I woke up early on the day we had been due to fly home and did what I had done every morning, first thing: pick up my phone to check my weather app. I had a text on my screen from my mum asking me to call as soon as I woke up, so I climbed out of bed, careful not to disturb Abigail next to me or Jasmine on the floor, and crept out of the apartment to sit on the stairs.
‘Hi, Mum,’ I said when she answered, speaking softly to avoid waking anyone in the other homes.
‘Livvy, thanks for calling. How are you doing? Having fun in New York?’
‘Yep, though everyone’s a bit down in the dumps about not going home for Christmas; is everything OK?’
‘This is where it comes in quite handy being part of our family, I expect – you’re used to being all over the place at this time of year so you’re probably not bothered at all.’
I wouldn’t have said that . . . ‘They say they’re going to be able to start clearing the UK runways from tomorrow, so unless the snow comes back I think I’ll see you the day after Boxing Day. I’m thinking I might just come home, rather than stay in my flat.’
‘I don’t think we’ll be there, love – we fly to Tenerife tomorrow.’
‘Surely your flight’s cancelled? We were told airports would literally start the process of getting back to normal tomorrow?’
‘It’s showing as going at the moment. That’s why I wanted to speak to you, actually. Your dad and I are going to head up towards London after lunch, get the journey out of the way so we don’t need to worry about it any more, and then we’ll be right there by the airport.’
‘What if they then cancel the flight?’
‘If they do, they do! Would you mind if we stayed at your flat tonight, with the Coyhamptons?’
‘But isn’t the weather still bad today at home? The snow’s not due to stop until tomorrow.’
‘That’s why we want to get the drive done today – we know it’ll be a bit trafficky, but much better to do that now and not be sitting in a traffic jam tomorrow worrying about missing the flight.’
‘But I thought the roads were closed, I thought people were abandoning cars.’
‘Your dad’s bought a new satnav, I’m sure we’ll find a perfectly good route. So is it OK if we stay in your flat?’
‘Um . . . ’ I pulled up an image of my flat in my mind. ‘Can you go in first and move the clothes horse full of my underwear into the bedroom? And I know I left a few dishes unwashed, but I thought I was only going to be gone a few days.’
‘Will do, thanks, honey. We’d better dash but have a nice day today and I’ll call you before our flight tomorrow.’
‘Mum, I really don’t think you should go out on the roads today. Is Lucy with you?’
‘She’s in the bath being a total misery guts about missing Thailand. Absolutely refusing to come to Tenerife with us instead. Give her a call later, will you, love? Try and snap her out of it?’
‘OK. But if the roads look bad just turn around, all right? Is your phone charged?’
‘We will, and yes of course it is.’
‘Do you have your insulin?’ Mum was diabetic, and I was a worry-wart.
‘Yes, love. Who’s the mother here?’
‘Let me know when you get to my flat, OK?’
‘All right, honey, speak to you later.’
‘Bye, Mum.’ I hung up feeling nervous, wondering if I should have done more to stop them. Maybe if I found some scary-sounding news stories about road conditions I’d have some good solid facts to put a stop to this.
A wet nose pushed into my ear and I jumped.
‘Chewy,’ giggled Stephanie, pulling the retriever back. ‘Hi, Livia.’
‘Hi, Steph, you’re up early.’
‘When Chewy’s got to go, he’s gotta go. He’s just like us,’ she said, wise beyond her years. ‘You look sad.’
‘I just spoke with my parents and they’re about to go on a car journey I don’t think they should take, because it’s really snowy in England, still.’
‘I’ve been in a car in the snow before, it’s not that bad.’
‘But in England we’re not as used to it, and I’m worried they’ll get stuck.’
‘Are your parents stupid?’
I laughed. ‘No more than anyone is, really, and we all make stupid decisions when we really want something to work out.’
‘I think you just need to trust them. They are the grown-ups, after all.’ Chewy woofed and Stephanie patted him on the head. ‘Shhh, you’ll wake up everyone. Again. I have to take Chewy outside now, are you going to be OK?’
I smiled at this funny little six-year-old. ‘I’ll be fine, thanks for making me feel better.’
‘You’re welcome. See ya.’
I sat on the step a moment longer, worry still gnawing at me. My parents would be fine, I’m sure. But knowing how cold the weather was here, and that this was what the UK had been going through, I knew I wouldn’t want to be stuck in it with only a car door between me and the freeze.
