“Your sister?” I asked.
“You told us you had a sister and that she’s an Artemis?” Carrie asked, stunned. “Way to betray your family, Nance.”
“Bark!” Cujo said, and I swore the dog sounded disappointed in her.
“What?” Nancy asked.
“What if we were psycho killers or something?” Carrie said, making the entire conversation even more surreal. “You barely know us!”
“Stop, please,” I said, dryly, making a time out gesture. There was only so much silly I could take in a single night. I was also running on adrenaline, resurrection magic, and no sleep. “Thank you for sharing this, Nancy.”
“I swear, bro, you are the most downbeat slasher I have ever met,” Carrie said. “I mean, what’s the point of being an immortal spree killer if you can’t enjoy life?”
Nancy looked about ready to crack up, in the good way. “Oh God, you are the most entertaining people I have ever met in my life. How the hell did you get to be so funny?”
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die,” I said. “Mel Brooks. I used to love his movies before the asylum.”
“He created Frankenstein, right?” Carrie asked.
“Yes, Carrie, yes he did,” I said, knowing the truth but too amused to dissuade her. Besides, if we kept following up every tangent then it would be three o’clock without us making any of our preparations. Thankfully, we still had about twelve hours on that end.
“Ah,” Carrie said. “Funny guy.”
“So, Artemises are real,” I said, trying to figure out where in the conversation I should try to jump back in. After all, we were right in front of a mummified vampire and just discovered our friend (?) was lying to us. “You come from an entire family of them.”
“Yeah, bro, they are,” Carrie said. “They’re also separate from slashers since I’m pretty sure I’m a girl and a slasher. At least last time I checked.”
“My grandmother called us Cerridwens actually,” Nancy said. “Cerridwen’s the—”
“Celtic goddess of the moon,” I interrupted, once again displaying the benefits of H.P. Lovecraft Memorial Hospital’s library. I didn’t know as much about Celtic mythology as Greek but I knew enough to identify the name. “Yes. She’s also a goddess of wisdom and the Underworld.”
“Warrior women associated with the moon, blood, murder, and magic,” Nancy said. “Doesn’t matter which culture really.”
“That sounds incredibly sexist,” Carrie said. “So are you powered by virgin power? Because we can get around that. I mean, you’ve said you’re not, but we’ve already established you’re a lying liar who lies. It’s also possible you could be a technical virgin. Hey, no judgement. Maybe it doesn’t count if it goes somewhere other than the sweet spot or if you use protection. You have to be precise about these things.”
“Oh dear God,” I said, covering my face with one hand.
“You wouldn’t understand!” Carrie explained, once more embarrassing the hell out of me. “Most people don’t understand how people like you get out of bed in the morning, bro. It’s sex, death, and taxes for the rest of us. But it’s okay, two out of three ain’t bad.”
“As far as I know, virgin power is a myth,” Nancy said, visibly forcing down laughter. “That just seems to be a myth like William thought. I mean, we wouldn’t last very long as a group if we couldn’t procreate.”
“That’s how the Shakers died out,” Carrie said. “It turns out a celibate community has its downside. See, I know history too! Sexual and religious history in one no less!”
You said slashers and Artemises are one in the same once, I tried to contact the Spirit of the Hunt. How does this fit in with that?
I’ll share this one fact with you, William, but know it will come with a cost. You will be required to repay it someday, perhaps soon, perhaps in a thousand years from now, the Spirit of the Hunt said. Long ago, humankind was hunted by beings far nastier than itself. Monsters walked the land openly and took whoever they wanted rather than seizing those who wandered too far from the herd. Humanity cried out for champions to protect them and made bloody sacrifices to whatever gods would listen. The result was getting their wish granted in the most horrible way possible. The Nephilim were born from congress with terrible things. Beings both mortal and immortal who would hunt the monsters with a violence equal to their most ferocious species. The Artemises were one of the few bloodlines uncorrupted after millennia of killing.
What corrupted the others? I asked, stunned at this bit of information. Why did slashers start hunting their fellow humans?
I have not the slightest idea, the Spirit of the Hunt said.
I opened my mouth, ready to speak aloud, then closed it. You don’t know?
I said I was a god, I never said I was omniscient, the Spirit of the Hunt said. I can’t pay attention to all my children simultaneously. If I had to guess, I’d say that it was the allure of power as it usually is with men. In the ancient days, killers like you were revered even if you were a bunch of homicidal sociopaths. Gilgamesh was punished by the gods for kidnapping too many women for his harem, Herakles regularly murdered people in berserk frenzies, and the less said about Medea the better. It’s just a stereotype that the female Nephilim are gentler than the men. There are also still a few monster-hunting male slashers out there. You’ve even heard of them I bet.
