"We're ready," Inez said. "We'll go first."
Lauren, probably due to her being junior zookeeper and therefore outranking Ava in this, stood up. "We have a few ideas. Inez and I thought about doing some normal fundraisers, like car washes, bake sales, and dog walking. Ava wants to make a city mandate that the city council just forks over the other half of the money. And Betty wants to run something called a Ponzi scheme."
"Nope," I said.
Betty sighed. "I've been reading about these things. I figure we have some sort of project that people put money toward, thinking they're getting. We take that money and put it toward the zoo, then say oops, it was a bad investment, and there you go. No one's the wiser."
"We are not running a Ponzi scheme!" Kelly warned.
"Dude!" Betty argued. "It's a scam as old as you guys! There was once this guy in Scotland who got people to turn over their life savings to become citizens of a country that didn't even exist! People even went there! And when the country wasn't there and the king of the place it belonged to told them to get bent, they had to leave and come back to Scotland. The Ponzi dude just went to France and started all over again. People actually fell for it!"
I knew this story. Sir Gregor McGregor claimed to be a Cazique for the nation of Poyais, which was actually a swampy area in Central America known as the Mosquito Coast. Hundreds of people from all backgrounds jumped at the chance to buy land and rights in what they believed to be an existing city state. When the first ship actually arrived to find an undeveloped swamp—well, you can guess the rest.
The CIA had always liked this story, and for decades a small unit toyed with a way to make the plan workable to fit their needs. But it, like so many other rejected ideas, was eventually stamped undoable and abandoned. Unlike the ideas where they would invent a nuclear gun, or replace Fidel Castro's shampoo with hair remover, which they seemed to think were totally fine.
One of the Kaitlyns stood up. "We now know you can't check out the animals like a library. But our fundraiser idea is that people could rent them." She sat back down. Apparently, this was the entire explanation.
"That's an even better idea than dog walking!" Lauren cried out.
"Think of the potential!" Ava added. "I could have kangaroos as bodyguards! Norman is built!"
"We could use the crocodile and bears in the booby traps at city hall to discourage kidnapping attempts," Betty mused.
Lauren raised her hand. "I vote that we ignore our ideas…"
"Except for the Ponzi scheme," Betty added.
"Except for that," Lauren agreed. "And just go with the Kaitlyns' idea!"
"Guys." Kelly attempted to regain control. "The animals stay at the zoo for their own protection. I think they have a zoo ambassadors program where the zookeepers take certain, tame animals out in the community for educational purposes."
"How is that different than what we suggested?" Inez asked.
"It's completely different," I chimed in, hoping to sound responsible. "Those animals are more tame than others, but they are still handled by professionals at all times."
Every head swiveled to Lauren.
"But we have our own professional," Ava remarked.
"A sixth-grade girl isn't the same as an adult with a master's degree in zoology," Kelly said. "We need to take this seriously."
"Right, then it's back to the Ponzi scheme," Betty said. "I was thinking we could create our own fake country, somewhere mysterious, and sell people land, like Sir Gregor McGregor did."
"Then someday we could do a Thinking Day booth on the country we'd invented!" Inez said excitedly.
"No Ponzi schemes," I insisted. "Look, that one didn't end well because McGregor went to jail. And that was in the early 1800s. Today with the internet, it would be impossible to pull something like that off."
Kelly looked at me. "That's your argument for not doing it? That the internet would make it difficult?"
"Well, that and the fact that it's a bad idea in general," I grudgingly said. "Look, dog walking and bake sales are great ideas, but you guys did a haunted house that brought in a small fortune. Let's come up with more ideas like that."
"I think it's still a good idea," Betty groused. "Look how many people believe in conspiracy theories. We made a lot of money when I wrote them."
Betty was referring to the short period of time when we'd had a group camping outside of town who had borderline beliefs in things like Lizard People and Big Foot. Betty had made money selling conspiracy theories for fifty dollars a pop and brought in a tidy profit until Kelly and I made her stop. She still hasn't forgiven us.
"And when those people went to that country that didn't exist, instead of immediately realizing their mistake, they just thought they'd landed somewhere else by mistake," Betty explained. "And sent a guy to look for the real place. Even when faced with the truth, they doubled down. And that is our target market."
"Wow," I said. "I mean, they really did their research." I nudged Kelly again. "They are taking initiative. And that's a good thing."
Kelly gave me a warning look, and I turned back to the girls. "But defrauding people is wrong!"
I left out the part that as a spy, I misled and defrauded people all the time. Of course, they were enemies of the United States, which seemed more important at the time.
