantity in specific areas. In accessories, for instance, I have a few sentimental jewelry pieces that are high quality, but the majority of my jewelry accessories are fun earrings and statement necklaces that cost twenty dollars or less. And if they go out of style, I don’t feel guilty getting rid of them. Other places in my life, I prefer quality over quantity. Take purses, for example. I’ve learned I beat my purses up—and inevitably, old crumbled-up Goldfish crackers end up at the bottom (thanks to my kids!)—so I prefer one that will hold up to hard use. I don’t need or want ten different purses to choose from. A purse for me is more of an investment piece. Quantity isn’t important. Instead, I’ll spend more for a quality item.

I recently played the 30-Day Minimalism Game from The Minimalists, Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus, and it shifted me even more toward the middle of the quality vs. quantity scale. The idea is that you give away, throw away, or sell the number of items corresponding to the date on the calendar. So if it’s March 10, then you give, sell, or throw away ten items by midnight that day. The challenge is to do this every day for a whole month.

I have to tell you, it was incredible. I got rid of over 500 items! It turns out there were a lot of things in my house we didn’t use or need as a family—clothes, jewelry, food in the pantry, random items in the closets, and toys in the kids’ playroom. And I discovered that the less clutter I have in the house, the smoother my life is. I no longer stand in my closet sorting through a bunch of hangers to figure out what to wear, because now I have far fewer clothes. I waste less time now. It has really helped me, and I’m enjoying having fewer things. If you struggle with overdoing it on quantity like me, consider taking The Minimalists’ challenge to give you a different perspective. Also, reflect on past purchases you’ve made that you’ve regretted because the product didn’t last. Doing so will help you start to see what items you prefer to be quality rather than quantity.

TENDENCY #5: SAFETY OR STATUS

The fifth money tendency to consider is whether you want money for safety or status. On a basic level, money is the currency that allows us to buy food, pay bills, and keep gas in the car. Without money, we would be stuck and unable to go anywhere or do anything. But go a little deeper than this basic level. What does money mean to you below the surface? Why do you want to have money? What’s your motivation? In my work, I’ve discovered that most of us associate money with either safety or status.

If money is about safety for you, you want to know with as much assurance as possible that you’ll be okay if something hard and unexpected happens. You find comfort in knowing you can financially absorb whatever curve ball life throws at you:

•This month’s bills? You have a budget and know you can cover all of your expenses.

•Laid off from your job? You can depend on your six months of expenses saved in an emergency fund.

•Scary medical emergency? You’ve got health insurance and the money to choose the care that’s right for you.

•God forbid, your spouse unexpectedly passes away? You both have a will in place and life insurance that will cover a large portion of the costs of raising your kids.

For people concerned about safety, having money is all about having peace of mind.

If you’re a “safety person,” you want to watch out for living in fear. This is especially true if you’ve experienced something traumatic in your past. As you make money decisions, make sure you’re seeing and considering all of the possibilities, not just defaulting to the least risky choice. There are people who could go out right now and buy anything they want, but they won’t allow themselves to because they’re so fearful of the unknown. They have allowed fear to control how they spend money. If you struggle with this, it’s important to recognize the fear and push yourself outside your comfort zone (in responsible ways). If you’ve worn a hole in your go-to pair of shoes, it’s entirely appropriate to budget for and buy yourself a new pair! Don’t allow fear to keep you from using and enjoying the money you’ve worked for and saved.

The other end of this scale is status. If money is about status for you, it’s how you measure your success. Think of a scorecard. It’s easy to see you’re winning by the number of tick marks out to the side. Money—and what it can buy—are those tick marks: the type of home you live in, the activities you’re involved in, getting to go on that dream vacation. Money is used as a benchmark that enhances your life. For “status people,” having money is all about personal achievement.

Now, this doesn’t have to be shallow or negative. If the tick marks on your status scorecard include seeing wealth as a responsibility to manage well and to give away to help others, you’ve got a healthy perspective. But you should be on the lookout because it can be a slippery slope. If you’re more into status like I am, you can get off track if your achievements become more important than your character or the people around you. If climbing the social ladder, living in an expensive home, and driving the coolest car become the most important things to you, honestly, you’re going to be disappointed. It might be fun, but it won’t make you happy or satisfy you for a lifetime.

