22

We find out what Beryl saw when she got back from bingo

After our breather we decided to head off using the smaller roads to Tythegston, because the last thing we wanted was to be spotted again. If I’m honest, we were all a little jumpy, but there was no sign of the Gaffer or his taxi.

We arrived in Tythegston at 11:30 a.m., which was the perfect time for lunch. We parked our bikes by “the rec”—a patch of grass with a set of swings and a soccer goal that was leaning to one side—and walked along the main street. We had two problems to solve—hunger and our clothes (again). The cassocks didn’t feel quite as petal-like in the harsh light of day, and now that the Gaffer knew what we were wearing, it was essential that we changed. Again.

We decided to stop the first person we came across to ask where we could get something new to wear. That person turned out to be a man with tattoos up his arms and a big red beard that sparkled in the sun.

We asked him if there were any clothes shops. He laughed and said, “You won’t find anything around here, but if you boys need something now, the scouts are having a secondhand sale in the village hall. You might pick up something there.”

The village hall was at the end of the road. A woman wearing a velvety headband and with her collar turned up sold us secondhand scout shorts and T-shirts for three quid a bundle. It was a good deal but brought our total money down to around £31, which worried me a little. We tried to sell her the bikes to raise enough money for a train ticket, but she wasn’t interested. Once we’d dropped our cassocks into a garbage bin we headed straight for the café for breakfast. I’ve never seen Charlie move so fast. I couldn’t really blame him—my stomach felt like it was folding in on itself, I was so hungry.

The man behind the counter wiped his greasy hands down his apron, saluted us, and said, “Dib, dib, dib.”

“Give us everything you’ve got, please, sir,” Charlie said.

I elbowed him in the side and said, “Charlie, we’re on a budget.”

He rolled his eyes and said, “All right, Mom. I’ll have the Big Bad Breakfast with a side of pepperoni pizza.”

I ended up ordering scrambled eggs and toast. I really wanted a BLT sandwich, but I couldn’t get Ben’s yogurt fact out of my head. I didn’t think I could ever eat bacon again knowing that pigs couldn’t see the stars.

I was so hungry I didn’t notice the TV set screwed into the wall next to us until I was halfway through my second piece of toast. I don’t usually watch the news—it’s kind of dull—but this particular news report quickly caught my attention. It caught everyone’s attention.

Huw Jones, South Wales Today’s newsreader, finished telling us about the controversial new roundabout system in Carmarthen and turned to his cohost, none other than Carys Griffiths. “But traffic jams aren’t a problem for the heroes of our next feature, are they, Carys?”

Carys giggled and her fluffy-cloud hair bounced around on her head. “They’re certainly not, Huw. Something super has been happening in South Wales for a second time.”

My mouth dropped open and the piece of toast I’d been chewing landed in my orange juice. “What now?”

The café owner came out from behind the counter, draping a dirty dish towel over his shoulder. “Have you heard about these guys? It’s all over social media.”

“Heard about them, we—”

I kicked Charlie under the table and shook my head.

On the TV, Carys flashed another high-wattage smile. “Yesterday, everyone was talking about the three mysterious superheroes who saved pensioner Phyllis Griffiths from a vicious attack in the village of Gileston.”

“Well, Batman, Spiderman, and Supergirl have been at it again, haven’t they, Carys?”

“They sure have, Huw, but this time their heroics resulted in them fending off a would-be robber.”

A grainy image of me, Ben, Charlie, and the turnip-faced shopkeeper appeared on screen. I hadn’t reckoned on there being CCTV footage.

Huw Jones pointed at the screen. “Now watch closely. The would-be robber walks in and Mr. David Davies—that’s the shopkeeper—passes out from the sheer terror of it all. Now what happens next is interesting. The heroic trio approach the gunman. There’s an exchange and the man seems to have second thoughts and leaves. He knows he’s no match for South Wales’s superheroes.”

“What I want to know, Huw, is what the terrific threesome said to make him leave?”

“Unfortunately, Mr. Davies was not conscious during the incident, but we have him live on the phone.”

Carys continued to grin at the camera. “Mr. Davies, can you tell us your impressions of the superheroes?”

A still photo of David Davies appeared on the screen. “It was like being in the presence of otherworldly beings. They weren’t like you or me, they exuded power, greatness.”

We were pretty awesome, but exuding power—that might have been a bit of an exaggeration.

Carys spoke again. “So you think we’re dealing with the real deal, Mr. Davies? Genuine superheroes right here in South Wales?”

“I’m one hundred percent convinced.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“Well, I watched them fly out of here, didn’t I?”

“Fly?” Carys and I said in unison.

