Change Your Money and Your Life

We give my dad a hard time at the office because change seems really easy for him. He and my mom’s sick-and-tired moment was bankruptcy, and they’ve never looked back from managing their money wisely. We hear “Just change!” a lot from him. But the thing is, change isn’t always quick and it’s often not easy.

Lasting change is going to be difficult if you don’t have all the right ingredients, but it can also be hard for other reasons. Obviously your personality plays a role in how quickly or slowly you process information and make a decision to change. Also, the seriousness of your situation impacts how you change. Like if you have a heart attack and your doctor says the only way to live is to change the way you eat, it’ll be pretty easy to say no to the next steak. But those aren’t the only factors at play either.

Dr. Cloud told me that, “You change quickly in areas where you don’t have conflict. But if it’s an area of fear or conflict, it’s more difficult to change.” If you’ve been treated harshly in the past for spending money, for example, it can be harder to stop overspending because you’re still carrying the baggage from past conflict. But if you grew up in a forgiving environment, you feel free to change and stick to your budget because there isn’t conflict holding you hostage. That means there are areas for all of us where it’s easy to change—and there are areas for all of us where it’s harder to change. Being disciplined with money may be easy for Dave Ramsey, but there are other areas of his life that aren’t so easy for him. Maybe it was easy for you to change your eating habits into healthier ones, but you haven’t been successful changing your money habits. Or maybe you’re sold out to your daily workouts but struggle with giving generously. Know that this is normal—but it doesn’t let you off the hook.

Expect Resistance

Have you ever been fired up to change something in your life only to end up surprised when it got challenging? When you’re considering a change—even if it’s an easy one for you to make—you need to expect and plan for resistance. Let’s look at three kinds of resistance you’re likely to face no matter what it is you’re changing.

Pushing Through Discomfort

Ramsey Solutions has grown so much over the years. We got to the point where we had offices in five different buildings just south of Nashville. So we started dreaming about getting under one roof and made the decision to build a new campus. The process took four years from the time the land was purchased to move-in date. Thousands of hours and details went into this new building: tons of permits, a design team and architects, contractors, and getting new utilities to the site.

The new office is a brand-new, state-of-the-art 220,000- square-foot space. And a couple of months after we moved into the new building, we broke ground on phase two of the project—adding a 200,000-square-foot tower. And every inch of this place was—and will be—paid for with cash. Winston actually spearheaded the entire project from start and finish, and I’m just so dang proud of him.

As a team we were so excited about all working together in this new building. It was also a huge upgrade. I mean, there is even a complete café with a full-time staff making incredible food for the team—breakfast, lunch, and for special events! Everything about this place is better than before. But the funny thing is, even as nice and new and better as this office is, getting here required discomfort and a ton of energy.

Even though we hired movers to do all of the heavy lifting, whole teams were exhausted by the end of their move week. It wasn’t because they hauled big boxes, but because everything was new: new roads to get to work, having to figure out where to park, where to enter the building, which staircase to take, where the coffee is, which type of coffee is best, when to take lunch, where all the different meeting rooms are, the best way to set up your new desk, where the Kleenex is, where to sit for staff meetings and devotionals. Most details for an entire week were brand-spanking new, and it was exhausting! Some of us are particularly fond of our routines, so all of the disruption caused discomfort.

This is how change goes. It takes more effort and more time. But how absurd would it have been for us to bail on the new building because it required more of us? If something is worth doing, it’s worth the extra effort. When you’re planning for change, expect it to involve discomfort and require more energy. If you’re exhausted in the early stages, just realize you’re breaking new ground. Stay the course. It will get easier in time.

The Naysayers Are Back

Another type of resistance to prepare for are the nay­sayers—the ones who say your change isn’t possible. They will tell you it’s not possible to live a great life without using debt. They will say how the world is stacked against you and there’s no way you can win with money in our culture today. It might be your parent, a mentor, a roommate, or someone at church who says this stuff. But let me tell you something my former pastor once said: “A man with experience is not at the mercy of a man with an opinion.” I really do not care what other people’s opinions are about money. Lots of people say you can’t do life without a credit card, but that’s not true. Lots of people say a college degree without debt isn’t possible, but that’s not what the facts say. The facts say there really is no such thing as “good debt.”

The reality is, I have lived the Baby Steps and seen them work personally. And I’ve also talked to thousands of people who have followed the Baby Steps and seen them work in their lives. The facts speak far louder than any opinion. And it’s the facts of experience that will change your life. As you prepare for change, do your own homework. Know the facts. Don’t rely on someone else’s opinion.

On Separate Pages

The last type of resistance to prepare for is relational. We’ll first look at how this affects marriages and then how it impacts those who are single.

