Abby watched Ryan walk out of Teas’d and wondered how she’d been so slow as to let that happen without saying anything. Honestly, she’d been so stunned by it all that she was still in a state of shock and was two steps behind when it came to her reactions.
She’d let Ryan walk away.
How could she have let him walk away?
Adrienne hugged her close, and Abby leaned into her friend, needing them all more than she thought possible. Yes, she was trying to lean on others more, but right then? She desperately needed it, even knowing that she wasn’t going to do it for long because she needed to go kick some ass.
“Thea? Can I borrow your car?” Abby would be getting her car back the next day, but she still had to rely on others to get anywhere. While she was grateful for the help, she needed her own vehicle.
Thea reached into her pocket and handed over her keys without a word, but Dimitri put his hand on hers and handed his keys over instead.
“Take mine. Thea will need the bakery keys on hers,” he reminded them all. “And go kick his ass, Abby. We all need an ass-kicking every once in a while.”
“Don’t remind me,” Mace muttered, and the women nodded.
Landon came toward Abby, and she tried not to notice that he was still shirtless. It had already been a weird day. “You’re good for him, Abby. He just needs to realize that. Kick his ass but make him talk. If he talks, you can get through to him.”
Abby went up on her toes and kissed Landon’s cheek. “I will. And I could say the same about you.”
Landon narrowed his eyes. “One emotionally damaged man at a time, thank you.”
She rolled her eyes, knowing he wasn’t exactly kidding, but she didn’t have time to worry about him just then. The Montgomerys and others would take care of Landon and make sure his tattoo was finished as well as, you know, get him a shirt. The little things first.
She, on the other hand, had to deal with the man who’d just walked out on her because he was scared. Don’t get her wrong, she’d been scared as well, but she wasn’t about to let Ryan go. Not like this.
Not when she’d taken a chance.
She wouldn’t allow either of them to mess this up because they were scared. She’d already gone through enough in her life. She couldn’t let that happen.
Abby quickly said her goodbyes and headed to Dimitri’s car, thankful that her friends were already planning to let her borrow it. Abby didn’t know if she would have asked before everything that happened recently. She’d been so sure of herself, so used to doing everything on her own. She might have missed out on a lot.
But that didn’t matter now. The only thing that did was Ryan. And he wasn’t in the parking lot. He wasn’t anywhere near.
She didn’t think he would go to a bar, not after what had just happened with Michael, and she didn’t believe that he’d go to the jail to bail his brother out either.
No, he would go home. To his big, empty house where he could be all alone and stew in his own misery.
Well, fuck that.
Abby wasn’t going to let that happen.
The roads were a little slick but not too bad, and she was grateful that Dimitri’s car was great with the weather. She pulled into Ryan’s driveway, right next to his car, and let out a breath. She’d been right. He was home.
She didn’t want to say that he was going to pay for leaving her like that, but it would be pretty damn close. Anger surged through her veins. She wasn’t mad at Ryan, she was angry that he’d given up. But his life had been dealt another blow, and he had turned around and done the same to her.
Well, that just wouldn’t stand.
She slammed the car door and made her way to Ryan’s front door. She rang the doorbell, once, twice, then three times, her hands shaking as she did.
Maybe the adrenaline from what had happened at the store was finally wearing off and she was starting to freak out. Well, she could do that later. First, she needed to make sure that Ryan understood exactly what was going on.
Because there was no way she’d let it end like this.
It was going to end on her terms or his. Their terms.
Not Michael’s.
She was about to ring the doorbell again when Ryan opened the door, his eyes wide, a closed beer bottle in his hand, and his shirt unbuttoned.
It was very hard to concentrate on being angry with him and the entire situation when all she could do was stare at his chest.
His very sexy chest.
A chest with the perfect amount of hair that made her want to growl, and ink everywhere there wasn’t hair.
She really, really wanted to touch that chest.
But first, she needed to let her anger out.
“Can I come in?” she asked as she pushed her way into the house.
She wasn’t usually this forward. In fact, she was usually only this way with her business. Except for when she had been in bed with Ryan. Then, she had been just as forward as he was. And it had been fun. Good. Neither of them fighting for control but pushing each other to go further. To fly over the edge as they came.
That had been fun.
But her standing up for herself like this? She wasn’t really good at it.
But she’d be damned if she let what had happened earlier change and ruin everything.
Ryan closed the door behind her and then turned around on his heel. “I guess you can just come in.”
“Thanks. We need to talk.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a breath. “I don’t want to hurt you, Abby, but you need to go.”
She ignored the little clutch in her belly at his words. She would let him off the hook this time and not get too angry. She wouldn’t lash out at him for pushing her away. She understood the desire, the need. She had done enough of that when she lost Max. But she wasn’t about to walk away just then.
