On Monday morning Ryan came downstairs as usual, but Carly wasn’t in the kitchen. He glanced down the hall to her room, saw the closed door, and let out the breath he’d been holding. He didn’t know what to say about yesterday’s fiasco with Penny, except that he wanted to protect his daughter from hurt, and he didn’t understand Carly and her faith at all.
Relieved to avoid the conversation, he left the house quietly, cruised through a drive-thru, and arrived at the office an hour before the first patient. With breakfast in hand, he retreated to his desk to read e-mail and scan the news. He was halfway through the bagel, which wasn’t as good as the ones Carly made, when his phone buzzed with a text. This early in the day it had to be her.
Frowning, he glanced at his phone. Instead of the photo he’d snapped when Carly wasn’t looking, he saw a message from Denise. Am in LA!! Big news!!! When can we talk w/o Penny?
He couldn’t imagine what the news might be. A promotion seemed likely, or maybe she was getting married and would finally get out of his hair.
Lifting his coffee to his lips, he ordered himself to stay detached. Knowing Denise, w/o Penny meant about Penny. And about Penny meant questions, criticism, and advice he didn’t want. He had a full load of patients today, but he respected the limits of her flight schedule, so he texted back. Anytime after 5 pm. Where?
She texted back a street address in El Segundo, a neighborhood on the south side of Los Angeles International Airport. The locals called it the Mayberry of Los Angeles because of its quiet streets and small-town atmosphere.
The residential address surprised him, but a lot of airline personnel lived there. Denise was probably staying with a friend, or maybe the airline rented a house for layovers. He texted back that he’d be there but paused before texting Carly about Denise’s visit. She deserved a phone call, but he didn’t want to disturb her. Setting the phone aside, he decided to call her later in the morning between patients.
Unfortunately, an epidemic of conjunctivitis filled the waiting room with irritable children and cranky adults. Overloaded, he skipped lunch, asked Fran to call Carly, and barely managed to leave the office on time.
He was in a sour mood when he turned down Denise’s street. With one eye on the GPS, he drove by houses typical of an old neighborhood being dragged into the future. The oldest homes were small and flat-roofed, relics from the 1940s. Others were drastically remodeled, and a few were new from the ground up.
The address Denise had given him belonged to an old bungalow on a street about a half mile from the beach. Taking in manicured lawns and mature trees, he parked under a sycamore, climbed out of the Honda, and strode up the front walk.
Denise opened the door wide and smiled, something she didn’t do around him very often. Even more disconcerting was her clothing, a faded jersey and old jeans. Her hair was in a ponytail instead of a bun, and she was wearing flip-flops. Sadly, she reminded him of Jenna, and he recalled his promise to ask for a photograph of her.
“Thanks for coming over,” Denise called out to him. “Traffic must have been terrible.”
“It always is.” Determined to be friendly, he asked his usual question. “How was your flight?”
Her lips tipped into a smug smile. “I didn’t fly. I drove.”
“You what?”
“I drove,” she repeated. “I turned in my retirement papers a month ago, rented out my condo, and here I am.” She held out her hand to indicate the house. “Come on in. I’ll show you around.”
Ryan’s feet stuck to the welcome mat. “This house—”
“I’m renting it, but the move to Los Angeles is permanent.” Chin high, she watched him with a dare in her eyes.
The thought of having Denise so close grated on his last nerve, but he feigned calmness and followed her inside. The house was bigger than it appeared to be from the street. A family room stretched into a backyard lined with rosebushes, and a dining area connected to a walk-through kitchen decorated in retro black-and-white. The far end of the kitchen opened into a small den, where cardboard boxes lined one wall. The bedrooms were off to the right.
“It’s small,” Denise said. “But it’s perfect for two people.”
“What’s going on?” He knew where this conversation was headed but wanted to hear her explain it.
She headed for the rose-colored sofa in the living room. “Let’s sit down. I’ll tell you the whole story. But first, can I get you something to drink? Water? Iced tea?”
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“Coffee?”
The flight attendant in her sometimes took over. Next she’d be telling him to buckle his seatbelt and put his tray table in the full upright position. Jet noise echoed in the distance, building from a rumble to the full-throated roar of takeoff. If Denise heard the noise at all, she ignored it.
She sat across from him on a chair that matched the couch. “I’m going to be as honest with you as I can.”