We hear from a lot of men and women who have trouble getting on the same page with their spouses about money. Some­times spouses are on different pages because one is doing the budget and the other has no clue what’s happening financially. In fact, in a survey done by Ramsey Solutions, we found that 88 percent of women say they are primary or equal contributors to the budgeting process in their household.³⁰ On top of that, only 41 percent of men report that they share in the shopping for daily needs—which means this responsibility is also being handled mostly by women.³¹ Bearing the burden of your family’s financial health alone is not healthy. At best, it’s lonely. At its worst, it can be dangerous if someone doesn’t know how to manage money.

Well-meaning spouses can look up several years down the road and realize they’re in an enormous amount of debt. Living paycheck to paycheck can be so hard emotionally that some people even start keeping their debts and financial insecurities secret. They hide the facts from the people they love—and even sometimes from themselves. But secrets can suck the life out of you and rob your relationships of trust. Getting honest about where you are financially is hard, but so freeing! Once you bring the facts into the light of day, you’ll feel better and you’ll be able to make a plan together. If you’re shouldering the weight of your finances alone, don’t. Your money and your relationship will be stronger when you work together.

Spouses can also be on different pages because one is more committed to making progress with money than the other. This can cause major frustration and tension in the relationship. One is ready to do something extreme like sell the house and move into a two-bedroom apartment with three kids to get out of debt, while the other won’t even consider cutting out restaurants or cable TV. Both spouses may want the same end result, but they aren’t equally motivated to get there.

If you and your spouse aren’t on the same page yet with your decision to change how you handle money, you need to address this before you dive into making any changes. It’s almost impossible to win with money if one of you is working toward a goal and the other has zero interest in it. If you’re in this position, there are a few things that can help get you and your spouse on the same page.

How You Talk About It

First, watch your tone. How you say something is just as important as what you say. Sometimes the spouse who’s on board with change will attempt to persuade the other spouse by bugging or nagging them. They can do it so much that “Ramsey” becomes a four-letter word in their house. Don’t do this. It’s not going to work.

Also, and I think this goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway: Please don’t be mean. When have you ever been persuaded to real change by someone yelling at you or shaming you? Seriously, think about the last yelling match you saw on Facebook. Did those mean-spirited words change your perspective on anything? Of course not. Be kind to your spouse. Taking control of your money should pull you together, not apart. Also remember that since you’re married, it’s not his and her debt—it’s your debt together. You’re a team, not adversaries.

If talking about money is a hostile conversation for you, I highly recommend you see a marriage counselor. Getting on the same page with your money is incredibly important to the long-term health of your marriage. If it’s difficult to do right now, chances are there are bigger issues you need to work through.

Explain Your Why

The second thing that can help you and your spouse get on the same page is to calmly explain why you want to change how you’ve been handling your money. There’s no nagging or yelling here. It’s just an honest conversation sharing your desires and concerns with your spouse. It can also help to share what you’ve learned about your personal money mindset, as well as any aha moments you’ve had about your spouse.

Your reasons for wanting to change your money habits could be a lot of things. It could be that you’re flat-out scared. Maybe it’s the fear that you’re not prepared for an emergency and you want that security. Maybe it’s for your kids. You want to teach them a better way so they don’t make the same mistakes you made. Your reason might also be that you want to do things you’ve always dreamed about. Maybe you’ve dreamed of taking a family trip once a year to enjoy one another and make memories. Remember, change happens either because you want out of a bad situation or into a good one.

Map It Out Visually

Another way to help encourage your spouse to change their money habits is to map out a visual plan. If you come home one day and randomly say, “We need to sell your truck so we can get out of debt,” your spouse isn’t likely to jump up and down with excitement. You’re probably going to get a response like “Good luck with that!” or “Why don’t we sell your car instead?” And for heaven’s sake, don’t go out and sell their car without them knowing about it! Remember that all those spreadsheets and calculations exist to serve your family. Your family doesn’t exist to serve the spreadsheets.

So put all those numbers on paper (neatness counts!). Figure out how long it will take to get out of debt and how much more money you’ll have each month without it. Show them in black and white how the sacrifice today will be worth it in two years (or however long it takes). Then show your spouse what your future will look like if you don’t make a change. Seeing a finite timeline and factual plan can help them see that it’s both possible and necessary.

The Power of a Third Party

The last way to get you and your spouse on the same page is to bring in a third party. I often hear from couples who have become debt-free or are attacking their plan, and initially, one spouse wasn’t on board. My first question back to the reluctant spouse is: “What made you get on board?” And more than half the time they say, “I started listening to the podcast.” Or, “I read one of your books.” Or, “I didn’t want to, but I attended Financial Peace University and I was convinced.” Often a third party who delivers the plan helps them really hear and understand it.