I walked back inside to find, to my surprise, that everyone else was up. Jon was comforting Abigail while Dee made a round of coffees. The others were sitting around chewing their fingernails, not sure how to help.
‘What’s going on?’ I asked.
Abigail held her phone up. ‘I still can’t get hold of my boyfriend. It’s been two days now.’
‘Well, more like one day,’ I murmured.
‘We’re always in contact – we never go to sleep without texting or calling to say goodnight, or wake up without saying good morning. We tell each other everything, and now he won’t answer his phone, he’s not replying to my email, or Facebook messages, or tweets, he’s not appearing on the Find My Friends app. Nothing.’
‘Could you call his parents?’ Jon suggested.
‘I don’t have their number, and I’ve emailed them but I don’t think they check it very often. What if he’s stuck in the snow somewhere? What if he’s in trouble? What if he’s finished with me and snogging someone else under the mistletoe?’
Jon and I inadvertently glanced at each other and then quickly looked away.
‘I’m sure it’s none of those things,’ I said, pulling the conversation away from snogging. ‘Just keep trying him and try not to let it stress you out. It’s only Wednesday morning, and you last heard from him, what, yesterday lunchtime? Sometime before the BA call? That’s not too long. Maybe he just had a night out with friends and is suffering from a hangover? Sometimes people forget to call.’
‘Especially when they’re lying next to some other girl, or they’re dead,’ she wailed.
‘OK, we need to get out of this funk,’ I said decisively, ever the boss. ‘What does everybody want for Christmas?’
Abigail looked up. ‘What?’
‘I’m going out and buying you all Christmas presents, because Christmas is not going to be ruined, but also, I don’t know you all that well and I can’t deal with the stress of finding six secret santa presents.’
‘We don’t need anything, Liv,’ said Dee.
Ian turned on the news. ‘Besides, everything’s closed – the roads, the subways, the shops are bound to be.’
‘No they’re not, this is New York City. Something will be open. I’m going to have a shower, wrap up warm, and go out. So you all have a think about what you want. Also, Jasmine, the turkey you bought really needs to be eaten, I don’t think it’ll last until Christmas Day, so I’ll buy the rest of the trimmings today and then let’s have a Christmas Eve feast tomorrow, yes? Good.’
I marched off towards the shower before anyone could argue with me. This was for me, not them. I had to keep busy today otherwise I’d turn into Abigail, checking my phone every five minutes. Once I knew my parents were at my flat then I’d be fine, but for now . . .
When I emerged from the shower, Jasmine was sitting on the bed in our room. ‘I’m going to come with you,’ she said.
‘You are?’
‘Don’t look too excited. I have everyone’s wish lists, and I’m quite good in the snow – I did a season in Whistler when I was at university. Besides, you can’t go out there on your own, nobody will know if you die.’
She was so soothing. ‘Thank you. I’m thinking we try Bloomingdale’s first. We’re going to have to walk it, but it’s only fourteen blocks down and a couple over, and if anywhere has its doors open today it’ll be Bloomingdale’s. Also, if they’re open, we’ll grab a Starbucks en route to stay warm. Do you have enough layers on?’
‘I do.’
‘Even though you only brought enough perfectly planned outfits to last you the days of the conference?’ I raised an eyebrow at her and she smirked.
‘I picked up a couple of extra things over the last few days. You still have my skirt, by the way.’
‘I know, I was going to wash it and give it back.’
‘Have it; it suited you more than me.’
Bloomingdale’s was open – the only shop in the area that was, but it was all we needed. We revelled in the hot blast of air as we walked through the door, and sales assistants were keen to chat to us about how it was looking out there and how we had travelled to Bloomingdale’s.
‘All right, let’s see the list,’ I said, taking it from Jasmine. I read it over and felt a wave of fondness. Everyone had asked for such small, token things – stuff that I doubted were really on their Christmas lists but that they knew would be inexpensive and easy to buy. Dee and Abigail had both asked for candles, Ian wanted a New York Christmas decoration, Carl wanted some cookies and Jon wanted ‘a second-hand copy of The Interpretation of Murder’. Even Jasmine said she only wanted a candle too. We were done within twenty minutes.
‘I’ve just got something to get quickly,’ she said. ‘Meet you back by the Kate Spade handbags in fifteen?’
That was perfect with me, because I was itching to check in with Mum and Dad.