“No.”
“What?”
“Hell no, actually. I’m not leaving. We’re going to talk. Because that’s not how we do things. We don’t just run away when things get hard. You helped me when I needed you, and I’m trying to help you now. So let me do it.”
“This isn’t the same as helping you out of a snowbank. This isn’t the same as a car accident on an icy road. Everything about this is far worse than just icy roads.”
“Then tell me what this is.”
“You saw what it is. You saw what my brother did. I don’t want you in the middle of that. I don’t want that to touch you. You deserve so much more than that.”
“I’m going to stop you right there, Ryan. Because no one gets to tell me what I deserve other than me.”
He looked a little sheepish and set the closed beer bottle down on the hutch near the entryway. “I don’t want to hurt you, Abby.”
“You keep saying that, but that doesn’t make it completely true.”
“But it is true.”
“No, it isn’t. Because you pushing me away like this is going to hurt me. It’s not hurting right now because I think I’m still in a bit of shock over everything that just happened and I’m not feeling much pain. But I’m going to feel pain if you just push me away and ignore me like this. I want to help you, Ryan. I want to know exactly what happened and why. I don’t blame you. I can’t blame you. But you have to tell me. Because that person? Your brother? He wasn’t you. Everything he said today meant nothing. All he did was show me what kind of ass he is. He didn’t do anything to show what kind of man you are. Because I know what kind of man you are. And that man is nothing like your brother.”
Ryan took a step forward, brushing his finger along her jawline. “It’s not as simple as that.”
“Then tell me.” She swallowed hard. “Tell me.”
“My brother’s a drug addict.”
She nodded. “I know. And I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “I was sorry for a long time, and then I couldn’t be anymore.”
“Then start at the beginning. I know this thing between us is new, but we were friends before everything changed. Let me be your friend. Let me be here. Don’t walk away, Ryan. Don’t walk away from this when it’s just beginning.”
Ryan looked at her for so long, she was afraid that he would say no. She worried that he would tell her to leave and that he never wanted to see her again. He’d already tried to do that earlier, and she’d forced him to look at it another way. She hoped that she hadn’t made a mistake.
“Come with me into the living room. Sit down while I pace or something. I just…I don’t know what to do.”
“Then just talk. And I’ll listen.”
She followed him into the living room, looking around his large house as she went and wanting to see all of it. Maybe that time would come. Perhaps he wouldn’t push her out of his life fully, and she’d be able to see everything.
“My brother has always been selfish. And maybe that makes me a little selfish for thinking that, but I couldn’t help it growing up. No matter what I did, I was never good enough. He might have said that I was the favorite, but that was never really the case. My parents loved my brother. He’s my twin, you know.”
She nodded. “I know.” Michael had mentioned it, but she couldn’t have missed the resemblance anyway. Even with the drugs on Michael and life that had been leeched from him.
“I’m an Air Force brat, meaning I moved around a lot as a kid. That’s why I am decently good at driving in the snow here because it’s not as bad as the snow was in northern Japan.”
Her eyes widened. “You used to live in northern Japan?”
He nodded. “Yeah, at the end of high school. Snow there sucked. But that’s where I learned how to drive. And then I had to learn how to drive on the right side of the road. But that doesn’t really matter.”
“Everything matters. All the little parts that make us who we are…all those things matter.”
“Maybe you’re right. But I’m taking a long time to figure out what I want to say.”
“I’m here.” She leaned forward as he paced around the living room. She wanted to walk with him, wanted to touch him. Wanted to do anything to make this easier for him.
But she knew as soon as she did that, she would pop the bubble, and maybe things would change. Maybe he would walk away, and she wouldn’t be able to get anything out of him.
So she sat where she was, and she waited.
“We moved around a lot, and because of that, I only had my brother. It’s hard to make new friends when you’re constantly moving from place to place. I got good at being sociable when I needed to be, giving a little bit of myself as I walked around and met new people. I was good at fitting in with any situation, even if I didn’t give myself completely. I never really wanted to because I knew we would be moving again, and then I would just have to start all over. Michael really wasn’t the same way. He threw himself into friendships and relationships, at least he used to. Especially when we were kids. But then we’d be ripped from it, and he’d cling to me. And when I wasn’t enough, and he couldn’t figure out how to form relationships with other people, he flung himself into other things. He needed that adrenaline rush of having a best friend, of having attention focused on him. He went to drinking first. Because that made him popular. Even in middle school.”