Your third party could be a resource from Ramsey Solutions, but it could also be a pastor, a marriage counselor, or a Ramsey Financial Coach. Money in marriage is a huge source of tension for couples. There’s no shame in asking for help to navigate that conflict and any deeper issues you’re facing as a couple.

If you and your spouse aren’t yet on the same page, remember to be patient with one another. You can’t force anyone to change. Each person has to decide to change on their own. Your spouse may need their own sick-and-tired moment before they’re ready. Walk patiently beside them through this. Your relationship with them is more important than a self-imposed debt-free deadline.

What’s interesting is that it’s not unusual for a couple to decide to start the Baby Steps, and the husband is all about it and the wife is just sort of “meh.” But then a few months into the plan, she watches a bunch of Debt-Free Screams on YouTube, and the next day she’s so on fire she’s selling half the things in their house to bring in extra money. Her motivation ends up exceeding his. Each of us has to have our own lightbulb moment. So don’t be pushy. Patience isn’t a sexy topic, but it’s really important to the health of our relationships.

Don’t Go It Alone

If you’re single, you’re not facing a scenario where you have to partner with someone in order to make decisions with your money. In some ways that can be freeing. But hear me say this: It’s really helpful to run your numbers with someone you trust. You can set up a monthly time for you two to sit down and look at your actual budget. You can even ask them to check in on you and your money once or twice a month. You’re not doing this because you’re incompetent. You can totally win with money flying solo! You’re doing it because an outside perspective can be extremely helpful.

Annie, one of my best friends, is single and talks about how easy it is for singles to be a little sneaky with their spending because there’s no obvious accountability in their lives. She’s told me it’s helpful for her to talk through big purchases (like a trip) with two of her good friends. She runs the numbers by them before she makes the decision because it helps her process the decision and also holds her accountable. Sometimes you just need an outsider or two to tell you, “It’s okay to spend this money! You’re in a great spot financially, so do it!”

Obviously, it can be uncomfortable to share numbers with close friends, especially if you don’t want them knowing how much you make. So it does take a unique relationship to do that. But what I want you to hear is that it’s worth the effort to find someone you’re comfortable sharing with. There’s already a lot on your plate because you’re the only one bringing in money, paying the rent or mortgage, buying food, and getting the car fixed. Allow someone else to share their insight and experience with you.

Other people see things we don’t. They can suggest simple ways to earn more income we hadn’t thought of. They can hold up a mirror when we’re spending too much on clothes. They can hold us accountable (and be our biggest cheerleader!) to finish paying off our debt when we start to run out of steam. And it’s also really fun to be able to share our victories with another person. It might be your best friend, a coworker, a Financial Peace University class leader, or a counselor. Just be sure they’re like-minded. The person who loves the points and airline miles they get from a credit card is just not going to get why you’re doing what you’re doing. Choose your person wisely.

The Power behind Real Change

As you think about changing your money, knowing you’ll need to overcome very real obstacles along the way, you’re going to need something powerful to keep you moving forward. Have you ever stopped to think about what fuels change? What keeps it going? The answer is probably not what you think.

What fuels change isn’t logic.

It’s not emotion.

It’s not even willpower.

Change happens when you believe. You learn about the issue. Your understanding of it grows. You discover a clear path to solve the issue. You hear from other people who have already done it. And your belief that it might just actually be possible for you to change your life too begins to grow.

When you really believe something, you have one of the most powerful, compelling, driving forces on earth: hope. Hope isn’t some wishy-washy feeling, and hope is not a wish. Hope is believing your actions will create a positive outcome. Hope will cause you to sacrifice today for something greater tomorrow. When you have hope, suddenly the world opens up. Hope is incredibly powerful.

Curt Richter was a professor at Johns Hopkins who made some radical discoveries about the power of hope. Now, guys, I’m going to warn you, Dr. Richter’s research isn’t for the faint of heart. We’re about to talk about the death of rats—I know, I know—but stick with me. What he learned will change the way you think about hope.

In the 1950s, Dr. Richter and his team studied how long rats would swim if put in a container of water with no way out. The wild rats he studied, known for their fierce, aggressive behavior, “constantly on the alert for any avenue of escape,” died within fifteen minutes or less of entering the container. Fifteen minutes! This is crazy given the toughness of these wild rats. The researchers concluded: “The situation of these rats scarcely seems one demanding fight or flight—it is rather one of hopelessness; . . . the rats are in a situation against which they have no defense.”³² Without hope, the rats gave up quickly.