She was right, I had. I’d even mentioned one as an example of slashers who hunted murderers. “Can you believe this?”
“Believe what?” Nancy asked, confused.
“Yeah, are you talking to us with your mind-thingy?” Carrie asked.
I said I would share the information with you, the Spirit of the Hunt said. You can share this bit of historical trivia with them, but I would claim an equal boon from them as I will claim from you.
Talk is cheap, I replied, noting I’d never actually agreed to her terms but unwilling to argue with her.
You’d be surprised, the Spirit of the Hunt said.
“Nothing,” I said, frowning. “Nothing pertinent.”
“Why haven’t we gone to rescue your sister yet?” Carrie asked, surprising me. “If my brother was held by vicious murderers, I’d already be burning down buildings to draw my enemies out.”
“We were held by vicious murderers,” I said, dryly. “The US government.”
I wasn’t filled with much patriotism after being raised by crazy people and then held prisoner for a decade without trial.
“Oh, then I’d be burning down buildings if I wasn’t on a wonderful combination of drugs,” Carrie said. “Also, free room and board. The torture was a small price to pay really. You know my first victim was there.”
“My mother raised Summer and I to keep a calm head about these things,” Nancy said, frowning. “William is right that we need a plan to attack this place. Honestly, I jumped in half-cocked to try to save Cassie and the others by volunteering. In retrospect, I may have just been trying to show my sister up.”
It was interesting getting an additional perspective into the events that night. Not only was Nancy trying to save her sorority sisters, which she was remarkably well equipped to do it turned out, but also be the big hero of the night. It wasn’t an entirely selfless deed, but I’d yet to meet someone who did anything out of pure altruism. People are complex creatures, I knew that more than anyone, and only a few are ever wholly good or evil. It made Nancy a bit more approachable in a way even as I wondered if we’d be able to save her only remaining family.
“Your sister is named Summer Loomis?” Carrie asked.
“Really? That’s what you’re concerned about?” I asked.
“It’s a weird name,” Carrie said. “Like something a dirty-dirty hippie would do.”
“No, she’s going by Summer Day,” Nancy said, as if the name was physically repellent rather than a sign she was born in California. “We had to pretend to not know each other. Really, it was the best part of our infiltration of the campus.”
I sensed some acrimony between Nancy and her sister. “I see. So, we have a potential ally who could be of exceptional aid during the jailbreak.”
“Or who will kill us the moment she sees us,” Carrie replied. “So exciting!”
Yeah, we were probably not going to receive as nice a reception from Summer as we’d received from her sister. I didn’t know Nancy all that well, but everything about her made me think she was inclined to give outsiders—which we were—the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t know how many other Artemises would be so inclined.
Nancy gave a shrug. “Yeah, probably. My sister was the reason Hawthorne University’s disappearances were cleared up. She took down the Arbor Day Killer, Elizabeth Bathory, and the Grandson of Sam.”
“You’re making at least one of those up,” Carrie said.
“I wish I was,” Nancy said. “The Arbor Day Killer used sheers and made lots of wood jokes. He was also sexually violent, which means making fun of him feels wrong.”
“On the contrary, I find that makes him even better to do so,” Carrie said. “I hope Summer chopped off his wood.”
“Timber,” Nancy said, smiling.
I shifted uncomfortably. “What about the other girls?”
“Women,” Nancy said. “We’re all graduates after all. They’re all capable people and survivors. There’s Cassie, who is our queen bee and an heiress. She’ll keep the others calm, I’m sure. The three Heathers will do whatever Cassie wants but all are Marines now. Summer, I’ve mentioned. Tina is dead and that’s a shame because you’d have liked her. Completely crazy. Shinobu qualified to join the FBI as a Special Agent. Then there’s Jenna who does women’s MMA despite complaints.”
“MMA will never catch on,” Carrie said. “Boxing is where it’s at.”
“So it’s a small army of horror movie heroines,” I said.
Nancy seemed to think about it. “Kinda, yeah. I mean, the three Heathers are more like the bitchy girls who would get murdered in one, but I think that’s because they hate that movie with Winona Ryder named after them. But if you have three Heathers in a sorority, you’re going to make that comparison.”
“I actually have never seen it,” I said.
“It’s a movie about murdering your obnoxious classmates,” Carrie said. “I predict it will age well.”
I had no idea if my sister was being sarcastic or not. “Well, let’s take care of this vampire.”
“You got it,” my sister said, walking over to vampire and ripping the stake out of his chest.
Both Nancy and I stared at her.
“I thought we were going to kill him,” Nancy said. “You guys are so confusing.”