I called Mum’s mobile and on the eighth ring, after what I presumed was a fair amount of ‘Where’s that bloody phone?’ and ‘What do you press to answer the bloody thing?’, Mum came on the line.
‘Mum? How’s the journey going?’
‘Hello, darling, it’s um . . . ’
‘Where are you?’
‘Well, we haven’t got very far yet. The M4 was closed so we’ve come down on the A36 and are somewhere north of Salisbury.’
‘How long have you been on the road now? Since just after we spoke?’
‘About two . . . two and a half hours perhaps.’
‘And you’re only just north of Salisbury? What’s happening?’
‘We’re stuck in a bit of a traffic jam at the moment.’
I looked at my watch. It was past three in the afternoon at home. ‘It’ll be getting dark soon, Mum, it’s not worth it. Can you find somewhere to turn around and just head home?’
‘No, darling, it’ll be fine. We’ll only have to do this all again tomorrow if we don’t carry on now. Besides, the snow’s died right down here. Compared to what it has been, anyway . . . ’
‘But are the roads still bad? Can you see nothing but snow from where you are?’
‘ . . . Maybe. Listen, we’ll give it another half an hour and then think about alternative options, OK?’
‘Half an hour max, Mum.’
‘Yes, boss.’
I hung up and thought about my parents, sitting there in their car in the cold, and nerves chewed away at me. I would be calling them back in exactly half an hour and I’d be ready for an argument if that’s what it took to make them see sense.
I found Jasmine and we bundled ourselves back up ready to face the blizzard again. ‘All right, we need to make one stop on the way home at that 7-Eleven on Sixty-Ninth Street for some veggies, bacon . . . do you know if they have gravy in America?’
‘We’ll have a look,’ said Jasmine. I still couldn’t believe I was hanging out with Jasmine – Kim would laugh her head off when I told her. ‘Are you OK?’ she asked.
I shook my head and stared through the doors of Bloomingdale’s into the snowstorm beyond. ‘Just . . . I think all that out there is still going on in Britain as well. And my parents, in their wisdom, have decided to take a little road trip. Come on; let’s get home as soon as possible.’
Back in the apartment, the others had done their best to create some Christmas serenity. Jon was pouring snacks into bowls and brewing some mulled wine on the hob, Carl had found a crackling log fire video loop on Netflix that played Christmas classics music over the top of it, Dee had cranked up the heating so we could pretend the fire was real and Ian was reading through the instructions of the Game of Life to see if we could turn it into a game for seven players.
Abigail was still staring out of the window.
‘No luck with the boyfriend?’ I asked Jon, dumping the food shopping onto the counter.
‘Nope.’ Jon shook his head. Then he smiled at me and held out a wooden spoon filled with mulled wine. ‘Here, try this.’
I tasted it. ‘Mmm, just what I need. Did you find any spices?’
‘Just cinnamon and ginger, so then I put in a bit of sugar as well.’ He paused for a moment. ‘Listen, Liv, can we talk at some point?’
‘At some point,’ I said, feeling awful for shutting him down. ‘Really we can, but right now I’m having a bit of . . . a parent crisis and I need to go and try to sort something out.’
Jon frowned in concern. ‘Is there anything I can do?’
‘You can pour me some mulled wine when it’s ready. I’ll tell you all about it when it’s sorted.’
He nodded, and before I could walk away, he gave my hand a small squeeze. A gesture that, even though he didn’t know it, made me more nervous than calm. I just needed to focus on one big thing at a time.
I closed the door to the bedroom and called Mum again.
‘Time’s up,’ I said forcefully. ‘What’s the current situation?’
‘Well, we turned around,’ said Mum.
‘Oh good, I really think that’s the right thing to do.’
‘We had to – I forgot my insulin.’
‘Mu-um. At least you’ve remembered it now. How long do you think it’ll be before you get home?’
My mum paused for a little too long. ‘That’s the problem. We’re stuck.’
‘Stuck how?’ I felt like throwing up. ‘In the snow? In a traffic jam?’
‘Both. There are quite a few cars around, but we’re all in the same boat. The snow is burying the tyres and so . . . we’re stuck here.’
‘For how long?’ I asked quietly, as if she’d know the answer.
‘I don’t know. Someone has called the emergency services, apparently, your dad spoke to a couple of other drivers out here, but they don’t know when they’ll get to us. We’re not even on a road with a hard shoulder, it’s just two lanes.’
‘Are you warm?’
‘We have all our holiday clothes—’
‘—like kaftans and shorts?’
