Chapter 18

I was not released then.

Because of the length of the hearing, the board needed time to deliberate. Though Dr. Felter would have been happy to deny me right then and there.

I got to visit with Amekia, King, and Vicky for a few hours after my hearing. When they left I felt a strong yearning to be with them. Especially Vicky. I had not seen her for a little over a year, and by looking at her a year was a very long time. She said she was working two jobs and had a place in East Palo Alto.

Amekia was still in school for psychology and worked at the V.A. where my mom use to work. She still lived at home.

King had moved to Modesto after Ma-Maw died and had a legal job, a girlfriend, and a baby girl. I was not worried or surprised. We hadn’t spoken in years, and I’d let him go. I had to since my mind was on other things and I wouldn’t be able to love him right. I loved the man, though. That’s why I let him go.

Being raped did not turn me into no dike at all, but it did make me grossed out by men.

After our visit, my friends returned to their lives, and I returned to mine, and we promised to keep in touch.

Dr. Richards was back at work the very next day, ready to take over as my doctor again. I’d guessed I was not getting released because a week passed and I was still there.

Dr. Richards said all she could do was listen, not make an opinion or vote seeing as she was not present as a doctor at the hearing. All she told me was they were still considering it and to keep up hope and to pray. She said she was working on it.

I was in my room writing Vicky a letter about what was going on when Dr. Richards knocked on the door and walked in.

“Wha’chu doing?” she asked closing the door and walking to me.

“Writing Vicky,” I said as she sat down on the bed.

“Wouldn’t you rather tell her in person?”

I shrugged and then looked at her. My heart was pounding, “She’s here?”

Dr. Richards laughed shaking her head. “No, but I told you I’d get you out of here. I’m just sorry it took so long.” I wasn’t processing it. “Shi, you can start packing, you’ve just been granted outpatient status.”

I looked at her, and then we both screamed together. I didn’t know what to do or how to act. I guess I was institutionalized because I was sort of scared to leave. But then I began to quickly realize it was now time to put my plan in motion. It was finally time.

After Dr. Richards and I talked for about an hour about where I was going to live when I got released and how I would get there. I was released after that. Dr. Richards had me sign some papers and then gave me five hundred dollars of her own money and took me to the Grey Hound Station. I lied and said I wanted to just ride, and think, and see the sights. I said I wanted to surprise Vicky, I told her that’s where I was going to live.

But I had no idea where I was going to live. I mean for what I was planning I couldn’t live with Vicky. I could put her in danger, and I didn’t want her all up in mine. The thing was I had to be released somewhere so, hell, it was to Vicky’s.

At the Grey Hound Station with a small duffel bag full of all my paperwork and some clothes, I hugged Dr. Richards and said, “Goodbye,” and promised to call as soon as I got to Vicky’s.

I hopped on the bus in Bakersfield and pulled out my papers. I was seated in the back next to the bathroom.

As the bus started, I began thinking of my next move.

I had a lot of work to do.