Healthy relationships are so important.
For over 80 years, Harvard University has been tracking the health and mental wellbeing of a group of 724 American men (and now their partners and children) as part of their Study of Adult Development. The findings were presented to the world by the study’s current director, Robert J. Waldinger, in what is now one of the most watched TED Talks ever (What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness). Waldinger sums the key findings of the study up like this:
“The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”
Not wealth, not success, not the number of holidays you’ve had, but good relationships. However, it’s not the number of relationships that matter, but the quality. You don’t have to be at the centre of a big community, or a massive support system – obviously that helps, but ultimately you just need one or two very healthy, supportive relationships. As Waldinger goes on to explain:
“The experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic. People who are more isolated than they want to be from others, find that they are less happy, their health declines earlier in midlife, their brain functioning declines sooner, and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely… And we know that you can be lonely in a crowd and you can be lonely in a marriage, so the second big lesson that we learned is that it’s not just the number of friends that you have, and it’s not whether you’re in a committed relationship, but it’s the quality of your close relationships that matters.”
So, how do you maximize the quality of your relationships?
The first step to making and getting the most out of anything is to understand it: communicate, learn, practise.
Misunderstandings can lead to upset, tension and anxiety. However, it can be hard to just casually open up a conversation about your deepest needs and feelings, even if it is with someone you’re incredibly close to.
Using an existing and slightly playful structure can help remove the awkwardness around speaking about our emotions. One particularly useful approach can be found in The 5 Love Languages® – a book published by Gary Chapman in 1992, borne out of his counselling practice for married couples. The book focuses purely on marriage, though as a premise it can be applied to all relationships: friendships, romantic attachments, family relationships – in fact, if you have children in your life, one of the sweetest conversations you can have with them is finding out what their primary love language is.
It works around the idea that there are five ways that we all, as humans, communicate love.
Complimenting, encouraging and uplifting your friend/partner/ relative. Saying things like “You look fantastic” or “You were on such great form this evening – you had the whole room hanging on your every word!”
These don’t have to be expensive presents, but can include tokens as well, like some freshly picked flowers while out on a walk, or remembering what their favourite chocolate is and surprising them with it.
Anything from cooking a meal for your friend/ partner/child, to taking the rubbish bins out.
Giving your friend/ partner/relative undivided attention. Going for a walk together, playing a game, or simply sitting and chatting.
Holding hands, hugging, kissing, giving a back rub, etc.
The idea is that we all communicate using all five love languages, but in different orders – and if we don’t realize that our friend/ partner/relative’s primary love language is different to our own, then no matter how many flowers we pick on a walk round the park, if their primary love language is ‘physical touch’ and not ‘gifts’, then our expression of love will go unnoticed, and they will only feel put out that we haven’t been linking arms with them as we walk around.
Sit down with your partner, friends and relatives, and find out what each other’s primary love language is. You can discover your love language by:
If you google ‘the 5 Love Languages’, a free online test will pop up.
Simply talk through the list with your loved ones and work out which order you place each of the languages in. Be conscious of the fact that you will have different love languages for different types of love – for example, the way you express love romantically might be different to the way you express if platonically. Also, sometimes the way you give love isn’t the same as the way you receive it, keep this in mind too, and work out your ‘giving’ and ‘receiving’ language for each person.
Once you have worked out the various love languages of your nearest and dearest, make sure that you practise engaging with each other in that language as often as you can. Be geeky and make a note of what each person’s primary language is, so that when their birthday comes around, if you know they cherish quality time over gifts, perhaps you could plan a really personalized experience that maximizes the time you spend together, rather than buy them another plant pot.
The second step in maximizing the quality of your relationships is to make sure they are mutually unconditional. This has to work both ways, though – the key word here is ‘mutual’. Sometimes you can feel like you are giving so much that you are being taken from. Healthy relationships should not make either party feel exploited, unheard, anxious or diminished. If you feel this way in any of your relationships, check-in with the ‘Boundaries’ section in LOVE YOURSELF.
Giving unconditionally to a respectful and grateful ‘receiver’ can make you feel on top of the world. It makes you feel relevant and important, and enhances your sense of uniqueness.
Giving is a skill and, as with any skill, to develop your enjoyment of it, you need to practise. Volunteering is a fantastic way to remind yourself of the joys of giving – for both you and the recipient. You can do this on your own, or pair up with someone close to you, so that you can develop your own relationships while honing your understanding of the benefits of unconditional love.
Even if it feels small and irrelevant compared to some of the big charity causes, everyone will benefit more if you are emotionally invested.
From the amount of time you can give to the types of skills you can offer. You might prefer to fundraise by doing a sponsored run, rather than volunteer weekly at a soup kitchen. Think about what you do best, and don’t feel bad if you can only do it once a month/year.
Small, local charities are usually in much greater need of support than the big national ones. See if there are any local causes that match with the area you want to volunteer in. Alongside being able to witness the personal impact of your giving more clearly, it will add to your sense of community and belonging.
REMEMBER.
It’s all about the quality of your connections, not the quantity.