‘It’s better than nothing, so we’ve layered up, and we’ve got the beach towels wrapped around us. We just have to wait it out, I guess.’
‘Without your insulin.’ My heart was thudding. My parents needed to get home, get somewhere warm, get some insulin for Mum.
‘Don’t worry about us, sweetie,’ said Mum. ‘We’ll be fine.’
‘OK. I’m going to keep calling back. Do you have lots of charge on your phone? Put the car heater on if need be, no need to save the battery.’
‘Yes, plenty of phone charge.’
‘All right, I’m going to hang up now so it stays that way. Take care, Mum.’
‘And you, sweetheart.’
I hung up and immediately called Lucy.
‘Mum and Dad are stuck and Mum doesn’t have her insulin,’ I said, before Lucy had even had a chance to say hello.
‘I thought she took it?’ said Lucy.
‘No, she forgot it. They’re north of Salisbury, that’s about fifty minutes from you on a good day, but it took them over two hours to get there. They say there are emergency vehicles coming but you need to be on standby to go and try to get them if needs be.’
‘It’s getting dark,’ said Lucy in a small voice.
‘I know. I’m going to call them again in another half an hour and if there’s no news you need to get out on the road.’
‘Wait, Liv, I can’t drive!’
‘Yes you can, you passed your test first time.’
‘Third time, and I haven’t driven since.’
‘Well, now’s your day. Which car did Dad take?’
‘The Ka.’
‘Oh for God’s sake.’
‘Liv, I can’t drive his estate, it’s huge. And it’s snowing.’
I took a deep breath, running through everything that had to be done. ‘Yes you can, if you need to, you can. I want you ready to leave when I call back in half an hour. Go and put Mum’s insulin in the car, wrap it in something so it doesn’t get too cold. Pack lots of food and water, and find some thermos flasks from under the sink and fill them with tea. Wear lots of layers yourself, and take extra blankets, maybe a filled hot water bottle or two if you can find any. Um . . . a torch, spare batteries, a phone cable – that one that you can plug into the cigarette lighter. Are you taking this down?’
‘Yes. You’re overreacting though – if Mum said the emergency people are coming anyway then you just need to chill. It’ll be OK.’
‘Please, Lucy, humour me and get this stuff ready. I’m too far away to help, so this is on you. Please.’
Reluctantly (but I know Lucy, and despite her sulky exterior I knew her reluctance was really down to nerves and worry), Lucy agreed to do as I’d asked. And once I’d hung up with her I thought, why not, I’ll try Anne again.
Lo and behold, she answered!
‘Heyyy, sister sister, Merry Christmas! Still in the Big Apple, freezing your balls off?’
It was so nice to hear my big sister’s voice, and without meaning to my voice wobbled on answering her. ‘Anne, Mum and Dad are in trouble . . . ’
After talking with Anne, where she basically told me to snap out of it and of course everyone would be OK (it seems the older the sister the wiser she thinks she is), I emerged from the bedroom. I’d call Mum back in about ten minutes, but right now I needed that mulled wine.
When I walked in everyone stopped talking at the sight of my pink eyes. Even Abigail put down her phone. Jon jumped up and led me towards the sofa, slipping a wine in one of my hands and his own hand in the other.
I filled them in, and for once they were the ones full of answers and advice and soothing words.
‘They’re all going to be fine, Olivia,’ said Abigail, sounding surprisingly level-headed. ‘Your parents aren’t stupid, they’ll be completely fine.’
‘And if Lucy can navigate herself around the world she’ll cope with a short car trip in the snow, no problem,’ Jon added, still holding my hand.
‘England is small,’ stated Carl, through a mouthful of Cheetos.
I nodded. ‘Um . . . good point, Carl?’
‘I mean,’ he pointed an orange-dusted finger at me, ‘it’s not like if you were to get stuck in the snow in the middle of Vermont. Where you might not see anyone for days and so you’d probably freeze to death and just . . . die . . . ’ He cleared his throat. ‘England is small. Your parents won’t be stuck for long. They won’t be too far from anywhere and someone will come by really soon.’
I realised something. When I moaned about always having to be the voice of reason for other people, I never actually minded, because when it came down to it I never wanted any of them to feel lost or sad or worried. And they were doing the same for me now, without me even asking.
My comfort was short-lived, and before long the ten minutes was up and I downed my wine, heading off to call Mum back.
