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Before I left for work on Thursday morning, I put a piece of brisket in the slow cooker, along with some potatoes and carrots, so that there’d be a warm welcome home dinner for Lili by the time she returned.
We drove up to Friar Lake, where I met with Joey Capodilupo, answered emails, and filled out a lot of college forms relating to the agreement to rent out our facilities to the group represented by Professor Backus.
I took Rochester out for a walk around Friar Lake when I was finished. I missed Lili, and it was hard to remember how I’d functioned as a single man. Well, I hadn’t done all that well, at least not until Rochester had come into my life and given me his unconditional love, as well as the need to feed, groom, walk and play with him.
Back when I was married, I’d relished Mary’s occasional business trips for the chance to be on my own, and it was always a bit of a letdown when she returned home. Guess that should have told me something. We left for the airport soon after that, and once again I blasted Springsteen through the Bluetooth connection to my phone. Let Bruce wash all my cares away.
As I neared the airport I saw a skinny black shirtless guy, his torso covered with tattoos, walking along the verge waving at passing cars. Another homeless guy like Joel Goldberg? Or just a free spirit?
I expected Lili to be happy to be home and away from her mother’s demands, but she didn’t look all that pleased when she got into the car. Of course she leaned over and kissed my cheek, and scratched behind Rochester’s ears, but I could tell there was something wrong.
It’s the eternal conundrum between couples. Do you poke and prod for the source of the pain, risking an explosion? Or wait for your significant other to open up, with the possibility that she’ll think you uncaring because you didn’t ask?
Fortunately, Rochester helped me out. From the back seat, he kept woofing and leaning forward to sniff Lili until finally her bad mood evaporated. Good dog.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” she said eventually, as we sped up the highway toward home. “My mother needs more than I can give.”
Another one of those booby-trapped comments, and I had to tread carefully. I remembered the rabbi’s commentary about the first fruits of the harvest offered at the Temple, the idea that you gave back to the one who had given you life – either God, or your mother.
“You love her,” I said. “The most important thing you can do is let her know that.”
“But who’s going to help her out when she goes back to her apartment?” Lili asked. “We can hire an aide, but how can I be sure that person can be trusted to take care of her? What happens when she falls again? Is it fair to shift all the burden to Fedi and Sara? She took care of both of us for years, decades even. Don’t I owe her that same duty?”
“Duty’s a heavy word,” I said. “In the end, what’s our duty to each other? You know my favorite definition of Judaism.”
“The one from Rabbi Hillel?”
“Exactly.” Rabbi Hillel, one of the early Jewish sages, had been challenged to state the essence of Judaism while standing on one food. He had said, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
“And what does that have to do with my mother?” Lili demanded.
“That you love her as you love yourself. You recognize that she has good and bad points, just like each of us does. And that your love for her has to be equal to your love for yourself. You don’t owe it to her to turn your whole life upside down to take care of her—just to make sure that she’s safe, and well-cared for, that she has a roof over her head, food in her belly, and that she knows you love her.”
“You’ve been hanging around with that rabbi,” Lili said, but she smiled. “That sounds like a very Talmudic observation.”
“And a selfish one,” I admitted. “I love you and I only want the best for you. I don’t want you to be torn up over what happens to your mother, just to be happy that you’ve done all you can.”
“But is this all? Occasional visits, telephone support? She gave me and Fedi a home, after all. Shouldn’t I do the same for her?”
“She already has a home,” I said gently. “You told me yourself, she loves her apartment and she doesn’t want to move out of it. You were infants, and then kids, and you couldn’t fend for yourselves, so she had to take care of you. Now you’ve got this balancing act to handle, letting her do as much as she can for herself, and then picking up the slack between you and your brother.”
“Sounds good in theory,” she said. Then she turned toward the window and we didn’t speak again for the rest of the trip.
The brisket was tender by the time we got home, the aroma filling the house with warmth and welcome. I threw a loaf of frozen garlic bread into the microwave, opened a bottle of wine, and we sat in the kitchen and ate in a companionable silence. I had missed Lili while she was gone, and I was glad to have her home. I told her so, and she said she was happy to be back home, too, even if it meant she had left things hanging in Florida.
We were relaxing on the sofa, our feet entwined as we read, when Lili asked, “Did Rick propose to Tamsen yet?”
“Don’t know. The only thing we’ve been talking about is murder.”
“Do you think Rick is stalling?”
For a moment I thought she was talking about the investigations into the two murders. Then I realized she wondered about his proposal to Tamsen.
“He’s got a lot on his plate right now,” I said. “Lots of petty crimes in town, and this murder, too. If I were him, I’d want to wait until I could give Tamsen my full attention.”
“I just hope he doesn’t wait too long.”
I turned to look at her. “Why? You think Tamsen might get impatient and break up with him?”
“I’m sure I’m just projecting. But both Philip and Adriano proposed to me on the spur of the moment, and both times I accepted without thinking too much. If we’d waited, I might have seen the warning signs and never agreed to get married.”
“Rick sends off warning signs?”
She pushed at my side. “Don’t go interpreting too much. Both of them have baggage, and if something big comes up before they’re committed, who knows what might happen. Suppose Justin gets sick, or Tamsen does. Or Rick gets hurt on the job. Or that crazy ex-wife of his comes back to mess up his life again.”
I slid onto my side so I was facing her. “We’re good, though, aren’t we?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m here for you whatever happens with your mother,” I said. “In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, all that stuff. We don’t need a ceremony or legal paperwork to confirm that, right?”
She leaned in and kissed me. “I love you, Steve Levitan. Things feel different with you from what I felt with Philip or Adriano. Like we’re in this for the long haul. So yes, I agree with you, we’re good, and we don’t need anyone else to confirm that.”
We kissed again, and then Rochester scrambled up between us, eager to get in on the love fest. We laughed and pushed him away, and then got busy demonstrating that commitment we felt.
