"Teo?" I stopped short just inside the door of Riley's PI office.
Sitting at the reception desk was a retired Colombian drug lord who'd once tried to kill me but had since moved to Who's There to retire in peace and quiet. How was it possible for someone the CIA plotted against to move to small-town Iowa? Teo cut a deal where he ratted out other drug lords. Now, he considered us besties.
Teo grinned. "Hola, Merry! What can we do for you?"
I glanced over at Kelly, who was lost in thought and staring at her computer monitor.
"You work here?" I didn't think he needed the money.
"I was getting bored," Teo admitted. "My daughter wants to spend more time with her friends, and I couldn't just sit around the house all day. Riley offered me a part-time job. So far, I love it!"
That was news to me. "How long have you been working here?"
"Since yesterday." He smiled. "Now, what can we do for you?"
Riley ended his phone call and waved me over.
"Thanks," I said quickly. "But I just need a quick chat with Riley."
Teo shrugged and went back to a small stack of invoices he appeared to be entering into a spreadsheet.
"You hired Teo?" I said quietly as I sat in a chair opposite my former handler.
Kelly answered without taking her eyes off the monitor. "I didn't want to handle invoices and answer the phone."
"We're getting a lot of inquiries." Riley grinned. "I'm going to need more staff, including an animal retrieval expert. The zoo has had a couple of animals go missing, and you wouldn't believe what people will pay us to find a lost cat."
"Congratulations," I said, wiggling my eyebrows meaningfully at Kelly, who still didn't look at me.
"I'm trying to figure out how to put hidden cameras around the city without the police noticing," Riley continued. "Most people in residential areas have those doorbell cameras now, and they don't mind sharing footage."
I held up my hands to stop him. "I'd rather not know about any plans that might put me at odds with my husband. But back to the pet detective thing. Who are you thinking of hiring?"
The door burst open, and Kurt Allen Hobbs III, Jr. Esq. strode in wearing camouflage clothing, a beekeeper's hat with veil, carrying nets, a loop on a stick thing, a snake hook, and a rake. He also wore a bandolier of various unlabeled cans that seemed to project a disaster on the horizon.
"I'm here for the interview for pet detective!" the kid exclaimed, posing with both hands on his hips.
Teo applauded enthusiastically.
Kurt was a very enthusiastic young man who'd once dreamed of being a bounty hunter. I'd originally been his main target, and he was always asking if I'd commit a crime so he could bring me in. Since that failed, Kurt worked for Riley on and off, doing menial work, but he was always looking for his big break in the security industry.
"I think you've found your man." I nodded in Kurt's direction.
Riley steepled his fingers thoughtfully as Kurt walked over, almost tripping over his supplies.
"I can wrangle runaway bee colonies, catch dogs, entice cats, and even locate snakes, gerbils, and rats!" Kurt pulled a smoker from his bandolier that promptly fell to the floor and rolled under Kelly's desk.
"Hire him," she said to her boss without taking her eyes off the computer. "I'm not going to chase after lost rats."
Riley frowned at Kelly's announcement. "Okay, Kurt, you're hired. But you work on commission based on the cases. Got it?"
I looked at Riley. "You're only going to pay him a percentage of each gig?"
"Works for me!" Kurt shouted. "Wait till I tell Kayla!" He stopped. "Do I get a desk and business cards?"
Riley pointed to a table in the corner with a rickety chair I wouldn't let my cat sit in. With a squeal of glee, the kid ran over and started arranging his supplies.
"Teo, can you order Kurt a box of business cards?" Riley asked.
"Of course!" came the enthusiastic response.
"Business cards?" Kurt looked at his new boss with shining eyes. "As in, more than one?"
Riley nodded and turned to me. "What can I do for you, Wrath?"
I joined him behind his desk. "I've been deepfaked…again. But this time for murder. Here."
This got Kelly's interest, and she walked over to watch the video with Riley. I guess I wasn't interesting enough until I committed murder. Was she mad at me because of the school dance? Clearly that wasn't my fault. Okay, well, inviting Hilly was, but I didn't know what she'd do!