As someone who is wired as more of a status seeker, I know I have to stay in check and make sure both the stuff I own and the money I make don’t define me as a person. A larger bank account doesn’t make anyone a better, more important person. The truth is that money is just a magnifying glass: It makes you more of whoever you are. If you’re kind and generous, you’ll be even more kind and generous with money. If you’re rude and self-centered, you’ll be even more rude and self-centered with money. Money is just a tool and has nothing to do with your identity. Who you are and who you’re becoming has little to do with what you’re achieving.

One other word of caution: Be sure you’re intentionally choosing what success looks like for you, not just absorbing what others think. Culture feeds us a steady diet of what it believes is important. (We’ll cover that in chapter 9.) If we’re not careful, we can spend years working toward something that ends up meaning nothing to us. Be sure you’re living the life you want—not what other people prescribe for you or think you need.

TENDENCY #6: ABUNDANCE OR SCARCITY

The next major money tendency we’re going to explore is the abundance or scarcity scale. This goes back to the beginning of the chapter with my mom’s sushi order. Knowing where you are on this scale will tell you a lot about why you make the money decisions you do.

People who lean toward abundance believe there’s always more than enough for everyone. There will always be more opportunities, more relationships, more money, and more options. They have a glass-half-full mentality. When challenges come along, they tend to say, “It’ll all work out.” Or something like, “This hard thing is really an opportunity!” They tend to take more risks and generally don’t fear the outcome of a decision. After all, if they don’t like the outcome, they can just make another decision. There are endless decisions, right? Those with an abundance mentality are willing to do things others might not do. They take risks more easily and usually have a high tolerance for change. They also tend to be natural givers, believing there are always ways to make more money.

What’s tricky for abundance-minded people is they can become so optimistic that they stop walking in wisdom. I have a friend who interned for a nonprofit one summer during college. She was passionate about the people and their mission and felt moved to quietly give her entire salary back to the organization. Though her motives were pure, she didn’t talk to anyone about her decision before making it, and she didn’t really think through the consequences of it. She ended up giving all of the money (after taxes) back to the nonprofit and returned to school that fall with zero savings.

Those with an abundance mindset need to be careful to count the cost of their choices before they make a decision. What can feel like big faith is sometimes the absence of wisdom. In this case, her generosity put her in an unhealthy financial position. If you’re an abundance person, make sure you’re not making important decisions in a vacuum. Instead, be sure to seek counsel. Proverbs 11:14 (NKJV) says, “In the multitude of counselors there is safety.”

Those on the other end of the scale have a scarcity mindset. They make money decisions based on a belief that resources are finite. There’s a limit to them. To scarcity folks, the glass is half empty. They tend to hold on to possessions more tightly because “they might need that someday” and don’t want to be wasteful. They sometimes fear losing things because they might not be able to replace them. Overall, those with a scarcity mentality tend to play it safer with money—which often makes them very wise. They’re typically less wasteful with money because, to them, it’s a limited resource. They’re often more careful, thoughtful, and intentional with their finances. They’re always prepared and count the cost before moving forward with a decision. Our scarcity friends can be wonderfully realistic and objective about opportunities because they don’t get swept up in best-case scenarios.

An unhealthy scarcity mindset, however, is very different. An unhealthy scarcity mindset ultimately believes there isn’t enough and won’t ever be enough. It’s a mindset that believes God can’t or won’t provide for them—that there are limits to God’s goodness and ability. If they get rid of that extra set of dishes in the garage, and then one day need another set, they believe they won’t have enough money to buy more. People with an unhealthy scarcity mindset make decisions about their money and stuff based on fear, not facts. They too often miss smart financial opportunities that will move them forward in life because they’ve allowed fear to cloud their thinking.

If you struggle with an unhealthy scarcity mindset, there are a couple of things you can do. First, don’t rely solely on your own opinion when it comes to your money. Seek out wise counsel and listen to what they say. Like if you need help investing, check out our SmartVestor Pros. They have the heart of a teacher and will help guide you to the best ways to grow your money. If you need help with things like getting out of debt, creating a budget, or avoiding bankruptcy, contact a Ramsey Financial Coach. An objective third party will be able to give you a helpful perspective for your situation.