There was no change. No sign of any emergency vehicles. And I could tell by their voices that they were getting worried now. So I called Lucy once again.
‘You don’t think we should wait a little longer, for the RAC or whoever to turn up?’ she asked.
‘No,’ I said firmly. ‘Listen to me, Lucy. You need to step up here; you’re the only one of us at home. And Anne agrees with me—’
‘I know, she called me, like, ten minutes ago, and told me to go and shovel them out.’
‘Well . . . actually a shovel is a good thing to take. Grab one of those from the garage as well. But listen, you can do this; you need to do this. Just think of the heroic tales you can tell around the campfire on your next backpacking trip to Byron Bay.’
‘But . . . I might just get stuck in the snow too.’
I tried to soften my voice. She didn’t need me getting riled up. ‘I know, and we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it – together. But at least you and the insulin, and Mum and Dad, will be closer to each other.’
I heard Lucy gulp. ‘OK. I’ll leave now.’
‘Keep in touch with me; I’m right here at the end of the phone. Good luck, Lucy.’
It was a nail-biting few hours but Jon stayed by my side the whole time, and everybody else was very calm and quiet during the Game of Life, speaking in the type of voices one might use in a spa.
Nobody really wanted to play, but it was a good distraction for both Abigail and me. Jon let me be on his team, and even whispered that he didn’t mind if I cheated at this game, if that’s what I wanted to do.
Lucy was making slow progress, but progress nonetheless. She was on a different road to the one Mum and Dad had taken which meant she still had a way to go but at least she wouldn’t be stuck in the same traffic jam. Mum and Dad were still doing OK. Dad was turning on the engine and letting the heater blast in bursts, and Mum wasn’t yet feeling the symptoms of high blood glucose.
It was a waiting game. When Ian stood up and wandered off for a wee break I too stretched my limbs and meandered to the kitchen to generally fiddle about. Jon followed me.
‘How are you doing?’ he asked.
‘I want to go home. I want to be with my family. Why have I always been so blasé about spending time with them? I’m so sorry you’re missing Christmas with yours.’
‘That doesn’t matter, and you’re going to be home with your family soon. Everything’s going to be absolutely fine.’
‘Seven hours they’ve been out there now. They must be so cold. I told them not to go out on the roads.’
‘I know you did.’
‘When will people realise that I’m always right?’ I gave a wry smile.
Suddenly my phone rang and I leapt for it – it was Lucy.
‘Hey!’ she said.
‘What’s up, what’s going on, what time is it, how are you doing?’
‘I’m doing well, we’re all doing well. Mum and Dad have been picked up by an ambulance and they’ve given her some insulin, and they’re bringing them to meet me.’
‘They’re OK? You’re all OK?’ Relief whooshed through my body and my colleagues – my friends – all cheered and the chatter instantly became much louder and happier. I smiled and moved into the bedroom.
‘Everyone’s fine. It’s seven forty-five here and I’m parked up in a pub car park near Warminster – gotta love that half the roads are closed off and ungritted, but a pub car park is as clear as if it hasn’t even been snowing. Fuck it’s cold. I’m going to wait inside the pub in a moment but there’s not much signal so I wanted to call you first.’
‘And you’ll be able to get home? The road you came in on wasn’t too bad?’
‘Nothing I couldn’t handle,’ Lucy said proudly, and rightly so.
‘I’m so proud of you, Lucy.’
‘I basically just saved Mum and Dad’s lives. You owe me.’
I didn’t point out that the ambulance people played a slightly more key role in that. ‘You’ve done brilliantly. You didn’t smoke in Dad’s estate, though, did you?’
‘Gotta go, I’ll text you when we get home, byeeeeeee!’
I put down my phone and felt the weight of the world tumble from my shoulders. I picked up my Believe ornament from the bedside table, running my fingers over it and holding it tightly. When my family finally got together come January, I wasn’t sure I’d ever let them go again.
I was sleepy come the early evening, tired out from – well – everything. We were all lazing about watching It’s a Wonderful Life on the TV, and I was nestled against Jon like it was the most natural thing in the world, when there was a small knock on the door.
‘I’ll get it,’ I said, uncurling from under Jon’s arm and making my way across the apartment. I opened the door, and there was Steph. ‘Well, hello!’
‘Hi, Olivia,’ she said, walking past me straight into the apartment. Jon paused the TV. ‘Hi, everyone, my name is Steph and I’m friends with Olivia. Are you the explorers from England? Did you guys know that the snow’s stopped? The weather lady says it’s going to be blue sky all day tomorrow, and they think the roads and trains will be back up running. That’s good news, huh?’