"You don't even own those clothes and shoes," my best friend said. "Well, you had that black hoodie from the Glamping event you did with your other friends, but that had writing on it. This one is all black."
"I can't even tell if the killer is male or female." Riley frowned, most likely from the fact that he prided himself on his expertise on the female form.
"It's your head though," Kelly mused. "And that's Ava's date from the dance, isn't it?"
Riley stared at her. "Ava took an adult man as a date?"
I explained as Kelly sat down at her computer and went back to typing. "Vernon Croyer is the CEO of Tall Corn State Insurance. I'll see what else I can find on him."
"Are you paying us for this job?" Riley asked. "Because it seems like we're always giving you handouts."
Kelly ignored him and kept typing. She was probably thinking that we had to protect Ava from some really bad press. Riley was being an idiot. I was always solving his cases for him. He owed me. But how far did I want to push it?
Sometimes, you just needed to let a man think that he's won. "I'd pay you to research what Vernon Croyer was doing in town outside of the city's insurance contract. He told me he had other business to attend to after he'd secured the deal with city hall."
Riley smiled. "Deal. Teo will write you up a contract."
"On it!" Teo called out from his desk.
I added a disclaimer. "Remember that Rex will be working this case too. So I just want you to find out more about Vernon's other business in town. By the way, other than Betty, do you know anyone else locally who can create deepfakes like that?"
Kurt walked over, and Riley handed him my phone. "Did you just stab this guy? You finally commit a crime, and I'm no longer a bounty hunter! So unfair." He looked longingly at his rickety table. "Nah. I'll keep the pet detective gig. It's a lot more prestigious."
"I didn't kill anyone. That's not me. Well, it sort of is me, but it isn't." I retrieved my phone. "I'll ask the question again. Do you know anyone locally who can make a deepfake like that?"
Kurt thought for a moment. "Stewie's been doing some of that. He's trying to create footage of himself morphing into a dragon at major historical events, like at the signing of the Magna Carta, the inauguration ceremony for the Death Star, and at my cousin's gender reveal party."
I wasn't sure I believed him. "Stewie? Dred Demi Demon Odious Stewie? The kid who falls over when he has to touch his toes, Stewie?"
The young pet detective looked at me curiously. "Of course! He's impressive! The kid has created a cult all on his own, has a real church and everything!"
"He hasn't recruited anyone but Heather, Kayla, and Mike since the beginning," I reminded him.
Kurt frowned. "That's not his fault."
Why was he so excited about the cult? "I haven't seen you at the Chapel of Despair or on the newsletter list. And your girlfriend is a member."
"Well," Kurt said slowly. "It isn't really my thing. It's Kayla's. And I'm giving her some space to, you know, do her own thing."
"She graduates this year, doesn't she?" My eyebrows went up.
Kurt blanched. "Don't remind me. She's been hinting for a proposal."
"What's holding you back?" Kelly stopped typing to ask.
"Nothing, really," Kurt admitted. "I'm just not ready yet. We both have to work on our careers."
"Is she going to college?" I wondered. Hmmm… How did I not know that?
He nodded eagerly. "Yes! She's going to community college to study business. Says she has some awesome ideas for Sugar Lips'!"
I liked that idea! "So she's staying in the area. What about the others?"
"Stewie is working on designing his own online degree combining Demonology and the hospitality industry. He hasn't found a college that wants a major like that, but like I said, the kid's impressive. Heather wants to go to the University of Iowa but doesn't want to major in anything, but Mike, who wants to major in something called Communications, didn't get in. I think they're having issues with that."
"Don't get married, Kurt," Riley warned. "You're too young, and there are a lot of women out there."
Kurt turned beet red. "I'm a one-woman-only guy, Mr. Andrews, and Kayla is the one for me."
"Good for you!" I got out of my chair. "Now, if you find anything, can you let me know?"
"Have I ever not?" Riley feigned being insulted. Or maybe he was really insulted. It was hard to tell.