Another way to combat an unhealthy scarcity mindset is to give more. Now, I know it sounds crazy to give something away when you already think you don’t have enough. But giving is one of the most powerful things you’ll ever do to help unlock an untrusting heart. We’ll talk more in depth about giving in chapter 12. For now, start with something small. What do you have right now that you could give away to bless someone else? A clothing item you don’t wear? A loaf of fresh bread that you baked? A larger-­than-normal tip at a restaurant? Commit to giving away something small every week for a month and see how it begins to shift your thinking.

TENDENCY #7: PLANNED GIVING OR SPONTANEOUS GIVING

The last major money tendency we’ll look at in this chapter is how you give: Do you plan your giving, or do you give spontaneously in the moment? Again, there’s no right or wrong here. We all have a natural giving tendency, and it’s important to recognize and understand how you do it.

Are you quick to give? If you pass someone on the sidewalk asking for donations, do you feel compelled to give right away? If you hear of a worthy organization that’s asking for a donation, do you jump to give? Then you’re probably a spontaneous giver.

Are you slower to give? Or do you stop, think, and calculate before you give? Do you even need to calculate exactly what you’re going to give before you give? If you answered yes, then you’re a planned giver. We’ll look at spontaneous givers first and then planned givers.

As a spontaneous giver, you like to have freedom to respond with your heart. You naturally live life with open hands, and you can’t help but help. When you see a need, you try to meet it right away. So many people are helped because of spontaneous givers. If the world was made up entirely of planned givers, a lot of these opportunities would easily be missed. Plus, there’s so much joy to be experienced when you live life ready to help.

If you’re a spontaneous giver, make sure your giving isn’t ineffective. Dropping five dollars in a bucket here and there can feel good in the moment, but it may not have the impact you think it does. Emotional giving definitely isn’t wrong. I just want you to remember that if it’s the only way you give, you may miss opportunities to make a larger impact.

If you’re naturally a planned giver, you have so many strengths! Typically, planned givers take their resources and money very seriously. They don’t give to every good cause they hear about because they’ve already decided how they’re going to give and they’re committed to it. They’re also careful to avoid giving to individuals or nonprofits they haven’t researched.

Planned giving can also help you when you get those off-the-cuff donation requests, whether it’s someone at your front door trying to raise money or the cashier at the grocery store. Because you’re strategic and planned in your giving, you can feel zero guilt about saying no. You can simply respond with the truth and say, “I’ll look into this, but I’ve already decided on my giving for the month.”

I naturally lean toward spontaneous giving. When I see a need, I love to rush in to help out—it’s my nature. But over time, I’ve shifted to more of a planner mindset because I’ve seen how being intentional with giving can have a bigger impact. Winston and I see giving as a big responsibility, and we look at what and who we give to as closely as we do our investments. We’re careful to research the organizations we want to give to, and we set a plan for how we’ll give.

As good as giving is, believe it or not, it can create conflict in relationships. If you’re a planned giver, you can get pretty frustrated when you see your spouse giving a few dollars at the grocery store for their charity efforts or spending money on things you don’t need to support local fundraising efforts. It can even seem wasteful. And if you’re a spontaneous giver, your planner spouse can seem heartless when they pass by good opportunity after good opportunity to help people in need. But giving doesn’t have to be a source of friction.

After practicing this for a while, one of the things Winston and I have learned to do in our planned giving is to budget for spontaneous giving. We want to be responsible and strategic with our giving, but we also want to leave margin in our hearts and budget to help. That way, if something unexpected comes up that we feel called to give to, we can! I never deny something I feel God doing in the moment.

So if you’re a planned giver, be sure to leave room for the unexpected. And regardless of your tendency, you’ll need to practice grace with yourself and others. If you’re married, talk to your spouse about each other’s giving style and look for ways to support them. The bottom line here is that you want to be able to give generously—whether it’s planned or spontaneous—so practice this in small ways now so you can give big in the future.

