Dear Ethan,
It’s been three months since I left Lancaster County, and for the first time since you left this world, I am starting to feel at peace. This is largely due to my new and wonderful relationship with God, but also because Hannah and her family have shown me love in a way I haven’t known before. I wish you were still here with us, and I guess I will never fully understand why you felt like you had to leave instead of facing what was ahead of you.
Charlotte still struggled with the fact that Ethan felt like he couldn’t go to her when he was at his lowest. But she prayed about it all the time.
I’ve learned to live with the fact that some things can’t be fully understood, at least not until we get to heaven. And now I know that God has a purpose for each and every one of us.
Lena has been traveling back and forth from Lancaster County to Houston. She stays with me when she’s in town, and I go with her to her chemo treatments. Fortunately, she hasn’t been as sick as some people get when they go through this. I introduced her to queso, and when she’s feeling well enough, we stay up late munching on chips and dip and watching chick flicks. She said that watching television is a guilty pleasure that she thinks God would be okay with under the circumstances. She’s truly the mother I never had, and I continue to learn from her.
As for Hannah . . . she’s moving on, Ethan. She loved you, and I’ll never understand what drove you into Edna’s arms. But what’s done is done. Hannah is finding happiness with Isaac, and I’m so happy for both of them. Edna married John Dienner. I didn’t go to the wedding, even though Hannah asked me to attend with her. And maybe I should have gone, if for no other reason than to be there for Hannah since I know it was difficult for her to watch Edna and John take their vows. Hannah confronted Edna about a week after I came home. She told Edna that she knew about your relationship. Edna pleaded with Hannah not to tell anyone that the two of you’d had an affair. I don’t know if I could have kept that information to myself, but then again . . . I’m not Hannah, and Hannah chose not to destroy Edna’s life. What a wonderful sister-in-law Hannah would have been, but everything happens for a reason, according to God’s plan, and Hannah and I are sisters in every sense of the word. She said I’m a Daughter of the Promise—someone who has sought and found new meaning to the words faith, hope, and love. Had things played out any differently, I might not have been introduced to God and taught how to trust Him with my life.
Charlotte took a deep breath, tucked her brown hair behind her ears, and thought about the Ethan she’d known. Edna had told Hannah that the affair with Ethan had been a mistake that she would regret and have to live with for the rest of her life. She said that Ethan became obsessed with her, following her around so much that it sounded like he was stalking the woman. Charlotte had to face the fact that no matter how much she’d loved her brother, deep down, she’d always known that Ethan’s desire to be loved might someday get the best of him. The irony is that he betrayed someone who loved him deeply and unconditionally—Hannah. Charlotte watched him go in and out of depression their entire lives. She put pen to paper again.
I have trouble forgiving Edna. I know that by not forgiving her, I’m only hurting myself, so I’m working on that. It’s also hard for me to forgive our parents, but I pray about that often. If I wanted to find Mom, I could. And one day maybe I’ll be ready to talk to her. But not yet.
Lena will be back next week for another treatment. She dreads the chemo, but I always look forward to spending time with her. I haven’t talked to Jacob or Amos since I left. Lena said Amos doesn’t say much about me, but that he is grateful that I am taking care of her when she’s in Houston. It’s a privilege to do so. I sense that Amos still harbors some bitterness toward me, and I can’t say I blame him. I told an awful lot of lies while I was there. But I will be going to Lancaster County next fall. Jacob is getting married! I think he’s much too young. He’ll be almost eighteen, and it’s the Amish way to marry young, but he seems like a baby to me. I’m hopeful that by then maybe Isaac and Hannah will be getting married also.
She tapped the pencil against the yellow pad, then glanced at the framed picture on her nightstand. A photo of her and Ryan taken right before Christmas at the ice skating rink in the Galleria Mall. She’d almost toppled onto the ice when she’d captured the selfie of them. But as Ryan had done more than once over the past few months, he held her up and kept her from falling.
Ryan is wonderful, Ethan. I’m not sure if he is the one, but I care deeply about him, and our relationship is in a good place. I wish you were here to see for yourself. I wish that we could have gotten you treatment for your depression. I wish that you’d never felt so alone and desperate that you felt the only way out was to take your own life. I wish . . . I wish . . . But God never wastes a hurt. So much has changed for me. For the better. I’d do anything to have you back, but I’m finally moving on with my life, putting each foot forward toward a brighter future.
So, until I see you again—and I do believe I will see you again—sleep with the angels, my dear brother.
Love,
Char
She pulled the drawer of her nightstand open and put the yellow pad and pen inside. She’d just closed it when the phone rang. Smiling, she glanced at the clock on her cell phone. Right on time.
“Hey, you.”
Ryan called every night at ten thirty to tell her good-night. Just the sound of his voice always made her smile. As she listened to him talk about his day, she closed her eyes and smiled again.
Thank you, God.