Stressed Money Classrooms

The first two money classrooms we’ll look at are the emotionally stressed quadrants: Anxious (emotionally stressed and verbally closed) and Unstable (emotionally stressed and verbally open). We’ll look at the emotionally calm quadrants in chapter 3.

Quadrant 1: Anxious Classroom

Emotionally Stressed and Verbally Closed

You grew up in an Anxious Classroom if you felt anxiety or tension around money, and money was never or rarely talked about. One of my friends shared with me how he learned money was not a pleasant or easy topic for his parents. As a young boy, he went to the grocery store with his mom every week. And every week she would buy day-old, expired bread. He never thought about it until he went to the store with a friend and his mom. He watched as his friend’s mom pulled out and examined several loaves before deciding on one. Curious, he asked what she was doing. She explained that she was looking at the expiration date to find the freshest bread stocked for the day.

The next time my friend went to the store with his own mom, he suggested she look for the freshest bread. His mom refused. She said, “Expired bread is half the price, and we’ll eat it quickly anyway. Every cent we save helps make sure we can pay all of our bills at the end of the month.”

His mom didn’t say much, but her words hit him like a ton of bricks. At his age he wasn’t even sure what “bills” were, but he easily read the expression on his mom’s face when she got to the checkout line. She looked anxiously over every purchase, waiting and holding her breath for the cashier to announce the total amount due. She would then carefully count out the exact amount for the clerk, down to the last penny. Sometimes she would even hold a few items back and choose not to purchase them in the end because she didn’t have enough money. This was a Milestone Moment for my friend. He learned money was extremely stressful and that every single penny mattered.

If you grew up in the Anxious Classroom, you probably observed your parents’ money habits rather than hearing them discussed. You probably felt the tension rather than hearing an argument. Growing up, you might not have felt the freedom to ask questions. The tough reality of living in this quadrant is not just the lack of information; it’s also the heightened emotional state in the home—either in general or specifically around the topic of money.

Challenges for Quadrant 1: Anxious Classroom

No matter which quadrant you grew up in, there will be challenges to overcome. Let’s look at the biggest challenges for growing up in the Anxious Classroom.

Money Talks. You may find it challenging to open up and talk about the shape of your finances or the feelings you have about money. Does your spouse (or anyone) know how stressed you are about making ends meet? Have you shared with anyone that you’re scared and you don’t know if you’re doing enough for retirement? Learning how to navigate healthy money conversations may be difficult initially, but I would challenge you to start talking about money even when it’s hard. There are no perfect people, and you won’t always get it right—but that’s okay! Press in and talk about your money with the people you trust the most.

You could start by letting your spouse or a family member know that you have a hard time talking about money. Sometimes just saying that out loud can turn into a good conversation. But take it a step further and talk about why it’s hard for you. Then share your desire to talk about money more freely and openly. You could even ask your spouse if they have suggestions for how to improve the communication around money. It’s not going to feel natural at first, but the more you talk about your money, the easier it’s going to get. If you’re single, find a family member or good friend and do the same thing. A good friend who knows you well will help you look at your situation honestly and will have new insights about how to achieve your goals. Your life, your marriage, and even your kids will have such an advantage if these conversations are open and honest.

Fear. Fear is a powerful emotion. It can stop you from doing the most important things. Have you ever noticed that when you don’t talk about a problem your fear actually grows larger? The problem starts to feel bigger and scarier and worse than it really is. We’ll spend a whole chapter on fear later in the book. But for any of you who grew up in the Anxious Classroom, you’ll need to face any fears you have about the lack of money. Identifying your specific fears and creating a tactical, detailed monthly plan for your money will help you do this because it removes the unknown. This plan is your budget. Think about it as your road map. Be intentional and write out exactly where you want your money to go—and be detailed! Once you set your budget, it will tell you what you can and can’t do with every dollar—and give you the direction you need to move forward with confidence.

Grace. As you think about what your household was like growing up, it’s important to have grace for your parents or whoever raised you. This is true no matter which quadrant you grew up in because not a single person is perfect. Money is a hard topic for most people. Some parents didn’t have the emotional capacity to talk about money because of the stress they were under. Other parents didn’t know how to do it well. Most parents really did the best they could with what they knew at the time. My goal for you isn’t to make excuses for your parents, but to simply realize and own the truth. Holding a grudge against anyone for past money mistakes will only hurt you. It’s important for you to work through frustrations and hurt, but the end goal is to forgive them.

If you’re having trouble extending grace, I would challenge you to really reflect on your parents’ childhoods. When I talk to people who grew up in the Anxious Classroom, I find that if their parents didn’t openly talk about money, most likely their grandparents didn’t communicate about money either (or a number of other life topics for that matter). How did your parents grow up? Was money crazy tight? Were they allowed to talk about taboo topics like money? What beliefs did they have about money? Maybe they didn’t have the tools they needed to handle money wisely. Maybe they were so hurt from their own childhood that they reacted by going to the opposite extreme. Maybe they thought they were protecting you. Whatever it was, remember: We’re not here to talk badly about your parents or gloss over their mistakes with excuses, but to tell the truth and show them grace.

