“I’m sorry.” Ryan lowered his head and rested his forehead on hers. “I’m sorry for reacting like I did. For pushing you away. For doing everything that I did like that. I just reacted. And it was stupid. But I’m sorry.”
“You don’t get to be sorry.” She paused. “Because you don’t have to be. I lost someone before. And I thought I lost it all. I thought everything was over. But it wasn’t.”
Ryan ran his hands through her hair and looked down at her. “I don’t know how you do it.”
“What? Live? It’s the only thing I know how to do anymore.”
He pulled her into his arms, holding her close. She was so damn strong, but he knew she hated those words, so he wasn’t going to say them. But she was. He’d walked away because he needed time to think, and was so afraid that she was going to get hurt because of him. So he’d taken away her choice in the matter, and he regretted it. But now she was here, and he’d have to figure out what to do next.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do about Michael, but I don’t want to lose you because of it.”
“Then don’t let Michael matter when it comes to you and me. He’s going to be a part of this because he threw himself into the situation, but that doesn’t mean you have to let him be the main part. I don’t know what’s to come with his charges or anything that has to do with him and his future, but it doesn’t have to be your future.”
“He always has a way of making it feel it had to be.”
“Then don’t let it. And I know that seems basic, but it was the only way I could move on when I needed to.” She pulled away, letting out a breath. “When Max died, I tried to make sure I could figure out how to move on, how to be who I was, learn what I needed to be. But it wasn’t always easy. It isn’t supposed to be. I was pregnant when Max died. We’d just found out the sex of the baby, and we had put off our wedding because we wanted to hold her together while we said our vows.”
Abby shook her head, a small smile on her face.
“It seems silly now, wanting to hold an infant that would probably cry and poop and not really enjoy itself while we were saying our vows, but that’s what we wanted. We were starting a new life, cancer or not. But the cancer came back, and it came back hard.”
Abby looked Ryan right in the eyes, and he swallowed hard, knowing that she didn’t talk about Max like this often. He was going to listen, and he would treasure it for what it was.
Trust.
She was trusting him with this part of herself, and he was going to do his best not to take that for granted.
“I thought my life was over when I lost Max. But it wasn’t. The cancer that he had when he was a kid came back more than once. But it came back the hardest that last time. It wasn’t one of those cancers that you see a ribbon for, or one of those that you can buy a can of soda and think you are donating when you really aren’t and can think everything is fine. Because you know that nothing is fine when it comes to cancer. They call it the Big C and make all these slogans and say that everything will be fine if we can just find a cure. But they can’t. Not yet. There’s so much wrong with the world, but the fact that we can’t figure out how to save someone in the prime of their life? Sometimes, I feel like that’s one of the worst.”
She shook her head, and Ryan stayed silent, reaching out for her when she came close in her pacing. She didn’t move away from his touch, and for that he was grateful.
“Max met a friend when he was in treatment. Someone that he knew from back in his first treatment days. That’s how I met the Montgomerys. Murphy Gallagher had cancer, and he lived. One of the nurses at the outpatient center was actually marrying into the Gallaghers, so she dealt with Max more than Murphy because of the conflict of interest and all that. But anyway, the Gallaghers had already married into the Montgomerys up in Denver, and then I met all of the Montgomerys after Max’s death. And if you think the Montgomerys here in Colorado Springs are large, they’re even bigger up in Denver.”
He nodded, his eyes still on hers. “I know a few of them, so I get it.” His lips quirked into a smile but he knew it didn’t reach his eyes.
Between talking about drugs and death, it was kind of hard.
“Max was supposed to be fine. The cancer was going away, and the treatments were working. It just took such a toll on his body. He was so tired all the time, but he always laughed. I loved his laugh. It was just this big belly laugh that made you smile. And even if I didn’t find whatever he was laughing about funny, I always joined in because of that laugh. And so, when we knew that the treatments were going better, even if they were taking more of a toll on him than usual, we planned to get married. We were going to have our Julia, and we intended to invite the Gallaghers and the Montgomerys to our wedding. They were probably going to outnumber Max’s family, and since I didn’t have any family of my own, they were really going to sprinkle into both sides of the aisle. But it was fine. We were making our own family. We were making our own future.”
