AUDIO TRANSCRIPT OF CNN
BROADCAST ON (DATE CENSORED)

"I'm standing outside of the infamous Los Angeles county jail, better known to natives of the city as the 'Twin Towers.' For over a decade, the Twin Towers has been America's largest mental institution, but today it becomes something entirely different."

Footage showcases a dinosaur-like creature standing behind a lectern atop a makeshift stage. Members of the press surrounding the stage flash photography like strobe lights. To the animal's left stand the governor of California and the president of the United States.

"Hours ago, the governor of California and president of the United States announced plans to renovate what was previously a grim presence in downtown Los Angeles into a welcoming rehabilitation center for those with problems of all kinds. After only days under the supervision of scientists and government officials, the animal at the center of the mysterious Searchlight, Nevada, incident, now known as 'Belial,' has been moved into a different type of government custody. Belial's now iconic speech "God is us, God bless America" has propelled him into the hearts and homes of almost every home in America."

BELIAL: "My fellow Americans, it is under the wise counsel of your commander in chief, as well as the powers that be, that we have decided to make the Twin Towers correctional facility the epicenter of our fight against the old way of doing things. My friends, we have discarded ourselves! Deceived by archaic superstition. I am here to proclaim the truth of the God in each of us. I hereby instigate a quarrel with the outdated and evil. I antagonize all that prevents us from living our lives to the fullest. My friends, it is my desire that we may realize ourselves as discarded, thrown away, trash. Only then can we begin to clean up the mess we have made. It is my great privilege to herald the transformation of the Twin Towers into the 'Trash Of God,' A home for all those who wish to take on the devil of selflessness and find the true joy of self. Therefore if any man or woman be in himself or herself, they are a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things will become new!"

REPORTER: "It is unclear at this time what exactly will become of the current inmates here at the Twin Towers, but early reports suggest prisoners will be transferred to the California State Prison in Lancaster, roughly seventy miles from here. Further details as to what exactly the Trash Of God center is all about will be announced later this week.

Footage of the members of the press cheering as Belial waves, giant toothy smile on his long face. He shakes the president's hand and cranes his long neck down so that the president can speak in his ear.