“Well I want to see what he has to say first,” Carrie said, ignoring the renewed barking of Cujo at the vampire. Animals did not like the undead as a rule. She then opened the plastic tub of blood and poured it down his throat. “Open up wide.”
“Should we be stopping her?” Nancy asked.
“There’s no point,” I said, sighing. “Carrie does what Carrie wants. Just be ready for things to go south.”
“Arise, undead creature of the night!” Carrie shouted. “I compel you to arise and obey me!”
“Bark?” Cujo, I swear, asked.
Nothing happened.
“Well, that was anticlimactic,” Nancy said.
“Wait, he’s oozing!” Carrie said, pointing to the corpse.
I looked to where she was pointing and saw, yes, that the corpse had started to “sweat” for lack of a better term. A black substance was coming through the vampire’s skin and starting to make the body a good deal moister.
“Gross,” I said, not sure what else to say.
“This is a lot more dramatic in the movies,” Carrie said, disappointed. “At this rate it’ll take hours for him to regenerate.”
“Maybe that’s a good thing,” I said, sighing. “Usually, the vampires leap up and try to drain the nearest mortal.”
All of us looked over at the vampire.
“Nope, not happening yet,” Carrie said, reaching out and slapping the corpse. “Wake up.”
“Don’t taunt the vampire, Carrie,” I said.
“I’m not afraid,” Carrie said.
“No, I mean it’s just rude,” I said.
“I’ll get some more blood,” Carrie said. “Nancy, you want to help?”
“Not in the slightest,” Nancy said, taking a sip of a beer can she hadn’t possessed before.
“Where did you get that?” I asked, looking at her.
“It was down here,” Nancy said. “Over on that stack of boxes.”
“You’re just drinking random beers you find?” I asked.
“Yeah?” Nancy said. “Why not?”
“I think that’s a Billy Beer,” Carrie said, looking at the can. “Grandad used to drink those. I think they stopped making them in 1978.”
“Eh.” Nancy shrugged and continued drinking. “It’s beer.”
That was when the vampire’s head slightly turned to us, creaking as it did. Its blackened and gross mouth, now possessing the early stages of lips, spoke, “Blooooood.”
“Well, that’s just stereotypical of you to say,” Carrie said. “You can’t think of anything more original? Maybe your name?”
“We should check to see if he has a wallet,” Nancy suggested, throwing the empty beer can over her shoulder.
“We need to talk about your manners,” I said. “They’re hellacious.”
“If you stop your swearing,” Nancy said, giving a light burp. “Wow, that was terrible. Thank God for my superpowers including super-digestion.”
“What swearing? Hellacious?” I asked, genuinely confused.
“Yes,” Nancy said. “What’s wrong with heck?”
“I’m not five,” I said.
“Bloooooodd,” the vampire moaned. “Moooooore, please!”
“I guess his vocabulary is a bit limited,” Carrie said, rifling in the vampire’s pants pocket. “Still, I’ve got a few more tubs of blood upstairs.”
Cujo whimpered as if trying to tell us what a terrible idea this was.
“Well, if we’re not cutting off anyone’s head, I’m going to get some more sleep unless there’s something else I can do,” Nancy said, giving two thumbs up. “I want to be on my A game for when we rescue my sister.”
“You should prepare yourself for your sister having suffered terribly or possibly being dead,” I said, my voice dry. “It’s a worst-case scenario but we’re going into a very hazardous situation.”
“I should be so lucky,” Nancy said, looking guilty. “No, that’s not true. I love my sister. I’m just trying to keep a positive attitude. A positive attitude that we’ll save everyone and murder the hell out of the bad guys. Oh and I can lord it over her for the rest of her life.”
“Sounds like siblings alright,” I said.
“Hey!” Carrie said. “That’s a fact we keep to ourselves. No one else can know that siblings fight!”
That was when my head started pounding and I saw an image in my head of a group of six men approaching the house. They were armed with rifles, baseball bats, chains, and pistols. All of them were dressed in flannel and baseball caps. I saw them flashes of them murdering the previous owners of the building as well as beating down a man before dragging him behind a car to his death.
“You think they’re here?” One of them spoke.
“Yep, their car is,” Another said. “Idiots actually came here after they paid for the place.”
“I told you selling the place was a bad idea,” the original spoke.
“We needed the money to pay off the Irishman. Besides, these folks won’t last long,” one in the back said.
“Well, we need to get the vampire,” the original said. “The Fraternity will pay top dollar for the blood.”
My vision ended and I knew we were about to have guests. I grinned. “Did you feel that?”
Carrie nodded vigorously as Nancy looked confused.
“What’s going on?” Nancy asked.
“Lunch time!” Carrie said, cheerfully.
“Bark!”