"Yes," Kelly said as her fingers flew over the keyboard. "Oh, and Merry, I've called for an emergency scout meeting at your house tomorrow. I've heard about the zoo thing." She looked at me as if it was my fault. "We're helping them raise money for the new aviary. Lauren taking penguins and howler monkeys out of the zoo is worrying me."
"Me too," I said as I shouldered my bag. "I'll get things ready."
Getting things ready usually just meant having a snack and craft on hand. But at the moment, we had an assassin and a Holy Mud Man staying in the house where meetings were held. I needed to talk to Hilly and Roger, hit the craft store, and check my freezer for cookies.
"Hey!" Hilly opened my front door before I even got the key in. "Welcome! Come in!"
"I was going to," I explained as I followed her inside. "This is my house, you know. The deal with you staying here has always included that I come and go as I want…and what is that amazing smell?"
The house was filled with a tantalizing aroma I couldn't place. Whatever this was, I was going to have some immediately…or sooner.
"Roger's making crack chicken!" Hilly pointed at a crock pot on the breakfast bar as we entered the kitchen.
I didn't even have a crock pot. Where did he get this one? I didn't think Hilly traveled with it. I opened the lid and was overwhelmed by the scent. Inside was shredded chicken covered in a sort of white sauce with seasoning, and I wanted to get a giant fork and eat it.
The sound of creaking joints gave him away as Roger appeared from the hallway. "It's so easy. You layer the bottom of the crock pot with chicken breasts, dump two blocks of cream cheese and two packets of ranch powder on top, cook it on high for five hours, and voila!" He raised his hands in a flourish that knocked him off-balance. I caught him before he could break a hip.
I helped him into a chair at the breakfast bar but stood by, just in case. "Why is it called crack chicken?"
"Because it's so good it's like crack cocaine!" Hilly replied. "Not that I've ever done crack cocaine." She looked up at the ceiling. "Hold on… I might have once in Tangiers. No, wait. That was LSD."
"Is it ready?" I was literally drooling.
"Roger wanted to have you and Rex over for dinner to thank you for putting him up," Hilly said. "I'm going to make buttered egg noodles to go with it."
I looked at my watch. Oh no! We still had a few hours to go. "We've got a meeting here tomorrow, so I need to organize a few things. But Rex and I will be here for dinner at four."
"That's early!" Hilly seemed surprised.
"I don't think we can wait much longer," I admitted. "Roger, did you learn to cook this in Chechnya?"
He shook his head. It sounded like something was rattling inside. "I never really made it back home. Goat cheese is not a good substitute for cream cheese, which we couldn't get. Couldn't get ranch dressing either, and the chickens were…well, a bit underweight. But I got Better Homes and Gardens magazine there…" His eyes took on a dreamy expression. "I love that magazine. I always wanted to learn feng shui for my shack."
"You know it was founded in Des Moines, right?" I asked.
His eyes grew round. "Another reason why Iowa is a holy place! Can we visit it? I'll be the envy of all the Holy Mud Men back home!"
"Um, sure. I think so," I said.
He leaned forward and, with a slowness that would startle a snail, grabbed me. "No, seriously, don't tease me. Can we really go there? The other mud men will be so jealous! No one does anything like that, except for the time Edgar got to meet John Stamos's fifth cousin twice removed at a mud festival in Grozny. He had bragging rights for years after that. But this… This would be epic!" He gave a wizened grin before panting from the exertion.
I gently pulled away from Roger's grip and promised him I'd take him.
I rummaged through my basement and found enough boxes of Girl Scout cookies to get us through the meeting without starting a snack riot. My troop was serious about snacks. I'd never seen an uglier mob than the time when they were in kindergarten and I had forgotten to bring anything. It may have been the closest I'd ever gotten to death.
After running back to my current house, I managed to find my box of lanyard plastic lacing supplies. That was a relief because the girls loved making foot-long lanyards, many of which have been given to me as gifts over the years. In fact, I had a huge bin of them in the garage. I figured someday I'd make a hammock out of them.
It took a lot of effort to convince Rex to come home early. It was nearly four o'clock, and we arrived at my old house, my stomach growling.
"What is that?" Rex gasped when we walked into the house. "That smells amazing!"
