Monday, August 11, 2014
“Ready to go, Tessa?” my dad called from the entryway.
I pulled another sweater on top of the one I was already wearing, doing my best to keep the constant chill at bay. “Coming.”
When I arrived at the front of the house, Kyle and my dad were already pulling on their shoes. “Where’s Elly?”
My dad’s face turned sheepish. “She went to town earlier. Said she needed to study for her summer class at the library.”
I rolled my eyes, knowing exactly what he meant. Today was my milestone. It was the last day in a long process of jumping through hoops and government red tape to have control over my own life. It was taking back power over my life, my body.
She should be here for that. Instead, she was running.
“I’m sorry, honey,” my dad tried to say as we walked to the car.
“It’s fine,” I lied.
My heart still felt sore when we arrived at the hospital, meekly walking to Dr. Morales’ office. Kyle was by my side, but my dad was keeping the car running out front, refusing to pay for parking.
Dr. Morales’ receptionist brought us to an exam room where Dr. Morales joined us minutes later. He greeted us with hearty handshakes before taking my vitals. “How are you feeling today, Mrs. Falls?”
I shrugged. “I’m tired. Achy. The headaches are tough.”
“To be expected.” He flipped through papers in my chart. “You’ll need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself, not pushing to do more than you can. Taxing your body could be very detrimental right now. Have you had any symptoms, aside from fatigue and headaches?”
“Nope.”
He ran me through an eye test, ensuring my vision was not impacted yet, then had me do some breathing exercises, and reminded me about taking my medications regularly. “Did we do any thinking over the week away?” he asked.
“My mind hasn’t changed,” I replied quickly.
Kyle dropped his chin to his chest, running his fingers through his hair.
Dr. Morales gave a small nod. “I’ll put the prescription through now and call down to the pharmacy. It’s on the first floor, so you can head on down to get it when we’re done here.”
I smiled, relief flooding my body. “Thank you.”
“The hospice nurse starts tomorrow,” he reminded me. “She’ll keep me up to date on your vitals, but if you feel anything is wrong or you’re having any issues, come in at any time.” He glanced up at me, then back down at his prescription pad. “Once you decide on the date you’re going to take these medications, I’d like you to call me. We’ll talk about it—no pressure—and make sure everything goes exactly how you want it to. Okay?”
He felt like a partner—someone finally on my side, willing to lend support no matter what. No judgment, no emotions, just assistance and assurance. “I’ll definitely do that.”
“Good. I’ll put in the script now.” He stood and wrapped his stethoscope around his neck. “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, Mrs. Falls. I’m sorry it couldn’t be under better circumstances, and I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I’m here if you need me.”
“Thank you, Dr. Morales. You’ve done everything.”
A comfortable silence fell between Kyle and me while we made our way to the pharmacy.
“I’m picking up a prescription for Tessa Falls,” Kyle spoke to the technician at the pick-up window for me, an arm protectively around my shoulders. “Dr. Morales put it through a few minutes ago.”
“Sure. Let me go check.” The plump young woman with big eyes batted her lashes at him, blushing slightly.
I smiled at the interaction, proud that the handsome hunk she was eyeing was mine. Moments like this remind me how lucky I’ll always be to have loved him, even if so brief.
The technician returned seconds later, her face paler than moments ago. “Um, yes, the prescription came through.” She glanced at me, then quickly averted her eyes. “I need to call in my supervisor to fill it. He should be here soon.”
“You’re not able to fill it?” Kyle asked.
“Uh, I just…well…” She looked so flustered and kept glancing between the script in her hands, to Kyle, then to me. “I could, but I’m Catholic. This script is for...”
“We know what it’s for,” Kyle replied firmly, his grip on my shoulders tightening. “We just need you to fill it.”
“I’m sorry. The policy is my supervisor will fill it if my faith won’t allow me to. He’s due in a few minutes anyway. You’re welcome to sit in the waiting area and he’ll call you when ready.”
“Are you serious?” Kyle bellowed, his voice echoing off the walls. “This is legal. It’s prescribed. Call Dr. Morales. Call him right now and he’ll tell you.”