“I appreciate it.”
“I hope you’ll return the favor.”
“Of course.”
She inhaled deeply through her nose, then straightened her spine as if she were about to give a speech. “This isn’t a sudden decision. I was considering retirement even before Jenna died. She needed help with Penny, but my job made it impossible to be there for her. As much as I loved flying, it came at a cost. I never married, never had kids. Penny’s my only family aside from some cousins I haven’t seen in twenty years.”
Ryan had the same kind of cousins—distant and forgotten. “You love Penny. I know that, and I respect your ties to her.”
“Yes, you do. And you’ve been good about sharing her. But monthly visits just aren’t enough, especially when I hear about her getting lost at the mall or running away.”
“We’re working on why she does it. You know how it is.”
“What I know is that she has to be watched.” Denise’s gaze flicked proudly around the living room filled with feminine touches—fake flowers, lacy curtains, throw pillows. “This little house is perfect for her. There’s no pool, and I’m the only one who’ll have a key to the back gate. I’m also changing the door locks to keypads. It’s safer for children who tend to wander.”
Another jet roared overhead. Denise didn’t notice, but Penny would. “Did you consider the jet noise?” he shouted over it.
“She’ll get used to it.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Of course she will. It just takes time.”
As quickly as the noise erupted, it faded to silence. Maybe Penny would adjust, but Ryan doubted it. “I suppose you want to work out a schedule for Penny to visit.”
“Yes . . . or maybe more.”
“I want Penny to live with me. I’m home now, so you won’t have to depend on a nanny.”
“Denise, no.”
The corners of her mouth deepened into a frown. “We both know what Jenna wrote to me in that e-mail.”
“Yes, we do.” He had read it in the attorney’s office, when he and Denise sorted out caring for Penny. Jaw tight, he saw the printed computer page in his mind. If something happens to me, would you raise Penny as your own? Ryan Tremaine will pay support, but he’s not father material. He’s too perfect. He’ll never understand her.
When Jenna wrote those words, they’d been true. Except the part about him being perfect. A perfect man didn’t cheat on his wife. That failure still shamed him, but he was trying hard to be a good father. He knew Penny now, and he loved her just as she was. She had weaknesses, but who didn’t? Even Carly had a few, like her need for religion.
Ryan opened his mouth to tell Denise to back off, but she cut him off. “I can give Penny as much as you can. She needs a mother. As her aunt, I’m the best person to fill that role. I love her more than anyone or anything else.”
The implication being that Ryan didn’t love her as much as Denise did. He leaned back on the couch and stretched his arm. “Forget it, Denise. Penny’s my daughter. I’m going to live up to that responsibility.”
“But do you love her?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then do what’s best for her.”
“I am.”
Denise shot to her feet. “You ruined my sister’s life, and now you’re going to ruin Penny’s just to prove something.”
Ryan bristled, but part of her claim was true. He yearned to redeem himself, but his personal life was none of her business. The meeting was over, so he pushed to his feet. “My motives are none of your concern. We both want what’s best for Penny, and for that reason, we’re going to work together.”
“But I can help her,” Denise said, her voice rising over the roar of yet another jet. “I can be a mother to her.”
“And I’m her father.”
The roar faded as rapidly as it had begun, leaving them tangled in a wash of silence. With their eyes locked, they both heaved a sigh.
Making it a point to be diplomatic, even kind, Ryan offered a faint smile. “In a way, she’s lucky. We’re fighting over keeping her. A lot of FASD kids get tossed into foster care.”
Denise’s frown melted a little, and she sat. “That’s true. But still . . .”
“What?”
“With all the trouble you’ve had with nannies, I’m worried Penny won’t have the stability she needs.”
“Carly’s working out great.”
“For now. But how long will she stay? She’s been very candid about going back to Kentucky.”
“Maybe she’ll change her mind.” He hoped so, and not just for Penny’s sake. The boys loved her, and so did—No. He wouldn’t go down that road. He’d written off marriage the day he signed divorce papers, but Carly made him believe in himself. He wanted to be the man she thought he was, the man she deserved.
He’d gotten way ahead of himself, but when it came to Carly his emotions took off like the jets at LAX, one after another in defiance of gravity. Maybe Denise was right—he’d get used to the background noise, but his feelings for Carly were revving up again, and he felt the reverberation in his ribs.
