Jenefer

We decide to visit the camel farm, but we go to Caleb’s house on the way. Must admit I’m nervous — what if they don’t like me? There isn’t just his mum, like I thought. His widowed aunt and her five kids live there too. ‘No point just Mum and me in a big house,’ he’d said. No wonder he’s good with Hamilton.

As soon as I walk in, his mum’s there, smiling. She’s so sweet. I can see this shy, creative person who just wants to shed goodwill. It’s amazing after what she’s been through. Though from everything Caleb had said about her, I didn’t expect anything else. Kids walk in and out, getting drinks, smiling. It could have been a perfect visit except for Chloe, his cousin. It was when we went into the lounge. She was already there, watching the TV with her arm round a little girl Kate’s age, and when she turned to see us I must have looked as if I’d seen a ghost. She was the same girl I noticed at the dinner dance — the one I caught looking at me as though she could kill me.

She’s a bit younger than me, and the look on her face still says more than hurtful words could say. She makes me feel I have no right to be going out with Caleb at all. Like I was stealing someone’s only lamb when I have a flock of sheep of my own. It affects me even more than the trip to town last week. I guess because Caleb’s family matters more. What if she puts him off me?

I mention it on the way to the camel farm. ‘It’s not you personally, Jenefer. She’ll get over it when she knows you as well as I do.’ I wish I could say the same for my friends. At least Steffi and Dad don’t mind me going places with him.

‘You seemed to know what I was like straight away.’ Or thought he did.

He grins. ‘But I’m a guy.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

He ducks from imaginary blows. ‘Okay. I won’t get into that one.’ Then he sobers up. ‘Seriously, Jenefer, it can be hard for some. Your mob kicked us off our land, took away what we believed in and left us with nothing.’

‘But that wasn’t me.’ Suddenly I’m annoyed and I remember Alicia Tilbrook in History during the week. We shouldn’t have to say sorry at all, she said. I didn’t do it. Did you? And she looked so angelic as she said it too. At the time I attacked head on; her words sounded so hollow. She had no idea what ‘it’ was and I told her. They only want our land, was her next startling statement. No matter that Ms East tried to explain that certain land rules were in place. I couldn’t believe Alicia would say it aloud. Whose land was it in the first place, for heaven’s sake? Was there a treaty signed that passed it all over? Imagine if Caleb did History and he was there. Doubt if even that would bother Alicia; it’s like she doesn’t think he has feelings. Tim calls her Ku Klux Alice. What is the answer to someone like Alicia? No one seems to know, not even the government, it seems. The truly horrifying thought is I had no idea about it either three months ago, and now Chloe looks at me the exact same way I think about Alicia Tilbrook. The way that makes you wonder if there is such a thing as being part of a community and being held responsible for what it did.

‘Chloe’s young yet,’ Caleb says. ‘She’s just trying to hang onto who she is. She’ll learn to let go of the anger in time.’

His mother’s learnt to forgive, he said once. Is it something that you learn? Forgiving, letting go of anger? And what about him? Has he learnt? Suddenly I can’t think straight. This is it, then. He really thinks all this too, doesn’t he? Like Chloe. Why is he spending time with me? I’m not stupid, I know he likes me. But why? Just attraction? Deep down, will he hate me in the end?

‘So what about you? You feel like that too? It’s the way you were brought up.’ I want to say more. I should just ask him to take me home. How could this have worked? We’re too different. Even his own people think so.

Then he says no.

‘No what?’ I don’t care I sound bitchy. This is most probably the last I’ll see of him anyway.

‘I wasn’t brought up like Chloe. After the Salvation Army found Mum she believed all that too. She still tells the old stories through her art, goes to schools, but she doesn’t have that bitterness Auntie Bet has.’ He turns to me. ‘Mum is a hell of a lot easier to live with than Auntie Bet. Hating immigrant Australians for what happened isn’t going to solve anything.’

I can’t stop myself in time. ‘So you go out with one? To prove you don’t hate us? You’re doing your bit. Is that it?’ I don’t believe I’m saying this. I’m destroying something I want to keep, but it’s like a fire in the bush that jump-starts nearby trees without my meaning it to. Soon everything will be burnt.

Caleb’s pulled over, switches the engine off. He turns me to face him. His hand is on my arm; I can feel it shaking. He’s saying ‘no’ but I can hardly see him for the smoke of what I’m doing. ‘Jenefer. Jen.’ It’s starting to clear. I was just upset. Was I jealous? She lives with him. Can cousins feel for each other like I feel for Caleb? It’s not until later when Caleb explains about moieties, the complex clan laws of who everyone can marry, that I understand; he couldn’t have a relationship with Chloe even if he wanted to.