She pressed her lips together, understanding. “When we finally figured out who we were as individuals rather than just twins, we also had to deal with the fact that we were constantly moving. That the connections that we had were constantly fraying at the edges. And so, my brother then threw himself into drugs. He was in high school the first time he OD’d. And he did it because he wanted Mom and Dad to pay attention to him. Our parents had some money, and it wasn’t from the military. Hell, the military pays shit…but you know that.”
She nodded.
“So, my parents put Michael into a good rehab center, and they ignored the situation. They ignored the whys of it. They were both military, you see. Sometimes, one would be off for six months at a time, sometimes nine months on remote. TDYs are ridiculous, but it was what they did. They fought for our country, and I was damn proud of it.”
“That’s good.”
“They didn’t die because they were in the military. But when they did finally pass away, I think part of Michael broke. My parents gave Michael everything they possibly could to make him better. And Michael couldn’t do it. There was just something about him that made him throw himself into every situation, to the point where drugs were his only answer. And he used people, broke people, and did everything that he could to make sure that he got what he wanted. And when he didn’t, he broke even more.”
Ryan let out a breath, and Abby just listened. “I didn’t want my brother to die, but sometimes I think it would be easier if he did. And that makes me a horrible person, but he got me put in jail once because he stole my identity. We’re twins. Apparently, it’s easier than you think. He got me in bar fights, got me in trouble with my exes. He would pretend to be me and do so much shit that it was ridiculous. He doesn’t look anything like me now; the drugs and the alcohol hurt him and aged him at least twenty years. But it’s hard to love my brother. When I try to take care of him, it only enables him. A couple of years ago, I took a step back and told myself I wasn’t going to do that anymore. I’d lost my parents and I was losing my brother, but I couldn’t lose myself. And, yeah, maybe that’s selfish, but fuck it. Every time I helped, he just went further and further over the edge. I just knew he was going to die no matter what I did. I took a step back and told myself I wasn’t going to enable him anymore.”
“That’s good.” She didn’t know what else to say, not yet.
“Maybe, but he still blames me. Blames me for so much shit. He shows up every once in a while, no matter where I move, and tries to take my money, my house. Tries to take my friends.” He looked her right in the eyes. “Tries to take those I care about.”
“Okay. He’s not going to.”
“This is just the start.”
“No, you tried to end it before, and we’re going to make sure it’s ended. Because you’re not alone this time. And I’m not just talking about me. You know that Thea, Adrienne, Dimitri, Shep, Shea, Mace, Landon, and even Kaylee will all be there for you. Roxie and Carter will be there for you. I’m going to be there for you.”
“I don’t want them to get hurt.” Ryan stuffed his hands into his pockets, and she shook her head, standing up so she could move around the coffee table and be right next to him. She put her hand on his chest, soaking in the warmth of his skin and feeling the heartbeat beneath her palm.
“He’s not you. You can’t put what he does on you. You can’t put every single decision he’s ever made on yourself. You were a military kid, too. You had to learn how to deal with new situations and new people. And you didn’t turn into a drug addict.”
“Abby.”
“No, it’s my turn. You didn’t fall into the abyss like him. And am I sad that he’s there? Yes. Because it hurts you. But he made his own decisions. And, yes, you’ve tried to help him. Your parents tried to help him. It wasn’t enough. At least that’s what he thought. But you did everything you could. And if you want to continue to help him, then go for it. But if you want to try and protect yourself for the first time? Then do that. Because addiction is a disease, but at some point, the people around the addict have to take care of themselves as well.”
“He could have hurt you today.” There was such a growl in his voice that Abby knew that this was one of the biggest parts of why he’d tried to push her away.
“No. Because you were there.”
“But he knew your name. That means he was watching you before.”
She held back a shiver and nodded. “And now the cops have him. And I’m going to press charges. And maybe they’ll keep him locked away. But you were there, and I knew I wasn’t going to get hurt. Am I sad about what happened in my shop today? Yes. Am I going to miss some money that I would have made from that stuff? Yes, but I have insurance. And it’s just things. Believe me. With everything else going on. It’s just things.”
“I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Then don’t hurt me. Don’t put what your brother’s done on yourself. Just know that you’re not alone. I’m here. And I don’t want you to walk away. Don’t push me away, Ryan. Please.”
She was so afraid that he would tell her to go, to calmly say that it was over between them.
She didn’t want it to be over. She wanted to know Ryan better. Wanted him in her life. This was so new, just the cusp of what it could be. But she was taking a chance on herself, taking a chance on them, and she desperately wished he would take a chance as well.
And when he didn’t answer, she felt like the world was falling away beneath her, her stomach lurched, and her heart raced.
But he didn’t say anything.
Instead, he lowered his head and brushed his lips along hers. A gentle kiss, a sweet caress.
Everything would be okay.
Everything had to be okay.