In later studies, Dr. Richter and his team briefly conditioned the rats before putting them in the containers. Several times they immersed the rats in water for a few minutes and then pulled them right back out. “In this way the rats quickly learn that the situation is not actually hopeless; thereafter they again become aggressive, try to escape, and show no signs of giving up.” Because the rats had been rescued before, they believed they would be rescued each time they were dunked in the water. They had hope. And that hope propelled the rats to swim for sixty straight hours—240 times longer than the rats that hadn’t been conditioned.³³ Hope was their fuel.

You know what we’ve discovered at Ramsey Solutions after almost three decades? The same is true for us. Everyone needs a reason to keep swimming! Hope is the fuel behind any change. When we have hope—when we truly believe we can make our life better—we’re willing (and often excited) to make the sacrifices it takes. We tell people all the time to sell everything they can in order to get out of debt—even their car if they can successfully navigate the challenges of being a one-car or no-car family. This would be crazy to do just for the heck of it! I would personally question your sanity if you took that advice just because someone told you to. But when you believe you can sacrifice your lifestyle to change your life, selling your car becomes a decision you’re excited to make because it’s creating a better outcome for you. You’ve freed up money to pay off debt and save for your future; you’re able to live and give like no one else; you finally have that peace of mind. Those outcomes all start with and are sustained by hope.

Evidence Builds Hope

Don’t you just love weddings? The beautiful gown, the handpicked decorations and yummy cake, the excitement and joy you feel in the room. The bride and groom stand in front of their family and friends to say their vows. And when they make their vows to one another, they say, “Till death do us part.” A commitment to last for the rest of their lives, no matter what.

When you take a step back and think about it, it can honestly seem a little crazy. When a couple gets married, they don’t know what the future will hold. There will be amazing times for sure, but there may also be job loss, illness, and the death of loved ones. One person might be unfaithful or even bail on the relationship altogether. So why does someone get married and risk such enormous heartache?

You only enter into something that permanent because you believe it will make your life better. You’ve seen enough evidence to persuade you that it can be done—even when it’s hard. Evidence builds hope. Think about it:

1. A couple has weathered some hard stuff together while they were dating and it brought them closer.

2. They’ve seen each other act with integrity when no one would have noticed if they didn’t.

3. They know how to fight fair.

4. They did premarital counseling together and have new tools to navigate issues when they come up.

5. They’ve even committed to continue going to counseling after the wedding to keep their relationship healthy.

6. They’ve seen other people in their life do marriage well. They know it can be done and how amazing it can be.

Couples who get married have seen enough and experienced enough to believe a strong, healthy marriage is not only possible, but also probable.

In a courtroom, what persuades a jury to commit to a decision is evidence. In the same way, different types of evidence will persuade you to believe—to spark hope within you that you can improve your money and your life. To move from involved to committed, to stay on this journey for the long haul, to overcome resistance and fear and poor money habits—you’re going to need evidence and the hope it provides.

We all need new information in order to build a better future. If you’re ready to ignite your hope, we have a ton of resources available to help you. Depending on where you are in your journey, here’s where I recommend you start:

If this is your very first time connecting with Ramsey Solutions, check out The Rachel Cruze Show at rachelcruze.com. You can also check out my dad’s show at daveramsey.com.

If you need some inspiration from real people making real progress with their finances, search “Debt-Free Scream” on YouTube.

If you want a customized financial plan, go to daveramsey.com/start. This is a free three-minute online assessment that will pull together your specific situation and get you started on a plan that’s right for you.

If you need help budgeting—this is the thing that helps you accomplish all those Baby Steps!—download our free EveryDollar app.

If you’re ready to dig in and get to work taking control of your finances, check out Ramsey+ at ramseyplus.com. It’s everything you need to get started on—and then stay on—your journey. Ramsey+ includes Financial Peace University, EveryDollar Plus, and the Baby Steps tracker as well as free livestream events, a growing library of virtual courses, and an online community that will cheer you on each step of the way. If you’re serious about winning with money, there’s no better place to start.

If you want a different result, you’re going to have to do something differently. These resources will give you a deeper understanding of what to change and how to change so you can build a life you love. Real, lasting change isn’t possible until you fully commit. If you recognize that you’re only involved right now, invest in yourself, your relationships, and your future by seeing and hearing the evidence for yourself.

Now It’s Your Turn

1. In what area of life has change been easy for you? What did that feel like? What area of life is more difficult for you?

2. Think about what in your life you want to change. Why do you want to make a change?

3. For each area you want to change, consider where you are on the scale of involved or committed (or if you’re even on the scale).

4. What do you need to stop doing right now to better manage your money? What do you need to start doing right now?