"Dinner!" I said as I ran toward the kitchen.
Hilly and Roger had set up a small card table in the corner, and we sat down to eat. No one spoke for at least ten minutes as we moaned over how good this tasted. The tangy, flavorful meat was the perfect complement to the bland buttered noodles, and we had seconds, thirds, and fourths before running out of food.
I sat back, rubbing my belly. "That is the best thing I've ever eaten."
Rex agreed. "I may need to go to bed early. I haven't eaten that much in a long, long time."
Roger grinned happily. "Wonderful! I've always wanted to make this. We don't have electric cooking devices like this back home."
"For someone who hasn't cooked Midwest cuisine before—" I wiped my mouth with a napkin "—that was perfect."
Hilly looked at her phone and scowled. She held it out to show the video of me "killing" Vernon Croyer.
"I didn't do it," I assured her.
"I know," the assassin said. "But why didn't you accuse me?"
"We always suspect you," I countered, trying to be helpful.
"Yes…" She sat back in her chair. "But you didn't accuse me this time. That's depressing."
Rex leaned forward. "Should we accuse you of murdering Croyer?"
Hilly scoffed. "Of course not. I mean, who stabs someone four times in the heart like that? You'd get blood all over you!"
"Right?" I agreed. "I told him that."
"And what kind of alley doesn't have any dumpsters?" she continued. "I always try to ice the pigeon near a dumpster. Or even in one. It makes everything so much more convenient."
Hilly used euphemisms to say she'd killed somebody. It had been a brief attempt on the CIA's part to confuse the enemy, but they shut it down almost immediately after because it confused spies and assassins as well. Hilly loved it and refused to give it up. No one corrected her because everyone was afraid of her.
"We don't have dumpsters in Chechnya," Roger added sadly.
Hilly looked at him. "Yes, you do. In Grozny. There are several sites, and I've used most of them."
Of course she did. Dumpsters were her signature spot for disposing of bodies. She once said she felt like she was recycling when she did that.
I asked something I should've thought of from the start. "How did you get that video on your phone?"
Rex gave her a stern look. "That's classified intel. I'm the only one who should have it."
Hilly pointed at me. "I cloned her phone. She had it."
Rex turned to me. "You sent the video to your phone?"
I threw my hands in the air. "It's a video of me killing a guy! Of course I did. I just didn't want you to know it."
My husband folded his arms over his chest. "I can understand why."
Roger stared at us. "You all talk about murder like it's a regular thing here."
He wasn't wrong. Who's There was the most murdery town in Iowa. We even had a Museum of Murder that highlighted nine of the more than sixty murders that had happened here on rotating exhibits. And I was a mannequin in all of them.
"Murder happens here all the time," Hilly said. "And none of the killers are me! Can you believe that?"
That was technically true. Hilly had assisted in a suicide. But I could see how she might feel slighted and left out.
"Riley's going to look into Vernon Croyer's background for me," I interjected.
Rex gave me a look. "That's my job, isn't it?"
"No." I held up a finger. "Your job is keeping me out of jail and learning this recipe. Riley's work is auxiliary. By the way, he's hired Teo as a receptionist and Kurt as a pet detective."
My husband was quiet for a moment, taking this in. "That will help us out. We're always getting calls from people about their missing pets. Kevin always volunteers with the Hamlets, but we almost had a massacre the other day when they found a missing python. Now I can send the calls to Riley."
It seemed like a win. "I didn't mean to step on your toes about Vernon. But Kelly seems keen on this because it might implicate Ava."
"You mean people might think that since she brought him to the dance, she had a hand in his murder?" Rex wondered.
I nodded. "I hope no one thinks so, but I wouldn't want that to impact her chances in the next election."
Roger watched us talk with a gleam of fascination in his eyes. "No one ever discusses things like this back home! First I find out Better Homes and Gardens is here. Now I'm in the middle of a real murder mystery!" He pulled out his phone and began tapping. "I'm going to tell Edgar! John Stamos's fifth cousin many times removed doesn't beat all this!"
I had to admit he was right. It really didn't.