“Kyle, please.” I put a hand on his chest to calm him. “Miss, how long until the supervisor arrives?”
“About an hour.”
“An hour! You said he was a few minutes away!” Kyle was not calming down. “This is ridiculous. Call Dr. Morales down here right now.”
“Sir, it’s not up to—”
“I’ll call him then,” Kyle interrupted her and stepped away, pulling out his phone.
I shifted my weight from one leg to the next and cleared my throat, standing there alone.
“You don’t have to do this, you know,” the technician said, barely above a whisper as she leaned over the counter. Her eyes darted between Kyle and I. “It’s not natural. This is a sin.”
My jaw clenched, wondering if it was legal for her to say that to me.
She continued, “It’s not up to us to decide when our lives are over. It’s up to God.”
“God already decided to end my life,” I replied.
She looked startled. My words had come out harsher than even I’d intended, but I wasn’t sorry. “Can I pray for your soul then?” She reached her hand out and I recoiled, stepping back so fast I almost collided into Kyle.
“Dr. Morales is coming,” he told the technician as he steadied me, his hands on my arms. “You okay, babe?”
I continued to glare at the technician. “I’ll be fine as soon as we’re home.”
Dr. Morales hurried into the waiting room a few minutes later, giving us a quick nod before heading through an Authorized Personnel Only door to the pharmacy. I could hear him and the technician having a heated conversation, but couldn’t make out their words.
Kyle laced his fingers through mine and kissed my knuckles.
It was one thing to have my family question my decisions, it was another for a total stranger to judge me—to tell me I was sinning. How? For not wanting to be in pain? Not wanting to die slowly as my family watched helplessly? Did God really want that for me? For anyone?
I couldn’t believe that.
“Mr. and Mrs. Falls.” Dr. Morales crossed the waiting room. “I apologize. I didn’t realize the supervisor wasn’t on duty yet when I sent you down here. I know he’ll fill the prescription for you. He and I already spoke about it.”
“Can she really refuse to fill it?” I asked. “It’s not like we’re doing anything illegal.”
“You’re not. You’re definitely not. However, just like you have a right to your choices, so does she. The one thing she doesn’t have a right to, is to make you feel badly.”
I could feel the strain on the corners of my lips from how hard I was frowning, because this felt like another hoop. We were so close—then, road block.
Dr. Morales continued. “The law is still so new, and there are some kinks to work out. It’ll be filled within the hour if you don’t mind waiting. I can get you some vouchers for the cafeteria while you wait. How about that?”
I shook my head. “I’m not hungry, but thank you.”
“Well, again, I’m sorry for the trouble. The lead pharmacist should be here shortly.”
“Thank you, Dr. Morales.” Kyle’s tone was as grim as his expression when we were left alone again, waiting for the clock to wind down. Something I seemed to be doing a lot of lately.
I grabbed a magazine off a nearby side table and began flipping through it as Kyle rotated between sitting and pacing in front of me. My mind flitted to the possibility of ripping it to pieces and littering glossy confetti across the waiting room. A few months ago, I would have done something like that. I’ve always been a little passive aggressive instead of speaking my mind. This changed me. I’d learned to pick my battles, and to put my foot down for what’s really important to me. I was angry with the technician, but she wasn’t a battle I wanted to fight. I didn’t need to convince her to respect my decision.
But Elly? I needed her to understand.
I spared the magazine its shredded fate and flipped through a few more pages. None of the articles kept my attention so I returned it and watched my husband instead.
“This is bullshit, you know,” he said when he caught my eye.
I nodded, but didn’t say anything.
Kyle sighed loudly. “I can’t wait for this to be over.”
I looked at him, but he quickly shook his head. “Not you.” He gestured between us, then around his head. “This. Being in the hospital. Dealing with these ridiculous hurdles. I can’t wait for that part to be over.”
“Me, too,” I said, mostly to comfort him.
Kyle picked up a magazine, scanned through it, then tossed it down. He did the same thing with three more until he gave up and stared at the stucco ceiling.
