Stop Comparing Yourself to Others: The Beyoncé Factor
If someone you know (or follow on social media) is nailing all the goals you have on your own Life Checklist, you’re probably wondering, How are they doing it?
My job gives me the wonderful advantage of peeking into the private financial lives of ordinary people on a daily basis. I see the real money and what’s going on behind the scenes. I know exactly how they’re doing it—and often the reality is that what you see is far from their financial truth.
Knowing the intimate financial details of thousands of people both older and younger than me is the main reason why I don’t operate under the Inadequacy Influence as often as I used to. I don’t feel as broke as some of my peers because I actively try not to compare myself to them. But most people don’t have the luxury of this knowledge about their peers, because we don’t talk about money. All we know is what our friends and family tell us or the boxes we see them ticking off on their Life Checklists—the clothes they wear, the cars they drive, the vacations they post on social media.
Swanky Dinner Out
(photo on social media)
Photo Caption: “We fancy—fab dinner with the BFFs!”
The Pressure: “I do fun things and I have my financial sh*t together.”
The Hidden Reality: “I’m living from paycheque to paycheque.”
(discussion at a dinner party)
Statement: “The new floors are in. So glad the reno is finally over!”
The Pressure: “My house is beautiful and we have our financial sh*t together.”
The Hidden Reality: “We’ve maxed out our $150,000 home equity line of credit.”
The Fab Vacation
(photo on social media)
Photo Caption: “Off to the beach. See ya later, snow!”
The Pressure: “I live an exciting life and I have my financial sh*t together.”
The Hidden Reality: “I had no work lined up for January. This whole thing is chilling on a credit card.”
That’s why I started a project called “Real Selfies” a few years ago. I wanted to do something to remind people that we cannot compare our financial lives to those of friends and family. Why? Because comparison can make us feel inadequate, and you never actually know what’s going on behind the scenes.
As part of the project, whenever I did something noteworthy, I’d post a photo and then I’d come clean about the bill. One of my favourites was the classic “passport at the airport” shot, a popular photo setup when someone is about to fly somewhere. Usually there’s a drink and a passport plus some text about where that person is flying to. For me, the Real Selfie photo had a glass of wine and my passport with the comment “Heading out for vacay” underneath. Beside it I posted the reality: “$341 for flight to Florida. This Shiz Costs Money.”
The project really resonated with people. I wasn’t surprised, because every photograph highlighted the fact that we don’t talk much (if at all) about how we’re managing financially. The Real Selfies project reminded people that they don’t know the answers to that nagging question “How are they doing it?” Maybe the folks ticking all the boxes have debt. Maybe they got help. Or maybe they just spent money on different things. Either way, the Real Selfies project allowed people to say Maybe I’m not bad with money after all. Maybe I’m not falling behind.
I know that a lot of people like to blame lifestyle shows, bloggers and the ever-present celebrity culture for the pressure to live “Pinterest perfect” lives that are completely unattainable and unrealistic. While I definitely believe that all these factors contribute to ratcheting up the cost of the expectations on someone’s Life Checklist, here’s the thing to remember: Keeping up isn’t about matching the lifestyles of the rich and famous. It’s not about yachting or diamonds or ponies. It’s about keeping up with the people you watch daily, the people in your community, both online and in person. Remember, your Life Checklist revolves around the social norms and expectations of your peers, not celebrities.
At our last meeting my client Andrew said, “My co-worker goes on these epic trips. I mean, they must cost thousands a year. She also just bought a townhouse. I don’t get it. How is she affording it? We have the same job and I think we make around the same amount a year, but I can barely save $5,000 for retirement each year. What am I doing wrong?”
I said to him, “Don’t believe everything you see. No one posts a photo of their credit card bill after the vacation, just the good stuff.”
He looked doubtful. “I guess so.”
“You should ask her how she affords it.”
“I can’t do that,” he insisted. “It’s rude!”
“There’s no way of knowing whether or not you should be comparing yourself financially to her until you know if the playing field is level.”