Quadrant 2: Unstable Classroom

Emotionally Stressed and Verbally Open

People who grew up in the Unstable Classroom usually recognize it immediately because it was seen and heard. In these households, money was a source of conflict. Parents argued about it between themselves, with the kids, with extended family, sometimes even with strangers. The arguments may have been public or private, but the emotions in the house were charged—potentially even explosive.

Maybe your parents fought about how money should be handled during a particular season of life. Or maybe anxiety and pressure were the norm. It’s common for those in this quadrant to hear the same fight over and over. If these money issues were never resolved, or they couldn’t come to an agreement, the tension may have continued to build and caused the couple to call it quits. Sadly, fights about money are one of the leading causes of divorce in America today.¹ You might know the truth of that all too well—whether in your parents’ marriage or even your own.

In the Unstable Classroom, you frequently experience very negative emotions. You often feel fearful, anxious, and unloved because you hear no a lot from your parents (usually in a short-­tempered way). But it’s not limited to negative emotions. Growing up could have felt like an emotional roller coaster because the emotions would swing unexpectedly between the negative and positive. This could often lead to feelings of instability and even chaos.

One friend who grew up in this classroom remembers she never knew how her parents would respond when she asked for something. She heard no a lot, and her parents’ quick and sometimes harsh negative responses created emotional confusion. There was such frequent, high stress around money that any kind of ask—from a request for a certain kind of cereal at the grocery store to going to the movies with her friends—could be met with either a calm “sure” or an angry “NO!” She never knew what to expect!

At the store, her mom would say they couldn’t afford brand-name toothpaste, and then a few days later, her dad would say, “Let’s all go shopping! We got our tax return check!” And off they would go to the mall for a huge shopping spree or to buy three carts full of food at the grocery store, including the cereal she’d just been denied. There was no consistency or way to anticipate the response. She said it felt like whiplash. Those were Milestone Moments for her. Now, as an adult, she looks back and knows her parents struggled to pay the bills each month because they didn’t have a plan or live intentionally with their money (her words, not mine).

I was talking to my parents recently about my childhood money classroom. I feel like I grew up in a Secure Classroom. It wasn’t perfect, but it was healthy. It was really interesting because when I told my parents that, they just looked at each other and smiled. When I asked why they reacted that way, Dad said, “You only have memories about five years after the bankruptcy. It was definitely an Unstable Classroom for many years—you just don’t remember.”

We all had a good laugh because the Ramseys are self-­proclaimed hillbillies. We would for sure fall on the “open” side of the verbal communication scale—and we know how to fight. When we’re all together at least three good debates are going on about things as serious as theology and as minor as what temperature best smokes a pork butt to perfection. (Google has been our saving grace for years—we’ve ended many debates with a quick search for the right answer!)

I can only imagine what those unstable years were like for my parents. What’s surprising is that I asked my sister if she had any Unstable Classroom memories from our childhood, and she didn’t either. That’s really good news for all of us as parents. It really is possible to learn, grow, and change, making a new start for your family!

It’s worth mentioning that one benefit of growing up in an Unstable Classroom is that your parents were at least willing to communicate about money, even if their communication wasn’t in the healthiest way. When we talk about things openly, even if it’s in a charged way, change is possible. Open disagreements signal a willingness to communicate. This is really an amazing gift because you can’t fix a problem you don’t know about.

Challenges for Quadrant 2: Unstable Classroom

Expectations of Conflict. For those who’ve grown up in this quadrant, one of the challenges you may face is anticipating that talking about money will always be emotionally charged. You may find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop and even expect painful conflict. If you’re single, you may believe (or fear) that money will always be a hard topic in marriage—that there’s no such thing as healthy conflict. If you’re married, you may feel less than confident about your ability to work as a team and to agree on how to handle your money. But remember, when you can talk openly with someone, you can address and solve the problem. What you need are some new skills to help you: new ways to talk about money (this book is a good place to start), a plan for your money (the Baby Steps work!), and how to do healthy conflict with others (it really is possible). Just because money was unstable growing up doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. You can learn how to do money and conflict in healthy—and calm—ways.

Apathy. Growing up in the Unstable Classroom can lead some to become apathetic about communicating about money—and even apathetic to money itself. Because of the high tension and fighting you grew up in, you may have decided to throw in the towel. You might find yourself saying, “What’s the use in trying? We just end up fighting, and it never gets any better.” Or maybe you decided money isn’t worth the stress, and you’ve struck an ostrich pose with your head buried deep in the sand. If you’re married, maybe you say to your spouse, “I don’t care. If that’s what you want to do, do it.” Consciously or unconsciously, you’ve decided that speaking your mind would cause conflict, and the pain of conflict isn’t worth it to you. Please hear me: Don’t settle for the status quo! Don’t give up. You have goals worth achieving. You have a life worth living, not just surviving. But it means you have to engage, really learn how to take control of your money, and put in the work.