I stared at everyone, my mind retreating to my little sister. I wished Elly had come with us. I wondered how she’d react to the pharmacist who refused to fill my prescription—if she’d defend me, or side with the technician. The realization that I didn’t know if my sister would be there for me, frightened me. I’d never doubted her before, and now when I needed her the most, there was a chasm between us.
Sighing, I pulled out my phone and logged onto Facebook. Since I was stuck here at least an hour, I might as well check my messages from yesterday.
Tessa, we’re so sorry you’re going through this. Please let us know what we can do to help. Anything you need!
Tessa, my aunt has a homeopathic company that makes all organic balms and remedies. I think you should try some! Don’t give up yet!
I’m praying for your speedy recovery, Tessa. It’s not over yet. Trust in God, and His faith will get you through.
Tessa, you’re so young and a decision like this is forever. You never know what new drugs and cures they’ll come up with.
This is so wrong. You can’t take your own life. That’s suicide! Please reconsider! We’re all here for you, but please, don’t do this!
The messages went on and on. Everyone had an opinion. Everyone wanted to say their piece—none of it for me.
Death is the one time your life should be selfish. People I hadn’t spoken to in years suddenly contacting me—wanting to know they mattered to me, they care about me. In reality, they had years before I was dying to tell me how much I meant, but life got in the way.
I responded to a few messages, just a quick thank you. The more judgmental messages, I left unanswered. I didn’t owe them an explanation. There were only three people whose opinion mattered to me.
My choice was controversial. I knew that. I had to move across the country to make it possible. I knew my family wouldn’t love the idea. I didn’t expect them to jump for joy or welcome it, but I did expect them to support me.
Maybe that was naive.
I could see the pain in Kyle’s eyes. He wasn’t on board yet. Elly’s certainly not hiding her discomfort with my decision. But it’d been almost two months since I’d told my family and to be honest, that’s more than enough time for them to accept this—even if they still disagree.
I had so few months left. Each minute matters.
A sigh escaped me—my millionth in the last few weeks—and I put my phone in my pocket, seriously considering deleting my social media accounts entirely.
“I think this is us.” Kyle pointed to an older man with a friendly smile approaching.
“Mr. And Mrs. Falls?” he asked, pulling on the lapels of his white lab coat.
I snapped to attention. “Yes?”
Kyle stood. “That’s us.”
The pharmacist looked both confident and nervous. “I was filled in on your situation. If you’d like to come over to window three, I can help you.”
“Thank you,” I said, standing with Kyle’s help.
We followed him to the counter, and he went around to the other side.
“We have two medications.” The pharmacist held up two orange prescription bottles littered with colorful warning stickers and instructions. I’d never seen so many tabs sticking off a prescription bottle in my life. His voice lowered as he continued, “They should both be taken at the same time, or within a minute or two of each other, but they will work at different paces. The first will cause you to fall asleep, generally within a few minutes. You’ll feel nothing beyond that point. The second is capsules you’ll break open into water and drink. The taste isn’t great, I’ll be honest. It will take longer to kick in, but the second one is the one that will stop your heart.”
I nodded, absorbing everything like my life would depend on it. Which it does. I snorted, mentally laughing at the morbid joke. The pharmacist and Kyle both shot me questioning looks, which made me quickly clear my throat and nod along.
“The instructions are listed on the bottles, as well as this pamphlet I’ll put in the bag,” the pharmacist continued. He held up a thick stack of papers that could rival a book. “You should make sure your nurse is present when you take these, and don’t take them unless you’re absolutely ready.”
“I understand,” I assured him. “Dr. Morales explained the process to us at great length.”
“Good.” He double-checked the bag. “It’s a big decision. I’m sorry today didn’t go as smoothly as hoped. My mother passed from lung cancer long before death with dignity acts were considered. Watching her suffer at the end, just waiting…it was horrible. I fully support what you’re doing, and I’m sure the decision hasn’t been easy.”
My mouth parted, surprised at both his personal admission and his candor. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to have someone not walking on eggshells around me. “Thank you,” I replied honestly. “I’m sorry about your mother.”
“I’m sorry about your cancer,” he said.
I liked him even more.