Landis, Jonathan
JOURNAL ENTRY 09

The medical ward has several restricted areas. One of the more interesting ones Belial likes to call "The Geek Closet" because it feels like a circus sideshow. That and the fact that the odds of surviving once being deemed worthy of the Geek Closet are about as good as winning a giant stuffed animal in a ring toss game.

Belial walks in with his pet child Joseph Phinney. The kid is always smiling ear to ear and holds Belial's hand like it's his mother's apron. Pendington and I are both present to evaluate a surgical procedure performed on a young married couple. Our unusual adventures in surgery have up until now been mostly private. The public is aware that we offer "special medical attention" but nothing beyond that. Belial wants our first publicized case to be something drastic. Pendington and I have been waiting all day for the couple to come out of surgery, but not without frequent visits to the vending machine.

"Where's the blue ribbon?" Belial muses as he walks in with the kid. "Where's the prize pig?"

"Still waiting, boss," Pendington sighs. He takes a long sip from a bottle of Ziz liquor and sucks his teeth. "Should be out any second."

"Hot dog!" Belial snaps, clapping his hands together. "You hear that, Joey? Any second now! That's some pig!"

The kid looks up at Belial, beaming like an idiot.

"Maybe I can get a special surgery one day, Belial." Joseph Phinney wonders aloud, making puppy eyes. Pendington erupts in laughter while taking a sip from his bottle, sprays the stuff from his mouth and nose and goes into a long coughing fit.

"Get this man a lozenge," Belial sneers. "You'll get surgery, kid. We'll think of something. What about you, Johnny Boy? You ready to see the little misses hit the Geek Closet? Or will she be our first proud mommy?"

I don't say anything. I just take another handful of potato chips from the snack bag in my hand and crunch loudly.

"Boss," Pendington says through his wheezing. "Why are we waiting in the Closet for the surgery? They already this far gone?"

"Discretion, Mr. Pendington!" Belial says and flings an index finger at his nose. "Don't want the whole place whispering before we can get our golden goose on the TV screen."

"Good one, boss," Jude says and takes another swallow from his bottle.

Jut then the double doors at the front of the room fling open and two Ziz wheel in an oversized gurney. For a minute I'm confused and wondering why the thing is so big while simultaneously trying to figure out why only one made it back. By the time the gurney is a few feet away I can see the answer to both questions.

The man's naked body lies pale and yellowing on the thin padding. Twisting up from his hip like a cancerous vine is the torso of his wife, making the mess of their bodies look like a squirming slingshot. The woman's arms are folded over her exposed body, head tucked into them like a dying cockroach. Some of the man's midsection has been evacuated to accommodate his wife's waist and hips. The man's legs are there as well as his genitals, but from there up begins a cleft with two navels and two writhing abdomens funneling down into the lower half.

"Whoa," Belial gasps. "That's gross."

"You're telling me," Pendington agrees, setting his bottle down and taking a step closer, squinting at the abomination.

I follow closely behind him and Belial steps forward as well, pushing Joseph Phinney in front of him like a human shield.

"I've got to go to the bathroom," the woman's head suddenly moans, sending the group of us leaping backward.

"She's not wearing any clothes." The Phinney kid whispers to Belial. "I can see her boobies."

"Yeah... Yeah, great work," Belial mutters absently, not taking his eyes off the gurney.

"They don't look so good," I point out.

"The boobies?" Belial objects, raising a single eyebrow. "They seem fine to me."

"The couple," I say. "They seem to be circling the drain."

"What are you talking about?" Belial protests, gesturing at the mangled heap of flesh. "Another couple of days they could win a race I bet."

"Not a four legged-race." Jude laughs. "That'd be cheating." He chuckles and the rest of us stare at him silently.

Suddenly the man's penis leaps up and sends a long stream of urine into the air, zigzagging across the four of us.

"Oh for the love of..." Jude snaps as he jumps out of the way. "I just had this suit dry cleaned."

"Belial!" the kid squeals.

"Man, that smells," I whine. "What drugs are they giving him? His piss smells like gasoline."

"Belial!" the kid brays again.

"What?" Belial shouts in the boy's face.

"He..." the boy sniffs, cowering away. "He used the bathroom on me."

"No he didn't, you little dummy." Belial argues, wiping the urine from his chest. "She did. Didn't you hear her? She even warned us."

"It's okay," the man on the gurney's head suddenly says in a dry rasp. "It's okay, honey. Everything is going to be okay."

"See?" Belial says, pointing excitedly at the man, whose eyes are rolling back as he loses consciousness. "He said they're going to be okay. We're all set."

"Should we give it a little time? A week maybe?" Jude asks.

"Everything is on schedule, Mr. Pendington. Check your calendar," Belial says as he escorts Joseph Phinney from the room.

There's a silence before Jude lifts a walkie-talkie to his mouth and calls the team of doctors in to bring the couple back to the recovery center. Dropping the walkie to his side, he leans over the gurney and eyes the man and wife again.

"She's got a nice rack," He observes.

"Yeah. And male genitals," I say as I leave the room.

Once in the hallway I'm headed back to what the Ziz have been calling the maternity ward. The hall is silent and the sounds of my footsteps make a reverberating racket. I swipe my clearance card and enjoy the familiar beep and green light. Strolling into the room, I'm greeted with the voices of several women all saying, "Mr. Landis! Hello Mr. Landis!" My first group of celebrity applicants are in their beds looking up at me with inkblots for eyes and protruding bellies.

"Good afternoon, ladies." I manage to hum without sounding as fake as it really is. "How are we feeling today?"

"Mr. Landis. The doctor said some of us are halfway there," Ashlee Simpson says smugly. "I think I am. Close, I mean. I think I'm close."

"We're estimating two to three months, but like we said, we're not entirely sure. For now we're just playing the waiting game. Very exciting, though," I say with a superficial grin and applaud the group of ladies who join me in cheering.

"Mr. Landis," Anne Hathaway interjects. "Where are Lindsay and Katherine?" She points worriedly at the two empty beds beside her.

"They're at an appointment, Anne. Don't worry. Just a checkup." I smile and wink at her and she smiles back, satisfied with my answer.