“What do you mean?”
“If Beyoncé bought a yacht, would you feel bad about not owning one?”
He laughed. “Of course not.”
“Why?”
“Because Beyoncé is a mega-millionaire. She’s in an entirely different financial sphere from me.”
“Exactly. You think that you and your co-worker are in the same financial sphere because you have the same job. But you don’t know what she makes or whether she has debt or had family help for the townhouse. For all you know she’s swimming in debt, or her rich great-uncle passed away and she inherited a million dollars. Because you don’t know what her financial life looks like, she may as well be Beyoncé. Unless you’re 100 percent certain that your finances are exactly the same as hers, she’s not someone you should compare yourself to.”
And that is the Beyoncé Factor. Beyoncé buying a yacht doesn’t make Andrew feel like he’s financially inadequate or falling behind with his Life Checklist, because Beyoncé isn’t in his financial sphere. Until you know without a doubt that the people you compare yourselves to are in your financial sphere, you should simply assume that they may as well be Beyoncé and you cannot compare yourself to them. That is how you shut down the Inadequacy Influence.
Andrew did ask his co-worker how she was pulling off the trips and the townhouse. He learned that she wasn’t pulling it off at all. In fact, she confessed that she had struggled a lot when she first bought the townhouse, because it was really expensive (no rich great-uncle). To make life easier she got a roommate, giving her an additional $1,000 a month. She put $600 of that towards the mortgage and the other $400 went into an extravagant trip fund.
“She told me that if she had to, she’d keep renting that room for the rest of her life, because she liked being able to treat herself to an epic trip every year.”
“How do you feel, now that you know the truth?” I asked.
“Relieved. You’re right, she’s Beyoncé. I can’t compare myself to her. I don’t want a roommate, so I don’t have an extra $400 a month to save for trips. Totally different financial sphere.”
“Exactly.”
But here’s the thing: Before asking the awkward question, Andrew saw only the beautiful photos from Portugal or Iceland and heard the amazing stories at the lunch table. He assumed that he and his co-worker were in the same financial sphere, yet he couldn’t afford either a townhouse or exotic travel and felt like he must be doing something wrong, as if he were somehow bad with money. Lack of knowledge made him feel financially inadequate when in reality his co-worker was a Beyoncé. The truth had set him free.
If you’re comparing yourself to someone who makes you feel financially inadequate or makes you feel broke, you need to turn that feeling around. How? Just ask yourself two questions:
The Beyoncé Factor Check-In
1. Do you know the intimate, numerical financial details of this person’s life and how they accomplished their goal(s)?
No? Don’t compare yourself to them. They may as well be Beyoncé.
Yes? Go to Question 2.
2. Are you in the exact same financial situation as them? (Include income, debt, assets and potential gifts or inheritances.)
Yes? Okay, compare yourself to this person. Find out what they are doing differently. Maybe they have tips that can help you move forwards.
No? Don’t compare yourself to them. Again, they may as well be Beyoncé.
It’s just that simple.
See Ya Never, Inadequacy
I wish I could promise you that, once you reduce social media usage and stop comparing yourself to others, your finances will fall magically into place. But I’m all about keeping it real. Your lifestyle expectations (and Checklist) will shift over time, as will your goals and financial constraints, which means you’ll constantly need to keep the Inadequacy Influence in check.
The good news is that now you not only know how the Inadequacy Influence arises and when it might rear its very ugly head, you’re also equipped with the tools to say I’m feeling bad about my finances right now because I’m comparing myself to someone else. If that happens, do the Beyoncé Factor Check-In and see how you feel afterward.
Recognizing your personal Inadequacy Influences—your triggers, your Joneses and the boxes on your Life Checklist that refuse to be ignored—will help you keep them in check so you can stop feeling broke and avoid those destructive F*ck-It Moments. Once you know how to stop feeling broke, you will be ushering a new era of financial happiness into your life. One that will work. One that will not fail, because you won’t want to give up before it even begins.
This is how you get control of your finances and keep them on track. This is how you win.