Carl nodded silently and offered her the bag of Lay’s he was holding.
Steph took a seat on the sofa in between Dee and Ian, and plonked the large book she was carrying down on her lap. ‘No thank you. Olivia, did your mommy and daddy get where they needed to in their car?’
‘Yes, well, they turned around and went home. It was a bit tricky for them for a while, my sister had to go out and rescue them.’
‘You have a sister? Is she an explorer too?’
‘Oh yes, far more than I am, she just got back from South America.’
‘Wow. I brought my book to show you, the one I was telling you about. It doesn’t have any maps of space though, and I was thinking about what you said, and now I’m thinking that maybe I want to be a space explorer.’
‘An astronaut?’
‘Yeah. Maybe. I need to look into it before I completely decide, but right now I think it would be really cool.’
‘That would be really cool,’ said Jasmine, and Steph nodded, pleased that the grown-ups agreed with her.
I had an idea. ‘Steph, does your mummy let you go up on the roof?’
‘Yeah, all the time.’
‘And you said the snow’s stopped?’
‘Yeah . . . ’
‘Do you want to go and look for stars?’
‘We can’t, there’s too much light pollution,’ said the kid, all brains.
I beckoned for her to follow. ‘But they’re still out there, believe me. Go and check with your mum and then I think we should go on an adventure of our own.’
It was still bitterly cold outside, but Steph was right – the snow had stopped. We’d bundled her up in Jon’s Knicks jumper and my parka, and she and I huddled together up on the roof with New York City watching over us.
I had my phone open on an app that tells you where all the stars are in relation to where you’re standing and the direction you’re looking right now. So although Steph was right, and the billions of New York lights gave the night sky a dark amber glow, I could tell her that, ‘Right above the Empire State Building right now is Orion’s Belt. You can’t see it, but it’s there.’
She was fascinated, and spent a long time twirling the app back and forth and staring between it and the night sky, until her mum called up the stairs that it was time for her to go to bed. She thanked me and scarpered, and when I turned around, there was Jon.
‘Hi,’ I said. ‘How long have you been standing there?’
‘Not long, I didn’t mean to creep up on you, but I didn’t want to interrupt.’
I laughed. ‘Steph is a very cool girl.’
Jon nodded and walked towards me, his hands in his pockets. The night breeze tickled my face and my breathing slowed as he came to a stop in front of me, his eyes soft, his face serious. Was this it?
‘I didn’t think the snow was ever going to stop—’
‘I’m in love with you,’ Jon interrupted.
Everything stopped. I’d been wanting this to happen, in a very teenage crush-y way, since Macy’s, if not before. But now it had, I couldn’t handle it.
He was in love with me.
But when did this happen? He couldn’t be in love with me – in love was too much, too real; it was a commitment road that I didn’t think I could handle going down again. I exhaled, my words catching in my throat.
‘I’m in love with you,’ he repeated. ‘And I need to know if you feel the same way. Because I think you do.’
‘I’m scared,’ I breathed, stammering with indecision.
‘I know. But too scared, or just scared enough?’
‘I don’t know.’ My voice was shaking and I didn’t want to say these words, but I just couldn’t comprehend giving my life over to someone else again, and getting hurt again. ‘I don’t know.’
‘You don’t know about me?’ He looked so vulnerable out here in the dark. His beautiful eyes searched mine.
‘I don’t know about us.’ It was out of my mouth and in the air, and it hung between us.
He stood silently for a while, kicking at the ground, not looking at me any more. ‘Might you know? At some point? Is it just a matter of time?’
I didn’t answer him, it was like my voice had been taken away from me as punishment for breaking his heart.
‘I know I can’t make you feel the same, but if it’s just that you aren’t sure yet maybe I could do something to help you . . . decide.’
I reached a hand out. ‘I think you’re the best person in the world, but I’m just not sure I’m . . . ’
‘ . . . in love with me.’ He took my hand before it touched him, and he held it at his side. It hurt me that too much contact would hurt him. ‘I had to tell you. You deserve to know if someone loves you.’ He then smiled gently and turned to walk away.
I was going to say ‘ready’. I’m just not sure I’m ready.
Stop him, stop him, stop him, my heart chanted, but my head kept my mouth closed. It was better this way. We were better off just being friends.