Monday, June 23, 2014
“I’ve called and set up a doctor appointment for tomorrow with Dr. Protos,” Kyle said from where he sat at the desk in our hotel room.
“That’s fine.” I peeked out for only a moment before burying my head under the pillows again. My skull was cracking open, tearing in half and taking my sanity with it. I’d taken the medications prescribed specifically for headaches, but they hadn’t had time to kick in yet, so pillow compresses and darkness were the next best thing. “I’m not sure I’m getting out of bed. I did too much yesterday—the flight, touring the houses—it was too much.”
I could hear Kyle push his chair away from the desk, then felt the bed sag as he sat on the edge a moment later. “You don’t have to; I’ll take care of everything. Just sleep.”
“Can you check in with my dad? I think he’s driving to New York today and spending the night with Elly, then coming here tomorrow.”
“Already talked to him while you were sleeping; he’s doing fine,” Kyle replied, rubbing my leg over the blankets. “He spent half the call grumbling about crazy drivers and the lack of government funding going into improving highways or something.”
I chuckled, then winced at the following pain. “Sounds like Dad.”
Kyle’s phone rang and I groaned, holding the pillow tighter over my head.
“Hello?” He paused, and I could hear the sound of someone on the other end of the line. “That’s wonderful news. I’ll be by shortly to get the keys!”
“Was that the real estate agent?” I peered out from under the pillow to see him pocketing his cell phone. “Did we get it?”
He nodded, his mouth in a wider grin than I’d seen him sport in weeks. “Yep. We got the bungalow.”
I lifted one brow. “Man, you were really worried we wouldn’t, huh?”
He looked down at his hands for a moment, then returned to the edge of the bed and plopped down beside me. “It’s not about you or me. I’ve been reading more about the Death with Dignity Act. The opposition is…vocal. It’s only been allowed here for the last year, and, since then, only two people have actually gone through with it—none who moved here to do so.”
“It’s a small state, Kyle. There were more people who were prescribed the medication, but didn’t end up taking it,” I countered, leaning my head on his shoulder and curling into his side. “It’s never anyone’s first choice. It’s our last.”
Beast jumped on to the bed and wedged himself between us, twisting on to his back and closing his eyes.
Kyle sighed and squeezed an arm tighter around me. “Are you sure about this, Tessa? Are you sure you want to do this?”
I stared at the pastel photo of a flower on the hotel wall across from the bed. “Right now? Yes, I’m sure this is what I want to do. In a few months when things are deteriorating? I’m not sure.”
Kyle’s brow furrowed. “Why go through this if you’re not sure then?”
An ache in my chest throbbed harder as I thought about the best way to explain myself. “I want the option. Sure, I know I might change my mind later, but if I were to wait until then to get the medication, it might be too late. I could be too sick to go through the entire approval process.” I ran my hands down the length of my torso, straightening the slouchy tee I was wearing. “Despite the headaches, I’ve actually been feeling better lately. My hair is growing again; my appetite is returning. I look a little less like I’m dying, but we both know in a few months—probably sooner—it won’t look that way.” I gestured up and down my body. “I won’t look like me.”
Kyle laid his hand on top of mine, interlocking our fingers. “We don’t know anything for sure, Tessa. Miracles happen all the time.”
“Maybe, but maybe my miracle already happened. Maybe a six-month warning to say goodbye is exactly that.” I ran my free hand through Beast’s soft fur, swallowing the lump already forming in my throat. “Maybe meeting you and spending my last few years completely in love is the biggest miracle I could have ever asked for.”
“Tessa—” he started.
I couldn’t let him stop me. “I’m serious, Kyle. I think I’ve lived a pretty miraculous life already. I’d obviously love it if suddenly my cancer disappeared, but I have to be realistic. That’s not going to happen.”
He placed a warm, lingering kiss against my forehead and I closed my eyes. “You be realistic; I’m going to be hopeful. Then we’ll have all bases covered.”
Laughter fell from my lips as I turned my body into his for the briefest of moments. “That sounds perfect.”
Another sweet kiss and short embrace, then he slid off the bed and pulled the covers over Beast and me. “Get some rest, Tessa. I’m going to meet the agent and get our keys. We can move in tonight.”
“Okay. Text my dad the address.”
He nodded and leaned down to kiss me again. I yawned and stretched, then curled into the blankets and promptly fell asleep.