Denise arched her brows at him. “It’s none of my business, Ryan. But are you two involved?”
“No.” A truthful answer, but only if he focused on his behavior and not his feelings for her. “Carly and I have a professional relationship. I’ll be as straight with you as you were with me. That relationship includes a friendship like I’m friends with Fran, my office manager. Do you have a problem with that?”
“No, but I’m not blind.” Denise’s voice softened a bit. “I’ve gotten to know her, and I have to admit I like her.”
“She’s a nice person.”
“She’s also young and pretty. You’re both adults—”
“Don’t go there.”
A dry little laugh escaped from her tight lips. “I’ve had a few relationships in my time. You’re human and so is Carly.”
“There’s nothing between us,” he said again. “We talk about family matters, and she’s great with Penny. She’s intelligent, kind, and more compassionate than anyone I know. You can think whatever you want about me, but don’t question Carly’s professionalism.”
“I wasn’t.” Denise flattened her hand on her chest, the picture of someone falsely accused, but her eyes narrowed with suspicion.
He’d defended Carly too quickly, said too much, but he wouldn’t take back a single word even if he could. Matching Denise’s superior stare, he changed the subject. “Let’s set a schedule for Penny to visit you. She’s not in school yet, so we have some flexibility. What do you think of one overnight visit a week?”
“I’d like more, of course.”
“That’s my offer.” He wasn’t denying Denise for spite. He truly believed Penny was better off at home with Carly.
Denise huffed through her nose and paused, maybe to debate the wisdom of negotiating with him. He hoped she didn’t try, because he wouldn’t budge, especially when another jet blasted into the sky. El Segundo had a lot going for it, but with Penny’s sensitivity to noise, he thought Denise had made a mistake in choosing to live here. Ryan didn’t hold it against her. He had made mistakes, too, like hiring that over-the-top decorator to do Penny’s room. She was happier now without the clutter, though the cloud murals and her confusion about death and heaven still concerned him.
“By the way,” he said to Denise, “I’d like a picture of Jenna for Penny’s room. She can’t grasp that her mother’s gone. Having a picture might help her understand.”
“Oh.” Denise seemed to shrivel in front of him.
“Do you have one handy?” Ryan hated to push, but he agreed with Carly about the picture.
Denise glanced at the boxes on the other side of the kitchen. Sorrow dimmed her eyes, and she turned hurriedly away. “I’m still unpacking. I’ll dig one out later.”
“That’s fine.”
She took a breath, maybe to fortify herself. “Would you like to see Penny’s room? The furniture’s coming later today.”
Ryan followed her through the kitchen and around the corner to a tiny bedroom. Square footage meant nothing to Penny, but she desperately needed order. “You might want to talk to Carly before you do any decorating.”
“Thanks, but it’s not necessary.”
For Penny’s sake, he tried again. “You know how she is. Too much stimulation—”
“Penny will love what I have in mind. I’m going with a zoo theme.”
He hoped Penny would like it, but it was hard to trust Denise’s judgment with yet another plane taking off. As a flight attendant, she’d been in charge of passengers but not weather, turbulence, or flight plans. Raising Penny presented a similar mix of circumstances. He hoped Denise planned to pass out headphones to block the noise.
“So . . .” She flashed a smile. “When can Penny spend the night?”
“Any day except Tuesday.” Family Night was carved in stone, and he looked forward to it.
“How about Thursday?”
“Check with Carly, but that should work. You two can arrange the details.”
With their plans settled, he said good-bye and headed to his car. Perhaps visiting Denise would help Penny understand her mother’s passing. Ryan hoped so, but the umpteenth jet revved its engines into a whine. Lumbering down the runway, it picked up speed until it went wheels up, came into his field of view, and shot toward the clouds.
Thanks to Carly, Penny thought God lived in the clouds and that Jenna was with Him. It was nonsense, so why was Ryan staring at the sky with a catch in his throat and an ache in his gut? An inexplicable longing welled in his belly, but a longing for what? Meaning? Purpose? Love? At times like this, he wanted to believe in a loving, all-powerful heavenly Father, but he just couldn’t.
Logic was logic.
Faith was faith.
And love was love. Blowing out a slow breath, he steeled himself against all those feelings he didn’t want, especially his feelings for Carly.