My mother’s hair slips silently through my fingers. Even when I flick it against my palm, it doesn’t make a sound. It’s the one thing I can fiddle with that won’t betray us—as long as I keep it away from my nose, of course. Or it might make me sneeze.
I can’t believe that it’s come to this. I’m actually counting my own breaths, just to keep my mind off my bladder. It’s going to rupture soon, if I don’t get some relief.
A hundred and eighty-four. A hundred and eighty-five. A hundred and eighty-six . . .
‘Psst!’
Is that Isidore? It must be. I can hear him scuffling around at the entrance.
‘Psst!’ he says. ‘They’re gone!’
Gone?
‘You can come out now,’ he declares.
Glory to God. Glory to God. Praise the Lord for all his mercies, at last I can take a piss!
Baggage first, though. Got to get the baggage.
‘What are you doing?’ asks Gui, watching me edge towards the shelf above Imbert’s head. Silly fool. What does he think I’m doing?
‘Leaving.’ Bogbrain. ‘Aren’t you coming too?’
‘Oh no.’ The very thought seems to appal him. ‘It can’t even be noon yet. They only left around sunrise— they can’t have gone very far. Suppose they see you? You should stay a little longer.’
After sitting on a full bladder all night? No thanks.
It’s all very well for people who can piss standing up. Those of us who can’t would have a hard time disguising the fact, in a space this size.
And here’s Isidore, looking ruffled and out of breath. His skirts are studded with grass seeds; he has a smear of dirt on his cheek.
‘Don’t bother with the saddles,’ he says abruptly. ‘We won’t be needing them.’
What . . .?
No.
‘The horses are gone?’ Gui says it before I can. Isidore looks tired and dejected. I’d be surprised if he got much sleep last night.
‘The horses are gone,’ he confirms.
‘Oh no!’ They found the horses! They took them away! My poor brown horse—the gentle horse that Isidore bought for me with his own money!
But I won’t cry. It’s not a good time for tears, just now.
‘They may have found the horses, but at least they didn’t find us.’ Isidore is suddenly beside me, helping to drag down the saddlebags—though not the saddles. ‘We can still make our way, Benoit. We have food and money.’
But can we carry it all? It’s going to slow us up. Gui and Imbert mutely watch us sharing out our load; they eye Isidore’s ivory comb with grave displeasure. When we come to the books, Isidore hesitates. They’re very heavy. He knows that.
At last he turns to Gui, cradling the thickest of the books.
‘Master Gui,’ he says quietly, ‘we are of different minds, you and I, but our discussion last night put me in mind of happier days, before the French came to this country—days when men such as yourself, and men such as I, used to debate our theologies without resorting to violence. I cannot agree with your beliefs, Master Gui, but I can see that they are faithfully and honestly held. And I would wish that a man of your generosity and fervour might open his heart to the truth.’ As Gui goggles like a dead fish, Isidore offers him the book in his hand. ‘Please honour me by accepting this pledge of my gratitude,’ Isidore continues, ‘which, if you sell it, will provide you with every article that you could possibly require for your continued existence—and which, if you do not sell it, will provide you with an even greater gift. For the mind and the soul are less easily fed than the body. And this book is a fount of spiritual wisdom from which no man can safely turn away.’
Sometimes, when Isidore speaks, it’s as if the angels themselves are singing. Is this something you learn at university, I wonder? Gui is so overwhelmed—so astonished—that he accepts the book without a murmur.
Imbert says, ‘But he cannot read.’
What? Isidore blinks. Gui says savagely, ‘He means that I cannot read Latin. I can read our language well enough.’
‘Then perhaps you should have someone read this book to you,’ Isidore suggests. ‘Before you let it pass from your sight.’ He jerks his chin at me, and moves back towards the entrance, his saddlebag flung over his shoulder.
Gui rises.
‘Farewell, then,’ he says awkwardly, laying the book on the ground. Before I can stop him, he puts both hands on my cheeks, and inclines his head three times. ‘Your blessing, your blessing, your blessing,’ he mutters. ‘You should tread with care, boy. He may be your good master, as you say, but his honey is poisoned. For Rome has inserted a black needle into his heart, and all his noble kindness is cankered with the bitterness of lies.’
So I’ve heard tell, my friend. But do you know, as I cast my mind back, I can’t think of one lie that he has told me yet? Not one.
Now I’d better get out, or you’ll start wondering why there isn’t a trace of down on my upper lip.