“Yes, I saw them fly with my very own eyes.”

What. An. Absolute. Liar!

Mr. Davies was having his moment in the limelight and he was doing what he could to make it shine as brightly as possible. Even if it meant ignoring the facts.

Before Ben, Charlie, and I could discuss this unexpected turn of events, Carys and Huw threw something else at us.

“It’s not just superheroes we’re reporting on today though, is it, Carys?”

“No, Huw, it isn’t. Our news crew have been at Three Saints Church near the village of Llampha, following a miraculous event.”

I could not stop myself from shouting, “Oh, you have got to be kidding me!” That was our church. I knew, I just knew it was going to be something to do with us.

We sat there, eyes fixed on the screen, as Beryl—the caretaker of Three Saints, apparently—told a whole load of reporters about what she had witnessed early that morning. And I was right. It was everything to do with us.

It took Beryl a few painful moments before she realized she was on camera.

Carys said, “Beryl, could you tell us about the miraculous events at Three Saints Church?”

Beryl said, “Oh, right now?”

Carys said, “If you wouldn’t mind.”

“Okay then. When I got home from bingo last night, I picked up a message from Elsie. See, she’d been walking her dogs across the fields. She called to say she thought she’d heard music being played up at the old church. It was late, so I waited until morning to check it out.”

“And can you tell us, Beryl, what it was that you saw?”

“I saw the most unimaginable sight. A vision, Carys. I saw a vision.”

“Can you describe it for our viewers at home, Beryl?”

“I can do better than that, I filmed it on my phone.”

In stunned silence, we watched the video footage of three ghostly figures floating through Three Saints’s churchyard. Obviously, we knew it was us, on our bikes, wearing stolen cassocks. But from Beryl’s vantage point, I could see why she’d thought we were a ghostly apparition. We sort of seemed to drift through the graveyard, the sun bouncing off our helmets like haloes. The early morning mist certainly added to the effect. So did Ben’s ooooohing.

“That really is quite remarkable,” Carys said.

Beryl’s eyes were dancing. “It was them, the Three Saints. Cian, Dynod, and Elvis. I’d swear my life on it. The one at the back was definitely Dynod—the one of ample proportions.”

Charlie sputtered and sprayed me with his orange juice. “Charming!”

“For viewers at home, I’ll quickly explain that Three Saints used to be a place of pilgrimage. That is until the bones of the three saints disappeared.”

“That’s right,” Beryl said.

“Can you tell us what happened next?” Huw asked.

“There’s more?” I said.

Beryl grew more animated. She raised her fists in the air. “I knew in my bones that something miraculous was happening. And then I heard someone calling me into the church. I could hear them saying, Beryl, Beryl—we need you, come in, Beryl. Come in, child.”

“Yeah, whatever, Beryl,” I said and shoveled in another mouthful of scrambled eggs.

I’d been feeling a little guilty that Beryl had been so completely duped . . . but this name-calling? Nothing to do with us.

“And then I saw it. The statue of the Virgin Mary was crying. Real tears, running down her face. It was beautiful. I stood watching her cry and I cried too. It was a very holy experience. We stayed there like that, crying together, for a good ten minutes.”

I really thought Beryl was playing fast and loose with the facts at this point.

“What happened then, Beryl? Tell our viewers,” Huw urged.

“Well, there was a huge groaning noise. Made my very bones shake. It was like the Lord was passing right through me,” Beryl said, clutching her hands to her chest. I had to give it to her, she was convincing.

“And then the Virgin Mary’s head exploded right off her body. Flew through the air to the other side of the church. The holy waters burst forth from the font like the River Jordan.” Beryl closed her eyes for a second and then opened them again. “It was a very biblical experience.”

That was one way to describe it, I supposed.

Huw spoke very softly when he said, “And what did you find then, Beryl? It was something quite amazing, wasn’t it?”

“Well, the font of the Three Saints had cracked down the middle and underneath I saw three skeletons. The missing bones of the Three Saints. Finally, they’ve been set free.”

“Shut the fridge door!” Charlie gasped as the camera panned down the headless statue of the Virgin Mary.

There was no denying it. There were bones down there. For a moment, I thought Beryl might actually be telling the truth.

And then something in my brain clicked.

Beryl hadn’t experienced a miracle. She’d experienced the aftereffects of Charlie’s giant pear-and-potato deposit on century-old plumbing. The water pressure in the pipes must have blown the head off the Virgin Mary and revealed the bones of the Three Saints buried beneath.

But Beryl didn’t know about Charlie’s super-poo and neither did Huw or Carys. They called it a miracle on national TV. And soon everyone else was calling it a miracle too.