‘It was only you, Jenefer. I wasn’t thinking of anything else. I just liked you.’ Why is he bothering to be so kind after what I almost did? How fragile feelings are. And I wonder how strong they can be too. ‘I’m sorry.’ My eyes are wet and he holds me close to him. He’s warm; I can feel his heart running, chasing something that was getting away; catching up.

‘I don’t want to lose you, Jen. We are just two people who like each other. I never wanted it to get complicated.’

‘Me neither.’ I look up and then he’s kissing me. It’s different from before — I feel like the box when he helped me open it, caressing it, finding out its secrets before it gives them up — and I never want it to stop, never. But we’d better. An image of Steffi with a fiery crucifix in her hand as I come home pregnant flashes into my mind and won’t budge. Steffi may not be my real mum but she’s sure imparted all her Catholic morals. I had no idea that when the crunch came they’d actually work. Bummer. Bet I’m the last virgin in Year 12. Even Erin does it with Tim. Though she only does because he wants to. I’d rather have a guy who cares about me, not one who can’t wait to do it.

‘We’d better stop.’ We’re not sitting anymore and Caleb’s suddenly still, leaning his chin down on my shoulder.

‘Yeah, you’re right.’ His voice sounds husky and he gives this shuddering sigh and I wonder if he understands. Salvation Army, he’d said. It’s possible he’s been told all the same stuff.

‘It’s just that —’ I wonder if I should say what I’m thinking or just blame the handbrake poking into my back, but he puts a finger on my mouth. ‘It’s cool.’ And suddenly I realise what it was I liked about him that first day of school.

ZennaFlourish2.ai

We think it’s best to pick up Kate and Hamilton and take them out to the camel farm with us. Besides, Hamilton’s been asking for ages. The farm is incredible — Shetland ponies, miniature horses, donkeys, and of course, the camels. There is this huge bull camel called Horace, sitting in the paddock near the home run.

‘You can pat him,’ Caleb says with a grin. I’m not sure if he’s joking or not. ‘Just grab hold of his nose rope and he’ll do whatever you want.’

It’s Hamilton who walks up to Horace. Kate and I watch, we’re not all that scared — I just hope Hamilton and Caleb don’t notice we’re not still with them. Imagine the teasing. Horace hasn’t bitten Hamilton yet, or spat, or stamped on him, so I venture closer, a little shadow half a step behind me. Fortunately I’m right there when Caleb turns around. I can’t say I’ve ever been into camels, but Horace doesn’t look bad close up. There’s a little cute one, running around its mother. They all seem pleased to see Caleb.

‘What do you do, when you come?’ They don’t look as if they’d need brushing like horses.

‘Feed them, ride a few. Especially if there are races coming up. Clean out the shed. Take some out bush. When all that’s done I mend fences.’

‘Fences?’

He points at the camels in the paddock. ‘See that big bull? That’s Josh. A coupla weeks ago he charged right through the fence. My job to fix it. The sheik’s getting old now. I’m his right-hand man. Might go with him up north when the races are on up there.’

I’m quiet, thinking about Caleb being away and wonder how Mr Wilson will cope with one of his players missing. Kate’s trying to get a pony to come to her. It won’t budge but she doesn’t seem to mind — being out here where it’s so wide and open puts her in a good mood. She’s not annoyed there’s mud on her sneakers and she’s even smiling at Hamilton scratching Horace’s nose. This must be when she gets the idea of joining the town pony club. Then I glance back at Caleb; he’s watching Kate too. He looks fluid, as though he’s been poured out onto the paddock and will grow here, bending with every breeze. Then he turns; sees me watching him and gives me one of his widest grins. I catch my breath at the beauty of it. And I know why he likes this job.

When I’m home I check my email and messages.

I’m researching nineteenth century opera or theatre in Cornwall with particular reference to a Miss Zenna Dare and/or Gweniver Rundle. Do you know of any resources that I may be able to find here in Australia?

I’m very sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you sooner. My server has been down. I don’t know much about Zenna Dare, except that she was a mysterious singer in the nineteenth century; mysterious because no one knew of her background and little is known even today. She sang in London for Queen Victoria, began a sensational but short career and suddenly disappeared. Her identity has been carefully guarded. Most singers and actresses were quite free with their real names and these, along with their stage aliases, can be found on the web, but not Zenna Dare’s. It may have been her real name, of course.

Hope this still helps

Her real name? I hope not, for if it is my phantom tune will never be played.