‘Wait! Father!’ Don’t forget about me. ‘I’m coming!’
The entrance is closer than I thought—around the corner, five short steps and here I am. It’s a wide fissure in the cliff face, hidden by a trailing curtain of vines that drag at my hair as I push through. The undergrowth beyond it seems to be armoured; it’s like walking through a crop of miniature spears. (Ouch!) The low trees look as if they’re crouching, ready to spring, their gnarled arms spread wide.
Isidore has used the creek-bed as a path. He stands in a pool of shade, his hood pulled up and his load carefully balanced.
‘I am sorry that we had to relinquish that book,’ he says. ‘I had no choice—the other two are all we can manage. One each.’
‘I know.’
‘I will find you another, I promise. Even if I have to sell one of my own.’
The whole business seems to be bothering him immensely; I don’t know why. ‘It doesn’t matter to me.’ (Shrugging.) ‘I can’t read anyway. And I just want to take a piss, do you mind? Over there.’
He can’t exactly object. In fact he practically falls over his own feet, trying to get out of my way. ‘Yes . . . yes, of course,’ he mumbles. ‘I’ll wait behind the . . . I’ll just . . . yes.’
Yes. This bush will do nicely.
Ahhhhh.
It’s like a fleeting glimpse of Heaven.
‘Where are we going, do you have any idea?’ (Talking loudly might cover up any embarrassing noises.) ‘The sun’s over there, so south must be that way. Back past the forcia’.
‘Um . . . yes.’ He has his back turned, so he won’t see me emerge from behind my bush. ‘But we have to reconsider our options, Babylonne. We are on foot now, and very vulnerable. Whether it’s to the south or not, we have to find the nearest place of safety and seek refuge there before deciding on our final destination. Don’t you agree?’
Agree with what? ‘So you’re saying . . .’
‘I’m saying that we should head for the monastery of Boulbonne. We know where it is, thanks to what Gui was saying last night, and it’s closer than anything else— even the Saverdun road. From Boulbonne we can make our way to . . . well, wherever it is we decide to go. North to Bologna or south to Aragon.’ He swings around, and waits for me to adjust my girdle. ‘You know my feelings on that subject, but this is neither the time nor the place to discuss them.’
Discuss them? There’s nothing to discuss. Not now, not ever. I’m going south, whether you like it or not.
You’re right, though, first things first. ‘Very well.’ Boulbonne it is, then. ‘So we should be striking out to the east, if we’re heading for Boulbonne. East from the top of the waterfall.’
‘I believe those were Gui’s instructions.’
‘And we’ll have to climb up that cliff again?’
‘Much easier this time, Babylonne. Without the horses.’
Without the horses. Yes. I feel so bad about the horses. It still hurts my heart to think of them, stolen away by the cruel and greedy French. Please God the French aren’t hungry. Please God they need pack animals more than they need meat. Fifty squads of bowmen—that’s a lot of mouths to feed. I fear what might happen if they run out of farms to pillage and flocks to slaughter.
Speaking of the French, I can see where they’ve been. They must have passed so close to us last night; there are many flattened fronds and freshly turned stones, hereabouts. Even a footprint in the dust. Not to mention the smell of stale piss, carried on a fitful breeze.
But no ashes. They must have lit their fires up above. Near the back entrance of the cave, or over in the forcia.
‘Can you carry that bag? Is it too heavy?’ Isidore wants to know. He’s paused at the foot of the stony rise that we mounted yesterday on our way to the cave’s back entrance. ‘I can take more.’
‘No, no.’ You already have twice as much as I do. ‘I’m fine.’
‘Pull up your hood, Babylonne. It will protect you from the sun.’
‘Nutshells.’
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘Nutshells. These weren’t here yesterday.’ Nor was all this horse dung. Why on earth would any horse want to drop a load halfway up a cliff? Fear, perhaps? Or do malicious French horses simply like to annoy people by blocking narrow paths with piles of excrement?
Oh well, at least it’s horse dung, and not the human variety. I wouldn’t put anything past those French. I’m sure they take a squat wherever they please, whether it’s on a path, a road, or the back of a wagon.
And here we are, at last. The campsite.
Filthy, of course.
‘I’ve not much of a talent for reading tracks,’ Isidore remarks, instinctively lowering his voice in the presence of so many warm, smoking ashes, fresh piles of dung and gleaming gobs of spittle. ‘But it looks to me as if they swung around to the west, don’t you think? The ground over there is very much torn up.’