"We did that stuff all the time for the CIA." Hilly spoke directly to me. "Right? The good old days!"
Betty narrowed her eyes. "If you did it for the government, why can't we do it for the zoo?"
"Both are worthy causes," Inez added.
Ava cleared her throat. "The country is called Ava Land, and I'm the president, of course."
I guess we weren't going to finish talking about this anytime soon. When the girls were on a creative roll, nothing stopped them.
"Why not just be queen?" I snickered.
Ava looked at me like I was an idiot. "Because we don't believe in monarchy."
"You're joking," I countered. "You guys have named almost every animal you've come into contact with Princess Something or Other."
This time Inez answered. "Betty says monarchies cause rebellions. Which she really likes but feels should be unnecessary."
"So where is this country? You realize that unlike in Sir Gregor McGregor's time, the planet is completely explored," I reminded them.
"That's right," two of the Kaitlyns said. "Except for uncharted islands."
The other Kaitlyns added, "There are thousands of them left in the world. We'll just make up an imaginary one."
In a way, that made sense. "Okay, fine. But also in McGregor's time, it took months for the first settlers to get there, giving him time to avoid prison. Travel is faster these days."
Lauren spoke up. "We've thought of that. But there are islands in the South Pacific that can take days to get to, with planes changing at tiny airports where delays happen."
Betty nodded. "They're susceptible to bribes. We can make sure that there are plane malfunctions and stuff that delay travel."
"And we're only opening this to people in Bladdersly," Ava added. "They're unlikely to ever go there, and if they do, we won't feel so bad about fooling them."
"Can I be the head of the secret police?" Hilly asked.
"Sure," Ava said with a shrug.
Hilly tapped her chin. "I'll need to put in for retirement. Which shouldn't be hard because Marilyn in HR said she prayed for that day—whatever that means. I'll need a new wardrobe for hot, humid weather…"
"Hilly," I interrupted her. "This isn't a real place. The girls will be selling a fantasy."
Hilly stared at me. "Why can't we make it real?"
"Hey!" Something occurred to me. "How did you all make this up, on the spot, without discussing it beforehand?"
The girls didn't reply. Which is when I realized they'd been talking about this idea for a while now. My troop was so smart!
"Because," Inez responded to Hilly's question. "We don't want to be stuck on an island with a bunch of idiots from Bladdersly."
"How are you going to sell it?" I asked. "McGregor had a book written all about the place, listing all the resources, like gold and mahogany trees, and extremely fertile soil. He even made up the city of St. Joseph, as if it were a beautiful and progressive place."
Betty handed me a guidebook that looked like it had been professionally printed by a New York publisher.
"Your Guide to Paradise in Ava Land," I read.
Flipping through the pages, I was surprised by the beautiful photographs and descriptions of the climate (listed as perfect year-round), infrastructure (with high speed Wi-Fi and drone delivery from Amazon), the lack of any dangerous animals or bugs, and the promise of lots of cute, fluffy bunnies.
"Where did you get these photos?" Kelly looked over my shoulder.
"We got exclusive rights for those from various stock photo sites," Inez said. "That way our gullible victims…"
"Ahem," Betty said, clearing her throat. "Paying investors."
"Oh right. That way our paying investors won't see them somewhere else."
"Why bunnies?" I asked. "Are they really native to tropical islands?"
The girls turned to Lauren, who explained. "Not really. Unless they were introduced by Europeans. But rabbits like warm weather and are known for loving beaches."
"And everyone likes bunnies," Ava added.
A page in the book caught my eye. "You've created currency?'
The Kaitlyn had four denominations, in five, ten, twenty, and fifty-dollar-type increments. On each one was a pen and ink drawing of one of the Kaitlyns. Each one was brightly colored, and on the back were different animals, including a bunny, a unicorn, a pelican, and Mr. Fancy Pants.
"We'd prefer a cashless situation, but we need something for people to buy in advance," Betty explained.
"Right. While this is impressive…" Kelly took the book from me and held it up. "You can't run a Ponzi scheme."
"It's illegal." I had to chime in here for Kelly's sake, even though I was seriously impressed with what the girls had done. "You would go to juvie."
The girls frowned.
"You're no fun anymore," Betty said.
"I am too fun!" I retorted. "But fun stops where a real prison sentence begins."
Betty held up one finger. "Only if we get caught."
"All right." I tried another argument. "Think of the scandal it could cause for Ava as the mayor."
By the looks on their faces, the girls clearly hadn't thought of that. That disappointed me a little. But then, they were only thirteen. What they had done was impressive for that age.
I just wasn't going to tell them that.