• ღ • ღ • ღ •
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
“Tessa!” My sister’s voice traveled across the yard to where I stood on the dock with Beast, watching boats bob on the lake.
I turned and began walking toward her, arms open wide. “Elly!”
Beast beat me to her, running full speed and slamming himself into her legs. She laughed and leaned down to give him a quick cuddle before greeting me with a big hug. It’d been a while since I’d seen her, despite our daily texts and phone calls. She had been busy taking online courses over the summer before her final year of college, and had managed to get ahead enough credits to be able to take off the fall semester and still graduate in May.
Pride didn’t even begin to describe how I felt about her big brain and amazing work ethic. It was impressive as hell, honestly. I’d never had that kind of drive or ambition, which was fine with me since I loved my life. But for my baby sister? Oh, I wanted her to have it all.
She hugged me stiffly, her arms barely bending. “Oh, am I hurting you?”
“A hug won’t break me.” I squeezed her tighter until she finally gave in and embraced me like normal. “I’ve missed you so much, girl. How’s school?”
Her face lit up. “This time next year, I’ll be a college graduate.”
“You’re doing amazing.” I held her at arm’s length, pride pumping through my veins. “I can’t wait to see you walking across that stage.”
She paused, her brows furrowing and her smile strained.
“Oh, right.” I suddenly understood what she was thinking. There’s no chance I’d be there to see her get her diploma. “Almost forgot for a second.”
She swallowed hard, looking down. “Tessa…”
“It’s okay,” I interrupted. “It honestly is. I’ve accepted what’s happening, even if I forget sometimes. I’m not going to spend the time I have left lamenting over what I can’t change. You shouldn’t either.” I’d left my anger behind in Chicago and I had zero plans to let it follow me here.
Elly didn’t look convinced. “You’re right. Um, well, Dad’s starting to unload the van. There isn’t much on there.”
“We didn’t need a lot,” I replied. “Just personal touches and clothes. Have you seen your room yet?”
“No, I’m excited!” Finally, the first genuine smile I’d seen on her since she’d arrived. “The bungalow is so cute, and this view…holy shit.” Elly gazed toward the water and inhaled loudly. “It’s amazing. I feel relaxed just looking at it. Like the perfect vacation spot…um, except—”
“Let’s just enjoy the view, not the reason for why we’re looking at it.” Despite our morbid purpose, she needed to loosen up. I liked forgetting sometimes. I didn’t want to be reminded every second of how few I had left. “I’ll show you your room before I leave. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment in a few.”
“Can I go?”
I shrugged, never minding the company. “Sure, but it might be boring.”
“I don’t mind.” Elly linked her arm with mine as we headed to the house with Beast on our heels. “I don’t care what we’re doing, Tessy. I just want to spend every minute together. It already doesn’t feel like enough.”
“Because it’s not.” My heart ached at the thought, but I tried to push the pain away. “Not even close.”
An hour later, Elly, Kyle, and I were ushered back into an exam room at the doctor’s office. We’d left my dad at home to rest since driving all day had worn him out.
“Dr. Protos will be right in,” a nurse informed us. Elly and Kyle sat in folding chairs against one wall while I climbed onto the padded exam table. “Did you bring the scans from your previous doctor?”
Kyle handed her a copy of my medical records. The envelope wasn’t as thick as I’d expected. Just a thin packet of films. It didn’t really do justice to the magnitude of the tumor’s presence in me.
She took the scans and left us to entertain ourselves with outdated magazines for almost thirty minutes. Finally, a middle-aged doctor entered the room adorned in a long white coat and stethoscope.
“Hi, folks. How are we doing today?” He was cheery and friendly, but I was honestly so irritated by the long wait that I automatically hated him. Okay, so maybe I hadn’t left all my anger in Chicago. He extended a hand, which I shook—but I didn’t like it. “So, Mrs. Falls, these scans. Are they the most recent?”
I nodded my head. “There are two sets, actually. The first was a month ago, and the second was last week.”
He flicked a switch on a white panel on the wall, which lit up. Placing my scans against the bright surface, he stood and stared at them for a moment. “Have you had these results read to you yet?”
“Not yet,” Kyle spoke up. “We got them right before we moved and didn’t have a chance yet.”
“I see.” The doctor glanced over at my husband, then back at the scans. Finally, he switched off the light. “Well, there is a significant difference between the two scans.”