‘Yes.’
‘It would make sense, if they’re following the road from Saverdun,’ Isidore adds. ‘Another reason why we should avoid it, don’t you agree?’
I do. Though if the army’s heading north, and we’re heading south, the risk of our running into each other wouldn’t be high, even if we did take the road to Saverdun. We’d probably hit that road long after the French had passed. As Isidore turns and strides off towards the east, along the shaded bed of the dry watercourse, an unwelcome picture springs to mind. Will the French overtake Bremond and his company? Would Lord Humbert dare to plunder and murder a party of Roman pilgrims?
Might as well ask if a wolf would kill a sheep.
‘Gui said that we should follow this dry stream to a path that leads off to the right,’ Isidore remarks, from some distance ahead. He stops and turns, waiting for me to catch up. ‘Then we take that path to the first of the monastery vineyards.’
‘Mmmph.’ I’m not deaf. I heard what Gui said.
‘Are you sure you’re not overburdened, Babylonne?’
‘I told you. I’m fine.’
‘I could take that wine-skin.’
‘I’m fine.’ Is he always like this? Doesn’t he realise that I’ve spent my whole life dragging around great loads of firewood and wet laundry? ‘I’m just slower than you because my legs are shorter.’ In case you hadn’t noticed.
‘Your boots are thinner too,’ he says, matching my pace. ‘They’re poor, cheap things.’ (Don’t let Gran hear you say that! She’d have your guts for a girdle.) ‘I wish now that I had bought you a new pair of boots at Muret.’
‘Oh well.’ Try not to pant, Babylonne, or he’ll probably offer to carry you. ‘Maybe I should hollow out two small logs, and wear those instead. Like Bremond.’
Isidore laughs. (Come to think of it, I’ve never heard him laugh before.) ‘And then,’ he drawls, ‘if we come to a river, you can simply float across it. Really, what a sensible and practical alternative it would be to an ordinary shoe.’
‘Especially when you have to fend off sword thrusts, or start fires.’ I can’t help grinning as I catch his eye. But the smile on his own face disappears instantly, swallowed by an expression of the most profound pain. ‘What is it?’ Did you step on a thorn? ‘What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing.’ He turns away.
‘Was it something I said?’
‘No, no.’
‘You look as if you just bit down on a nut and broke your tooth.’
He shakes his head. All right, then. If that’s the way you’re going to be, I won’t talk either.
He’s right about these boots, though. They’re too soft for terrain like this. I can feel every sharp stone prodding at my instep.
Maybe wooden soles wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.
‘It’s the first time I’ve seen you smile,’ Isidore suddenly explains, in a tight voice. He’s still not looking at me. ‘You have Pagan’s smile.’
Is that meant to be a compliment?
‘When you look up at me like that, and smile . . .’ He swallows. ‘I’m sorry. It was such a terrible loss, and such a recent one—but I mustn’t burden you with my sorrows.’ A pause. ‘I only wish that you had known him, Babylonne. He was a great man. He had the finest mind and the biggest heart . . . he was the bravest, most eloquent, most accomplished teacher . . . so funny and quick . . . such a devoted friend and noble spirit . . .’
Isidore’s voice cracks. He can’t even speak. I never realised, until this moment, how deeply he must have loved my father. A ‘father in all but blood’, that’s what he said. I thought it simply a turn of speech, but I was wrong.
Have I ever loved anyone as much?
My mother, perhaps, when I was a baby. The mother I never knew. But how can you really love a person you’ve never known? Or even known much about?
How can you love someone who isn’t clear in your head?
‘Forgive me.’ He’s speaking more firmly now. ‘Your own loss is far greater than mine, of course. You never met him, whereas I enjoyed his company for many years. At least I had that blessing. You did not.’
True. On the other hand, I can think of many other things that I’ve wanted a great deal more than my father’s company.
‘Well . . .’ What can I say? ‘You can’t miss what you never knew.’ And never particularly wanted to know, either. But the sadness in Isidore’s face makes me sad as well. He doesn’t deserve to be so miserable—not really. Though he might be a Roman priest, he’s also a good man. I can see that now. He wouldn’t have stood around watching my mother die, I’m sure of it. ‘For your sake, I wish that my father was alive.’ There. I said it. ‘Just so that you would be happy again, and not grieve so much.’
Isidore stops in his tracks. He peers around at me, his expression softening.
As up ahead, someone shouts.