She wiped a tear from her face and looked up at him. “Max had a blood clot. A one in one hundred chance when it came to the drug that was supposed to save his life. That blood clot moved through his heart right in front of me. He looked right at me, his eyes wide, and I knew. He knew. He knew.” She repeated. “I loved Max with everything I had. And he died right in front of me. I know they say that he probably didn’t feel much pain, but I heard the sound of his voice when he died. I saw the way his body went tight. How his skin turned ashen. I saw the way he clutched at his chest. I know he died quickly, but there was pain. And I saw it all. They were really afraid that I was going to lose the baby right then because I fell to my knees, screaming.”
She let out a breath.
“People helped me. I don’t remember who they were. I just remember looking at Max and knowing he was gone. That he wasn’t going to raise Julia, that he wasn’t going to be the dad that I wanted him to be. He wasn’t going to be with me at the altar saying our vows as we dealt with an infant. There wasn’t going to be anything more.”
“Abby, you don’t have to continue.”
“No, the hard part’s over. Well, at least that hard part. Because Max was gone, and we weren’t married, and even though he had filled out a lot of paperwork to make sure that I was the power of attorney, there were a lot of other things that I couldn’t do since I wasn’t legally his wife. But none of that matters anymore. In the end, I had the little bit of money that we had saved for each other, and I moved down here to try and start a new life. Because you know what the hard part of having those around you fall is?”
He shook his head, wanting to hold her but knowing that she needed to be strong right then.
“The hard part is living. Because that person’s gone. They’re not coming back. And you have to live. You have to go through the motions, through the paperwork, through the next day and the next. You have to remember to drink water. You have to remember to take a breath. And I had to remember to do that for two. I was alone in the room with nurses and doctors when Julia was born, but that was because I wanted it to be just me and Julia. I knew Max was in the room with me, even if he wasn’t there physically. But I wasn’t alone, not fully. The Gallaghers were in the waiting room. And then the Gallaghers and the Montgomerys helped me move down here. Oh, I tried to push them away. I tried to do things on my own because that’s what I thought I needed to do. It isn’t until just recently that I realized that I really can’t do everything myself. But I’m learning to ask for help. Because I’m living. I’ve gone through grief. I’m still going through it day by day. But I’m okay, Ryan. Because I had to be. Because I want to be. And I’m telling you all this not so you can cry with me or feel sorry for me. I’m telling you this because I know you’re grieving, too. You’re losing Michael a little more each day, and yet it isn’t like with Max when he was gone in that instant. You lose Michael every time he comes back into your life. And I know it’s hard, but you’re living. You have a job, you have this house.” She paused. “You have me. If you want. Because you have me. Because you’re not losing me. Okay? You don’t have to lose me.”
Ryan looked down at her steady hands. Steady. Not shaking. She was so damn strong. “I’m not going to tell you that it’s a different kind of grief because you understand that. You, more than anyone, know that. But I don’t want to lose you, Abby. I never wanted to lose you. I was just afraid that if I had you, Michael would ruin it.”
She took a step forward, putting her hand on his chest again. He loved it when she touched him, loved everything about it. “Then don’t lose me.”
And so he kissed her again, knowing that she had taken a huge step for him, and all he had to do was take that step with her.
He kissed her more, holding her close as she leaned into him. “I want you in my life, Abby. I want every part of you.” He knew they were just starting, that they had so much more to give, so much to learn about each other, but this was the first step.
He wanted more with her, but he knew that they would figure it out.
Together.
“Then take me,” she whispered.
So he did.
First by slowly stripping her out of her clothes, then doing the same with his own. He lowered them to the soft rug he had in the living room, gently licking at her skin. She arched for him when he cupped her breasts, then panted when he touched her between her thighs.
They made love on his rug, surrounded by a roaring fire with snow falling outside. He plunged into her after getting the condom from her purse, each of them sucking in a breath as they both fought not to come immediately.
She bit his jaw, and he rocked into her, wanting to go slow but knowing that it wasn’t easy when it came to Abby.
She licked his neck, and he thrust again.
Then she slid her hand between them, cupping him at his base before sliding him over her wetness.
And then he moved faster, harder, and they both came, panting each other’s names even as they continued to move, clinging to one another as if they only had each other, like there were no worries in the world.
Tomorrow the world would change, and they would have to figure out what to do with Michael, Julia, Teas’d, and the rest of their long list of worries, but for now, they just held each other, petting one another as they fought to catch their breath.
And for now, that was what Ryan needed. What Abby needed.
No matter what, he wasn’t going to run away again. Wasn’t going to lose her out of fear.
He’d take a chance on fate because she had the strength to take a chance on him.
On them.
And he was all in.
For as long as he could have her.