The sudden tenseness in his voice made me squirm.
“What’s that mean?” Elly asked.
Dr. Protos shoved his hands into his pockets and turned to face me. “The tumor is growing faster than your doctor originally predicted. It’s remarkable, accelerating at this speed.”
My stomach began doing somersaults. I hadn’t anticipated more bad news after you’re dying. That seemed like the worst case, but you’re dying quicker is so much worse. “But I feel fine. My headaches are here and there, but that’s about it.”
“That’s completely normal,” Dr. Protos confirmed with a small nod. “You’re healing from the radiation, which can make symptoms decline. The cancer, however…it’s progressing quickly. At this rate of growth, more severe symptoms—vision loss, seizures—will begin to develop in the next eight weeks.”
“Two months?” I asked, nearly choking on my words as they tumbled from my lips. “I was told five. Five months.”
The doctor switched back on the light behind my scans and began pointing out to me the difference between the two, leaving no doubt. Two months until my symptoms worsened. Four months until I died…at best.
“Shit.” Kyle exhaled loudly. “That’s much sooner than we thought.”
A month might not be very long, but when there’s one less before death... it felt as if a lifetime had just been stolen from me.
Dr. Protos continued, “I’ll prescribe anti-seizure and pain medications to make you as comfortable as possible. Do you have hospice care in place? My staff can make some calls for you, help get you into one of the best facilities in the state.”
I nodded as if I was listening instead of trying to summon the courage to ask for what I really wanted. “I also need a prescription for secobarbital or pentobarbital.”
His mouth fell open slightly and he looked wide-eyed between Kyle, Elly, and me. I sat taller and pushed back my shoulders, unwavering. Kyle did the same, but Elly dipped her chin, her hands clenched together so tightly, they were turning white.
Dr. Protos pulled his hands from his pockets and crossed his arms over his chest. “This is why you moved to Vermont? The death with dignity legislation? It is legal as of last year, but it’s still extremely rare. I believe it’s only occurred twice since—and certainly not at this practice.”
“I’m aware. I’ve done my research. I’ve made my decision, and I’m more than ready to go through the steps necessary,” I assure him. “What do I need to do?”
“I apologize, Mrs. Falls, but you’ll have to seek that type of aid from someone else.” He was already backing toward the door, like he was about to make a break for it. “I won’t be a participant to assisted suicide. I’m a God-fearing man, Mrs. Falls.”
“You’re a doctor…in a state where it’s legal,” I sputtered, blinking hard in confusion. I could feel the heat of embarrassment already rushing up my cheeks. “I’m terminal, you said so yourself. I meet all the criteria.”
He nodded, but it already felt condescending. “I did say that, but we don’t get the right to hasten death along. When it’s our time, it’s our time.”
Kyle stood from his chair so fast, it almost flipped over behind him. “Says who?”
“God.” Dr. Protos simply shrugged, not even remotely fearful of the rage in my husband’s eyes. Mistake.
“God wants her to suffer?” Kyle was yelling now, stepping closer to the doctor with a menacing expression. “God says she has to wait to die? She has to wait until after her body can no longer handle the pain? God says that?”
Elly and I both stood, alarmed at the escalation. She placed a hand on Kyle’s shoulder, pulling him backwards slightly. I stepped between him and Dr. Protos, not saying anything, but trying to block their argument from continuing with my body. Not sure what I’d do if they actually started throwing punches, but I hadn’t thought that far ahead.
Dr. Protos stood his ground. “Mr. Falls, this isn’t up for debate. I am not legally required to prescribe medication I don’t think is in the best interest of the patient—whether it’s legal in this state or not. You’ll need to look elsewhere, although I truly hope you won’t.”
With that, he left the room.
“I swear to God, I’m going to kill him.” Kyle’s jaw was set, his teeth clenched. “That fucking asshole!”
“There are other doctors,” I said, barely above a whisper. “It’ll be okay.”
I didn’t even believe myself, but I tried to calm him down anyway.
Honestly, there was no reason why I hadn’t expected some resistance. It was foolish to assume every doctor in Vermont would be on board with the state legislation. But, damn…that was embarrassing. The way Dr. Protos had stared at me with disgust…freaking humiliating.
Shaking his head, Kyle growled. “Let’s just get the fuck out of here.”
Yes, please.