Wired Differently

When you know your money tendencies and the tendencies of those around you, you’re in a position to make far better decisions. Let me give you an example. Years ago, a friend of mine was car shopping with her husband. This was before they ever took Financial Peace University or committed to debt-free living. At the car dealership, they looked at both used cars and new cars. When her financially conservative husband said no to the used car and yes to financing a new car, she trusted he had run the numbers and done his research. But he hadn’t. They ended up with a whopping $700 a month car payment, and a few months later, her husband was laid off from his job. You can imagine the stress they felt facing that payment every month.

Only later, after going through Financial Peace University, did they realize that she is the nerd and he is the free spirit. My friend assumed her husband had done his homework because that’s how she’s wired. But her free-spirited husband wanted to buy the car because of how nice it would be for her to drive. He had the best of intentions, but it wasn’t a wise decision.

Fast-forward to today. Now when they buy a car, they do things differently. It’s become a joint effort, and they pay with cash. They talk through what they need and want in a new vehicle. Then she runs the numbers to determine what they can afford, how long they’ll need to save, and which vehicles best fit their needs. (She loves doing this!) She talks over the research with him, and he makes sure they choose something they’ll actually enjoy driving. (He loves doing this!) Today they communicate differently, trust each other more, live in their strengths, and make far better decisions.

Using your money tendencies to complement your spouse’s is a no-brainer. But your money tendencies can also be really helpful when you’re making money decisions on your own. Remember my friend who gave away her salary one summer in college to the nonprofit she was working for? If she got a do-over, she would tell her younger self to reach out to someone she trusted and talk through the different options before making a decision. She would still want to donate some of it back to the organization, but she now sees that saving a good portion of it to cover college expenses the following semester would have been wise—and given her peace of mind.

Moderation

We’ve covered a lot of ground in this chapter about our money tendencies. No matter where you fall on these scales, remember: None of these tendencies are inherently right or wrong. They just show us how we’re wired. Our job is to recognize what our tendencies are so we can make adjustments where we need to.

So what’s the goal for each scale? Moderation. Moderation just means avoiding the extremes. For example, a scarcity mindset says resources are limited, so we should plan carefully. That’s wisdom! An unhealthy scarcity mindset says there will never, ever be enough, so we shouldn’t even attempt something new. That’s the extreme—we’re defeated before we even begin.

Here are some other examples: Nerds, you want to know your numbers and be intentional, but don’t be so inflexible that there’s no room for spontaneous fun in your life. People who want quality: Not everything has to be top-of-the-line. I’m going to bet there are some areas in your life where you would actually enjoy either more variety or the extra savings you get because you’ve bought something less expensive. People who love things over experiences: Don’t get so focused on your next purchase that you stop connecting with others through meaningful, shared time together.

The danger of unhealthy extremes on any scale is that they hold you back. They limit your potential for growth and for really living life. Once you know your natural tendencies and their unhealthy extremes, you can make better decisions and move toward the center of each scale. If you’re a natural spender, are you making healthy money decisions by following a budget and setting aside savings? If your spending is out of control and your savings account is empty, this is an area you need to work on. Listen, if you’ll really work on these major money tendencies, you’re going to see progress!

The more you pay attention to why you spend (or don’t spend) money the way you do, the more you can course-correct when you need to. Don’t put this off. In one year or five years or ten years, you’re going to look back and be so, so grateful you started today.

Now It’s Your Turn

1. When it comes to how you spend and relate to money, where would you place yourself on the following scales? Put a tally mark on the line where you think you fall. For example, if you’re 100 percent Spender, your mark should be on the far right. If you’re a Saver, but also have some strong Spender tendencies, you would mark the line pretty close to the middle but just a smidge toward the Saver side. There’s no right or wrong answer!

Saver	Spender
Saver	Spender
Nerd	Free Spirit
Experiences	Things
Quality	Quantity
Safety	Status
Abundance	Scarcity
Planned Giving	Spontaneous Giving

2. What steps can you take to be more moderate on any scale where you’re struggling?

3. When was the last time you experienced frustration or anger over how someone else handled their money? Did it have anything to do with money tendencies?

4. Are you currently experiencing stress in a relationship due to a money tendency? If so, how could you approach it based on what you’ve learned?